To be absolutely furious/heartbroken about SILs baby name choice?

[CarinaBee]

I set up a new account for this, lots of identifying points here but here goes. I am fully prepared to be told that I have no right to influence the name someone chooses for their baby. but to preface, I feel sick to my stomach over this.

my DH is a twin. His sister is known to be somewhat difficult in the family. Bit of a diva, tends to get her own way. She’s 38. We get on ok but she’s quite possessive of DH and likes to see him alone every now and then. Fine by me but does get a little tiring to hear how being a twin eclipses everything and you couldn’t possibly understand if you don’t have one. I can let a lot slide - the fairly frequent requests for money from DH for one thing. They have 2 other brothers. I get on very well with MIL but we’ve had previous incidents where SIL has been jealous because I’ve seen MIL without her for example. They’re close and good luck to them, I’m not trying to ‘steal’ your Mum from you.

DH’s family are a very close supportive unit and I admire that. By comparison, I had one sister and our mother was an unpleasant alcoholic. Mercifully I had my sister who was 7 years older than me and filled every gap left where Mum didn’t.

long story short, she died after a short but awful illness in 2006 leaving behind 2 very small children. I lived with her during her illness and was finally able to repay the devotion, love and care she always showed me. until my daughter came along 2 years ago, I don’t think I have ever matched the love I feel for her and I will long for her until the day I die.

my SIL has had a baby girl and she’s chosen the same name as my sister. I won’t share it here because it is identifying but know that it is not a common name by any stretch of the imagination. She has 2 sons and now “finally has her girl” and has apparently always wanted to use this name. first I’ve heard of it.

DH told me after he got off the phone and it made me sick to my stomach. He wasn’t prepared to say anything but I didn’t ask him to. Disappointed he didn’t though. I said to MIL that I am devastated but didn’t make a fuss and said I wouldn’t mention to SIL. She told her and all he’ll broke loose. It was 20 years ago, I need to let go and I don’t own the name.

dH and I have been having problems lately and frankly this feels like the final straw. I am the least demanding person - actually probably lean towards being more of a people pleaser, prefer an easy life. But this is too much. I have never shaken the feeling of how cheated my beautiful sister was in life and it’s just so hurtful. There are endless girls names to choose from.

It’s deliberate. Your SIL has issues. But you need to find a way to rise above it. This baby isn’t your Camila. The same way the Queen Consort isn’t. It’s a name. A sound. You need to try and give it a different emotional resonance when you hear the name in relation to your sister and then your niece.

Imagine what an unhappy person your SIL must be. The lack of emotional intelligence alone is something to be pitied. Try and see how pathetic this is on her part. I would thank her for honouring your sister. When she says it isn’t in honour of her, say ‘of course it is’ and smile. They go low, you go high.

This.

Read the damn thread

Whats there to be emphatic about, in 20 years since her sister passed how many babies have been named Camilla, can her sister in law not take a liking to name,which if anything is a compliment that her sister has a pretty name which younger generation will keep alive. Name Camilla by Google became popular just in the UK in the 1700s, but used before in Spanish etc speaking countries. Not exactly one off unique name either where you would know someone is going out of their way to use someones name on purpose and even if she did hear it first time ever that her sister was Camilla which I doubt since charles and camilla ahve been in the news for decades, I still dont see where is the disrespect,where I come from its a nice gesture to name a younger generation after an older one. What next get offended a baby carrying a same surname as a relative whos passed?

I'm sorry for your loss OP, but you are being unreasonable. This name is very popular now, there have even been a few "baby name"threads about it. You don't own it, but whilst I really do appreciate your grief, after 20 years this is too much and I think you perhaps need to get some help to process how you feel. It's disturbing that you seem to think someone would choose their baby's name just to upset you. And there other indications that you are grieving beyond what is healthy - expecting your husband to tell his sister that she can't choose that name for example, which is unreasonable; describing the name as "sacred"; you can't bear hearing the name (which is going to be very problemmatic in coming years, whatever she calls her child, because that will be the Queen's name). I very much doubt that your sister would have wanted you to be in this much pain. Or to have her death so hurtful after so many years that it is so damaging to your mental health. She obviously loved you very much, as you loved her, but there is no way I could see someone who loves that deeply wanting you to be holding on to that pain for this amount of time.

