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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who invites one half of a couple to a wedding??

550 replies

username98765 · 31/03/2023 09:51

Please tell me if I am being unreasonable. My dp of 9 years has received a wedding invite today just addressed to him! The bride and groom I have known for years. The groom used to go out with my cousin but it ended with him cheating on her. That's the only reason I can think of not to be invited. I would never imagine inviting one part of a couple to a wedding! Haven't had chance to speak with my dp as he has already left for work when I'd seen it.

OP posts:
Lenax · 31/03/2023 12:26

Before arranging my own wedding I would have found this rude, after arranging my own wedding and realising the many expensive decisions which have to be made, the majority of which have nothing to do with the marriage itself, I would completely understand there could be many reasons behind it & wouldn't mind at all

DotAndCarryOne2 · 31/03/2023 12:26

Mypatioisminging · 31/03/2023 10:02

Watch our everyone, loads a money has arrived 😂

Show quote history

I don’t think it’s that at all. If finances won’t stretch to partners, then you have to be more selective in who you invite and be prepared to tell people that you can’t afford to invite everyone. I think it’s rude to invite one half of a couple when you know both of them.

Curseofthenation · 31/03/2023 12:27

@BellePeppa I think it's selfish when a bride and groom only think about the fact they want to invite as many people that they know as possible without thinking of their comfort. The guests are supposed to be people that you care about. I got married in 2018, and I wouldn't have dreamed of inviting people without their partners. The only exception was work colleagues. I invited uni friends and friends from hobbies with partners too. It's just my opinion.

Terven · 31/03/2023 12:28

YANBU It’s rude. If you’re not married that may be a reason for some people. However, in your case it doesn’t sound like it and you have to put it down to people who have no manners. I would expect my other half to decline the invitation.

Shemovesshemoves21 · 31/03/2023 12:29

Na, that's just rude. You've done the right thing talking to your DP and saying not to mention anything. I wouldn't be investing my time with the newlyweds after this either!

starfishmummy · 31/03/2023 12:31

VivaLesTartes · 31/03/2023 12:08

Put it like this; If you have a group of 4 friends who are all in couples and you have 4 spaces left at your wedding, (assuming you don't have an extra £50ph to spend on extras) you can either invite 2 of them and say they can bring plus ones and snub 2 of your friends in the process or invite all 4 people that you want on your wedding day and leave off their plus ones.

That said I would 100% say " I'm sorry we can't include partners due to capacity/budget restraints" when Inviting them.

But to me that's the wrong way round. Our wedding was about the people we wanted to celebrate with us. So we thought about the number of people - including partners - that we wanted to ask and then found a venue that was affordable for that number of people.

We made cuts elsewhere. Did people feel short changed because they weren't sitting on a chair draped in fabric matching my dress or that the cake didn't have 10 tiers all of different favours?

Well no one complained and I know everyone enjoyed themselves rather than sitting miserably by themselves because their partner wasnt invited and they didn't know any of the other guests.

lucya66 · 31/03/2023 12:33

With the price of things it’s normal / reasonable these Days.

when it can be £200 a head, you have to make cuts somewhere.

my partner got invited to a wedding as best man and I did not. I did get an invite to the evening do and it was a bit of a pain with travelling out twice, but I did it.

their wedding their money their choice. :)

Lostoldusername · 31/03/2023 12:34

I was invited to a wedding where the Groom was my sisters ex! So I can't imagine the connection you're talking about would be a reason? If you know them well and often see each other as couples then yes, very odd you aren't invited.

saraclara · 31/03/2023 12:35

but it made sense, there were groups of us from school/uni all seated together without partners, catching up and would have bored the pants off partners.

Exactly! It seems bizarre to me to invite the partners of a group of people you knew long ago. How tedious for them, and it would hamper the whole catching up conversations in the group of friends. And that's without considering the money spent on people you don't even know (and which, numbers-wise, would also mean not inviting some people that you DO know and like)

I can't think of a single situation outside family, where I'd be offended if only my DH/partner was invited if they were primarily his friends.

EmmaDilemma5 · 31/03/2023 12:37

YANBU.

It would be different if they didn't know you. Or if they invited a big group of old uni friends and wanted to keep it just mates.

But it sounds like you know them pretty well, so I find it a bit tacky to be honest. As if they think your partner will still want to go, knowing you actively haven't been invited.

Do you think your partner will still want to go?

Mirabai · 31/03/2023 12:42

As you both know them and you’ve known them the longest and have been together so long it’s super rude.

If you had been together a year and didn’t know them it would be fine.

I think if you’d put in your OP that you’d known them longer than your DP the response would be different. It’s a direct snub in that context.

Mirabai · 31/03/2023 12:43

saraclara · 31/03/2023 12:35

but it made sense, there were groups of us from school/uni all seated together without partners, catching up and would have bored the pants off partners.

