To be absolutely furious/heartbroken about SILs baby name choice?

[CarinaBee]

I set up a new account for this, lots of identifying points here but here goes. I am fully prepared to be told that I have no right to influence the name someone chooses for their baby. but to preface, I feel sick to my stomach over this.

my DH is a twin. His sister is known to be somewhat difficult in the family. Bit of a diva, tends to get her own way. She’s 38. We get on ok but she’s quite possessive of DH and likes to see him alone every now and then. Fine by me but does get a little tiring to hear how being a twin eclipses everything and you couldn’t possibly understand if you don’t have one. I can let a lot slide - the fairly frequent requests for money from DH for one thing. They have 2 other brothers. I get on very well with MIL but we’ve had previous incidents where SIL has been jealous because I’ve seen MIL without her for example. They’re close and good luck to them, I’m not trying to ‘steal’ your Mum from you.

DH’s family are a very close supportive unit and I admire that. By comparison, I had one sister and our mother was an unpleasant alcoholic. Mercifully I had my sister who was 7 years older than me and filled every gap left where Mum didn’t.

long story short, she died after a short but awful illness in 2006 leaving behind 2 very small children. I lived with her during her illness and was finally able to repay the devotion, love and care she always showed me. until my daughter came along 2 years ago, I don’t think I have ever matched the love I feel for her and I will long for her until the day I die.

my SIL has had a baby girl and she’s chosen the same name as my sister. I won’t share it here because it is identifying but know that it is not a common name by any stretch of the imagination. She has 2 sons and now “finally has her girl” and has apparently always wanted to use this name. first I’ve heard of it.

DH told me after he got off the phone and it made me sick to my stomach. He wasn’t prepared to say anything but I didn’t ask him to. Disappointed he didn’t though. I said to MIL that I am devastated but didn’t make a fuss and said I wouldn’t mention to SIL. She told her and all he’ll broke loose. It was 20 years ago, I need to let go and I don’t own the name.

dH and I have been having problems lately and frankly this feels like the final straw. I am the least demanding person - actually probably lean towards being more of a people pleaser, prefer an easy life. But this is too much. I have never shaken the feeling of how cheated my beautiful sister was in life and it’s just so hurtful. There are endless girls names to choose from.

Thank you. So sorry to hear of your sister - really hope she is doing as well as can be expected ❤️ all you can do is love them and be there, I always tell people that caring for someone you love so much is much easier than you think it’ll be. And totally understand your secret wish - they’re your whole past and all your memories. Much love to you x

I am so sorry that you lost your sister far too soon
And also that you have a toxic SIL and your DH doesn't stand up to her - that must be an incredibly painful situation for you to be in. From what you said it sounds as if he gives her money and time? And presumably will continue to do so in spite of her actions?
I recommend the book "Toxic In-laws" by Susan Forward. And I think it might benefit you and your husband to have some couple's counselling. It might just encourage him to see your pov and to rethink his own approach.

With respect, I’m not talking about the names of strangers’ kids. Of course that wouldn’t stop me in my tracks.

She has heard about how my C would cook me dinner, wash my uniform, buy my Xmas presents from money she found around the house, help me with my homework while our mum was pissed and unconscious upstairs. How she juggled university and continuing to parent me because I was 7 years younger and how I eventually lived with her because living with mum was unbearable eventually and I still wasn’t old enough to leave home. How she died and I carried her fucking coffin and had to watch her kids draw pictures of their “dead mum” because kids react really unusually with their plastic little traumatised brains. So no, don’t change your mind and call your baby after my sister.

I don’t get on with my BiL and SiL and I’ve just realised I’m actually not sure of SiL’s brother’s name….. I don’t spend much time with them. We don’t really get on which is fine, she’s not someone I’d choose to spend time with if we weren’t married to our DH’s. Nothing horrible just different personalities. Could have inadvertently committed a faux pas as I never considered names outside the immediate family really.

So yes, it’s a fairly common name and no one owns it, however it does hurt that she’s been insensitive (or worse) as she did know this name meant something to you. Take some time and some distance from her and re-evaluate the relationship. Your DH is in a difficult position and probably starting a row with his twin not long after she’s given birth was probably wise. However I would expect him to support you in redefining your relationship with his sister in whatever form that looks like and backing you up.

Have you explained all this directly to your SIL?

What is your DH going to say to her about it?

Or do you expect your MIL to sort it all out?

I’m sorry for the loss of your sister but if you want to get angry about this then get angry.

I mean this as gently as possible- YABU.

I can’t help feeling that this response is coloured by the fact that you clearly really disliked your SIL even before all this- and she probably wasn’t unaware of that. She must really have liked the name to have chosen it even after doing all the sex/name reveal stuff- maybe the connection to your sister put her off initially and then she thought “well actually, Carina already hates me anyway and that’s not going to change so fuck it, I love the name and I’m going to use it”.

Perhaps the connection with your sister didn’t even enter her mind at the time- maybe her daughter was born and the name she’d chosen just didn’t feel right. Maybe it was her DH’s suggestion. Maybe she saw it on a newspaper headline whilst she was eating toast in the postnatal ward, looked at her baby and thought, yep. That’s your name.
Either way, I very much doubt that you and some desire to upset you were front and centre in her mind when the name was as picked.

She could have found a tactful and sensitive way to let you know- she didn’t, and that was crap of her. But for some people it’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission (and clearly you’d never have given permission if she had). And chances are, even if she had, your strength of feeling towards her and about the name meant that you probably would have reacted the way you have regardless.

