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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be struggling to accept my new life

466 replies

Dreamegg · 31/03/2023 07:38

I used to have a great life. I've studied and lived/worked abroad, travelled, had great friends. A successful career. I love being outdoors, cycling, hiking etc and I used to be out doing things all the time. Then I lost my job. I had to leave my lovely apartment and had to take a job back in London.

I've been back for 5 years now. I'm 36. For 3 years I've been living in a tiny, grotty flat with my partner next to a busy, loud and polluted main road, which has brought my childhood asthma back. I spend 20+ hours a day in my bedroom (I work remotely 4/5 days a week). I never get space or time to myself - my partner is always at home too. I can't afford to move. In fact I can't afford anything these days. I can't afford to retrain, and don't have the energy. I have no hobbies anymore - I can't do the things I enjoy here (eg. I can't have a bike as i have no space to store it). I'm constantly having to pick up side jobs to pay for unexpected bills or expenses. I have no friends. I'll never have kids.

Life is meant to progress and get better, but I feel like mine is going the opposite way and I'm struggling to accept it. Any advice?

OP posts:
Villssev · 31/03/2023 12:58

dorriss · 31/03/2023 12:57

Some of you lot are so unsympathetic.Sometimes peoples options are limited due to the system we live in so telling people just move is tricky.I will say to the poster tho that she could get a loan to freeze her eggs if she is worried or hell she could adopt many of the waiting kids or foster at some point but I do get it that people want their own kids too. I just sometimes think that all this focus on wants and progress is actually unrealistic in end stage capitalism.How do youy define progress?marriage, kids a nice house, holidays?Well we are heading to climate disaster because of all the things we think are progress and torment ourselves for not having.
I would say to the poster to do a brainstorm of what her problems, what needs to change, what she wants.But she will need to include her partner's role as well.(This wfh has consequences on our health-my physio is going to be working til 80 cos of all the ergonomic suicide going on with tech use)If she wants to post it free here I will pass it on to someone who may give her a fresh perspective or ideas and think out of the box.This person enjoys giving out her ideas and they are often when they are not to do with herself or her family pretty good.Just a thought.

goodness! We even touched on the climate in that one!!

dorriss · 31/03/2023 13:00

dream egg. give us all the info if you want help or mressage me but if you think the norms will help they wont.all the best

MMMarmite · 31/03/2023 13:00

Villssev · 31/03/2023 12:58

goodness! We even touched on the climate in that one!!

Show quote history

Why "goodness"? It's a defining feaure of our times, it's not unreasonable to mention it.

mustgetoffmn · 31/03/2023 13:00

Dreamegg · 31/03/2023 08:13

I'm guessing you're a comfortable home owner with no financial restraints.

Show quote history

Hmmm. You come onto a social media site and ask for advice then snarl back at someone taking the trouble to do this. Possibly a clue to your predicament?

Villssev · 31/03/2023 13:02

mustgetoffmn · 31/03/2023 13:00

Hmmm. You come onto a social media site and ask for advice then snarl back at someone taking the trouble to do this. Possibly a clue to your predicament?

Show quote history

Well we got an idea of her “predicament” when she said that moving up north would mean her income “dropping by £20k to £30k”

uncomfortablydumb53 · 31/03/2023 13:02

Currently you're stuck in a sense of inertia and lack motivation to change even a small thing
If you feel that is due to low mood, then please see your GP
You and DP need to be on the same page if you want to stay together
One small step would be to work from a coffee shop/ library wherever
Make the most of what you have now. Get out for walks/ river trips/ join a gym
You can get a wall rack for a cycle, maybe put in a hallway or even bedroom wall
Brainstorm on paper and pen, what you want your life to look like and then the steps you need to get there
Then, take a leap of faith and JFDI!
You're 36 Make the best of it

Mumwomansisterdaughter · 31/03/2023 13:07

I know it’s now more limited due to brexit but why not get a job abroad again ? We switched the big city for Scotland. If I need to head down it’s one hour in the plane and cheaper that a train from Birmingham to london . Now I’m back being outdoors , I have hobbies , lots of room and no neighbours , the beach the mountains and my asthma has gone , people are nice abd taje gone to speak with us . Was it hard to take this leap of faith ? Yes very , but so rewarding !

ZorbaTheHoarder · 31/03/2023 13:10

I think that you are stuck in a rut, OP, but I think it is a rut created more by your mindset than by your circumstances.

If you are not completely broke, then you have options, but you don't seem able or willing to see any of them at the moment.

I think that you sound depressed about lots of aspects of your life. Consider finding a good therapist to talk things through with. You might find, after a while, that you can get rid of the block that is stopping you from moving on in life.

Good luck!

VainAbigail · 31/03/2023 13:14

MarieRoseMarie · 31/03/2023 07:55

She can’t leave London because he can’t sell the flat because of a cladding issue right? She posts every few months and ignores all advice, even from legal and housing experts. Then goes away and posts again.

She doesn’t want to change or any advice.

The op says she’s never posted before but it’s defo her again.

TeaForMeandThee · 31/03/2023 13:15

I don't understand why you are living in London, in what sounds like a horrible tiny flat by a busy road if you work remotely? Just move somewhere else, you'll get far more for your money and you won't be in a busy, polluted environment, in fact you could move to the countryside. Am I missing something why you don't just do this rather than mope how sad life is?

If something is going wrong or I don't like something I find ways to change/fix it. Given you do work so are earning I'm sure you can work something out.

