To be absolutely furious/heartbroken about SILs baby name choice?

[CarinaBee]

I set up a new account for this, lots of identifying points here but here goes. I am fully prepared to be told that I have no right to influence the name someone chooses for their baby. but to preface, I feel sick to my stomach over this.

my DH is a twin. His sister is known to be somewhat difficult in the family. Bit of a diva, tends to get her own way. She’s 38. We get on ok but she’s quite possessive of DH and likes to see him alone every now and then. Fine by me but does get a little tiring to hear how being a twin eclipses everything and you couldn’t possibly understand if you don’t have one. I can let a lot slide - the fairly frequent requests for money from DH for one thing. They have 2 other brothers. I get on very well with MIL but we’ve had previous incidents where SIL has been jealous because I’ve seen MIL without her for example. They’re close and good luck to them, I’m not trying to ‘steal’ your Mum from you.

DH’s family are a very close supportive unit and I admire that. By comparison, I had one sister and our mother was an unpleasant alcoholic. Mercifully I had my sister who was 7 years older than me and filled every gap left where Mum didn’t.

long story short, she died after a short but awful illness in 2006 leaving behind 2 very small children. I lived with her during her illness and was finally able to repay the devotion, love and care she always showed me. until my daughter came along 2 years ago, I don’t think I have ever matched the love I feel for her and I will long for her until the day I die.

my SIL has had a baby girl and she’s chosen the same name as my sister. I won’t share it here because it is identifying but know that it is not a common name by any stretch of the imagination. She has 2 sons and now “finally has her girl” and has apparently always wanted to use this name. first I’ve heard of it.

DH told me after he got off the phone and it made me sick to my stomach. He wasn’t prepared to say anything but I didn’t ask him to. Disappointed he didn’t though. I said to MIL that I am devastated but didn’t make a fuss and said I wouldn’t mention to SIL. She told her and all he’ll broke loose. It was 20 years ago, I need to let go and I don’t own the name.

dH and I have been having problems lately and frankly this feels like the final straw. I am the least demanding person - actually probably lean towards being more of a people pleaser, prefer an easy life. But this is too much. I have never shaken the feeling of how cheated my beautiful sister was in life and it’s just so hurtful. There are endless girls names to choose from.

Where's SiL's partner in all this?

There really are. It’s shocking and disgusting but doesn’t it just show how people like the SIL get away with their shite?!

For all the posters telling OP she doesn't own a name ...true.

But consider this if a family member (close enough that your saw them most weekends) ... Had said previously they struggle to hear that name ... surely you wouldn't call your daughter that as you would want her Aunt (who incidentally seems to be a source of childcare for you)... To be comfortable around her ...

I come from a family where narcissism was rife, so am well versed in how someone like your SIL operates. As a consequence I've had lots of therapy and developed fairly decent boundaries. My husband's family, on the other hand, does nothing about the obvious narcissism of at least one family member, choosing either to ignore, excuse or appease. I put up with this person for a number of years, then she did something I'd expressly asked my husband to ensure she didn't do. When she flat refused to apologise, I went NC and she'll never cross my threshold again. DH is having to live with the consequences of that, but fully recognises it's his fault for not nipping it in the bud sooner.

Be careful OP - no need to rush into anything with your useless DH - he’s just been caught in the crossfire of unhinged SIL.

if you spilt ‘over a name’ then ex Dh will be hanging around with SIL even more and she will delight in having him back.

he’s not covering himself in glory but he’s been groomed all his life to be a walk over so it’s not surprising. Give him time to redeem himself.

as for SIL - block and ignore. You can’t change her and she is obv deranged as you have noted. Why upset the woman your brother loves so much. Pure jealous insanity.

more hugs to you for attracting this unpleasantness. SIL is damaged goods.

Well who causes that rift with her name choice? Yes the cunty SIL. This thread has actually encouraged me. I’ve tolerated enough from the bitch I got stuck with through marriage too. Life is too short.

OP I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through, everything you’re going through, and this shit show you’re having to deal with now. I’m also sorry you’re having to deal with many awful comments on here.

I have not had to deal with any of what you have had to in your life, yet I am still fully capable of understanding how difficult and meaningful this is for you. I genuinely don’t understand why many other posters can’t see this.

