To be absolutely furious/heartbroken about SILs baby name choice?

[CarinaBee]

I set up a new account for this, lots of identifying points here but here goes. I am fully prepared to be told that I have no right to influence the name someone chooses for their baby. but to preface, I feel sick to my stomach over this.

my DH is a twin. His sister is known to be somewhat difficult in the family. Bit of a diva, tends to get her own way. She’s 38. We get on ok but she’s quite possessive of DH and likes to see him alone every now and then. Fine by me but does get a little tiring to hear how being a twin eclipses everything and you couldn’t possibly understand if you don’t have one. I can let a lot slide - the fairly frequent requests for money from DH for one thing. They have 2 other brothers. I get on very well with MIL but we’ve had previous incidents where SIL has been jealous because I’ve seen MIL without her for example. They’re close and good luck to them, I’m not trying to ‘steal’ your Mum from you.

DH’s family are a very close supportive unit and I admire that. By comparison, I had one sister and our mother was an unpleasant alcoholic. Mercifully I had my sister who was 7 years older than me and filled every gap left where Mum didn’t.

long story short, she died after a short but awful illness in 2006 leaving behind 2 very small children. I lived with her during her illness and was finally able to repay the devotion, love and care she always showed me. until my daughter came along 2 years ago, I don’t think I have ever matched the love I feel for her and I will long for her until the day I die.

my SIL has had a baby girl and she’s chosen the same name as my sister. I won’t share it here because it is identifying but know that it is not a common name by any stretch of the imagination. She has 2 sons and now “finally has her girl” and has apparently always wanted to use this name. first I’ve heard of it.

DH told me after he got off the phone and it made me sick to my stomach. He wasn’t prepared to say anything but I didn’t ask him to. Disappointed he didn’t though. I said to MIL that I am devastated but didn’t make a fuss and said I wouldn’t mention to SIL. She told her and all he’ll broke loose. It was 20 years ago, I need to let go and I don’t own the name.

dH and I have been having problems lately and frankly this feels like the final straw. I am the least demanding person - actually probably lean towards being more of a people pleaser, prefer an easy life. But this is too much. I have never shaken the feeling of how cheated my beautiful sister was in life and it’s just so hurtful. There are endless girls names to choose from.

Wow. Don’t you get it?

Grow up? What? You don’t even know me. You are not a nice person at all.

Oh op this is dreadful.
I’m all for ‘nobody owns a name’ but seriously this is below the belt.
I would tell your dh how you feel. He can’t do anything about it but at least you will get it off your chest.
I think I would pull back from any relationship with sil for your own sanity. Don’t lend her money, don’t visit, and don’t babysit. Don’t explain why, she knows. Concentrate on yourself and doing what you can to make yourself happy.
She sounds like a nasty piece of work anyway.

When someone shows you who they are… believe them.
Your SiL has really shown exactly who she is….. what a truly dreadful and insensitive thing to do..
I am so very sorry for the loss of your sister OP… she sounds such a wonderful caring person.
I would be telling DH and MiL in very strong terms that you find her actions so incredibly hurtful and selfish that you don’t think you will ever be able to be in contact with her again. And certainly won’t be giving her any money. She can flog her designer handbags if she can’t feed the kids.
I would also be having a very stern conversation with DH… because he needs to step up here and tell his sister what a truly nasty thing she has done. His loyalty needs to be to his wife and family not this spiteful entitled madam.

I get that the OP still feels a great deal of grief over the loss of her sister. I’ve known more than my fair share of grief for a woman my age and I understand. But all this woman has done is give her child a name she loved, without making OP front and centre in the decision. And for that she’s got strangers on the internet calling her malicious, narcissistic, a cunt and god knows what else. I’m just wondering how far OP’s banning power extends is all.

I have also lost a beloved sister, I don’t have my own children so my sister really was the most important person in my life. But I don’t own her name. I would never expect in-laws to not use that name but equally even if they did, it is a different person, it’s not “my” Camilla, it is a different one. I don’t see how somebody using that name makes my loss any worse. I think some counselling is required if this is so triggering to OP. Truthfully, I think it was wrong to put a cloud over somebody celebrating the birth of their child like this.

Your SIL doesn't realise that in her glee at getting away with ignoring your distress at using your late Dsis's name for your neice, she will be shooting herself in the foot
It's a natural consequence

You said you help her by doing childcare and DH loans gives her money . Lolz that will stop now

nip the money giving in the bud you have your own expenses & DC? I'd be saying that's £40 we could put in DCs savings so no DH you can't give her it ;

But also you're not going to want to babysit for her - she's just lost her free childcare . It's not going to be convenient for years. It would be a natural consequence as you won't want to be hearing your Dsis's name all the time.

I cannot believe that this has been done maliciously. Nobody names their child to get a dig at their SIL. Nobody wants their child to come into the world within that context and with all that baggage.

Either she forgot your sister's name or she thought you wouldn't mind. She's thoughtless and inconsiderate.

She's reacted badly to it being pointed out because she's embarrassed and defensive, and because she can't have something she wants.

Between now and the birth she will quietly change her mind.

Oh, you again. Happy to answer. My answers are directly in response to your sarcastic “out of bounds” description. Just a reminder that I’m not talking about a gerbil I had when I was 5, I’m talking about the only family member who ever cared about me.

