To be absolutely furious/heartbroken about SILs baby name choice?

[CarinaBee]

I set up a new account for this, lots of identifying points here but here goes. I am fully prepared to be told that I have no right to influence the name someone chooses for their baby. but to preface, I feel sick to my stomach over this.

my DH is a twin. His sister is known to be somewhat difficult in the family. Bit of a diva, tends to get her own way. She’s 38. We get on ok but she’s quite possessive of DH and likes to see him alone every now and then. Fine by me but does get a little tiring to hear how being a twin eclipses everything and you couldn’t possibly understand if you don’t have one. I can let a lot slide - the fairly frequent requests for money from DH for one thing. They have 2 other brothers. I get on very well with MIL but we’ve had previous incidents where SIL has been jealous because I’ve seen MIL without her for example. They’re close and good luck to them, I’m not trying to ‘steal’ your Mum from you.

DH’s family are a very close supportive unit and I admire that. By comparison, I had one sister and our mother was an unpleasant alcoholic. Mercifully I had my sister who was 7 years older than me and filled every gap left where Mum didn’t.

long story short, she died after a short but awful illness in 2006 leaving behind 2 very small children. I lived with her during her illness and was finally able to repay the devotion, love and care she always showed me. until my daughter came along 2 years ago, I don’t think I have ever matched the love I feel for her and I will long for her until the day I die.

my SIL has had a baby girl and she’s chosen the same name as my sister. I won’t share it here because it is identifying but know that it is not a common name by any stretch of the imagination. She has 2 sons and now “finally has her girl” and has apparently always wanted to use this name. first I’ve heard of it.

DH told me after he got off the phone and it made me sick to my stomach. He wasn’t prepared to say anything but I didn’t ask him to. Disappointed he didn’t though. I said to MIL that I am devastated but didn’t make a fuss and said I wouldn’t mention to SIL. She told her and all he’ll broke loose. It was 20 years ago, I need to let go and I don’t own the name.

dH and I have been having problems lately and frankly this feels like the final straw. I am the least demanding person - actually probably lean towards being more of a people pleaser, prefer an easy life. But this is too much. I have never shaken the feeling of how cheated my beautiful sister was in life and it’s just so hurtful. There are endless girls names to choose from.

@EnterChasedByAMemory And did those posters who were rushing to say that it’s just a name, not see the part where OP mentioned that her SIL personalised items of clothing in a different name which was why even OP’s MIL was confused because obviously anyone would think when seeing the personalised items clothing that that is the name her SIL is going to choose? And then suddenly she’s done a U-turn and is saying a completely different name is the name she has chosen and the one she wanted all along.

And? Who cares? Maybe she had a name initially but with all the coronation hoo haa, though ‘hmmm, actually, I like Camilla better’. Why isn’t someone entitled to do that? A lot of people tend to lived one’s graves and whatnot. That doesn’t equate to no one ever mentioning that name in their presence. I can’t imagine how/why OP’s DH would ‘have a word’ with his sister.

Whilst l feel sorry that you're devastated I'm struggling to work out why. I don't understand why you wouldn't want anyone to use that name? Or is it just your SIL? At what stage will the name become available again? It's not dishonering your sister and SILs not insinuating it's linked in any way to her. It's not a common name but it's hardly rare. I know 2 Camillas, one around 50, one around 30, plus Queen Camilla herself. I bet the name will see a rise in popularity for a bit.

I think you're being unreasonable. Also I would imagine your BIL (SILs OH) has a say in this too and they're both agreed on the name. Did you even know your SIL when your sister was alive? There's no link at all. They just like the name. You weren't aware she liked the name, why would you be. Are you are of the names your other SIKs might like? This is something you generally discuss with a partner you're planning on having a baby with, possibly in ousting with a school friend.
Do you genuinely think your SIL has deliberately chosen a name she ordinarily wouldn't have chosen simply to get one over on you? Do you see how that sounds? Or maybe you feel as a relative shecshould not choose a name you haven't approved?
As I said, I'm sorry you feel this way and I'm sorry your sister died but that's yours to deal with.

What a weird thread. Not you OP, I can understand your feelings, however I think you're massively overreacting, though I can understand why. But the posters calling your SIL a bitch and a cunt - WTF? It's highly unlikely she has named her baby Camilla to spite you, women...mums don't do that, they don't saddle their newborn with a name they're not fussed on just to piss off an in-law.

I lost my brother when he was 29. I doubt my in-laws would even know his name - if he was ever mentioned in their circle (which I doubt he ever has been) it would be 'lemmeins brother' - not by his actual name. I would never expect my in-laws, or anyone really to have the same associations with his name as I do.