Moving forward, I would definitely tell dh, mil and sil your exact true feelings. Then I would give sil a very wide berth, I would not be engaging with her at all. As for mil - like you say, it’s not her fault, she is nice, you have a good relationship with her, I’d still meet with her at your convenience and not give any thoughts to what sil may make of your meetings. Dh is something no one can advise you on - it’s for you to work out how you want to live your life with him.

💐💐💐

This is what I mean about the awful advice on here. Who would actually behave like this? So why recommend it?

I actually think OP, that you want out of your marriage and that you're looking for support for this to be the final straw. And I would advise you to think very carefully about that, because especially when you have children, that's a lot to throw away. Do you really want to sit down with your children in years to come and say "I'm not with your father anymore because of cousin Camilla".

If the marriage is irreparable, that's a different matter, but it should be completely separate from the SIL.

One presumes they are alive and well?!

Your SIL is a narcissist and her family are her flying monkeys who dare not poke the beast and have her turn on them. It's a dreadfully toxic dynamic, we have one in my family.

You can't say anything as she's not capable of self reflection or apology. Your husband should have your back though.

You won't be helping SIL if she needs it anymore and you can withdraw from any relationship.

Your husband is a different matter, the question is, will he poke the beast and stand in your corner?

I do think you are bring a bit unreasonable here OP

However

Why not do an about turn, say to MIL'actually having thought about it, I'm touched that SIL has chosen to honour my treasured Sister's name, it's a lovely lovely gesture etc'

If your SIL is doing it to upset you, she might think twice about using the name...

That’s weird and creepy.

Does he acknowledge that it’s cold he cannot support you on this?
I would feel a lot better about it in your shoes if he said: you’re right, this sucks but we both know my sister is unreasonable and cranky so let’s keep our private thoughts to ourselves and smooth things over for the sake of our parents and the next generation.

My brother and I are very close. We survived childhood bullying and trauma together and have a complicity I’ve never had with anyone else (except at times my own husband).
I never liked his girlfriends much until he met the most wonderful woman, someone I knew could make him happy. They now have a family, but in the early days he tried confiding to me about their arguments in a way that went too far. To have a chance at happiness together, she had to come first and he should not overshare. So I gently nudged him in that direction, even causing some upset along the way when he accused me of “not being in his camp” when they disagreed about things.
Ultimately this helped create a healthy dynamic for them where she is number 1 for him.
We’re still very close and we do get “alone” time, because that happens when families see each other often, but I’d never dream of seeking that out to the exclusion of his lovely wife. I include her in everything and even if I didn’t love her (which I do) I would still do anything in my power to make her happy for the sake of my brother!
As a result she has never seen me as a threat and they have their own little in jokes about me and my husband which is cute and healthy in this kind of family dynamic.

I really hope your husband can flip the switch and stop letting his emotional investment in his twin get in the way of a healthy relationship with his wife. As you say, if she really loved him she’d be helping him get there instead of putting herself first.

I agree with some of the posters who say the advice on here really is insane. Calling people cunts.Telling someone to say fuck off bitch. Telling her to refuse to use the child’s given name. And calling her husband vile names. If the OP decides to leave her husband over her SIL choice of name that’s insane too. Fair enough, if she wants out of her marriage because the relationship is dead or he mistreats her…but really?

The dynamic around her is messed up but it doesn't mean you can't have positive relationships with the rest of them. MIL agrees with you but has a lifetime of caving to her demanding child and wants to see her granddaughter. She's also stuck between rock and hard place.

I used to believe this was so, and this stems from the not-unreasonable belief that what I was dealing with was rational, sensible adults. I believed it would be eminently possible to continue a relationship with other family members whilst distancing myself from my SiL. I was wrong. Unfortunately, some families operate on the kind of 'one of us, all of us' mentality often found in industrial unions. From my understanding this isn't an uncommon dynamic. In my case, my SiL made certain that if I wasn't having a relationship with her, I wouldn't be having a relationship with any of them.

Over the years I've seen how they kow-tow and capitulate to her. The way she speaks to her mother is disgusting: my own mum (who I loved and respected) would have rebuked me in no uncertain terms for this, especially if I'd done it in front of other people. MiL just humoured it. I've also heard SiL constantly dripping poison in their ears about other people, and have no doubt she did the same about me as gradually they all backed off and blocked me. That people can be so easily-led and not make their own minds up who they associate with genuinely surprises me, but these people have been her enablers all her life.

Unfortunately, when you take the decision to go NC with a family member like this, then this is a risk you need to factor in. DH has been most affected by this, which of course, I didn't want and for years tried to avoid. However, he could have avoided this outcome by having my back from the start. It's the one black spot in what is otherwise a happy and solid marriage.

