To be absolutely furious/heartbroken about SILs baby name choice?

[CarinaBee]

I set up a new account for this, lots of identifying points here but here goes. I am fully prepared to be told that I have no right to influence the name someone chooses for their baby. but to preface, I feel sick to my stomach over this.

my DH is a twin. His sister is known to be somewhat difficult in the family. Bit of a diva, tends to get her own way. She’s 38. We get on ok but she’s quite possessive of DH and likes to see him alone every now and then. Fine by me but does get a little tiring to hear how being a twin eclipses everything and you couldn’t possibly understand if you don’t have one. I can let a lot slide - the fairly frequent requests for money from DH for one thing. They have 2 other brothers. I get on very well with MIL but we’ve had previous incidents where SIL has been jealous because I’ve seen MIL without her for example. They’re close and good luck to them, I’m not trying to ‘steal’ your Mum from you.

DH’s family are a very close supportive unit and I admire that. By comparison, I had one sister and our mother was an unpleasant alcoholic. Mercifully I had my sister who was 7 years older than me and filled every gap left where Mum didn’t.

long story short, she died after a short but awful illness in 2006 leaving behind 2 very small children. I lived with her during her illness and was finally able to repay the devotion, love and care she always showed me. until my daughter came along 2 years ago, I don’t think I have ever matched the love I feel for her and I will long for her until the day I die.

my SIL has had a baby girl and she’s chosen the same name as my sister. I won’t share it here because it is identifying but know that it is not a common name by any stretch of the imagination. She has 2 sons and now “finally has her girl” and has apparently always wanted to use this name. first I’ve heard of it.

DH told me after he got off the phone and it made me sick to my stomach. He wasn’t prepared to say anything but I didn’t ask him to. Disappointed he didn’t though. I said to MIL that I am devastated but didn’t make a fuss and said I wouldn’t mention to SIL. She told her and all he’ll broke loose. It was 20 years ago, I need to let go and I don’t own the name.

dH and I have been having problems lately and frankly this feels like the final straw. I am the least demanding person - actually probably lean towards being more of a people pleaser, prefer an easy life. But this is too much. I have never shaken the feeling of how cheated my beautiful sister was in life and it’s just so hurtful. There are endless girls names to choose from.

I went to a counsellor about 10 years ago. Somewhat helpful. Doesn’t change the circumstances and perhaps what you’re recommending is that I visit a hypnotherapist to brainwash me into thinking that it wasn’t the wrong thing for SIL to do.

don’t care enough to do that.

OP grief counselling doesn’t stop the pain but it does help you process it in a healthy way. It’s hard to explain - I had to pay privately for mine as the NHS counsellor I got just sat making lemon faces at me and saying ‘oh dear’ 🙄 hypnotherapy is great but definitely not for grief!

Maybe she decided to change the name from the name she initially announced to Camilla as that’s the name she always wanted to use, and didn’t prioritise the feelings of someone who ‘tolerates’ her at best (and if your responses on this thread are how you act around her, I’d be surprised if she thinks your feeling are as positive as tolerance) and is considering separating from her brother anyway.

counselling/therapy whatever you call it is helpful in mapping out why you respond to things in a certain way based on past experience. Good for helping you overcome the ‘how do I live meaningfully without them’ issues. Like I said, I like a very meaningful life.

This is a conflict of values. Hers don’t match up with mine and like I said, I want meaningful connection.

I think you should skip today's gathering and any future ones involving that side of the family. Let your husband deal with them. They clearly don't care about your feelings.

Sorry this is happening to you.

Doesn’t change the circumstances and perhaps what you’re recommending is that I visit a hypnotherapist to brainwash me into thinking that it wasn’t the wrong thing for SIL to do.

No. But as you don't have control over her actions, you need to find ways of living with them, which counselling could help you do.

Hold to your resolve.

A previous poster was right. There are consequences to every action and this is the consequence for this situation.

They'll either be bothered or they won't. They'll either back you or they won't.

Whatever, not your problem. Do what you need to do.

But that’s just it - I don’t have to ‘live with her decision’. I married her brother, not her.

I would never prevent anyone from seeing my daughter particularly my PIL’s who are good people. I want her to have a family. Doesn’t mean I have to play games with my SIL 🥱

I think you're feelings are valid but what is so sad is that this much longed for child will grow up knowing she's got your dead sisters name ...someone her mum never met and that is weird and at the end of the day your batshit SIL will have her DD to answer to!

But that’s just it - I don’t have to ‘live with her decision’. I married her brother, not her.

And unless he's going to agree to go NC, she will be in your life to some degree. That's just reality. So is he prepared to do that? And if not, what then?