I think your feelings towards your DH's twin is probably heavily influencing your feelings on this - do you really believe she has named her precious baby just to annoy you? Or do you think it's more likely that she just didn't think? If she wasn't in your life when your sister was alive it's likely your sister doesn't even enter her head when she hears the name.

I too think you would benefit from some grief counselling on this, you're not being unreasonable, you feel how you feel, you can't help that - but it does sound like it's still very raw for you despite the years that have past.

I'm truly sorry for your loss - it's nearly 20 years since we lost my brother, it still stings

I also don't want to rub salt into your wounds OP but I actually knew four Camillas when I lived in the UK. It was absolutely a common name, at least in my circle, and it wouldn't occur to me to think anyone had named their child that for any reason except that they liked it and it was regular.

I also feel - though obviously I wasn't there - that the conversation you report about not wanting to use the name, sounds exactly that - a conversation about why YOU didn't want to use the name. Not a statement on your part about why no one else should use it, not even SIL. I'm sorry OP. I agree with a PP that grief counselling can be a big help.

So no, don’t change your mind and call your baby after my sister.

But she isn't calling her baby after your sister, she is merely giving her a name which she likes. Honestly OP, I really think you might benefit from grief counselling, it isn't healthy to be this obsessed with the memory of your sister. To be "furious/heartbroken" about her name being used for a baby really is over the top.

Camilla is not now or will ever be a popular name.

As many posters have already stated that they know of several Camillas (as do I) you are talking through a hole in your head.

I’m sorry for your loss. Your SIL sounds horrible. It’s ok to distance yourself from your dhs family. I wouldn’t suggest cutting them off, just a small step back from her. Let your dh know that you are upset, and to please respect that you won’t always attend family events. And you don’t have to use the name. Just don’t say it. When the child gets older find a nick name instead. And don’t be afraid to mention that your sil and dh are no more related than normal siblings.

Oh it's hard. You're not being unreasonable, but neither is she. Not really.

I named my daughter after a beloved late aunt and never even thought about the effect it may have on others who loved her. I remember my uncles double take and now feel like a little shit. I thought it was lovely and that she would have loved it.

A slight change of subject, OP, but have you ever thought of checking out Al Anon?

By the way, your sister sounds wonderful and even if she had a short life, seems to have made more of a mark on the world than a lot of us do who have been given much more time.

So what if they had personalised items,they seem to have decided that name dosent fit the baby afterall like many parents do,they can order nee personalised stuff again.

OP needs to understand it is her emptions attatched to the name, Camilla is in the most popular baby name list so nowhere near rare name,not like a name that Elon Musks baby has that no one knows how to say beside him and his babys mum. Her sister passed 20 years ago I think its bit ott to be that sensitive over name usage, how many kids get named after passed away grandparents etc to honor them, this name is used by thousands of girls so what,its a name not a person.

She sounds like a spoiled brat and FFS your DH needs to stop giving her money! I totally understand your hurt and upset, it's monstrously insensitive at best and viciously vindictive at worst.

Your dh is in an impossible situation. You've said loyalty is of paramount importance to you and talk of the devotion and loyalty to each other that you had with your sister. Unfortunately this horrible creature is your dh's twin sister who he is loyal to.

The best you can hope for here is for your DH to let his sister know that he thinks her actions are grossly insensitive and he is very unhappy with her. After that, well, he's damned either way. Same for your MIL really, she may think it's appalling too but SIL is her daughter and she'll always love her. I suspect she told her what you'd said because she thinks it was an awful thing to do too.

Just to be clear though, I agree with everyone who says SIL is a massive c*nt and I would keep contact with her to an absolute bare minimum. So sorry for your loss, your sister sounded wonderful.

So sorry, OP
I started reading this thread, assuming you to be the unreasonable one. You're not. And she's a bitch.

That still doesn’t sound great.

OP doesn’t ‘need to understand’ anything, she has the feelings she has, and they’re valid, regardless.

They're actually really understandable as well and it doesn’t take much more than basic level empathy to see why the SIL is out of order.

It is a strange choice in these circumstances. I very much doubt that you would call your tiny baby a name with the intention of causing someone pain though. She must love the name to choose it for her child.

Either she forgot your sister's name (not impossible if she's very self absorbed), or she thought you wouldn't care (again, not impossible if she's self absorbed and has no experience of grief) or she hoped you'd see it as a touching tribute.

Now you've raised the issue, I think she'll change it. She might be resisting now - out of anger or embarrassment- but who wants their child's name associated very acutely with a tragically deceased extended family member?

