To be absolutely furious/heartbroken about SILs baby name choice?

[CarinaBee]

I set up a new account for this, lots of identifying points here but here goes. I am fully prepared to be told that I have no right to influence the name someone chooses for their baby. but to preface, I feel sick to my stomach over this.

my DH is a twin. His sister is known to be somewhat difficult in the family. Bit of a diva, tends to get her own way. She’s 38. We get on ok but she’s quite possessive of DH and likes to see him alone every now and then. Fine by me but does get a little tiring to hear how being a twin eclipses everything and you couldn’t possibly understand if you don’t have one. I can let a lot slide - the fairly frequent requests for money from DH for one thing. They have 2 other brothers. I get on very well with MIL but we’ve had previous incidents where SIL has been jealous because I’ve seen MIL without her for example. They’re close and good luck to them, I’m not trying to ‘steal’ your Mum from you.

DH’s family are a very close supportive unit and I admire that. By comparison, I had one sister and our mother was an unpleasant alcoholic. Mercifully I had my sister who was 7 years older than me and filled every gap left where Mum didn’t.

long story short, she died after a short but awful illness in 2006 leaving behind 2 very small children. I lived with her during her illness and was finally able to repay the devotion, love and care she always showed me. until my daughter came along 2 years ago, I don’t think I have ever matched the love I feel for her and I will long for her until the day I die.

my SIL has had a baby girl and she’s chosen the same name as my sister. I won’t share it here because it is identifying but know that it is not a common name by any stretch of the imagination. She has 2 sons and now “finally has her girl” and has apparently always wanted to use this name. first I’ve heard of it.

DH told me after he got off the phone and it made me sick to my stomach. He wasn’t prepared to say anything but I didn’t ask him to. Disappointed he didn’t though. I said to MIL that I am devastated but didn’t make a fuss and said I wouldn’t mention to SIL. She told her and all he’ll broke loose. It was 20 years ago, I need to let go and I don’t own the name.

dH and I have been having problems lately and frankly this feels like the final straw. I am the least demanding person - actually probably lean towards being more of a people pleaser, prefer an easy life. But this is too much. I have never shaken the feeling of how cheated my beautiful sister was in life and it’s just so hurtful. There are endless girls names to choose from.

There are so many parallels between you and I OP, I completely understand.
I have been through the same, lost my dsis who was my protector, mother substitute, best friend, also 8 years older than me who took care of me as a child but who I had such a close bond with as an adult.
That was 20 years ago.
I still miss her everyday.
I don't have experience of the baby name issue but it's just about the shittiest way Sil could ever get to you isn't it?
It's deliberate, stemming from her jealousy, and need to be in the limelight.
Your DH is a spineless arsehole if he won't tell her so.

@CarinaBee your lovely words about your sister made me cry. She sounds amazing.

Your sister in law understands her presence. She may not physically have been here for 20 years but it's clear from your posts that she is still a big presence in your life and mentioned regularly with the flowers etc.

Fair enough, she may like the name but there should have been discussion. I would focus less on the name (I know that sounds daft because it's all about the name but it avoids the 'no one owns a name') and more on having this sprung on you at what should be a happy time for family. You want to be happy to welcome your new niece, not have her birth tied to the worst moment of your life). You are a close relative and this is sensitive. A conversation is not too much to ask.

I would give her your own name like 'c' and refer to her as that.

You have every right to be angry OP. It’s an odd, possibly cruel thing to do, especially as everyone else was told a different name.

I would avoid her for a while because in your shoes I couldn’t hide my feelings. I’m also angry at your DH for putting up with her shit, I would ask him to calmly find out the thinking behind the name.

Don’t make any big decisions until you feel better. You sound very loving, keep being you.

I'm astonished that your SIL thought this was appropriate. I'd be calling the child 'Millie' from now on and if SIL called me out on it I'd not hesitate to explain why - loudly. There are some things that are worth taking a stand about, and you've been incredibly tolerant of a lot, and this is it. Some may feel this name change is unfair on the child - but in time, if she asks you can explain why you struggle to use her actual name.

Forgetting about the argument between adults here (regardless of who's right or wrong) - there's an innocent little girl in the middle of this who doesn't deserve mean sniping nicknames or being shunned by her cousins and aunt and uncle for a name she had no say in.

I also wouldn't distance yourself from the rest of the family unless you really feel you have to.