I don’t think you understand the point of therapy @CarinaBee. And I don’t think you experienced effective therapy. Please get yourself some help. Carrying all this (entirely understandable) anger really isn’t healthy and it’s not helping you or anyone else.

Why? She doesn't have to live with them. She can avoid her.

Why does she have to tie herself in knots so SiL can swan through life doing what she wants? Answer: she doesn't.

The only potential problem will be, who will her DH put first?

Why would she ever know?

Im named after a dead person in the family it’s not weird at all (my middle name is someone who divorced out the family too), my parents don’t have anything to answer to

This!

@CarinaBee

So are you actually going to say something to the SIL?

(I don't get threads like these which have clearly caused lots of upset and heartache and then the OP never addresses it.)

Why? She doesn't have to live with them. She can avoid her.

She can avoid seeing her, but it's going to be tough to avoid all mention or reference to her and her daughter.

The only potential problem will be, who will her DH put first

Quite

Put first? Do you expect OP’s DH to go NC with his twin?

This is really hurtful. There’s loads of names out there. Loads. To have chosen a name of your sister who died is really shitty. Her behaviour in general sounds like it has been enabled by your husband and his family. I’d step back. Fuck them, if they don’t like it. You’re allowed to be hurt and upset.

Therapy is for you, OP, not for SIL. You shouldn’t need to have a high tolerance for pain and distress. You should be able to live your daily life experiencing and coping with a normal range of human emotion. Therapy will help you to cope with triggers that can send you spiralling. It is not to help you to accept SIL’s unreasonable behaviour; rather it will also help you to set healthy boundaries with your SIL and if necessary with DH to protect yourself.

Surely it depends how much they see SIL now?

My kids see one set of cousins 1-2 times a week.

Another set they met once 6 years ago and can’t remember their cousins name.

Anyway OP I’d avoid her for the time being until you’re in a place where you know what kind of contact you want to have long term. The emotions are probably too raw now and posters are whipping up a frenzy and suggesting things like being cruel to a child to make yourself feel better, and I don’t think that will have been helpful. But if you do choose to go NC you need to consider how that impacts everyone around you including your DH DC and MIL. I do hope you get to a place where you can be at peace with your niece being called the same name as your sister

I feel for you honestly. I absolutely hate all those comments where people go ‘you don’t own a name’. You can’t own a name you picked out at random out of a book because you liked it for sure, but for many people, like you, there is enormous personal emotional attachment to certain names and when people close to you use it it is a punch in a face. I’ve been there under different circumstances and it still upsets me years later. I have never got over it. This is honestly cruel and you have the right to be upset. Any family member who cared about another would have changed it. I would have changed my child’s name if I thought a close family member was going to be that upset about it.

OP, I think your decision not to go to MIL's today is sensible as you're clearly quite upset, and it sounds like there is the potential for SIL to snipe at you - a situation ripe for a row if you're already on edge. Having said that, please mentally prepare yourself for her sniping at a distance and saying you're being a drama llama or whatever. You're not, you're just putting yourself first for a change and avoiding conflict. She won't see/appreciate that though!

So sorry about your sister. How extremely sad, particularly given the circumstances. My beloved brother died tragically around the same time and the thought of a SIL naming their child the same name as him is very upsetting. I would feel they had taken something very personal away from me (perhaps no logic in this but it’s how I would feel) No matter what the popularity of the name. And I don’t have the same background as you OP.
Unless you’ve been in this situation, you don’t know how you would feel, hence other people’s 🤷‍♀️ reactions.
SIL may well love the name but will come to wonder whether it was really worth all the angst it’s caused. One would hope anyway
xx

Happy to be educated here and this is a genuine question: if you are someone who has experienced a fairly ‘smooth’ life (no considerable bereavement/neglect/substantial trauma), do you ever feel anger? Or better still, find yourself in situations where actually you’re not willing to concede?

not sure why “agree to disagree” can’t apply here? This is the final straw for me. Historically I have backed down because I can’t be bothered with conflict, not because I’m nervous of confronting conflict.

re DH: he will remain ‘impartial’ “I understand both sides”, “I know she’s difficult but she’s my sister and what can I do?”. Etc etc etc. family will continue to dance to her merry tune because they’re inclined to behave as I do and life’s too short. ultimately, you bow to her wobbly’s and tantrums because no one really takes her that seriously and hey presto, easy life.

we’ve discussed separation before, not just due to her sister but more about feeling of closeness and being more like mates.

Fuck your SIL and all her apologists. Just continue to opt out of gatherings she’s attending. All of them if that feels right to you. Your OH does need to show you some support in this too. Let him know he needs to grow a bit of a spine. I’m not saying he needs to cut her off but a well placed clear response when SIL asks why Carina stays away would be in order.