To be absolutely furious/heartbroken about SILs baby name choice?

[CarinaBee]

I set up a new account for this, lots of identifying points here but here goes. I am fully prepared to be told that I have no right to influence the name someone chooses for their baby. but to preface, I feel sick to my stomach over this.

my DH is a twin. His sister is known to be somewhat difficult in the family. Bit of a diva, tends to get her own way. She’s 38. We get on ok but she’s quite possessive of DH and likes to see him alone every now and then. Fine by me but does get a little tiring to hear how being a twin eclipses everything and you couldn’t possibly understand if you don’t have one. I can let a lot slide - the fairly frequent requests for money from DH for one thing. They have 2 other brothers. I get on very well with MIL but we’ve had previous incidents where SIL has been jealous because I’ve seen MIL without her for example. They’re close and good luck to them, I’m not trying to ‘steal’ your Mum from you.

DH’s family are a very close supportive unit and I admire that. By comparison, I had one sister and our mother was an unpleasant alcoholic. Mercifully I had my sister who was 7 years older than me and filled every gap left where Mum didn’t.

long story short, she died after a short but awful illness in 2006 leaving behind 2 very small children. I lived with her during her illness and was finally able to repay the devotion, love and care she always showed me. until my daughter came along 2 years ago, I don’t think I have ever matched the love I feel for her and I will long for her until the day I die.

my SIL has had a baby girl and she’s chosen the same name as my sister. I won’t share it here because it is identifying but know that it is not a common name by any stretch of the imagination. She has 2 sons and now “finally has her girl” and has apparently always wanted to use this name. first I’ve heard of it.

DH told me after he got off the phone and it made me sick to my stomach. He wasn’t prepared to say anything but I didn’t ask him to. Disappointed he didn’t though. I said to MIL that I am devastated but didn’t make a fuss and said I wouldn’t mention to SIL. She told her and all he’ll broke loose. It was 20 years ago, I need to let go and I don’t own the name.

dH and I have been having problems lately and frankly this feels like the final straw. I am the least demanding person - actually probably lean towards being more of a people pleaser, prefer an easy life. But this is too much. I have never shaken the feeling of how cheated my beautiful sister was in life and it’s just so hurtful. There are endless girls names to choose from.

No, I won’t say anything to her. She knows how I feel because she has more than one brain cell but will also know I won’t have the appetite for a heated, passionate argument.

my only crime is saying “yes it did throw me”, when MIL phoned me in a very embarrassed and apologetic tone. No fuss whatsoever. SIL erupted into a volcano of rage.

Cross posted. That attitude from your DH must really really sting.

if you are someone who has experienced a fairly ‘smooth’ life (no considerable bereavement/neglect/substantial trauma), do you ever feel anger?

OK, I’m going to out myself here. When I was 23 my second child was stillborn at 34 weeks. Eighteen months later my 21 year old brother was killed in a road accident. My anger was off the scale. It was my mother who told me I needed help and helped me to get it.

Anger is a perfectly normal part of the grieving process but it’s unhealthy to be stuck at the angry stage. I feel for you, truly I do and that’s why I hope you’ll get some help and find some peace. 💐

I think you are right to just disengage from her. This is not a relationship that will ever be good by the sounds of it.

I do think your MIL was shit stirring a bit by telling SIL how you feel, she should have kept her mouth shut!

Completely understand how you feel. I would consider it spiteful behaviour on your sil part and I'm glad your mil is embarrassed. She might use the name but it will never take away your wonderful memories of your sister ❣️
Feel sorry for the little girl having to grow up with such a jealous parent.

@CarinaBee i agree with you take a step back from your in laws pass yourself etc and attend what you have to for your children but it’s clear if they can’t see the pain this has caused you especially given SIL had another name in mind (I suspect they can see the pain but actually SIL is the boss in the family none of them will confront).

SIL knows rightly what she’s doing and I would imagine wants a reaction from you to make out your being unreasonable when your not so don’t give her it. Distance yourself and leave your husband to sort baby present right cards in future x

It’s a really shitty thing your sil has done. You obviously know her and know what’s she like and you feel she’s done it for the wrong reason.

I think you’re right in removing yourself from her games and drama

If sil was going to choose this name (and fair enough, there is such a shortage of girls’ names out there 🙄), she needed to have a face to face chat with you first. Surely that’s basic level decency and kindness. Mind you, the kind of person who has the emotional intelligence to do that, would not have chosen this name in the first place.

That’s a bit far fetched. Why would this child even know about the sister? She wasn’t anything to do with her. You’re really over stretching there.

I expect your sil had an extreme angry reaction, as at some level maybe she knows she is in the wrong and hates that.

yeah. Maybe she just really, genuinely loves the name but knows deep down it was wrong to choose it.

Thinking it through, you’d have to be a complete nutter to actually name your baby with the sole reason of getting at someone else. It’s way more likely that she just likes the name and it’s hugely inconvenient to her that this whole side issue exists with it.

