To be struggling to accept my new life

[Dreamegg]

I used to have a great life. I've studied and lived/worked abroad, travelled, had great friends. A successful career. I love being outdoors, cycling, hiking etc and I used to be out doing things all the time. Then I lost my job. I had to leave my lovely apartment and had to take a job back in London.

I've been back for 5 years now. I'm 36. For 3 years I've been living in a tiny, grotty flat with my partner next to a busy, loud and polluted main road, which has brought my childhood asthma back. I spend 20+ hours a day in my bedroom (I work remotely 4/5 days a week). I never get space or time to myself - my partner is always at home too. I can't afford to move. In fact I can't afford anything these days. I can't afford to retrain, and don't have the energy. I have no hobbies anymore - I can't do the things I enjoy here (eg. I can't have a bike as i have no space to store it). I'm constantly having to pick up side jobs to pay for unexpected bills or expenses. I have no friends. I'll never have kids.

Life is meant to progress and get better, but I feel like mine is going the opposite way and I'm struggling to accept it. Any advice?

She is in the commuter belt and works in London.

No reference to your relationship whatsoever

loving? Supportive ? Fun? See a future together? Did he move back with you?

I'll be losing roughly £20-30k of my salary

would indicate you’re on a rather comfortable salary yourself

Why did you lose your job?

Do one thing that will make you happy. London friend stores hers on the wall and her partners on a vertical stand thing.

OP this may be totally wrong, but are you unhappy with your partner? When I was with my ex I went through phases of focusing on different aspects of life to be unhappy about - work/career, where we lived, my weight and appearance, life trajectory in general - because it felt too scary to address the real problem, which was that I was unhappy and unfulfilled in my relationship. I gave up a lot of dreams in my twenties to 'settle down' and be with my ex and because of the whole 'sunk costs' thing I clung into the relationship for years longer than I should have.

You are still young and you can make changes and live a life that is more fulfilling and authentic - but you are the one that has to do it. Really think about what it is that is stopping you and imagine what it would be like to just move that barrier.

Can you move in with your mum until you get back on your feet?
You can help her with her MS and have some money to get back into training?
The rental market is a chaotic environment you have to make sure you find a good landlord on top of the high rent that they all ask for.

I always find those numbers staggering.

Many people on this site manage a home and family life actually ON £20 -£30k a year.

For me if someone would LOSE even £20k from their salary , it must mean they earning at least three times that.

Put it this way, 2 people renting a two bed terrace for with a nice back garden at about £750-800 in a nice northern town would only need to pull in £40k per annum to have a decent life.

Practically speaking, and taking the posters head space at the moment out of this , I don't see how they are ' trapped' at all?.

I'm in the SE too OP, maybe I could make some suggestions re. locations etc? With some idea of where you live currently, where your mum is and what your job is maybe there could be a way out of this rut for you, but we need a bit more detail in order to help?

I also WFH. Developers are currently building over our only bit of countryside within walking distance and my 20 daily walk (a recent thing I make myself do because I feel unhealthy physically and mentally) is often me breathing in car exhaust and trying to avoid dog shit on the pavement, so I feel your pain. Being stuck in front of a screen indoors all day every day is really, really bad for your state of mind and your body. Do you have any local parks?

Right??? RTFT before commenting FFS.

If you'd be losing 20-30k of your salary you must be on 50k or so at least?

How are you struggling so bad?

Another poster gave some good suggestions you dismissed. Going for a walk is free. You can definitely afford to move from the sounds of it - if you're on 50k and your partner has a wage too.

It sounds like you're looking for problems and making them up rather than trying solutions.

This is one, confusing, frustrating drip feed

OP with some idea of where DM lives and where you and DP need to travel into London some of us may have some ideas

OP, you are clearly having a tough time and it doesn't sound like a great living situation. However, it does not have to be indefinite. Your living situation can be improved but you will have to compromise on something.

You can move a bit further out and get cheaper rent and more space. Your train fair may go up but as you say, you are at home and in room most of the time so that is the area you need to prioritize. A bit more on the train fare and a slightly longer commute is the compromise.

I can understand you want to stay close to your mum, but prioritising this is a choice you have made. As is not being willing to make a salary sacrifice to live north. A lot of 30 somethings living in London are in the exact same position. It is not unique to you. I know lots of people who left London so they could afford to buy or at least have more affordable rent and every single one had to take a salary cut. You either have the choice to take a salary cut and have lower cost of living, more affordable houses or to stay where you are.

I do wish you well and hope you find a solution to your situation.

You’ve posted several times before about how miserable your living situation makes you. If your partner and the flat you hate are inseparable then you have to ditch the partner.

I'm constantly having to pick up side jobs to pay for unexpected bills or expenses.

bollox you do if moving up north means you will “lose £20k-£30k”

Can you apply for better jobs? Unless your industry has disappeared due to societal changes, it doesn't really make sense that you had a great career but suddenly there's no career future for you.

I know you want to be near your mum, but don't rule out moving, a different area can make a big difference.

I think you need to start taking steps out of this rut. Exercising, networking, looking at job and flat alternatives. Your life is not over at 36.

Ah sorry seen your update, must have you confused with another poster

Rent a Boris bike or a Boris scooter

How far is your nearest park, river for exercise, nature ?

Skateboard or roller skates

I'm happy with my partner in the sense that we get on really well, we're BFs, he's gentle, kind and caring and we have a good time. However, it's true I'm growing frustrated with our situation. If I make the tough decision that there's more to life and leave, I'll be going straight back into a shitty houseshare with strangers, which would be 10x worse than my current situation. That's the uncomfortable reality.

Yes the most obvious question and point which many will be asking! Things are hard right now you sound like you’re in a bit of a tunnel which then includes a lack of movement. Light at the end always. Is gf also fed up? Are they the reason you’re not making movements?

I'm always baffled by these threads.

WFH but won't possibly consider moving somewhere cheaper (and probably nicer) because you'll lose £20k of income - which suggests you're on a very healthy income.

JUST MOVE!

It's really THAT SIMPLE.

Some of you lot are so unsympathetic.Sometimes peoples options are limited due to the system we live in so telling people just move is tricky.I will say to the poster tho that she could get a loan to freeze her eggs if she is worried or hell she could adopt many of the waiting kids or foster at some point but I do get it that people want their own kids too. I just sometimes think that all this focus on wants and progress is actually unrealistic in end stage capitalism.How do youy define progress?marriage, kids a nice house, holidays?Well we are heading to climate disaster because of all the things we think are progress and torment ourselves for not having.
I would say to the poster to do a brainstorm of what her problems, what needs to change, what she wants.But she will need to include her partner's role as well.(This wfh has consequences on our health-my physio is going to be working til 80 cos of all the ergonomic suicide going on with tech use)If she wants to post it free here I will pass it on to someone who may give her a fresh perspective or ideas and think out of the box.This person enjoys giving out her ideas and they are often when they are not to do with herself or her family pretty good.Just a thought.

a free life coach who would actually enjoy this as a break from wfh too,

He sound nice OP, so that's a plus :-) What's his opinion on the situation? Is he open to moving elsewhere, or making changes in general?