Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely furious/heartbroken about SILs baby name choice?

805 replies

CarinaBee · 01/04/2023 19:10

I set up a new account for this, lots of identifying points here but here goes. I am fully prepared to be told that I have no right to influence the name someone chooses for their baby. but to preface, I feel sick to my stomach over this.

my DH is a twin. His sister is known to be somewhat difficult in the family. Bit of a diva, tends to get her own way. She’s 38. We get on ok but she’s quite possessive of DH and likes to see him alone every now and then. Fine by me but does get a little tiring to hear how being a twin eclipses everything and you couldn’t possibly understand if you don’t have one. I can let a lot slide - the fairly frequent requests for money from DH for one thing. They have 2 other brothers. I get on very well with MIL but we’ve had previous incidents where SIL has been jealous because I’ve seen MIL without her for example. They’re close and good luck to them, I’m not trying to ‘steal’ your Mum from you.

DH’s family are a very close supportive unit and I admire that. By comparison, I had one sister and our mother was an unpleasant alcoholic. Mercifully I had my sister who was 7 years older than me and filled every gap left where Mum didn’t.

long story short, she died after a short but awful illness in 2006 leaving behind 2 very small children. I lived with her during her illness and was finally able to repay the devotion, love and care she always showed me. until my daughter came along 2 years ago, I don’t think I have ever matched the love I feel for her and I will long for her until the day I die.

my SIL has had a baby girl and she’s chosen the same name as my sister. I won’t share it here because it is identifying but know that it is not a common name by any stretch of the imagination. She has 2 sons and now “finally has her girl” and has apparently always wanted to use this name. first I’ve heard of it.

DH told me after he got off the phone and it made me sick to my stomach. He wasn’t prepared to say anything but I didn’t ask him to. Disappointed he didn’t though. I said to MIL that I am devastated but didn’t make a fuss and said I wouldn’t mention to SIL. She told her and all he’ll broke loose. It was 20 years ago, I need to let go and I don’t own the name.

dH and I have been having problems lately and frankly this feels like the final straw. I am the least demanding person - actually probably lean towards being more of a people pleaser, prefer an easy life. But this is too much. I have never shaken the feeling of how cheated my beautiful sister was in life and it’s just so hurtful. There are endless girls names to choose from.

OP posts:
Fifi1010 · 01/04/2023 23:41

I have a couple of childhood acquaintances called Camilla and I'm 30. I don't think it's that unusual .

BignBootiful · 01/04/2023 23:42

Namechangenoidea · 01/04/2023 23:23

The way you talk about your sister, I’m not surprised your sil likes the name. She sounds like an angel. I honestly think you have put the name into her head, but I don’t think she chose it to hurt you I think she chose it because you made the name Camilla sound so lovely. People don’t chose names just to hurt people, she would have had to love that name to her chosen it.

With all due respect I have a feeling that op might have a better understanding of SIL and her motives than you do.

Original poster
CarinaBee · 01/04/2023 23:42

AngeloMysterioso · 01/04/2023 23:33

But… it’s not about you. Or your sister. You need to allow that, for your SIL, there are several degrees of separation between her new baby DD and her brother’s wife’s sister, who she knows of, but didn’t know herself.

Look at it from a different direction if you can. Would you expect someone else not to choose a name that they loved because it was the name that someone they didn’t know who passed away nearly twenty years ago had, to spare the feelings of someone who can’t stand her anyway?

Say SIL hadn’t chosen the name, but further down the line told you that she had really loved the name Camilla and wanted to give it to her DD, but she didn’t choose it because it would have upset you- would it have improved your opinion of, and by extension relationship with her? Or would you have said oh thanks I appreciate that, but still think of her as your selfish pain in the arse SIL who you really don’t like?

She was kind of damned if she did, damned if she didn’t.

