Being woken at 5am in a sexless marriage

[5ammadness]

My DH regularly falls asleep on the sofa after he's been drinking. It's not every night, or even every week, but last night was the 3rd time this week. He wakes up around 4am-5am, and then comes to bed, waking me up in the process.

I have to be up for work at 6.30am, usually 7 days a week (self employed). I have asked him not to do this. In the past he has promised to sleep in the spare room if it is past 1am, but he seems to have forgotten this.

Sometimes I can fall straight back to sleep, but sometimes I can't, and I lie awake until my alarm goes off at 6.30am. I am tired. Very tired.

Our other major problem, is that we don't have enough sex. This is his choice, not mine. The last time we had sex was in January. He knows this bothers me greatly, and would like to fix it.

However, last night, he came to bed at 515am again - and in an effort to be closer to me, he spooned me, which would be lovely, except

A) it woke me up and
B) it made me aroused as we were both naked, which meant that I was wide awake and incredibly frustrated.

Part of me was hoping that the closeness might turn him on too, but he just fell to sleep. So we are lying there, him asleep and me WIDE awake and very sexually frustrated, and I lost my cool. Can't remember exactly what I said, but I made it clear that this wasn't fair on me.

All he kept saying is "IT IS 5.30AM, I'M NOT TAKING ABOUT THIS NOW" - he repeated this about 20 times before storming off in to the spare room, where he is still asleep, and will remain so until he decides to get up, whereas I am up for work as usual.

AIBU here? I just want a normal sex life and to be able to sleep until 6.30am. I don't feel like I am asking for the moon on a stick here. I am so sad about it all.

Thanks for reading.

Tacit sexual pressure is much of a turn off as heavy drinking. If a man came on here and said he wanted sex 3 times a week but would settle for once he would be told to go to fuck. Sleeping on the sofa may be a way of avoiding expectations of sex. But even so you’ve still go the problem of his drinking.

I think the drinking is the problem here. Does he want to get help for it ?

Hmm yeah I wouldn't like to be told I had to have sex atheist once a week. It is unusual that he isn't very interested, I think getting to the bottom of his lack of interest is the first step. Could well be alcohol related

I think you are looking at this wrong.

You do have choice. You do have autonomy.

You are choosing to stay in a marriage that hasn’t fulfilled your needs for years. That’s a choice. You are choosing this sex life, by accepting it and staying in a marriage that sounds miserable.

Your sex life can never be on your only your own terms. That also applies to your husband. If you chose to say no, then it shouldn’t happen. It’s an act that involves 2 people. You choose to say yes, whenever he wants it so you are choosing to go along with a sex life that only meets his needs. But his sex life is still dependent on you.

When you are in a relationship that’s so mismatched, one will always feel unhappy about it. But by choosing to stay, you choose to be in a situation you are unhappy with.

and it’s not just the sex you are unhappy with.

You've either not read my post properly. Or you've misunderstood.

I haven't said she needs to fix him. I've said she needs to reflect on herself to fully evaluate the situation, her contribution and what she wants to do about it.

That could be any number of options, only one of which is trying to 'fix him' which is a fools game, but is an option.

Only the op can decide what she wants to do, but she has to know herself to make that decision.

Focusing on where blame lies is pointless and destructive.

Hi OP,
my ex was an alcoholic who behaved similarly, staying up all night or passing out downstairs. Equally uninterested in sex. Addicts primary relationship or priority is the thing they’re addicted to. Its hard to admit it to yourself or accept it, but in a way it’s easier to deal with the absolute mess that is a relationship with an addict when you stop being in denial about the reality of the situation.

I noticed you said your dad was an alcoholic and that your partner isn’t as bad. I really recommend the book Women Who Love Too Much. I’d also recommend Smart Recovery Friends and Family for support from other people in relationships with addicts.

The only real power you have is to change your own behaviour/responses to your partner. Don’t waste your life hoping he will suddenly change. There’s a chance he will change if you do too, but the current set up clearly works for him and as far as he’s concerned, you’re putting up with it so you are fine too. If you want change, you need to make the change. Good luck.

Someone who drinks on a regular basis, enough to pass out is an alcoholic

Firstly it's hard to be wanting sex with someone who is out of it a lot of the time.even if you say dp is a heavy drinker,he needs to cut down .this is entirely up to him,you need to talk about this as a separate issue.if this is tackled then there may be a solution. Most men like sex ! Sound's like he's looking for answers to his problems in the bottom of a bottle and there aren't any

Where are those questions from @Werehalfwaythere ?

And when you say 'pass out' you mean 'fall asleep'?