I'm so sorry for your loss OP of your lovely sister.
It's staggering and shocking that SIL would do this she must be so thick skinned it's incredibly insensitive and selfish I can't understand why someone would have the nerve to do this and she should absolutely be called out for it by her family it's embarrassing for her that she would do this when there are literally millions of other names and then to send a nasty text too not even understanding or considering your feelings has really shown her true colours, most normal people would never dream of it she is truly a nasty person I'm so sorry you have to deal with her (she sounds awful and like a narcissist from the other things you have said about her too) and I hope that your DH and MIL call her out on it on your behalf as they should (sounds like everyone pussy foots around her scared of upsetting spoilt SIL) , I just can't understand why she would want that name and even protesting her 'rights' to it when she has no connection to it or special meaning to it she should just chose another in respect to you and as any normal SIL would do that to persevere their relationship with their brothers wife. She sounds unhinged and wanting to control the whole family please distance yourself from this awful person

I'm sorry this is happening OP, it is hard not to see her action as a deliberate attempt to hurt you (although one does assume she likes the name as well).

My brother died in our childhood and I have often quietly given thanks that none of our friends have used his name (actually I haven't told them it, for added security - out of sight, out of mind). I think I would struggle having to say his name in a regular basis. I don't think that's a weird grief response, surely it's normal.

While she has her feelings so do other people, if someone sees their baby and decided a name is fitting for them they can choose that name,imagine if the SIL actually likes the name and has nothing to do with getting one over on anyone,like who would do that with a name that their child has to carry for the rest of their life- how lame this whole post is and people calling her by names,just by choosing one of the most popular girl names for her baby. Some people honour their relatives by naming the baby after a relative, since when is this offensive,does she stand by civic centre door and ban anyone using Camilla ever again? How does she even read the newspaper if a name is triggering? Or is she just gunning for SIL?

As I said before one of my children has the same name as my husbands ex fiance, when I think of my childs name i dont think of my husbands ex but that name represents me my child only and no one else.

I can't believe some people's responses.
Her using your sister's name is a really low nasty thing to do. You have every right to feel hurt by it.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. Time doesn't really heal; we just learn to function alongside the pain.

I think there will be people who 'get it' and people who just don't. And it doesn't actually matter. Even if nobody in the world can understand how you feel and everyone thinks you're unreasonable, you still have the emotional response you have and it's still valid.

FWIW your SIL sounds a very unpleasant character and you sound very generous of spirit. It's not "condescending" to tolerate people who we recognise are fairly unpleasant in lots of ways but who are important to our loved ones or who are related to us etc. You aren't obligated to love a SIL, but it sounds like you do your best to treat her as though you do.

These kind of threads always attract the tedious "people can do what they want" and "nobody owns a name" responses, but that somewhat misses the point. Yes, technically everyone can just whatever they damn well please and fuck everyone else. But where would that leave us? I'm almost certain these posters don't live their own lives by that mantra. Because if you want to live in a functioning society and in a happy family, you do actually have to consider other people and sometimes you have to make sacrifices for their benefit. A good example of this would be making the relatively small sacrifice of not using your first choice of name for your baby, in order to spare the feelings of your SIL for whom the name stirs up deep trauma.

I think you've been very gracious and generous in the way you've dealt with SIL in your relationship with her so far, but this has probably crossed a line now. She obviously has some weird jealousy issues and feels she is in competition with you for the affections of her brother and mother. I'd just disengage now. I wouldn't react because I imagine she'll love the drama. I'd basically treat her like a toddler; ignore her silly outbursts over birthday lunches and DH's attention, be pleasant enough when you have to see her and avoid spending time with her when you don't need to. The financial handouts and free childcare can stop, and I'd be clear with DH that he is not to hand over family money to his feckless sister any longer.

You don't need to make her understand your point of view. You don't need any of them to understand. Don't feel you have to justify yourself.

Yeah, it’s just so avoidable though, isn’t it? No need. Often it’s hard to do something to help people but this one is really easy. Just choose literally any other name than the one your SIL has told you would cause her pain. Any other name. Or choose the one name of millions that you know will cause pain. It’s not a good look.

This is so lacking in even a basic level of empathy, it's quite jarring to read. How you can read OP's raw description of her pain at losing her sister and still say "this whole post is lame" is beyond me.

Besides, OP did actually already address most of your points RE other people using the name, the name being popular etc.

She sounds hard work and jealous and she's got some issues.
I am so sorry for the loss of your sister which unsurprisingly continues to impact you.
Whatever your SIL motives, (insensitive at the best) she's done it now so can you try and reframe this positively?
Think: it's lovely to hear my sister's name and to be reminded of her
It's nice the name gEts to be used by younger generations etc etc
Try not to let SIL control your emotions. She sounds messed up, you have wonderful memories of your lovely sister and SIL cannot take these away.

It’s thoughtless, uncaring and inappropriate. She sounds thick skinned and spiteful.
I hope your MIL told her how inappropriate it is.
A relative of mine changed their name as an adult by deedpoll to the same name of their deceased sibling who died as a baby before they were born.
Their mother was devastated

Yes. Totally agree.