To be absolutely furious/heartbroken about SILs baby name choice?

[CarinaBee]

I set up a new account for this, lots of identifying points here but here goes. I am fully prepared to be told that I have no right to influence the name someone chooses for their baby. but to preface, I feel sick to my stomach over this.

my DH is a twin. His sister is known to be somewhat difficult in the family. Bit of a diva, tends to get her own way. She’s 38. We get on ok but she’s quite possessive of DH and likes to see him alone every now and then. Fine by me but does get a little tiring to hear how being a twin eclipses everything and you couldn’t possibly understand if you don’t have one. I can let a lot slide - the fairly frequent requests for money from DH for one thing. They have 2 other brothers. I get on very well with MIL but we’ve had previous incidents where SIL has been jealous because I’ve seen MIL without her for example. They’re close and good luck to them, I’m not trying to ‘steal’ your Mum from you.

DH’s family are a very close supportive unit and I admire that. By comparison, I had one sister and our mother was an unpleasant alcoholic. Mercifully I had my sister who was 7 years older than me and filled every gap left where Mum didn’t.

long story short, she died after a short but awful illness in 2006 leaving behind 2 very small children. I lived with her during her illness and was finally able to repay the devotion, love and care she always showed me. until my daughter came along 2 years ago, I don’t think I have ever matched the love I feel for her and I will long for her until the day I die.

my SIL has had a baby girl and she’s chosen the same name as my sister. I won’t share it here because it is identifying but know that it is not a common name by any stretch of the imagination. She has 2 sons and now “finally has her girl” and has apparently always wanted to use this name. first I’ve heard of it.

DH told me after he got off the phone and it made me sick to my stomach. He wasn’t prepared to say anything but I didn’t ask him to. Disappointed he didn’t though. I said to MIL that I am devastated but didn’t make a fuss and said I wouldn’t mention to SIL. She told her and all he’ll broke loose. It was 20 years ago, I need to let go and I don’t own the name.

dH and I have been having problems lately and frankly this feels like the final straw. I am the least demanding person - actually probably lean towards being more of a people pleaser, prefer an easy life. But this is too much. I have never shaken the feeling of how cheated my beautiful sister was in life and it’s just so hurtful. There are endless girls names to choose from.

Yeah there's a lot of that around lately.

There's a thread running at the moment about the population children's names in posters classes.Several posters reporting multiple 'Camilla' s in their dcs ckasses

Is there a chance that she's using it because it's the new Queen's name and she'll be one of the first to use it nowadays?

Unless SIL is a bona fide psychopath I cannot imagine she would give her baby a name to be cruel to OP. I would assume that her love for her child would counter any mind games that she may play. It is possible that she does actually really like the name because it is a lovely name.

It's my toddler daughter's name. I've loved it for 20 years, since it's pretty, well-known, easy to pronounce, travels well, but there are not many of them around. (I hope it doesn't get too popular now with the queen consort).

Having said that, if my SIL had gone through what you did, I'd never dream of using it. It's very insensitive of her. Try to separate the two Camillas in your head.

I've only read your posts and not all the responses but is she trying to drive a wedge between you and your DH?

I think you maybe need to let this go, the name is probably going to make a comeback anyway for obvious reasons. I know a couple of people, adults in their 30s with this name anyway, it isn't as unique as you made it out to be.

There's a couple of sets of boy girl twins in my husband's family, they are close, the twin bond thing is real, certainly in the case of the twins I know anyway. I think you just don't like this woman, you sound like a stereotypical wife who doesn't like the fact her husband is close to his sister.

Everyone? I don’t think so, I haven’t and neither have most of the other commenters. Some have written really horrible things that’s true, call them out if you want but don’t lump us normal people that left normal comments in with them.

This. Selfish and self absorbed people simply don't think of anyone else. She probably dodnt actually mean to be malicious about it. I'd tell the family how unhappy you are about this, and then distance yourself from her. I'd actually write her a letter about it. Because of the way you describe her, I'm assuming she won't care.

Yes, one poster said there were three Camilla's in Reception...

You’re right, apologies I should have said ‘most’

What's done is done.

SIL is out of order so give her a wide berth.

Don't take it out on dh as it wasn't his fault.

Also the twin bind thing is absolutely real and scientifically proven.

I remember watching a tragic documentary about triplets who were separated at a few months old and they all had childhood problems (some that spilled into adulthood) due to separation anxiety. And they never knew they were part of triplets until adulthood - but being torn away from one another as babies had long lasting effects.

She sounds like a horrible and insensitive person op. Is there any hope that she will have flounced off for good?

I couldn’t forgive this I’m afraid.

There are literally thousands of names she could have chosen.