I've worked in schools for 35 years. I've never come across a Camilla. I've never know one. It is a unusual name. Sil had the choice of thousands of names . It is obviously not a name she has loved for all time , she picked another one first. She is an unkind nasty women.

What's there to be "emphatic" (empathetic) about? I'm not even sure how to answer that. Empathy is the ability to imagine how someone else is feeling. Clearly in this case there's a lot of trauma and grief on OP's side which is central to the issue at hand and requires empathy on the part of anybody attempting to offer advice, if that advice is going to be relevant and meaningful in any way.

The rest of your points have already been addressed by OP.

I know two

Sorry for your loss OP 💐

To me this isn't about the name itself which, I think some pp are getting sidelined with. It was the deliberate act of calling her child that name that was either designed to hurt you or she called her that with no thought of the impact on you knowing full well your sister's name.

Also, I think this is more about your DH than it is SIL. His lack of support and his inability to stand up for you sings though what you have written. I wonder if SIL is an easier target for your anger than facing a spineless DH who does what is easiest for him rather than the right thing for his wife and family.

Realistically there’s absolutely nothing you can do (nor your DH or anyone really).
Men can let things go far more easily/ doing things for an easy life. Don’t let it come between you and your DH.
**
Twin sister sounds like a shit stabbing bitch …. Let her actions wash over you. Let it go as best you can.

This is really good advice from @Suzi888

Rise above it. Let it wash over you. You knew your sister, and you have her with you always in your memories and the way she loved you. Your SiL doesn’t have that and whatever she does can’t take your life with your sister away from you.

I wonder if you almost feel guilty for living while your beloved sister died. Think about what your sister might have advised : I’m sure she wouldn’t have wanted you to be heartbroken or desolate in the way you describe yourself. I wonder if your current feelings are part of some complex grief you’ve never quite dealt with? Grief is a lifetime thing.

@Suzi888 is also wise about your DH. Men generally don’t like the emotional tangles of life. They expect us to sort them out and give them an easy life. But don’t let your SiL’s actions drive you apart.

This would be a real line in the sand moment for me. She hasn’t done this as a lovely tribute, she has been malicious and underhand. She has got one up on you and is now playing the victim.
my heart goes out to you OP, I also had a sister who died in her mid forties from Cancer and I nursed her through her illness.
The trauma never leaves you, you just learn to mask the hurt ❤️

I am so glad to hear that her children are doing well and I am sure her spirit and strength lives through them.
stay strong my love ❤️❤️

What a sad & sorry situation OP.

I really think some people just thrive off causing hurt to others. She’s one toxic bitch. I would just want to separate myself from her as much as possible. I wouldn’t do any favours any more & shut up shop.

Don’t buy into the gaslighting about ruining her moment. If her own mother agrees & was shocked - even though nobody has fights over a name - it’s clear that in their & your family this name belonged to an incredibly special person in your life & to use it would be intruding on that & all of the associated pain & sadness it brings with it (as well as so much more good as well).

I just would want to cut her out completely (as much as you can given she is your husband’s twin) before she can do any more damage. Twisted toxic bitch.

Sounds like as the only girl and twin she’s grown up as a ‘possessive princess’ of the family and views you as a threat to that identity. See also borrowing your money for her non-essentials. So, the one name that’s ‘forbidden’ to her - and by you, so to speak - makes it all the more attractive.

Those saying she wouldn’t name a baby out of spite…no, of course if it was an ugly name it wouldn’t have entered her head. But it isn’t, so it then became the ‘only’ name for her because she’s weak. Shame for the child when she discovers the origin of her name was not an honourable family tribute but a source of pain her mother was fully aware of. Also shows everyone connected to your family who she is…"Camilla?! As in Carina’s sister?!" Not that this helps you.

Rareness of name/impossibility of ‘owning’ a name completely besides the point in this case. It’s about common decency.

