To be absolutely furious/heartbroken about SILs baby name choice?

[CarinaBee]

I set up a new account for this, lots of identifying points here but here goes. I am fully prepared to be told that I have no right to influence the name someone chooses for their baby. but to preface, I feel sick to my stomach over this.

my DH is a twin. His sister is known to be somewhat difficult in the family. Bit of a diva, tends to get her own way. She’s 38. We get on ok but she’s quite possessive of DH and likes to see him alone every now and then. Fine by me but does get a little tiring to hear how being a twin eclipses everything and you couldn’t possibly understand if you don’t have one. I can let a lot slide - the fairly frequent requests for money from DH for one thing. They have 2 other brothers. I get on very well with MIL but we’ve had previous incidents where SIL has been jealous because I’ve seen MIL without her for example. They’re close and good luck to them, I’m not trying to ‘steal’ your Mum from you.

DH’s family are a very close supportive unit and I admire that. By comparison, I had one sister and our mother was an unpleasant alcoholic. Mercifully I had my sister who was 7 years older than me and filled every gap left where Mum didn’t.

long story short, she died after a short but awful illness in 2006 leaving behind 2 very small children. I lived with her during her illness and was finally able to repay the devotion, love and care she always showed me. until my daughter came along 2 years ago, I don’t think I have ever matched the love I feel for her and I will long for her until the day I die.

my SIL has had a baby girl and she’s chosen the same name as my sister. I won’t share it here because it is identifying but know that it is not a common name by any stretch of the imagination. She has 2 sons and now “finally has her girl” and has apparently always wanted to use this name. first I’ve heard of it.

DH told me after he got off the phone and it made me sick to my stomach. He wasn’t prepared to say anything but I didn’t ask him to. Disappointed he didn’t though. I said to MIL that I am devastated but didn’t make a fuss and said I wouldn’t mention to SIL. She told her and all he’ll broke loose. It was 20 years ago, I need to let go and I don’t own the name.

dH and I have been having problems lately and frankly this feels like the final straw. I am the least demanding person - actually probably lean towards being more of a people pleaser, prefer an easy life. But this is too much. I have never shaken the feeling of how cheated my beautiful sister was in life and it’s just so hurtful. There are endless girls names to choose from.

The more you say about the worse it gets. I’m sorry but I really really feel it’s done out of spite. You matter and your feelings matter. Honestly the entitlement she feels and has been given. She is not a healthy person. If you really can distance yourself I would at every opportunity - any decent human being would understand and yes there are 1000s of other names she could have chosen. She likes a drama - she’s also a sad bitch who is deeply insecure and needs to be the centre of everything - how dare you leave her out!!! 😁look up The grey Rock technique in dealing with her and your husband. 💕

Professional counselling is a good suggestion. I do feel sorry for the OP.

The thing is OP, your grief does not give you the right to control what anyone else, even your SIL is or is not allowed to name their child.

But she's still allowed to be angry, upset, offended and disappointed.

True. But strange that she would.

We’re due to go to MIL’s today anyway, as usual. I won’t be going.

@CarinaBee Then your SIL will have won.

I don't get the "we are twins club" I'm happy when my twin is happy.

I've just read through the OP's posts. There's a lot of anger there. I strongly agree that counselling is a good idea.

I know but I don’t care anymore. MIL, SIL’s, DH, DF, etc all thought it was odd but they won’t say a word. I’m not sitting there like a stuffed dummy.

There comes a point in life where all you want is meaningful connection, to love and be loved. Who can be arsed with on-the-surface conversations? I’m Opting out of this mediocre family, I’m done 🤣

I'm so sorry for your loss @CarinaBee

I sincerely hope your husband will step up and tell her how out of order she is. I'm not sure how I would feel about my relationship if my DH didn't. I wouldn't be speaking to sil again or allowing any money to be borrowed in future.

Good grief it's not beyond most people's wit or imagination to clock that using your SIL's dead sisters name might be upsetting.

A decent adult who wanted to improve relationships would have picked up the phone to you. Even if you'd disagreed it would be better to have heard you out and responded pleasantly.

My extended family have suffered multiple bereavements and broadly acknowledge that certain names are very sensitive. It's not rocket science.

@CarinaBee I wouldn't go either. It sounds like no matter what you do you'll still be the bad guy so why bother?

I totally get it! You always get the ones that say you can own a name and people can choose whatever they like. I agree that your SIL picked a name that although she might have liked it, was aimed at deliberately hurting you. Perhaps she will enjoy you withdrawing from family life...that could have been her end game. Regardless of the reason, it was a shitty thing to do.