In some ways that is playing into SIL's petty game. She's jealous of you. Your MIL clearly likes you. I don't read it as shit stirring. I think she was concerned and fed that back hoping for a grown up reaction from her daughter, but she reverted to form.

The dynamic around her is messed up but it doesn't mean you can't have positive relationships with the rest of them. MIL agrees with you but has a lifetime of caving to her demanding child and wants to see her granddaughter. She's also stuck between rock and hard place.

I would plan a very cutting out down for your SIL as a one liner, have the joy of using it and then say 'right shall we have tea' and just leave her looking stupid and like a goldfish.

Don't give her the pleasure of pushing you out.

What? No, you can’t put that on a little girl who is utterly blameless in all this.

I think yabvu.Not because of how you feel, because your feelings cannot be wrong.
But i very much doubt she has done this to wind you up.
I wouldn't even know my SILs siblings names, not without thinking hard about it anyway, much less one I had never even met who had been passed fir decades.
Camilla is coming back into fashion now.On another thread posters are talking about multiple camillas in their kid's classes. Even more so with hers and the King's coronation coming in a few weeks. It is set to become a very popular name again.
I think you and your SIL are both jealous of the other's place in your DHs affections.It is extremely common for jealousy to arise between MIL/SIL and new wife.

I'm surprised how many people think the OP is being unreasonable. It's clear that SIL has major jealousy issues and is the one in need of therapy, not the OP who is understandably and justifiably angry and upset. SIL is clearly trying to one-up / stick her finger up at OP by doing this after feeling so jealous of OP's relationship with her brother, mother and aunt, not to mention the fact she was pregnant with a girl first. How would posters react if it was a deceased child's name that was being used, rather than a sister's? Because it's clear that this sisterly bond was extra special and in some ways, had a mother-daughter element to it. If the OP was feeling generous and wanted to try and keep the peace in any way, she could write a non-confrontational letter to her SIL about how it makes her feel but I'm guessing SIL may be beyond reason. I would however expect family members (DH for sure!) to try and bridge the gap in some way and be honest with SIL about how this was bound to make OP feel. I hope there's a way forward for all concerned.

So many messages with people referencing their losses, both children and siblings. I’m so sorry. Nothing but sympathy from me - fact is there were here and you can’t just forget about them and you wouldn’t want to either.

the posters who mentioned losing their siblings at a young age and how transformational it was in your lives - that’s just it. A bit of survivors guilt but ultimately a sibling is precious because, if life follows natural order, you should be able to spend a lifetime with them. I don’t feel angry about it - I just feel sad for her that she was so cheated. She didn’t have an easy death because she resisted ‘slipping away’ and was terrified about leaving her kids. I’m not angry at the world - this unfortunately isn’t a situation unique to me but I’ll never shake the sadness I feel for her, not for myself.

I would plan a very cutting out down for your SIL as a one liner, have the joy of using it and then say 'right shall we have tea' and just leave her looking stupid and like a goldfish.

And it would make OP look atrocious and cause even more of an argument. This is not a win.

The difference between you and you SIL is that you have empathy. The problem is if you have empathy you tend to assume others do as well, and sometimes they just don't.

There have also been a lot of references to MIL. I don’t believe she was shit stirring. She loves a ‘perfect’ dynamic and bends over backwards to make her children’s lives easier. She’s been a great female role model for me and I admire her a lot.

I know what happened, she heard the name revision and panicked. DIL blew a gasket.

It’s not her fault. And I understand that her loyalty will lie with her daughter. I think ‘blood family’ and associated loyalty will always be the most important thing which is why I don’t bank on DH fighting my corner. I love DH but I love my sister more and I think I’d choose her over everyone else (exception being my daughter) every time if that were an option. She’s the only person who ever truly acted in my interests.

Also, I feel it's quite telling that SIL changed the name last minute after telling people she was going to use another name/getting things embroidered with it. It's almost like she waited til there was no way of changing it/discussing it (once baby was born) and for maximum impact. I hope I'm wrong because that feels so cold-hearted and messed up to use a newborn baby in this way!

And I should add that I do feel sad for the baby. I really love my nephews and actions speak louder than words and everyone in the family knows that. I have no desire to diminish this little girl who had no say in this.

I'm only reading OP's posts. On the specific question in title, YADBVU.

Be careful with minor detail changes. OP says SIL both had 2 & 3 sons b4 the girl.