Show quote history

But… it’s not about you. Or your sister. You need to allow that, for your SIL, there are several degrees of separation between her new baby DD and her brother’s wife’s sister, who she knows of, but didn’t know herself.

she is my sister in law! She isn’t an old work colleague I last saw 15 years ago

OP posts:
BignBootiful · 01/04/2023 23:44

Fifi1010 · 01/04/2023 23:41

I have a couple of childhood acquaintances called Camilla and I'm 30. I don't think it's that unusual .

Even if the name wasn't unusual, say if it was Anna, it would still to my mind be a rogue move by the SIL. It would be disrespectful and insensitive. I can't imagine myself doing such a thing. Would you?

MuchasSmoochas · 01/04/2023 23:49

It’s brutal and SIL knows it. I’m so sorry OP, you write beautifully about your sister and l’m heart sore for you. It doesn’t matter how common/popular the name is, it’s hurtful and there are so many options out there that she could use. You are right to feel upset. If it were me, I would want my DH to acknowledge how hurtful it is and back off from his DS. Actions have consequences.

AngeloMysterioso · 01/04/2023 23:49

CarinaBee · 01/04/2023 23:42

But… it’s not about you. Or your sister. You need to allow that, for your SIL, there are several degrees of separation between her new baby DD and her brother’s wife’s sister, who she knows of, but didn’t know herself.

she is my sister in law! She isn’t an old work colleague I last saw 15 years ago

Show quote history

I get that. But this just isn’t as personal for her as it is for you, and you would still have hated her if she hadn’t used it, wouldn’t you?

PinkSyCo · 02/04/2023 00:01

No-one would saddle their own child with a name that they didn’t love out of spite. Sorry, but I think you’re being so unreasonable here OP.

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 02/04/2023 00:02

CarinaBee · 01/04/2023 23:03

With respect, I’m not talking about the names of strangers’ kids. Of course that wouldn’t stop me in my tracks.

She has heard about how my C would cook me dinner, wash my uniform, buy my Xmas presents from money she found around the house, help me with my homework while our mum was pissed and unconscious upstairs. How she juggled university and continuing to parent me because I was 7 years younger and how I eventually lived with her because living with mum was unbearable eventually and I still wasn’t old enough to leave home. How she died and I carried her fucking coffin and had to watch her kids draw pictures of their “dead mum” because kids react really unusually with their plastic little traumatised brains. So no, don’t change your mind and call your baby after my sister.

Show quote history

Look at that last line in your post: "don't change your mind and call your baby after my sister"

She hasn't named the baby after your sister because this woman never knew your sister. It sounds like she's jumping on the bandwagon and choosing a name that's become trendy.

It doesn't sound like you two have much of a relationship; it's certainly not a close one. At any rate you or your husband or your MIL can't control what she does. The only thing that matters is how much you allow this to affect you. That is really the only thing you have control over in this situation.

Namechangenoidea · 02/04/2023 00:07

BignBootiful · 01/04/2023 23:42

With all due respect I have a feeling that op might have a better understanding of SIL and her motives than you do.

Show quote history

I’m just trying to help op see it from a different perspective. I hate my sis in law but life is easier when I am not filled with hate for her. Her sil should have asked no doubt about it.

KTSl1964 · 02/04/2023 00:08

Your sister in law is a bitch. People say “it’s only a name” well change it then. You have expressed how you feel - I’d maybe keep quiet now as maybe she gets off on the drama. She can see her brother alone and you can distance yourself. I grew up in an alcoholic family - we are all survivors and it’s damaged me in so many ways. Having your lovely sister to love and care for you in the way she did gave you some stability. To feel we matter is so so important - I understand why she means so much and for your SIL to use her name given how you have described her - selfish - the total opposite to your sister - I feel your pain. 🌺

Micemice · 02/04/2023 00:09

Ah op sounds a Very challenging situation, I am sorry you are going through this.
I am afraid I did this very thing to my
SIL and until the baby was named and announced I never actually have thought to how difficult it might have been for her or even thought of her connection tbh, shameful i know given I knew about her sibling who died 20 years earlier with the same name. After a few days I suddenly realised and felt terrible and tried to sis out how she was feeling about it, it didn’t cause a bug issue but I genuinely didn’t want to upset her( or her parents who I in occasion see). My SIl was understanding about it but I felt like a complete dick- why didn’t I just think!!!
she went on to name her own child the same name as their middle name and causally said if I havnt used it in a first zname she would have. Which made me feel terrible. Maybe as awful as it seems your SIL just didn’t think it would impact you? I get how you’ve said it was a hard name to hear etc tho so im
sure they did know. My sister never talked about the name much / use of name, difficulty hearing etc thanks fully. But overall if I could turn back time Id have not used it!!’