BurntOutGirl · 31/03/2023 13:16

What happened to your friends?

pixie5121 · 31/03/2023 13:25

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

TheMatriarchy · 31/03/2023 13:31

If you move out to the SE coast your rent will drop dramatically and you will get more space and lots of nice outdoor things to do on your doorstep. Your partner sounds like they are 100% remote, so the only thing stopping this is the possibility you might need to go in 3x/week. So start looking for something that is 100% remote or 1/2 days in office max. There are so many jobs out there at the moment, it is a candidates market. So start applying and interviewing, it wont be easy at first but you will get better at it. You can change your life, but only you can do it.

Newmum0322 · 31/03/2023 13:32

Can you not look for another job like the one you used to have so you can move back to where you used to live?
Also, we work in London about 2 times a week, it’s about an hour commute but only £30 a day return and the house prices/rental rates are very affordable. Much much cheaper than London and nice green open spaces.
if you say you’d have to take a 20-30k drop to work out of London then you must have a reasonably well paid role so a nice rental apartment outside of London, even with the few hundred it would cost in fairs, is surely possible?

There are always options. Is it possible you’re a little depressed and in a rut?

beAsensible1 · 31/03/2023 13:35

OP move into london, it will make your life easier first of all zone 4/5 are still decent prices.

keep an eye out for decent places within budget, get a commuter bike or electric one to cut out tube costs if that works for you. set a simple goal acc month to get to where you want to be.

changing your life is difficult and much easier said than done, but you absolutely can get there!

ClaireEclair · 31/03/2023 13:37

There are some boroughs in London that are actually not as expensive as the rest. SE London for example. Plenty of green parks and forests. Only issue is that there’s no tube station but there are plenty of trains (not as reliable as the tube though). If it’s near the commuter town you are currently in it might be worth your while. Where are you currently?

Dixiechickonhols · 31/03/2023 13:39

VainAbigail · 31/03/2023 13:14

The op says she’s never posted before but it’s defo her again.

Show quote history

I thought that. The time is exactly the same.

ReneBumsWombats · 31/03/2023 13:43

Oh, it's the same person as before? I seem to recall that one was stuck because she owned her flat but couldn't sell it.

astuz · 31/03/2023 13:51

You're focussing on money instead of what you can do with that money. I live a very comfortable life in the midlands. DH and I could both more than double our salary if we moved nearer to London. A loads higher salary might look good on paper, BUT all that extra money is pointless because we wouldn't be able to afford the lifestyle we have here & we wouldn't be happy, so having more money misses the point. Money is just a means to an end to buy happiness. If happiness to you is living in/near countryside, then there are parts of the country where you can live near countryside very cheaply, so just take the pay cut and do it - you don't actually need that extra money - in fact it's actively making you unhappy.

And don't focus on trendy/expensive rural places like Cornwall, look at places near, say Stoke or Doncaster (& lots of other places like this), where housing stock is relatively cheap, but they're not far from lovely countryside.

With the issue of your mother, living near her clearly isn't making you happy, so why not try moving further away, and try it out, see if you can make it work. I'm sure your mother would feel awful if she read what you've written here, and she felt that she was the cause of your unhappiness.

Also, reframe it all as 'trying it out' - so say to yourself, "I fancy a bit of an adventure, I'm going to move somewhere cheaper and more rural for 6 months".

GrinAndVomit · 31/03/2023 13:56

Is this a thread for you to just vent and wallow a little bit? Are you wanting more replies along the lines of “Yeah life is shit at the moment but I’m hoping it will be better soon”?
I think that’s perfectly fine if that’s what you feel you need to do at the moment.
I just think you should let people know before they waste their time trying to give you practical advice.

RemoteControlDoobry · 31/03/2023 13:56

Thing is, she’s going to post again because she’s stuck. This may sound silly but can you get out into nature at all? Because all my best ideas arrive when I’m on solitary walks in nature. Or maybe you could meditate and that might work.

You can change your life though op and I’d make it an absolute priority to get away from that main road. Because if your health becomes worse you really will be stuck. I’m on a main road too and I’ve been stuck for three years but I’m finally on the move in three weeks! I think we underestimate the stress that all the noise and pollution causes.

Do you drive? My way out of an absolutely impossible situation would be van life but I suppose most people wouldn’t want to do that. You sound like the sort of active person who could make that work and you could be where you needed to be to meet your obligations. Basically, you don’t have a life right now so you need to do something drastic. Sometimes we change when we’re forced into an even more difficult situation and we’re left with no choice. For you that could be your asthma getting worse. But you don’t have to wait - you don’t need an excuse.

MMMarmite · 31/03/2023 13:57

I agree with @astuz . The benefit of renting (and having a reasonable income, which it sounds like you do) is that it is simpler to up sticks and try somewhere else for a year - no house to try and sell, just give notice.

Pipsquiggle · 31/03/2023 13:57

I do find these sorts of threads frustrating.

OP - Moans about her situation
MN - tell us more about your situation, we can help you better
OP - Moans but tells us nothing more
MN - we can't help you more if you don't tell us a few details
OP - Moans .......................
MN - meh

Jusmakingit · 31/03/2023 13:57

Dont ask for advice and shut down every person who has given you advice. Boils me when people post for advice and are rude to people offering advice.

Your full of excuses not to change or try something to help your situation , you either want to change things or you dont. Saying you cant retrain etc, cant move , cant do this or that. Maybe you need to figure out what you can do or willing to do.

TeenLifeMum · 31/03/2023 13:59

I can’t grasp your refusal to move and change location even if it’s still in commuting distance from London, there’s lots of options. The fast train to London from Folkestone could get you near the coast and it’s cheaper to live there.

by renting you have more flexibility than someone who owns and would need to be in a chain selling and buying. Go for it and find a happy place!