OP, I agree with you this is a conflict of values.
Your SIL, who is close to your family (even if the two of you don’t mutually appreciate each other all that much) has decided to disregard your feelings for the sake of a name - when there are millions of lovely names to choose from.
In your shoes, I would not let anyone convince me I’m mistaken to feel this way.
Given the family is so close, you’ll need to find a way to live with it if you stay with your husband.
However, what I would find hard to live with is the lack of compassion and complicity your husband is displaying. Feels really cold to me, I find it bordering on cruel that he lives with you and has so little sympathy.

😒 I had to go back through my messages to find where you’d spotted that. 2 is right next to 3 on my phone too. She has 2 sons. Two.

Absolutely fine for you to think I’m unreasonable.

I love this post. Not only for its bang-on-the-nose description of that evil sick sweet-guzzling feeling, but also for the points made about your SiL. These resonate because your SiL, OP, sounds exactly like my own. To contextualize, I also have a history of trauma. Grew up with a violent, alcoholic father who slammed my head down a door and gave me concussion when I was 15, been raped twice, my beloved mum died at far too young an age (although not so young as your beloved Camilla), and DH and I struggled for years with infertility and lost five much-wanted babies to miscarriage.

My mother's death was the singular worst experience I'd been through. She had a very aggressive cancer which killed her a mere five weeks of the first symptoms manifesting themselves. I was reeling, and very much lost myself for a time. DH's sister behaved in such a way, three days following her funeral, that I've never been able to forgive or look past. I imagine I felt much the same way you do having heard what your SiL had named her daughter. I removed myself from her presence for quite a while (this is before any of us had children).

For years later she took every opportunity to stick the boot in. Addressing me by the wrong name, constant, barbed digs - especially when my profession was ever mentioned - giving me items intended for small children as Christmas presents, talking loudly over me if ever my MiL addressed me directly, endless, constant passive-aggression. The above PP is very astute when she says It’s a telling insight into how much you must really bug the living shit out of her. Like you, I must have REALLY got up my SiL's hooter without even trying. She openly objected to my style, tastes, and interests, especially my bookishness and love of music, claiming these were some kind of performative act to make myself look 'cool' and alternative. It was all so personal, somehow.

Like you, I never rose, never responded, never gave her the confrontation she was so obviously looking for. I remained VLC with her in the intervening years and let it wash over me. Until she repeated the behaviour with my mum when I was extremely sick with a uterine infection following one of several miscarriages. Something gave on that occasion and since that day I've been completely NC with her. I know I projected some of my own anger over my losses onto her, and for that reason I, also, think counselling might be beneficial (it helped me). But the fact needs to be acknowledged that her behaviour is unconscionable, and I/you have every right to preserve our own mental health by not entertaining this shit erupting for one more moment.

PPs are right, @CarinaBee, that you can't control others' actions, only your own. She's made her decision but she now has to live with the consequences of that. Not you. Why should you? Your wish to back off entirely from the situation is understandable and natural, and a decision I in my time have also made, and never regretted. What's to regret? I've removed all the pettiness, unkindness, mean-spirited behaviour and downright negativity entirely from my life, which has been more peaceful and altogether pleasanter without it.

You know when you have reached the last straw, as did I, and are entirely justified in removing yourself from this woman's toxic presence.

Thank you.

he feels this way because it is inconvenient. I think this is probably the cause of most marital disagreements.

sad because I really wanted my daughter to have a stable family life and feel a bit of a failure for what will be our imminent separation but I don’t want her to pick up on bad vibes and I won’t prevent relationships with her paternal family.

NB. Your decision need not involve your DH. He can maintain a relationship with her - you can't and have no right to stop him - but no one can force you to do likewise.

She might have lost a boy

Thank you - sorry for all you have experienced ❤️

you hit the nail on the head there - unless you’ve had a SIL like this, you can never understand. Sounds like you made the right decision and I’m really glad it’s positively impacted your life. Who the fuck wants drama in their life?!

I’ve said to DH that she doesn’t truly love him if she behaves in this way. Don’t come at me for that, it’s simple facts. Her brother has a wife who is a decent person, treats his family with love and respect and ultimately makes him happy. I hope my daughter ends up in that position one day. His sister has always been competitive but i can’t control her behaviour.

It’s dangerous when you finally realise you don’t care any more. Im not worried about being single!

She hasn’t. 2 sons. I pressed the 3 key instead of the 2 key.

Fair do.

Anyway I'd cut her from your life