Exactly! It seems bizarre to me to invite the partners of a group of people you knew long ago. How tedious for them, and it would hamper the whole catching up conversations in the group of friends. And that's without considering the money spent on people you don't even know (and which, numbers-wise, would also mean not inviting some people that you DO know and like)

I can't think of a single situation outside family, where I'd be offended if only my DH/partner was invited if they were primarily his friends.

They’re not primarily DP’s friends - OP’s know them longest.

Are you saying that if someone old friends of yours who became friendly with your DP then invited him but not you to a wedding you wouldn’t be peeved?

Tessisme · 31/03/2023 12:43

I think it's odd to invite one half of a couple, especially a couple of long standing. If it was a work colleague's wedding or a friend from school not seen in years, fair enough, but if there is regular contact then I find it a bit rude. You don't have to be 'joined at the hip' as a couple to think that. Such a ridiculous argument. People can have separate jobs, separate hobbies, separate friends (ie very much not joined at hip) and still feel it's a bit unusual not to be treated as a couple for someone's wedding. Ultimately it's up to the happy couple and all that, but there's nothing wrong with wondering.

Pseudonamed · 31/03/2023 12:44

A save the date came here with only one of our names on recently.

Neither of us are going. It is horrible to invite one half of a couple and I despair every time I read people say you are not glued together. If I want to share in the happiness of the joining of one couple I sure as shit want to share the happiness with the person that makes me happy too.

JudgeRudy · 31/03/2023 12:45

Just curious. I'm seeing lots of replies here saying part of the reason they'd expect n invite for their OH is that weddings are expensive and often involve travel and hotels. They don't want to invest in the wedding and be 'on their own' travelling, at the wedding or in a hotel. I can relate to that but my question is why would this only apply to partnered people? Surely a single person, or someone 5 dates into a relationship would have exactly the same challenges. Why does a partnered person expect favourable treatment over a single one?

ImSweetEnoughDarlin · 31/03/2023 12:46

Funny how this is their wedding, their choice, but its another story when its a kids bday party and they don't want to invite the nasty fucker bully.

FellOnMyArseToDay · 31/03/2023 12:46

Op. Could it be that the bride is going to send you an invite and

do you really actually want to go ?

PinkTonic · 31/03/2023 12:47

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/03/2023 11:14

This!

some people on here really don’t get this though

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Yes they do. Having a table of work or old university friends who may or may not be single and whose partners are not your friends is fine. They will know each other and enjoy the catch up potentially. Inviting just one of a couple of friends or relatives who you know equally well is rude. Nothing whatsoever to do with the couple being joined at the hip. People should organise weddings they can afford to finance without imposing rude and arbitrary restrictions in my view but of course these days it’s less about a young couple starting their life together with the support of their dear friends and family and more about a flashy photo opportunity.

C8H10N4O2 · 31/03/2023 12:49

In general - very poor manners.

As for being told what to wear, do you mean dress codes or being told to wear a specific colour/pattern? The former is ok, the latter is poor manners.

AllTheDifference · 31/03/2023 12:51

starfishmummy · 31/03/2023 12:31

But to me that's the wrong way round. Our wedding was about the people we wanted to celebrate with us. So we thought about the number of people - including partners - that we wanted to ask and then found a venue that was affordable for that number of people.

We made cuts elsewhere. Did people feel short changed because they weren't sitting on a chair draped in fabric matching my dress or that the cake didn't have 10 tiers all of different favours?

Well no one complained and I know everyone enjoyed themselves rather than sitting miserably by themselves because their partner wasnt invited and they didn't know any of the other guests.

Show quote history

Yes this was us. We compromised on venue and minor details to make sure that nobody would be alone on the day. Single friends were allowed to bring anyone else along, friend, mum, colleague, anyone!

ImSweetEnoughDarlin · 31/03/2023 12:51

username98765 · 31/03/2023 10:58

I have spoken with him and he isn't happy. But then I don't want to go if not wanted. He is going on the stag do. The wedding is the beginning of May so I'm thinking it was a late invite anyway.

Show quote history

I'd cut them out. You've known them longer and they invite your DP, and as a B or C list invite at that. They are not your friends. Drop them out - AND DON'T SEND A PRESENT or even a card. Fuck them.

Saracen · 31/03/2023 12:58

Personally, I think it's a weird rule of thumb that longterm partners must always be invited to a wedding along with the desired guest. (Traditionally only actual legal spouses, but that has changed.) However, I accept that it is the done thing. Going against that custom does risk giving offence.

Original poster
username98765 · 31/03/2023 12:58

@ImSweetEnoughDarlin I will 100% not be seeing a card or gift! If it was me I wouldn't go without dp but it's his choice what he does 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
zingally · 31/03/2023 12:59

The guest list has to stop somewhere.

Yes, it's a bit of a slap in the face, but it's the way it is. But this is also the time to dial back the intensity of the friendship, whatever level it currently is.

SVRT19674 · 31/03/2023 12:59

If both of us knew them, I would think it odd. I invited couples, it is weird not to. But if it were for someone I knew from work or some hobby, or my husband for that, I would not think it weird but would decline. I hate smalltalk with people I don´t know, or only know the bride and groom.

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