Original poster
CarinaBee · 02/04/2023 00:09

We don’t have a difficult relationship. She is generally a high-maintenance character. Bit of a diva. Prone to jealousy. My other SIL’s say the same. They’re a v close family, we see them every Sunday and sometimes mid week. All live nearby.

comment a few post up saying that I “hated her” - not sure where I’ve indicated that. I said I tolerated her, which is true. I have been a very good aunt to her children and often help with childcare and money when she’s sounded it on the latest Selfridges trip and can’t really wait til payday. I have let lots of things that annoy me slip because frankly I don’t care for drama. The fact that she isn’t someone I would choose as a friend doesn’t mean we have a terrible ‘in law’ relationship.

I’m not here to get people to agree with me, I won’t change my mind on this matter. Ultimately, I will not get past the fact that she has named her daughter this when she knows her memory is so precious to me.

OP posts:
MsRosley · 02/04/2023 00:09

Namechangenoidea · 01/04/2023 23:23

The way you talk about your sister, I’m not surprised your sil likes the name. She sounds like an angel. I honestly think you have put the name into her head, but I don’t think she chose it to hurt you I think she chose it because you made the name Camilla sound so lovely. People don’t chose names just to hurt people, she would have had to love that name to her chosen it.

This is almost wilfully naive. Grow up.

MsRosley · 02/04/2023 00:10

I'm sorry, OP. Your SIL has shown herself to be an absolute bitch. All you can do it avoid her like the plague.

Original poster
CarinaBee · 02/04/2023 00:18

KTSl1964 · 02/04/2023 00:08

Your sister in law is a bitch. People say “it’s only a name” well change it then. You have expressed how you feel - I’d maybe keep quiet now as maybe she gets off on the drama. She can see her brother alone and you can distance yourself. I grew up in an alcoholic family - we are all survivors and it’s damaged me in so many ways. Having your lovely sister to love and care for you in the way she did gave you some stability. To feel we matter is so so important - I understand why she means so much and for your SIL to use her name given how you have described her - selfish - the total opposite to your sister - I feel your pain. 🌺

this ❤️ I said previously that I am SO conscious not to ‘trauma dump’ on people, but the salient facts are that unless you grew up in a home where you were terrified of your parent and had to constantly navigate their moods/behaviour, you can’t understand. I feel so much sadness for how much she carried and then she died.

sorry this was your experience too ❤️ people wouldn’t imagine the true day-to-day occurrences would they? What it’s REALLY like to survive this.

You talk about wanting to ‘matter’ and that’s so true. This is what I meant when I said upthread that I definitely feel that there is the expectation that I should just “put up with things” because that’s what I always had to do.

OP posts:
ladyvimes · 02/04/2023 00:18

I’m normally very much in the ‘you don’t own a name’ camp but in this case I make an exception. Your SIL sounds like a horrible, entitled person who is jealous of you and the relationship you have with her brother. Naming her dd this name is either, at best, incredibly thoughtless and self-absorbed, or, at worst, a nasty power play. Either way I would seriously distance myself from her from now on and have a serious discussion with your dh about how this has made you feel.
And your sister sounds like a wonderful person. You are so lucky to have had such a special person in your life.

