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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be struggling to accept my new life

466 replies

Dreamegg · 31/03/2023 07:38

I used to have a great life. I've studied and lived/worked abroad, travelled, had great friends. A successful career. I love being outdoors, cycling, hiking etc and I used to be out doing things all the time. Then I lost my job. I had to leave my lovely apartment and had to take a job back in London.

I've been back for 5 years now. I'm 36. For 3 years I've been living in a tiny, grotty flat with my partner next to a busy, loud and polluted main road, which has brought my childhood asthma back. I spend 20+ hours a day in my bedroom (I work remotely 4/5 days a week). I never get space or time to myself - my partner is always at home too. I can't afford to move. In fact I can't afford anything these days. I can't afford to retrain, and don't have the energy. I have no hobbies anymore - I can't do the things I enjoy here (eg. I can't have a bike as i have no space to store it). I'm constantly having to pick up side jobs to pay for unexpected bills or expenses. I have no friends. I'll never have kids.

Life is meant to progress and get better, but I feel like mine is going the opposite way and I'm struggling to accept it. Any advice?

OP posts:
SweetSakura · 31/03/2023 11:01

Ineedaduvetday · 31/03/2023 10:57

Me too

I imagine there are a lot of people with similar struggles though, it's hardly unique

reddwarfgeek · 31/03/2023 11:03

Sorry OP, it sounds like you are stuck in a rut. Like others have said, if I had no kids and worked remotely and wasn't happy with where I lived I'd be off. I know it's easy to say from the outside. But you can literally go anywhere.
It sounds like you want to stay in the south to be close to your mum. What about Bath, Stevenage or somewhere like Bromley?
You don't sound happy with your partner either. Are you?
Without ties of a mortgage and children it's easier to split. You can do it. You can change your life.

Bloopsie · 31/03/2023 11:11

As for your mum, you will be still living in the same country? I have lived 3000miles away from my parents since i turned 18, nearly 20 years now- just like
millions of other people who have moved for whatever reason to another country.

Cherryblossoms85 · 31/03/2023 11:12

I don't know which cities you've looked at but Milton Keynes is good for commuting. It's £43 return in the train each day or you can get the flex monthly if you're only going in 2 days that works out a bit cheaper. Not sure about rental prices but there are also local jobs.

UniversalMamma · 31/03/2023 11:15

TheToothofaPig · 31/03/2023 08:30

I have had this feeling of being totally stuck and helpless due circumstances that felt insurmountable several times in my life. Each time what helped me move on and find a better living environment and or job was to just do one little thing to get the ball rolling. This might just be picking up the phone to an estate agent to talk about renting your flat out (just an enquiry, not necessarily a decision to do so) or seeing a job that looks promising elsewhere and emailing or picking up the phone to find out a bit more about it (not necessarily putting in an full application at this stage). Or going to visit potential places to live and chatting a bit to locals in cafes. Often visiting other places then opens your eyes to places you didn't know about nearby etc. I don't know how (my partner calls it the 'Universe Effect') but just doing small things can get the ball rolling and a whole sequence of events can then start to follow which gets you out of your current situation. Like a snowball. But you have to take those first baby steps and you have to have hope that good things will follow. It does need action.

There are lots of nicer sounding places within commuting distance of London that could work for you OP. I wish you all the best.

Agree with this. Just find one small thing to do. When you feel trapped, the idea of making big changes can feel impossible and overwhelming and you can get stuck in a loop that seems to bring you back to the same dead end every time you try and think of solutions. Especially when you feel isolated and disheartened.

Don’t put yourself under pressure to change everything at once OP. As the PP says, just do something small you’ll enjoy. I recognise that experience of introducing something small but new and it breaking the deadlock just a crack and giving a little bit of momentum and morale to try other changes when you’re in a bit of a rut. Sometimes you just need a breath of fresh air in your spirit!

Have you looked into OurParks sessions? There might be one at your local park – it’s a free regular workout session once a week. I’ve started going to the one near me (also being quite sick of being stuck in the house wfh with my partner 🙄😆), have really enjoyed the outdoor exercise, spending time with nice people (but in a very easy, low-pressure kind of environment – and with no obligation to chat if you don’t want to!)

Meetup can also be really good for just going along and chatting to people and getting a change of scene and conversation from your usual routine. Again, it’s the sort of thing you could go to once and then never see them again if you didn’t fancy it, so very low pressure and low stakes way to test the waters.

It’s all very well posters saying ‘well you just need to do x, y and z, why haven’t you done it yet’, but if you feel miserable and crap, it’s so much easier said than done. If you’re feeling buoyant anything can feel possible, whereas when you feel dejected and demoralised even the simplest things can feel really hard work. Sometimes it can also take many tries to get going in a new direction – like giving up smoking or leaving a relationship you’re not happy in, people tend to rehearse and consider the problem and make several attempts before taking decisive action. Posting on MN or whatever can invite that bit of extra outside push to shake you out of the sense of intertia. Especially when you’re feeling isolated and stuck.

