Being woken at 5am in a sexless marriage

[5ammadness]

My DH regularly falls asleep on the sofa after he's been drinking. It's not every night, or even every week, but last night was the 3rd time this week. He wakes up around 4am-5am, and then comes to bed, waking me up in the process.

I have to be up for work at 6.30am, usually 7 days a week (self employed). I have asked him not to do this. In the past he has promised to sleep in the spare room if it is past 1am, but he seems to have forgotten this.

Sometimes I can fall straight back to sleep, but sometimes I can't, and I lie awake until my alarm goes off at 6.30am. I am tired. Very tired.

Our other major problem, is that we don't have enough sex. This is his choice, not mine. The last time we had sex was in January. He knows this bothers me greatly, and would like to fix it.

However, last night, he came to bed at 515am again - and in an effort to be closer to me, he spooned me, which would be lovely, except

A) it woke me up and
B) it made me aroused as we were both naked, which meant that I was wide awake and incredibly frustrated.

Part of me was hoping that the closeness might turn him on too, but he just fell to sleep. So we are lying there, him asleep and me WIDE awake and very sexually frustrated, and I lost my cool. Can't remember exactly what I said, but I made it clear that this wasn't fair on me.

All he kept saying is "IT IS 5.30AM, I'M NOT TAKING ABOUT THIS NOW" - he repeated this about 20 times before storming off in to the spare room, where he is still asleep, and will remain so until he decides to get up, whereas I am up for work as usual.

AIBU here? I just want a normal sex life and to be able to sleep until 6.30am. I don't feel like I am asking for the moon on a stick here. I am so sad about it all.

Thanks for reading.

Is your husband an alcoholic? If he is regularly drinking until falling asleep (passing out?) on the sofa and doesn’t want to (or possibly can’t have) regular sex, then I think being woken at 5am should be at the bottom of your list of concerns tbh. It sounds a pretty awful marriage to be in. Do you think he may deal with these issues? If not, is this how you would like your life to be for the next 10/20/40 years?

Maybe time for a serious sit down chat in the daytime hours when he is awake, sober and can give full attention to a discussion.

Do you ever just have a wank next to him? Does he sleep through that? Firstly I'd decamp to the spare room to get a few days good sleep.

No, he has nights where he doesn't drink - and comes to bed at a normal time (still no sex though). No, I feel like I can't do this forever. We have had loads of day time chats about this, he always says the right thing, and et here we are in April not having been intimate since January.

There's a lot going on here.

Why is he passing out on the sofa and not coming to bed until 5am? Is that due to drinking or is he trying to avoid the issue of sex by not physically being present for it?

Your work shifts - getting up at 6.30am to work seven days a week isn't really a sustainable way of life. Maybe he's a bit resentful of your work habits and is trying to punish you in some way? Obviously that's a shit way of dealing with it but having read a lot of similar threads on here, it wouldn't surprise me.

The lack of sex - what's the rest of your relationship like? Do you argue a lot? Is the lack of sex the problem or is it just a symptom of something a lot bigger?

The marriage sounds grim tbh. He’s an alcoholic who has no interest in sex (probably because he’s pissed all the time) and doesn’t consider your needs. What are his redeeming qualities?

You don’t say whether you have kids. Do you? If not I can’t for the life of me see why you’d stay with him.

No, I wouldn't be comfortable doing that next to him. Maybe I should just move into the spare room, that feels like a definite statement though. It's not the best, as the bed has all of his holiday stuff on it, so you end up squished to one side (that could be remedied though).

Is it all a big ruse on his behalf to avoid sex due to fear of erectile disfunction?

The passing out is due to the drink. He wakes at 5am and then comes up to bed. We don't argue a lot. This is our only argument really. Everything else is great, if only we could fix this!

I’m baffled as to why you’d want to have sex with someone who clearly has so little regard for your well-being. He sounds awful.

You sleep in the spare room.

The kids are grown up and have flown the nest. He isn't their Dad.

He's funny, loyal, trustworthy, has a good job, he is a very good man all round. It's just this one problem, which at 5am probably feels much bigger than it needs to be. I feel so neglected intimacy wise, and tbh I think it's seeping in to everything now. I'm angry.

He has a drinking problem. That's the crux of the issue. He has no regard for you.

My god, open your eyes

He’s a passive aggressive alcoholic. Do you understand that alcoholics don’t have to drink every single night to be one? He passes out drunk multiple times a week. He can’t have sex because he probably can’t get hard because he is an alcoholic.

Was alcohol abused in your home growing up? You seem oblivious to how dysfunctional this all is.

Do the spare room up and get some good vibrators.

Have you talked about the lack of sex? Is it because he struggles to get it up?

Look, you've only given us a snapshot here so it's difficult to give proper advice. But to me it does sound like YABU re sex.

Sound like the poor guy is harassed constantly and can't show physical affection without the expectation of sex. He wanted to cuddle you and you got angry with him for it? Because it wasn't going further? I wouldn't want sex with you either.

If the sexes were reversed here he would be labelled a sex pest.

Maybe back off and focus on the emotional intimacy in your marriage and you might find out what's wrong and rebuild a stronger connection.

Are you Mellisa from Mafs?

Tidy the spare bed, and make it your room? Obviously not long term but would this make enough of a point to open discussion about changing his behaviour/ drinking patterns?

Yeah, it does feel like he has no regard for me, although deep down, I know he loves me.

I would like sex about 3 times a week. I've said I'll compromise to once a week. Last time he touched me was in January. And we've had 2 weekends away in hotels, where he could so easily have remedied this.

Read the article, he is not an alcoholic

What does he say when you ask why he doesn’t / can’t have sex? I wouldn’t like to be pestered all the time either.

"I would like sex about 3 times a week. I've said I'll compromise to once a week."

Imagine the Mumsnet response to this if the man had said it.

Sorry OP but he has a serious drinking problem. Falling asleep on the sofa several times a week because you’re too pissed to get to bed is not normal. This is probably a major reason why he can’t manage sex.

You have to ask yourself if his being funny etc compensates for being an alcoholic.

It does seem to have seeped into the rest of your life though. You understandably feel resentful.

Agree. What if he would like to ‘compromise’ with once a month?

Yes, my Dad is an alcoholic. My DH compared to him, is a saint. My Dad drank every night (still does at 81) and regularly smashed stuff up in the house, or verbally abused us all, or went missing, or did stupid things like sleep on the lawn. My parents had drink fuelled arguments several times a week, throughout my childhood, and actually right up until my Mum died. I should admit here, that I also drink far too much. But I manage to get myself to bed at a normal hour and run a very successful business.

Well, firstly I’m sorry because that sounds awful. I’m sorry for what you had to suffer. I promise you that you deserve better than this. You deserve a man who cares about you more than drink. Focus on your own sobriety and happiness and get him out.

Was thinking exactly the same. Or if a man had complained his wife dared to spoon him and make him frustrated.