Close friends: yes, “out of bounds”. But they wouldn’t use it. Some knew her (and are horrified it’s been used), many didn’t. I wonder if people have different ideas of what constitutes compassion and just some ‘basic’ rules of decency in any relationship? Like I said, I didn’t use a name I loved because it was my friends mums name. Just because I could, didn’t mean it was right. And actually, boring things like considering my friends feelings is something which comes naturally to me.

”Not particularly close friends” - wtf are they?! Someone you met in Sainsbury’s in the checkout queue and you invite her round for coffee? No, I wouldn’t be offended if she used it but I don’t have friends who are really friends?

Acquaintances - not a problem. I don’t discuss my private experiences with strangers i sit next to on the tube so they wouldn’t know the connection.

Colleagues - ditto. Lucky to never have had any work conflict but I don’t discuss my private business with colleagues either. Throughout my whole career, I’ve had one person who I’d categorise into the ‘close friend’ box. Consequently wouldn’t expect her to name her daughter Camilla either without discussing it with me first.

Next door neighbours - I don’t know them so, no offence would be caused. They would fit into the ‘not close friend’ box. if you need something, I’m happy to help but we’re not friends.

second cousins - don’t have any and actually DH second cousin commented to my other SIL that “wasn’t that OP’s sisters name?”.

‘How far removed does someone have to be” - any of the above.

Why are people saying they don't know their SIL siblings names and they know others called camilla and it's now a popular name.

What does this have to do with anything? OP SIL DOES know OPS sisters name and all what they went through.

Sisters aren't family then?

Alright....

Because your sister's life and death had nothing to do with your SIL, she doesn't have the same emotional reaction to it that you have. People can't be expected to avoid the names of any and all deceased persons just because someone might have an extreme reaction to it.

It's in reply to those saying it's an unusual name. It isnt

Nothing would convince me that your SIL did not do this intentionally. She is a total bitch. Your DH needs to speak up and refuse to enable his DS unreasonable behaviour

Surely the OP would only be upset if people close to her / close to her family used the name. She's not saying no one can use it.

@thegrain ok

got your back here OP. 100%.
so sorry to hear about your sister and your lives together. What an amazing soul she was. I hope if your SIL keeps the name that her little girl, your niece carries it with pride. Perhaps when she’s older you can tell her about your own very special C. And how much that name means to you. I hope she grows into a wonderful person that you’ll love too. I don’t think your SIL will change the name so I think you have to think of how to live with it.

I’m so sorry, OP. This is very difficult and very complex. It sounds very much like you are having an understandable trauma response, triggered by this name choice. Longer term, you are going to need professional help to unpick the unresolved trauma that you carry from your parent and from your sister’s death, but this is going to take time.

In the short term, someone, preferably DH, needs to explain to SIL the extent of your distress. It’s fairly unlikely that she has made the choice as a deliberate act of cruelty (and if she has, this is sociopathic and you need to distance yourself and your child from her as much as you possibly can). Far more likely is that she has been callous and unthinking, and possibly unconsciously by your sister’s name, which as several pp have explained is rapidly climbing in popularity. Most reasonable people, on realising the distress their choice has caused, would try to rectify it. I assume the baby is very young and not yet registered, so it is possible if she wishes to change the name, or use it as a middle name, or use a diminutive within the family. If she refuses to do this then that will be a different problem to address down the road, but she needs to know how you feel today.

Takes a special kind of utter twat to do this.

Ignore the extremely thick posters who can't see there's a difference between your SIL/others who KNOW you doing this - who know EXACTLY how painful this would be, and some random neighbour 🙄

Your DH is a wet paper towel. Am so sorry this has happened op.

Sometimes the culture of individual wishes being paramount on here surprises me. No OP doesn't 'own' a name or have right of veto but it isn't about ownership or rights. It's about empathy and caring for others, particularly close friends or family.

That's exactly it.

I think that there's actually a difference in values between the people on this thread who take the different sides.

Some families have a value of helping close others where you can. The exact boundary of where the inconvenience to you out-weighs the benefit to them might vary a bit, but the assumption is 'yes unless there's a good reason not to'.

Other families seem to simply not have that value - and will only do things for someone (even someone close to them) if there's a benefit to themselves.

Hence comments like a pp who said 'SIL knows you won't like her more even if she changes it' This completely misses the point that the reason for SIL to change the name isn't to benefit herself, it's to benefit OP - and assumes that SIL cares about OP, and that knowing that it will make a big difference to OP is enough reason to make a very small sacrifice.

I've noticed this values difference before- but it isn't really very obvious despite being quite profound because you don't need to act on it very often - and even when you do, only those directly involved know about it.

I have huge sympathy for you and empathy with you @CarinaBee. But I really think it would be good for you to have some professional counselling now. There’s no such thing as normality when it comes to grief but there’s definitely such a thing as getting “stuck”. You have nothing to lose and you might find it immensely helpful.

The poster obviously meant his immediate family, ie wife and children. But you knew that didn’t you? This nasty nitpicking is so typical of some MNs. Irritating combination of irrelevance, smugness and provocation.

I agree! She so massively doesn’t get it!

Camilla is not uncommon and it will become much more common now.

I think you are transferring all your feelings of dislike to your SIL in this issue.

I'm sorry for your loss but it's a long time ago now and not relevant to your SIL

I think you need to sort your other issues out and find your perspective again.

Your SIL and some of the posters here astound me with their lack of empathy.

An old school friend of mine had a sister that died a few years ago at a similar age. I absolutely love her sisters name and I don’t see my friend very often as we live far away so I guess I ‘could’ use it but it would feel so inappropriate!