Also definitely go and speak to your GP and explore if you may be feeling depressed. Isolation is so tough on your wellbeing and I think a lot of people have found this since the pandemic and wfh have shrunk lots of people’s worlds.

You had a life you loved before and you can have it again, I promise you! Go easy on yourself, and before putting yourself under pressure to change all these big things explore things that lift your spirits a bit.

Justanothercatlady · 31/03/2023 11:18

It’s hard to ‘see the way out’ when you’re stuck in the middle of it all! It sounds like you would benefit from having someone to talk your options through - does your company offer any coaching or mentoring for work options? It sounds like you also need to address the loss of your old life (independent lovely life abroad and your mum’s health) - maybe counselling- again, does your business have mental health aiders or employee assistance scheme that you could access? You will be able to change but just need some help focusing on steps forward!

PegasusReturns · 31/03/2023 11:19

Rent a cheaper flat in a place that you love.

yes the difference will be eaten up in train fares BUT you will be living somewhere non-grotty close to the amenities that you love.

UniversalMamma · 31/03/2023 11:20

Justanothercatlady · 31/03/2023 11:18

It’s hard to ‘see the way out’ when you’re stuck in the middle of it all! It sounds like you would benefit from having someone to talk your options through - does your company offer any coaching or mentoring for work options? It sounds like you also need to address the loss of your old life (independent lovely life abroad and your mum’s health) - maybe counselling- again, does your business have mental health aiders or employee assistance scheme that you could access? You will be able to change but just need some help focusing on steps forward!

Yes exactly - I think OP needs some moral support and a morale boost. Taking everything through with someone could be really beneficial.

UniversalMamma · 31/03/2023 11:21

*talking!

UniversalMamma · 31/03/2023 11:24

Sighhhhh · 31/03/2023 10:24

So apparently you’ve started multiple threads asking for advice on the same issue. You’ve ignored people’s advice but then started another thread and had the cheek to ask “any advice?” Sorry you’re going through what you’re going through but stop wasting people’s time.

You’re wasting your own time, why answer if you’re no longer interested in the OP’s questions.

Hardly takes much imagination to consider that the OP might be struggling and (particularly as she describes being very isolated at present) and looking for moral support.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/03/2023 11:26

@Dreamegg do you say you can't have children because you CAN'T, because he WON'T or because of money?

Telling you to move is easy but it's also the only answer.

You work 7 hours a day. Sleep 7 hours a night. Why are you in your bedroom 20 hours a day? How many days are you working?

You're in commuter belt, so fun-wise what's outwards? How much is in to London if you pre book and go off peak? So much to do in London.

Is your relationship making you happy or do you just need his rent?

If you leave, or don't, is it possible to move in with your Mom short term?

Would posting your incomings and outgoing on here help for advice?

What is your partners perspective on this?

Find a new hobby. Even if you're not sure about it, try it out. Better than sat in your bedroom bored.

But if YOU don't change, nothing will. This latitude will drag you down until you can't change.

Queenofscones · 31/03/2023 11:29

There's a huge black hole here, and that's information about your partner, OP. Is he working and earning or are you supporting someone who spends his days gaming and smoking weed? What's going on?

Until we know the whole picture no amount of kindly-intended morale boosting is going to do any good.

TeenLifeMum · 31/03/2023 11:39

Spending so much time at home, I’d aim to move to somewhere that makes you smile. Look for a new job and take a cut if housing will be cheaper. Life is too short to be miserable for too long.

Muminarut · 31/03/2023 11:44

Hi, I totally empathise with feeling stuck. I feel stuck career wise since having my daughter and am unsure when we'd be able to afford for me to retrain and still live comfortably. I stopped teaching as its not family friendly (I know it sounds crazy with the hours but it wasn't) and now I don't know how to get back without doing supply, and I'm not sure I want to go back with the stressfulness of it. But I do know I want to feel like I have a career again, and I don't want my daughter to think you have to give up on a career to have kids. I also want to earn more so I can go part time and we are still financially comfortable.

Can I ask what type of salary you are on? I'm just wondering as you said you'd lose 20-30k off your salary which I really can't see happening, especially as for alot of your job you work remotely. It is a lot cheaper the further you move out of the London commuter belt and it sounds as though green space and the ability to enjoy your hobbies would vastly improve your life and enjoyment. It might just give you the space to think and enjoy life again, and decide on a plan for how you'll retrain. I don't think you need to come to terms with your new life, I think you need to make a change.