One of my best friends had a little girl who died. She had an absolutely beautiful name but I would never in a million years dream of using it for my baby. You just do not do it.

This. The only thing I’d add is try not to let this drive a wedge between you and your DH. There isn’t really anything he can do to alter her name choice.

Wow. Just checked these responses - thank you. appreciate all the different perspectives.

quite a few suggestions that my response is unhealthy. That’s fair enough. For what it’s worth, I’m not living in “a pit of despair” - I have a career and a circle of very close friends and lead an extremely fulfilling life. I don’t ‘lose’ any time to grief but I very much carry her with me. Impossible not to with my nephew and niece who are the absolute spitting image of her. They’re doing well (thank you to the kind posters who asked) but believe me, growing up without a mother leaves an enormous chasm.

as for the name - no, I don’t own it. It makes me think of her when I hear the name - obviously - but I don’t fall to the ground at coverage of the royals for example. But we went to the ends of the earth together as kids and the loyalty was off the scale for each other. I value loyalty and compassion in people. what’s the point otherwise?

it was a total curve ball - she had a gender party where the name was revealed, the baby had a name and we all referred to her in this name. It may be nearly 20 years old but actually, watching your loved one take their last breath and absolutely not wanting to leave because she was needed is something no grief counselling will ever make you accept.

they have asked questions about her in the past - I am happy and able to talk about her 🤔 - and have commented that the circumstances are terrible. I actually don’t care to portray her as a victim because she was anything but, but man alive just choose another name.

curious to know - where do you draw the line in terms of what is just overstepping the mark? Why would you want to?

OP you do have every right to be upset/angry/blown away. Some replies are batshit, but there's a lot of them on this forum.
You don't have to accept it, or eventually agree, or eventually get used to it.

This would be the beginning of the end of the relationship for me. Your husband should also be very angry with her. Has he said anything?

It should no longer matter anymore that she gets upset when you visit mil without her, it shouldn't matter anymore that she's spoilt, rude, entitled and an awful person. You no longer need to appease her & try and keep the peace.

She does get to choose her baby's name. She has made her decision and for every action there is a reaction, so show her yours. Today is the day she should learn, what she has chosen to do is something you will never forgive.

You don't matter enough, because she chose your sister's name for her child, knowing all she knew before doing so and what your sister meant. And, with that, all other contact from me would be family celebrations and a brief hello.

It will mean sometimes cancelling, avoiding, refusing and limiting your future family events.

This isn't a callous act, a childish act, or a nasty retaliation, you are showing what you find unforgiving, unforgiven. 💐

I was about to say that you were being unreasonable, until:
I was out with MIL and SIL and MIL asked if I’d use sisters name. I said I wouldn’t because I couldn’t bear to say it

It's bizarre that she'd choose a name that you said very clearly that you can't even say say. It's not the sort of thing one would forget.

This sort of thing is what shit, selfish often narcissistic people do. Different, but my narc ex forbade me from using my (dead) mother’s name for our daughter because it was the same as a family member of his he didn’t like. Basically he trampled all over any of my plans for the memory, putting his needs first. Ditto your SIL. It sucks. But also fuck her. Your mum is the main Camilla for you.

Your sister I mean! Apologies. Also I am
sorry for your loss. 💐

thank you - I found this very helpful.

DH is a good person but he bends over backwards to please them. Doesn’t want to upset the peace. Bit spineless. He often comments that I’m “easy going and well balanced” like that cancels all the bullshit out. I sometimes wonder if people think you are better equipped to handle nasty behaviour if you had shit parents yourself. I’m a grown adult now, I just want to have a nice happy, loving family environment.

She's a narcissist . End of. Absolute c.u.n.t. (Hope she's reading this!)

True, no one owns a name, but this is something you just don't do. And if you need someone to tell you that you don't do it, you're clearly a bit thick as well.

Fuck her. Try not to let it change the relationship between you and your husband, you just need to distance yourself massively. If they ask, you tell them you're especially hurt because you'd even told them you wouldn't be able to bear to use the name yourself.

honestly, what a dick!

I am so sorry that you lost your sister. I have always had a secret wish that I pass away before my sister does as I can't bear the thought of my life without her. She was recently diagnosed with a health condition and I am devastated. It sounds wonderful that you got the chance to care for your sister, so lovely that you did that. And it's beautiful to hear you talk of her so lovingly still.

I think what your SIL has done is one of the most fucked up things I have heard for a long time. So nasty. There are so many beautiful girls' names out there for her to choose from. I am angry on your behalf but all you can do now is give her a wide berth.

CarinaBee - I totally get why you are devastated by this. It's a shame your SIL can't think be more sensitive, but that doesn't sound like her strong point.