Could maybe preface the baby’s name with ‘your’ when speaking to in-laws about her. Very common in some parts of the country and a way of politely distancing the two people.

I’m with you OP. Some names are off limits and I strongly feel your sisters name should have been one of them. Seems callous of your SIL, I would have to back off from her.

I agree v much with this - really good idea - using “your”. That way your loved one’s identity gets preserved & kept away from their horrible tarnished one.

Why is a baby sharing a name with someone offensive,what if the SIL had Camilla Parker Bowles in her mind and got idea from her as it is going up in popularity now,she wont be only one or she read top baby names in America for girls- where it is on 11th position or listened to a Camila Cabello song from radio? Even if she heard it the first time from a conversation about OPs sister its a compliment that once her parents chose a pretty name, that SIL also likes and is happy for her baby to be called for the rest of her life. As if any mother would name their child just to be get one over on someone and not actually like the name.

i think if anything OP is out of place turning beautiful celebratory event like a childs birth into drama, baby has been named as parents thought what name fits best for the child and i doubt her sister would have minded, normally this is considered a honourable gesture by a younger generation.

My God, I just can't believe people sometimes. No, you're not being bloody unreasonable at all.

Sometimes the culture of individual wishes being paramount on here surprises me. No OP doesn't 'own' a name or have right of veto but it isn't about ownership or rights. It's about empathy and caring for others, particularly close friends or family.

They sound a close family, not a distant one. OP has shared at length her sister's story with SIL and MIL. They know who she is and the feelings involved.

SIL should at least have acknowledged OP's feelings on this by taking her aside and asking 'can I ask how you would honestly feel if I was to use the name Camilla for my baby. I think it's beautiful but understand that it's very important to you?'.

It sounds like it wasnt the only name she loved if the baby had previously gone by something else. I don't know if there was spite or childish grabbiness involved but she should have handled this with care and tact if she desperately wanted the name.

Spineless DH is a big part of the problem. He should reply to SIL asking 'Can't you understand how much significance that name has for OP?'.

As a northerner, I agree with the our/your distinction as it would come naturally to me. Try and make peace with the name for your own sake but never help this woman out again. If she overspends or has no childcare, sod her.

Yanbu, now that this is on here hopefully people in R L will see this and know what a nasty person she is, along with all the other details like regular tapping up of your husband for money.

You can't change it now, it's happened, you will unfortunately learn to live with it, in the same way as every time in the upcoming coronation that you hear the name Camilla it will cause a little pang of pain , eventually it will get easier.
Saddest thing now is that every time you see the child you will be reminded what a nasty person her mother is.

I am really sorry for your loss and that you have such a diva SIL! You know what I would do? Refer to the child as Camellia! It is a girl's name and a flower (so it is pretty) and when anyone questions you, just say it is your special nickname for the little girl! Nobody can have a pop at you then.

If you want to be a complete cow, you could always refer to her at least to SIL as Cami Knickers!

This is just OTT. There’s going to be a small baby in this who is completely innocent of any wrongdoing-labelling her as horrible and tarnished is ridiculous. OP, I mean this kindly and speaking as someone who lost family members in tragic circumstances young-if you’re in anguish every time you hear your sister’s name after 20 years, it’s time to get grief counselling-otherwise you’re going to be in a lot of pain. Dont get furious with your husband.

I didn’t mean “their horrible tarnished one” to mean the child- more the negative association of SIL ‘s tarnishing of the name.

Of course the child doesn’t deserve any bad vibes. She won’t though. She’ll grow up knowing that her aunt’s sister had her name but that she wasn’t named after her.

I have a twin brother. We are also 38. If she is so close to her brother it's a strange thing to do. She presumably knew it would cause friction between you and your DH thus upsetting her brother.

So, exactly how many people is this name strictly off limits to? Clearly in laws are absolutely forbidden from using it, who else? Close friends? Not particularly close friends? Acquaintances? Colleagues? Next door neighbours? Second cousins? How far removed from OP does someone have to be before they are allowed to give their child the same name as OPs sister who they never knew?