To be absolutely furious/heartbroken about SILs baby name choice?

[CarinaBee]

I set up a new account for this, lots of identifying points here but here goes. I am fully prepared to be told that I have no right to influence the name someone chooses for their baby. but to preface, I feel sick to my stomach over this.

my DH is a twin. His sister is known to be somewhat difficult in the family. Bit of a diva, tends to get her own way. She’s 38. We get on ok but she’s quite possessive of DH and likes to see him alone every now and then. Fine by me but does get a little tiring to hear how being a twin eclipses everything and you couldn’t possibly understand if you don’t have one. I can let a lot slide - the fairly frequent requests for money from DH for one thing. They have 2 other brothers. I get on very well with MIL but we’ve had previous incidents where SIL has been jealous because I’ve seen MIL without her for example. They’re close and good luck to them, I’m not trying to ‘steal’ your Mum from you.

DH’s family are a very close supportive unit and I admire that. By comparison, I had one sister and our mother was an unpleasant alcoholic. Mercifully I had my sister who was 7 years older than me and filled every gap left where Mum didn’t.

long story short, she died after a short but awful illness in 2006 leaving behind 2 very small children. I lived with her during her illness and was finally able to repay the devotion, love and care she always showed me. until my daughter came along 2 years ago, I don’t think I have ever matched the love I feel for her and I will long for her until the day I die.

my SIL has had a baby girl and she’s chosen the same name as my sister. I won’t share it here because it is identifying but know that it is not a common name by any stretch of the imagination. She has 2 sons and now “finally has her girl” and has apparently always wanted to use this name. first I’ve heard of it.

DH told me after he got off the phone and it made me sick to my stomach. He wasn’t prepared to say anything but I didn’t ask him to. Disappointed he didn’t though. I said to MIL that I am devastated but didn’t make a fuss and said I wouldn’t mention to SIL. She told her and all he’ll broke loose. It was 20 years ago, I need to let go and I don’t own the name.

dH and I have been having problems lately and frankly this feels like the final straw. I am the least demanding person - actually probably lean towards being more of a people pleaser, prefer an easy life. But this is too much. I have never shaken the feeling of how cheated my beautiful sister was in life and it’s just so hurtful. There are endless girls names to choose from.

Op, you speak so beautifully of your sister, what a loss she must have been.

I hope you leave this thread now, it is AIBU at it's very worst and most insensitive. Some posters are wilfully not getting it and even going so far as sticking the knife in and twisting it. As a previous poster said, relationships would have been a better place to post. Your relationship with your Sil will be damaged beyond repair. I do hope that you can find some peace with it. All the best

You are so completely missing the point!!!

!00% this!

He clearly is, but he's not a blood relative!

Maybe that's because it's deserved? We all know this can be a cesspit sometimes!

OP your SIL is very insensitive. Please stop being so nice to her in future and just go completely cold. Don’t help with her children, don’t go over all the time, grey rock her and focus instead in your own life and happiness. Let her spent 100% of her time with your husband if she wants it. Just cut her out emotionally and move on with your life. Never share anything personal with your SIL or MIL in future, speak only of the weather and food.

I’d be moving and not seeing them that often

I'm so sorry about the tragic loss of your beautiful sister 💕

OP I have lost a much loved sister in her 40’s… I know the pain and sadness and total feeling disbelief.
Others can sometimes be thoughtless… their pain is not yours and they are removed a bit.
it is not this child’s fault.. nor is it MIL.
When something occurs which I feel hurt about I ask myself “ What would she do” ? She was a person full of grace and love and I would want to honour that.
I don’t want to hold onto anger because I want to honour her memory.
Maybe think about honouring your sister too and doing something lovely in her memory.
Much love to you.

I posted yesterday about my bitch SIL who after a family relationship with her for very many years, and having been married to her brother (her only sibling) for more than 20 years, as well as being the mother of her only blood nephews, nieces, and with her having insisted on being bridesmaid at our wedding before we had a chance to ask her, chose not to invite me to her wedding making the excuse of small numbers (although she never shared that with me) while inviting their cousin and her husband, who hadn't been in the family for a fraction of the time that I had. H was invited, but not me, and not our children. Still hold it against H many years later that he didn't see the snub, and he went.

I didn't give a shit about not going - I'd long seen her for what she is - but it was the principle of the thing, and the fact that H didn't, and still can't, see the snub against me and our children,

Considering all my experience and what I've read here, I am done. I've always felt obligated to 'like' all the FB posts about their wonderful late mother (she wasn't wonderful to me or to her grandchildren!!) or all the look at me posts, tagging herself at X or Y hospital, and waiting for the "omg are you ok hun?" messages!

So, you’re allowed to have a birthday lunch with her mother but she isn’t allowed to have a birthday lunch (on what is also her birthday) with your DH- who could presumably have declined if you had plans? Oh but whereas you’re an easy-going people pleaser you generously describe your DH (also a people pleaser) as “spineless”. So it’s ok when you do it but when she does it becomes another example in the lengthy list you’ve given us of reasons why she’s a crappy person.