OP was there a time when he was being intimate enough or has it always been less than you would like? Mismatched libidos as we age/go through different life phases/stress/illness etc is really common. As a PP said earlier do you communicate with each other well about it & understand why & then work around it or is it (without any judgement) but what it sounds like, you telling him you need more & him promising to step up but then failing to? In which case he’s always feeling a failure & probably always does acutely anyway. Has he always had a low sex drive & has always been happy with that? In which case he needs to be honest with you. Being in a sexless relationship is horrible however & it’s clearly eating away at you. Do you know what’s at the root of it? Obviously the alcohol won’t help. But it’s interesting he’s only spending from 5am -7.30am in bed with you which to me would feel like he’s using the alcohol to avoid the problem. It feels a lot deeper ie his issues with intimacy. Would he consider talking about things with a professional (doubtful). You both need to be honest with each other. Is he /was he ever a physical person or is this the way he’s always been?

I'm sure there are people up and down the Country, who haven't had sex since January, who are absolutely fine with that. I am not. Just because some people don't want sex, doesn't mean that I'm not allowed to crave it and miss my DH.

I was fast asleep and would have stayed that way until my 630 alarm, but no, he comes to bed, strips off, spoons me naked, has one hand on my right boob....and it's been 10 weeks since he's touched me, so I get turned on. Surely, if you fancy your DH (and I really fancy mine), that is entirely normal?

So then I'm wide awake and so hopeful that we might break the dry spell, but he just falls asleep. I almost cried.

I'm not sure it's fair to call me a sex pest?

Just looked them up, CBT.
Just plonking them in the chat feels very judgy and victim blaming. I’d use them with a client with a big preamble.
In any situation it’s easier to change your behaviour and thinking than someone else’s. Would you like some tools to look at this from a different angle?

He has a sex problem not a drink problem. He falls asleep on the sofa to avoid sex, or pressure to have sex.

He should sleep in the spare room if he goes to bed after 1am so you need to reinforce that rule. Tell him the alternative is permanent separate rooms on work nights.

Find out why he doesn't want sex. Has he always had a low drive? Like women, men can lose their drive due to age/illness/stress etc

Don't forget this bit:

"So we are lying there, him asleep and me WIDE awake and very sexually frustrated, and I lost my cool. Can't remember exactly what I said, but I made it clear that this wasn't fair on me."

Apologies for hijacking your thread @5ammadness

In my last long term relationship I went 2 years without sex because he didn't want it (later I found out he was having an affair). I was beyond frustrated with him. But I wouldn't have tried to talk about it at 5:30.
Rather than talking it through with him ask him why he doesn't want sex. Just that.
Otoh I do agree if it was a man posting he'd be the villain and told he needs to leave his wife alone.
Drinking sounds like a problem but if he sometimes goes a couple of weeks without drinking I'm not sure he's an alcoholic. Although he could be heading that way. Have you spoken about his drinking (and yours)?

My DH falls asleep on the sofa occasionally after drinking. I just wake him up when I go up to bed so we can go to bed together.

OP look you really need to give him an ultimatum of marriage/sex counselling, or else it's over. It's all on his terms. You're not getting your needs met. If he truly loved you he'd care enough about your feelings to make an effort. Your marriage is untenable unless you give him a serious ultimatum and make sure he knows you're serious and what is at stake. This time is make or break. He needs to know that.

If a man had said this, mumsnet would be up in arms.

Would we be advising serious ultimatums if the OP were a man? I think not.

i appreciate there are bigger issues but purely on the 5am wake up point, I would absolutely refuse to let him
go bec to sleep if he did that to me despite agreeing not to. Every time he came in at 5am I would put the light on and not let him go back to sleep. It sounds like you’re awake anyway so you won’t be worse off! I’d put money on him going to the spare room in future. Like I say, I know there are bigger issues but I don’t see how you’re going to think clearly about them if you’re permanently knackered

Firstly what does it matter? Ultimatums are given in marriage all the time. That's how marriages either work out, or go their separate ways. Secondly, yes, we absolutely would.

Have you considered psychosexual counselling? Has he told you what he’s problem is - no sex drive, doesn’t fancy you…what is it?

Perhaps he’s drinking to avoid having sex?

At the end of the day you are not sexually compatible. He is not sexually driven. You need to decide if everything else in the marriage is worth enough to stay knowing you aren’t going to change him.

And I’m speaking from experience here. My DH made all the right noises but essentially isn’t interested in sex. We are still together but I wish I’d been sensible and brave enough to leave years ago.

Mine prioritises alcohol too.