It’s up to you now how you handle this. You can allow it to create a rift between you and your husband, or his family, or between him and his family, or all three- I think that it would be a real pity if this were the case.

Or, you can reconcile yourself with the fact that this is your niece’s name now, try and move on from the hurt, and who knows- she may turn out to be an utterly delightful child whose presence in your life becomes something you cherish.

Your SiL is behaving horrendously in using your Dear Sister's name. But I just came here to send you my love, a big hug, and to reiterate what PPs have said about how you want to react to your SiL's unforgivable behaviour, is totally fine. Whether that is tolerating her - but then you would have to hear your little niece being called that name at every family occasion - or totally going no contact with her, or anywhere in-between, it is your choice.

If anyone who's opinion you do value, argues against your decision, then sadly you might have to make more hard decisions. However, apart from your SiL (whose opinion you presumably don't care about anyway) does think differently to you, I think you should try to see it from their viewpoint as well, before you make any irreversible decisions. As your Dear Sister's children must be adults by now, could you talk to them about this situation, as they might be able to add a thoughtful perspective to your own thoughts on this matter? I'm thinking about you @CarinaBee, and I'm trying to send you positive and loving energies. One thing I do know for certain, is that your Dear Sister would be very proud of you 🩷 xxx

Your SIL is a cunt. Shehas deliberately done this to upset you. Bonus points to her if it causes a row between you and her darling brother.

You re best line of action now is to pretend to be glad. Pretend to feel honoured she has chosen your beloved sisters name.

Unfortunately you will have to play a very twisted game.

Call your niece Millie birthday cards and everyfink.

I'm really sorry OP, I can see why this would be really difficult to deal with.

I don't know what you can do about the name but my advice is that she may not be your friend. Don't ever again give her any information that can be used to hurt you.

Your MIL is clearly aware that her DD has been unreasonable otherwise she wouldn't have rang you.

Your sister sounds wonderful, as do you.

Yanbu OP.

You can't help how you feel. It's so shit of her given you've specifically told her how hearing the name makes you feel.

However the worst thing is, that you cant help how you feel. You told your MiL you were shocked and upset. You didn't have a go at her, make any demands, lose your temper. You simply expressed your feelings to a third party.

And your SiL upon learning that she has really upset you about your dead sister...thinks it's ok to compound this by having a go at you for 'ruining her special moment'. That's so self absorbed.

Fuck them, I dont think you have to tolerate her now you know how little she cares about your feelings.

Why will she "have to play a very twisted game"?

Who exactly will that benefit? What exactly will that achieve?

This is real life, not a duff ITV drama.

Op, I mean this gently but camilla is a really,popular name now. Your whole premise is this isn’t a popular name, but sadly it is. It is absolutely like Anna.

Who names a kid to upset someone. That’s her child. It’s a common name.

I wish I’d never said it was unusual. I actually don’t know anyone with this name, mutual or otherwise.

that’s not actually the point. It was my sisters name and the only person that ever meant anything to me. It’s not the only name in the world and she knows everything about her.

The way you talk about your sister, I’m not surprised your sil likes the name. She sounds like an angel. I honestly think you have put the name into her head, but I don’t think she chose it to hurt you I think she chose it because you made the name Camilla sound so lovely. People don’t chose names just to hurt people, she would have had to love that name to her chosen it.

Your SIL knows exactly what she's doing. It's clever (except for the fact that it could rob her daughter of a loving aunt). She seriously dislikes you, because no-one would do this to someone they could even barely tolerate. I think you should just cut her off completely.

Supposing the name was, I dunno, Zsa Zsa, would that make a difference!? That isn’t common but perhaps there’s a school somewhere with every girl in a class with that name. I can’t fathom how she would want to call her daughter the same name as my sister whose life was cut short just as it finally started to bring her some happiness.

I might have to ask for this thread to be pulled I think. Is that possible? I’m winding myself up.

And who wouldn’t want a daughter like your sister? -sorry posted too soon

It's got f all top do with how many people have the name.

Flinching because you hear a mum call her daughter in the shops, is not the same as your husband's sister finding a way to "pull the wings off flies". That's what this is.

Inflicting unnecessary pain, and watching the fallout.

Pure jealousy . She wants her brother for herself and you are in the way so she's found a way to really hurt you. I'm really sorry for you and the little girl who is being used as a pawn in her power games.

OP if this thread is upsetting you I suggest you start a new thread in Relationships. The tone is general more supportive and less critical/nit-picky.

I agree with this @Playingchesswithpigeons

She gets to choose her actions, but equally there is a reasonable reaction.

But… it’s not about you. Or your sister. You need to allow that, for your SIL, there are several degrees of separation between her new baby DD and her brother’s wife’s sister, who she knows of, but didn’t know herself.

Look at it from a different direction if you can. Would you expect someone else not to choose a name that they loved because it was the name that someone they didn’t know who passed away nearly twenty years ago had, to spare the feelings of someone who can’t stand her anyway?

Say SIL hadn’t chosen the name, but further down the line told you that she had really loved the name Camilla and wanted to give it to her DD, but she didn’t choose it because it would have upset you- would it have improved your opinion of, and by extension relationship with her? Or would you have said oh thanks I appreciate that, but still think of her as your selfish pain in the arse SIL who you really don’t like?

She was kind of damned if she did, damned if she didn’t.

I think this is an awfully selfish thing to do. There’s so many nice names out there - don’t chose one that is going to cause a family member pain. It’s as simple as that for me