AngeloMysterioso · 02/04/2023 00:21

Well, I’m not sure that I wouldn’t give my child a name that I loved in order to spare the feelings of someone who merely “tolerates” me. How condescending.

monsteramunch · 02/04/2023 00:22

ladyvimes · 02/04/2023 00:18

I’m normally very much in the ‘you don’t own a name’ camp but in this case I make an exception. Your SIL sounds like a horrible, entitled person who is jealous of you and the relationship you have with her brother. Naming her dd this name is either, at best, incredibly thoughtless and self-absorbed, or, at worst, a nasty power play. Either way I would seriously distance myself from her from now on and have a serious discussion with your dh about how this has made you feel.
And your sister sounds like a wonderful person. You are so lucky to have had such a special person in your life.

I completely agree.

I'm baffled as to how anyone thinks that her doing this is anything other than cruel.

Either vindictively or with a complete disregard for your feelings about something heartbreaking.

Either way, cruel.

Sorry this has happened OP, I would be absolutely gutted too.

And I agree your sister sounds absolutely incredible.

Flowers
Original poster
CarinaBee · 02/04/2023 00:25

AngeloMysterioso · 02/04/2023 00:21

Well, I’m not sure that I wouldn’t give my child a name that I loved in order to spare the feelings of someone who merely “tolerates” me. How condescending.

Yes I tolerate her coming for money when she’s squandered hers irresponsibly on handbags and Louboutins when she has children to feed. Yes I tolerate her flying off the handle when I take my MIL for a birthday lunch because she wasn’t invited even though she was at work. Yes I tolerate her when she takes my husband out on his actual birthday when surely I might want to spend time with him and we might have plans?

I’m good at ‘tolerating’!

OP posts:
Original poster
CarinaBee · 02/04/2023 00:29

And yes I tolerate her accusations that I visit their elderly widowed aunt who lives alone that she “will be left out of the will” with heavy undertones that these are my motives.

i could go on and on. But it’s not helpful. I’m not here to drip feed because those examples don’t really matter, I am incredibly skilled at rising above bullshit that doesn’t serve me. But this is a step too far.

thanks so much for all the comments, greatly appreciate it. I won’t be posting again.

OP posts:
allmyliesaretrue · 02/04/2023 00:32

PuttingOnTheKitsch · 01/04/2023 21:15

The person who said that neither of you are unreasonable is right.

The competitive outrage from some on here is unhelpful. Especially the advice about calling an unborn child a nasty nickname related to the name. Honestly one of the stupidest suggestions I've seen posted on here.

You mention that you and DH aren't getting on well. Maybe you would like this to be the last straw. However, you don't need a final event to give you permission to end a relationship.

You have so little understanding of the issues here, maybe it would be best to sit on your hands.

ButterCrackers · 02/04/2023 00:32

The name is spelt the same and will sound the same but won’t he the same name of your sister. This is because your sisters name is unique and no matter how many times you hear the name there is only one version that is your sisters name. I agree is wrong of your SIL to use this name but the name for your sister is in your heart and nothing removes it from there.

allmyliesaretrue · 02/04/2023 00:34

mcmooberry · 01/04/2023 21:19

@allmyliesaretrue agree with every wise word you have written, it's terrifying how lacking in empathy so many posters on here can be.

It's sad and shocking tbh!

EstelleOrders · 02/04/2023 00:35

So sorry for your loss, however it's not an usual name, it's a beautiful name and I doubt your Sil picked it to upset you.

Kate0902900908 · 02/04/2023 00:35

Your SIL is a horror. Clearly she knows how hard it was loosing your sister in what seems to be early in her life. You also told her exactly why you didn’t name your own child after her…Camilla is not now or will ever be a popular name. It’s also very distinct.

I don’t get ‘you can’t tell people what to call their child’ this is family you are married to her TWIN does she have no respect or decency….

I would have to never speak to her again, not because her child is named Camilla but because she is only doing it because it’s something she can do to be in the middle of your marriage and get one over on you for stealing her twin?! (weird) and I also would be extremely upset with husband, he’s your partner he should stand up for your feelings and say ‘sister this is not ok, it’s hurtful I’m sorry but I’m not happy about this’ ….. she may still go ahead but at least he stands with you and supports how you feel.

Im sorry for your loss ♥️

Swipe left for the next trending thread