My bil is a total arsehole. He and sil were having their third child recently and when they put their shortlist out there and my deceased siblings name was there I simply said that it would be nearly impossible for me to use the name. He just took it off the list. (Also unusual so not one you would just come up with).

Posted too soon. Just sorry you are going through this, sibling loss particularly with your history is so hard.

I'd agree with Kitsch that you'd do well to separate this from your ultimate decision about your marriage - both emotionally and also in time. Wait a little while, and don't make such a big decision whilst you're so upset and angry. Marriages do go through rocky patches - especially when you have a young child. I'm not hearing from you that your marriage is terrible, just that it's currently disappointing. That's repairable.

I think you're really hurt that your DH doesn't have your back here. You feel alone, that you're not being put first by anyone. This is all tied into the feeling that your sister was the only one who put you first, and now there's noone. It feels like it will always be DH and his family together, and you counting for less, so screw the lot of them - you'll just go off by yourself with your daughter, you don't need them.

But that isn't really how it should be.. I think that blood family does matter a lot but that when you choose to marry someone and make your own family, then your spouse and children jump up into first place. You are your DH's wife and the mother of his child. That trumps blood family, even a twin. Now is perhaps the time to point that out to your DH. And most importantly - believe it yourself.

You deserve to be DH's top priority, along with your DD. And when it comes to it, I'm sure you are. He'd just rather not deal with the fallout of having to take that stand, if you're willing to suck it up so he doesn't have to. Tough.

Distance yourself from the ILs for now. DH can deal with them. And think about what you actually need from DH now. It's him you are married to, not his family.

Trust that you can ask for what you need. If this really is make-or-break time for your marriage, then tell him exactly what will make the difference. You do owe that to all of you: you, him, and your DD - and you have nothing to lose from trying.

There’s lots going on here but it sounds like your grief is taking over and only you can do something about that. Your sister had a beautiful name and you can’t avoid hearing it forever. Don’t let your grief and dislike for your H’s sister become entwined.

Did you get support for your grief? Please get help because you can’t honour your sister by letting her death consume you, she wouldn’t want that for you.

I’m sorry for your loss.

I find the responses on this completely bizarre.
It's a name, that hundreds of thousands of people have.
Even though that name has a different meaning to you, doesn't mean that (in the nicest way possible), that you can gatekeep that name. Especially when you had already a discussion that you would not use that name for your own child.
And i don't even understand why someone would ask for permission, utterly bizarre. It's not that deep and again in the nicest way possible, it's really nothing with you what they name their child. The same way I'm sure you didn't discuss your daughters name with them.

I really like this idea. You have your Camilla as in “my Camilla” and you call the baby “your/their” Camilla. I’d still be quietly withdrawing though. I did that years ago when SIL crossed the line for last time. DH still sees her and has regular contact. She tried to interfere in our relationship through one of our children a couple of years ago which I only found out recently. I’d been liking her posts on social media etc out of politeness but not even doing that anymore.

She’s just toxic same as your SIL and all the apologists here for her completely unreasonable behaviour. Let her call her child what she wants, doesn’t mean you have to be part of her life. She’s drawn the line in the sand same as mine did years ago and I tried to overlook it.

Even the day of MUL’s funeral my children and I were sidelined. SIL, her husband and son plus H receiving mourners. Kids and me left sitting like spare parts, not even told when we should process behind the coffin out of the church until SIL hissed at us at the last minute. Stay strong op xx

Excellent idea.

I love this idea too! Nickname as others have said Cammi, Milly etc or cute nickname as above .. love Cami toes. Will wind sil up no end, that would make me happy too if I were OP 🤣🤣

Again, OP has explained all of this. If you're not going to read her posts then I'm not sure why you bother to weigh in at all. Other than it's an opportunity to be a bit shit to someone, which presumably makes you feel better about yourself somehow. To call OP dramatic when it's clear she's traumatised and grief stricken by events in her personal history is just unkind and unnecessary.

I think some people are actually enjoying trying to upset op. Appreciate this is in aibu but some of these posts are just downright sociopathic.

As for the ones boring on about counselling, again just another shitty method of trying to make op feel she's the one who needs to be fixed, when anyone with capacity to be able to operate a phone or tablet to post on here could see its the weirdo SIL who could do with some therapy here.