A possible way to frame it - eg if your DH guilts you over your reaction and how it will affect his family - is that this really hurts you and SIL is choosing to do it anyway.

It doesn't matter whether this would hurt anyone else, it doesn't matter how common the name is, it doesn't matter that people are free to choose names. This hurts you badly. And SIL is still choosing to do it.

If you had a broken arm, and she shoved you against the wall to get to the front door more quickly - it wouldn't matter that everyone has arms; it wouldn't matter that SIL broke her arm as a child; it wouldn't matter that if SIL was shoved against the wall it wouldn't hurt her; what matters is that it hurt you and she still chose to do it.

Op hugs to you.

SIL sounds like a grumpy toddler that has been trying to get a rise out of you FOR YEARS and has finally succeeded. She must be full of a delighted evil sick feeling, like when you eat too many disgusting sweets.

It’s a telling insight into how much you must really bug the living shit out of her.

I guess call the baby Milly or Mila or Cammy when you have to meet it and when SIL says something just smile and say ‘fuck off bitch’.

I am another vote for getting counselling or therapy though. It’s just have a mental clean up and very useful. Not ‘for’ any reason or to ‘cure’ you but to support your everyday life. Like buying expensive dishwasher tablets not the cheapo Aldi ones.

xxxx

poor SIL - you almost have to feel sorry for her. What is it like in her head ? Rage and Fires.

This is very good - completely agree.

OP - I hear you. I lost a sibling when I was a teenager too, and 20+ years later, it still hurts. I was with them when they died, and that moment was single-handedly the moment I grew up; it was a turning point in my life.

I feel that the issue here is not the name itself, but how your SIL handled it. She knew she was having a girl, and chose a name for that girl. Her sudden name change seems like a dig to hurt you (as opposed to a 'tribute' - honestly, for a person she's never met? - or a longed for liked name); she knew exactly what she was doing and what this would mean to you - this was why the name was chosen (in my opinion, I do not know your SIL, so of course, may be wrong).

Even if she had thought about the name and thought, "Oh, that's really pretty, I'd like that" - she should have spoken to you first - not to ask your permission (ner baby, her name at the end of the day), but to explain her reasons/the fact that she intended to use the name.

It seems that this has been so poorly handled. Your MIL also seems like she strives on drama - running to your SIL to tell her you were shocked/a bit taken aback.

I think a poster above has mentioned - best thing now would be to not make any more mentions of your feelings towards this. Your SIL wants the drama ("but it should be about ME and MY baby! I am such a victim here ...") - don't give it to her.

My first daughter was stillborn and had a slightly unusual name ( Josephine) I would be devastated if any close friends or family uses it, knowing the meaning it holds for me. You are not unreasonable at all and your SIL sounds very hard work. I hope you can find a way to move past the hurt she had caused. Maybe it’s time to pull away from her.

I'd go for 'Hello, lovely girl' or something rather than a contrived nickname. Give SIL no ammunition.

No. But the family seem to be at her beck and call (including giving money) and that could prove problematic

Read the OP's posts.

All. The Time. Very close family

I’m quite shocked at some of the replies sticking up for the cunty SIL.

‘No one owns a name’ blah blah blah. The SIL is clearly a massive twat in general and this takes the absolute biscuit.

I’d be dropping the nice-girl attitude OP and showing her exactly how I feel.

People like the SIL get away with this shit because the vast majority of us like an easy life and let things slide. The best thing you can do is shine a light on her shitty behaviour.

And I’d be calling the baby Millie to wind her up 😈

Fair enough OP. Absolutely fair enough. I hope your husband respects your decision - though I fear he won't.

What about the money? How much have you and he given to SIL over the years? Will that stop now?

This thread really exemplifies just how many posters on MN will claim an OP is being unreasonable, just for the sake of it. What the OP's SIL has done is such a clearly shitty thing to do. I've come to the conclusion that even in the most obvious cases, you'll still get posters claiming an OP is being unreasonable. Either that, or there's a whole bunch of people out there who are devoid of any empathy, compassion, or just basic thinking skills.

Her reaction to you being thrown by it, says it all about her intentions. At best, she must be totally selfish and self absorbed to not remember your previous conversation about the name. At worst, she did it deliberately, hoping you would get over it. She is used to having her own way.

No more tolerating, no more lending her money, your husband can sort cards and presents for her family, no more child care unless your DH does it at her house. You owe her nothing. You have every right to be angry about this. Ignore the other posters trying to tell you this is a traumatic response.

It can be both.

I think one of the problems is, that posters do the whole 'oh it wouldn't bother me, so it shouldn't bother you', thing.

A vast lack of imagination and because we all bring our own experiences to the table we look through our own personal lens and can't put ourselves in someone else's position.

But it's not about us.

We can put other PoV without insisting that that is the right or only way to be