This is perfectly put. It's not bloody difficult to understand why the OP is upset in these particular circumstances.

I am so sorry OP. She is out of order.

She knowingly used the name of one of the most special people in your life. Your sister sounds amazing. I would love to be as close to mine but she is not a patch on your beautiful Camilla.

I would feel let down by by husband. I can actually imagine my husband being similar. Not because he is mean, but because he is calm and balanced to the core. I always say that whilst I envy his inability to feel anger and resentment, he also misses out on the real highs of joy that I can feel too.

I am not sure what the solution is here. But please don’t feel like you have to ‘give in’. Your feelings are valid.

After all this, I can’t believe she wants to go through with this name for her baby still…

Your sister sounds incredible. I am so sorry she is gone xx

Absolutely distance yourself. She has made it clear your feelings do not matter. If she continues with this, I would refuse all contact with her henceforth. You sound a very level headed person, explain to your mil that you are very hurt and that you will need to distance yourself from the SIL.

If she changes her mind to keep the peace, the relationship may be damaged but not irrevocable, I would still be wary of her.

OP what's coming through strong on this thread is that there are a lot of people who are attacking you, but they actually agree it's a terrible thing to do. The thing is, they think it's SO bad that they can't believe anybody would do it, either to you or to the baby, and therefore you're wrong to think she has!

I can only say that they have absolutely no idea how lucky they are to never have met someone who would behave so badly.

I'm glad you're staying home today. Enjoy the peace!

Yes there is anger at the moment. I have trod on eggshells for years with her, everyone does.

Thing is, I’m pleased she’s had a daughter. She was desperate for a daughter and would often say “I’m FINALLY getting a girl” after having 3 boys. When I got pregnant and we knew it was a girl, she found it difficult and was visibly jealous. MIL took me aside and said it was unreasonable of her but not to take offence. More fool me but I didn’t say a word when she made it clear she was giving me a wide birth until she had come to terms with it.

To repeat - I am VERY conscious of offloading my misery and I deal with this quietly. Frankly, most of my memories are abysmal so people could never know, it’s too much and I wouldn’t expect that of people. You have no idea what people are dealing with and actually the reality is probably that the people you consider to be most ‘balanced’ (because that’s the snippy insinuation here, isn’t it?) are the ones who have experienced more shit. Life’s not a competition and my pain doesn’t trump anyone else’s and I don’t view this as a hierarchy but actually my experience is that my tolerance for stress and discomfort is extremely high. Just trying to dispel the suggestion that I am an emotional wreck.

Your h's family need to start standing up to SIL and telling her when she is out of order. She sounds unbearable. She's been shitty, so your h should have your back and say that he won't go to any family gatherings so SIL loses out, not you.

You said yourself you need to stop tolerating stuff. Yes you do and it sounds like you are starting to. Great.

Next thing, have a proper, sit down discussion with your husband to see if he can finally start sticking up for you in any problems with his family. Tell him, the worm has turned and you deserve back up. Best of luck.

my tolerance for stress and discomfort is extremely high. Just trying to dispel the suggestion that I am an emotional wreck.

This is a trauma response, OP. Have you ever had professional therapy?

Sorry for your loss of your beloved sister. Actually it’s not an uncommon name. And she is entitled to call her child any name she wishes. I also think you were out of order to mention it to your mother in law. I think she’s not in the wrong here.

I think your SIL is staggeringly insensitive. Not for picking the name, but for the reaction to you being upset. FFS there are a million names she could choose from and instead of saying 'there is NOTHING I like about this name that could possibly trump your trauma' I'm going to make you think of your dead sister every time you see your niece.

That is some hardcore narcissism and stone cold sociopathy right there.

Sure, you don't own the name. But what kind of dick-swinging twat wouldn't change it in the circumstances??

God, I am so wound up on your behalf.

Life’s not a competition and my pain doesn’t trump anyone else’s and I don’t view this as a hierarchy but actually my experience is that my tolerance for stress and discomfort is extremely high. Just trying to dispel the suggestion that I am an emotional wreck.

I don't think anyone is saying you're an emotional wreck. Just that you sound like you could benefit from progressional help.

Exactly. And you’re so angry. Please at least consider some counselling or therapy.

@Yesthatismychildsigh

Her mother in law brought it up directly in conversation.

"MIL called me and said “I’m so sorry, I thought she was calling her ** and she even had personalised items made in that name”. It was at this point that I admitted it had really thrown me. "

Are you suggesting the Op should pretend it hadn't surprised her?