My point is, you want her to care enough about you and value you enough that she wouldn’t choose a name she loved for her child, and treat it as “sacred” and off-limits for your sake. Whereas you only “tolerate” her and have gone to some lengths to describe her many faults and failings without saying one single positive. You clearly look down on her and dislike her a great deal and you still would even if she hadn’t chosen that name. If anything, it sounds like you’d be glad of an excuse to chop her out of your life for good. Personally I think it would be a real pity if something like a baby’s name becomes the thing that results in a wedge being driven into a family.

agree with this^ .
I’m really sorry about your sister. It’s a big tragedy when someone is leaving so young and so full of life. And it’s very very unfair.
But it’s nothing to do with your SIL and her baby girl. I think you are unfair to her.
You’ve asked where you draw the line. Some people in your situation would choose the name for their children, some don’t. Everyone remembers differently. The line is that it’s a personal choice and no one is allowed to judge. However your SIL is out of this equation completely.

At first I wasn’t sure because the name isn’t that uncommon and all Royal Family members names are usually quite popular and fairly commonplace.

But after reading this, it seems to me that that your DH needs to talk to his twin sister. She clearly dotes on him and may listen to him.

It’s odd to personalise items of clothing in one name and then decide to name a baby a different name that clearly has sentimental values and impacts someone so emotionally and then say that is the name they wanted all along. Then why personalise things in an another name?

SIL isn’t a blood relative to OP or her sister.

Her husband is!!

The responses here show so clearly how sadly selfish and entitled society has become!! Camilla is not a 'mainstream' name - I'm 60 and I've ever only known one, at school!! Not sure I'd want the connotations around the same either?

If the new Camilla's parents don't care about the upset it causes you following the loss of your sister Camilla - then you need to do whatever it takes to enable you to deal with it x

Names can be fraught and are best kept to yourselves until baby is born.

My parents had chosen a name for their DS (not that they knew it was going to be a DS in the 70s). My mum stupidly told her friend and of course, friend's DS was born first and got the name my parents wanted. Sadly our sibling died as an infant. We all considered naming our children after our late baby brother but none of us did.

I'm not even sure of my SILs siblings names we aren't close.

The thing is how close is OP and the SIL really? I wouldn't know a thing about SILs siblings or deep family history we aren't close at all. I don't know their names we don't really communicate if I decided to call a baby the name of SILs relative who passed 20 years ago it would because I liked the name not because of evil motives. It's a DH problem really he should be saying to his sister that OPs sister was called the same name and she's finding it difficult with this and it's brought back memories etc.

OP I've stayed up late reading your posts and it's almost had me in tears.

I'm so, so sorry you're in this awful situation and you absolutely have every right to feel devastated.

There are a number of posters strongly siding with you who's numbers are too much for me to quote, but of course YANBU. You've unfortunately married into a family with a completely toxic SIL.

My advice is to stand your ground - it's just very important IMO that, for the sake of your future relationship with your in-laws, that you make it very clear that what your SIL has done is completely unacceptable. Good luck

I’m absolutely failing to see why blood matters. If SIL is a cunt surely BIL is a cunt for the same reasons of insensitivity? Very weird to suggest eh isn’t because he isn’t blood related to anyone.

Camilla is very much a well known name and growing in popularity

Unfortunately Camilla is not that unusual.

As well as Queen you have Camilla Cabello. Camilla from Love Island 🙄 and I know of 2 at DDs school.

I expected to hear it was something almost unheard of. So yes YABU on one hand, however YANBU for feeling hurt.

You are being over the top ridiculous. There are going to be tens of thousands of girls with that name coming along and you are going to hear it endlessly via the press. It’s just a name, it’s not the person you love.

I have someone very close and dear to me die around fifty years ago now, I was an older teen at the time. I’m still gutted all this time after as they were my world. All this time later, I’d be lucky to have a week where I didn’t shed a quiet tear in private because I still miss them so much. But they didn’t own a name. That name is not all they were. A young family member gave the name to their child within the last decade, not as a tribute but it’s a name they liked, and I think it’s fabulous and it always makes me smile when I hear it. You are going to be in for a hard life if you try and control people like this.

Some posters on here are really something. I know this is on AIBU, but still

Yes nobody owns a name and everyone deals with difficult memories and experiences differently. And did those posters who were rushing to say that it’s just a name, not see the part where OP mentioned that her SIL personalised items of clothing in a different name which was why even OP’s MIL was confused because obviously anyone would think when seeing the personalised items clothing that that is the name her SIL is going to choose? And then suddenly she’s done a U-turn and is saying a completely different name is the name she has chosen and the one she wanted all along.

Also, OP mentioned that her in-laws know that she mentions putting flowers etc on her sister’s grave and even has her sister’s picture in her living room so surely her SIL would know that of all names, she would avoid the name that will hurt OP the most?

It’s not like others cannot use the name but when it’s her DH’s twin sister who shows she’s very close to her brother, then of course it will hit different.

OP, as said before, perhaps your DH can speak to his sister? She might have a chance of heart.

No wonder you are upset.
Your SIL has brought back sad memories.

Though because Camilla has been the name of a person in the press and is a very lovely name it is quite possible that your SIL has always been aware of it and loved it. I could believe that.
She, as you said, discussed whether you would ever use the name and you replied 'no'.
Your SIL doesn't have the same sad connection to your beloved sister's beautiful name.

The baby niece has a truly terrific name and you really have no choice but to welcome her into the family and learn about her and love her.
There will be many Camilla's in coming years in recognition of King Charles and his chosen Queen Camilla. (who has proven to be interested in and supportive of many charitable women's causes.)