I think it's easy to get defeatist and I know I can feel like that but in the end noone but us can change it, we can get annoyed at people with easier circumstances but nobody but us can change our lives so we just have to do it. I'm going to have to do courses at night to try to find a way to get back to having a career, I'm going to have to be the one to make myself more active etc. It's the same for you unfortunately, we can post on things like this but we are ultimately the only ones who can change our lives which is really annoying as I'd very much like someone to just come and tell me the answer and whisk me into a satisfying career that is family friendly, makes enough money so I can work part time and be with my daughter more without any stressy bits or uncomfortable growth and do all the retraining bit for me so we never had to take a hit in income while I retrained. I'd also like someone else to do the diet and exercise for me too but sadly nobody can.

Just think in a year you could be in a totally different job, in a totally different place enjoying your hobbies etc. You can do it, and you can start to really enjoy your life again. Wishing you all the luck in the world.

SeeWhatYouGetWhenYouAskAStupidQuestion · 31/03/2023 11:44

DustyLee123 · 31/03/2023 07:42

Can you move up north as you work remotely ? It’s cheaper.

this

Albiboba · 31/03/2023 11:45

Are you the poster who regularly complains about the flat you live in, the city you live in etc but have all sorts of illogical reasons as to why you can’t do anything about it?

Mari9999 · 31/03/2023 11:46

@TitterYeeNot
What level of security should the OP be bringing to the hypothetical new partner that she is seeking? What if the available new partners are seeking women who bring " more security " to the relationship?

Why not suggest to the OP that she enhance her life by training or education to move to a more lucrative field?

704703hey · 31/03/2023 11:48

It sounds like you feel compressed.

There's no impetus to deal with it all at once, it comes across as you need to relax a bit before you can think about it properly.

So one step at a time.

Sammyandtheboocas · 31/03/2023 11:48

The answer is fairly obvious - Move.

You have no commitments, you see this as a bad thing but not being a home owner and not having children means you do anything anywhere.

The money you earn is arbitrary and pointless if you haven't anything left to enjoy or save.

You may earn a lot less doing something entirely different in a small northern seaside town for example, but you will have the fresh air and space. It is also not a myth that people tend to friendlier and more community based, so you will meet new people through having more opportunities to socialise and enjoy hobbies

You have the ability to improve your quality of life, sometimes if you are feeling exhausted and defeated it isn't clear to see, but from the pure fact that you haven't any obvious ties, you can get yourself out of this slump.

Mochinated · 31/03/2023 11:51

What kind of work do you do? I find it really hard to think of any job that can't be done out of London and out of the UK.

Is the problem your DP? Are they happy while you're miserable? How about taking out a few credit cards and getting a working holiday visa? Work shitty jobs to pay your way but apply for your career while there.

DP can come with or end the relationship.

No point being unhappy, you're not literally trapped it's all in your head.

Anotherturnipforthebooks · 31/03/2023 11:54

Op, you've asked for advice but haven't answered the questions you're being asked so people can actually give you solid advice.

Raindropsonuebells · 31/03/2023 11:57

OP life does go up and down - mine took a down in my early 30s due to redundancy - it got better again though .. keep your eyes open for new opportunities and don’t be afraid to change things

2bazookas · 31/03/2023 11:58

You're employable; why not get another job somewhere else.

Lottie3665 · 31/03/2023 12:11

One of the benefits of living in London is there is lots going on. I agree with everyone else's comments that maybe leaving would be a good idea for you, but in the short term perhaps see if there is anything going on nearby that you could try.
For example, MoreYoga have studios all over London and they're pretty cheap: https://www.moreyoga.co.uk/prices/. They do a 10 day £10 trial.
I find when I'm feeling a bit low that just wondering around the V&A or the National Gallery can lift my spirits a bit.
I'm not suggesting these things will fix your situation, but they might make it a tiny bit more bearable while you figure out the bigger things.

PRICES

https://www.moreyoga.co.uk/prices?gclid=Cj0KCQjwiZqhBhCJARIsACHHEH_htobhVxdKxseZ576Oco14nJo4i_Kfi1ZGXOvHEkg3cLV6c0TV7ZwaAqrTEALw_wcB

IAmInMeHoop · 31/03/2023 12:13

Lottie3665 · 31/03/2023 12:11

One of the benefits of living in London is there is lots going on. I agree with everyone else's comments that maybe leaving would be a good idea for you, but in the short term perhaps see if there is anything going on nearby that you could try.
For example, MoreYoga have studios all over London and they're pretty cheap: https://www.moreyoga.co.uk/prices/. They do a 10 day £10 trial.
I find when I'm feeling a bit low that just wondering around the V&A or the National Gallery can lift my spirits a bit.
I'm not suggesting these things will fix your situation, but they might make it a tiny bit more bearable while you figure out the bigger things.

That might be useful if OP LIVED IN LONDON. Which she does not.