To be struggling to accept my new life

[Dreamegg]

I used to have a great life. I've studied and lived/worked abroad, travelled, had great friends. A successful career. I love being outdoors, cycling, hiking etc and I used to be out doing things all the time. Then I lost my job. I had to leave my lovely apartment and had to take a job back in London.

I've been back for 5 years now. I'm 36. For 3 years I've been living in a tiny, grotty flat with my partner next to a busy, loud and polluted main road, which has brought my childhood asthma back. I spend 20+ hours a day in my bedroom (I work remotely 4/5 days a week). I never get space or time to myself - my partner is always at home too. I can't afford to move. In fact I can't afford anything these days. I can't afford to retrain, and don't have the energy. I have no hobbies anymore - I can't do the things I enjoy here (eg. I can't have a bike as i have no space to store it). I'm constantly having to pick up side jobs to pay for unexpected bills or expenses. I have no friends. I'll never have kids.

Life is meant to progress and get better, but I feel like mine is going the opposite way and I'm struggling to accept it. Any advice?

I may stand accused of being simplistic and stupid here but surely it's easier to move if you rent a place as opposed to owning / paying a mortgage on it?

Oops. I thought OP had said she did live in London. Sorry.

So apparently you’ve started multiple threads asking for advice on the same issue. You’ve ignored people’s advice but then started another thread and had the cheek to ask “any advice?” Sorry you’re going through what you’re going through but stop wasting people’s time.

When you say successful career in your op what has changed?

What do you do?

Can I ask how / why your in your bedroom for 20+ hours every day?? This will hugely impact your mood and how you feel like your stuck in a rut. I home work too and don't spend anywhere near 20 hours in the same room every day...
Maybe get out of the flat a bit more often, go for walks, work from a friends or a coffee shop. Change your environment

If you love being outdoors then move to an area where you can do that.

@Dreamegg - please can you answer some questions so we can actually give you some practical advice:

Where is your London office?
Where does your mum live? How often do you visit her?
Would your mum be willing to relocate?
Which sector do you work in & approx wage?
Where did you live before that you loved (or a town like it if you don't want to say it)

You've had your moan - people have placated you. Let's move this on so we can offer constrictive advice.

Well she works in London and lives close enough to commute so it isn’t a ridiculous assumption.

Well, you can't carry on as you are. Could you try looking for commutes up to 2.5 hours out of London? That could open up Norwich and Salisbury and Bury St Edmunds and Margate and a ton of places. Just look at the map for the station you'd he heading into and for the moment start daydreaming about living somewhere better. Having some hope is a start. Maybe work will go up to 3 days a week in office, but maybe it won't.

*constructive advice not constrictive 😂

So let me get this straight, you must be earning £50+k if you say that moving somewhere cheaper would involve a pay-cut of £20-30k. You live with a partner. Is that partner working and contributing? If not, why not? So there are two of you living in a grotty flat in London's commuter belt, zone 3 or 4, say. Rent for a grotty flat on a main road — £1,500? But you alone will be clearing £3,000 after tax and NI and pension contribution. Which would be tight if you were living alone, but you're sharing costs with your partner, so your housing costs (rent, council tax, water, fuel) are unlikely to be much over £1,000pm. Leaving you £2k / £500 a week to spend. Okay, there's food and there's transport into work, but you could still put £500 into savings each month and enjoy spending the rest.

Why not make the most of central London? On the days that you are scheduled to go into work stay on and enjoy the city. Have a meal: go to a Tate Late for free https://www.tate.org.uk/whats-on/tate-modern/tate-modern-lates
Go and see a film or go to the theatre or an art gallery or join a guided walk to learn more about the city or play sport or go for a run around one of the parks or join a social group that meets in the city. The choice is almost endless.

The other option is to look for a better job. People on here are always talking about learning to code and all the better-paid options that can lead to. If you want to live rurally but earn serious money then you need a plan.

We have council owned bike hangers on the street that you can pay annually for space in.

They're heavy and clunky but there's lots of pay per use public bikes around in the mean time.

I'd take yourself out for a walk either before work/ lunchtime or straight after as a transitional activity. It's not going to be a glorious hike but London does have a lot of little (and not so little) pockets of green space to enjoy. Time in nature is so good for your brain. Having something to break up work and your own time is very beneficial when wfh.

Start with small changes. It's easy to get into a rut but working remotely and child free means you're in a reasonable position to move towards the right changes for you.
If you're looking to relocate away from the city be sure to check out internet speeds first. Good luck

Rent out your flat or do whatever you need to do to get out of London. That old quote about "Tired of London…" is a load of crap! When I knew I was leaving I had such a spring in my step for the final month. That was almost 25 years ago.

Where more specifically does your mum live OP? How much are you currently paying in rent?

Perhaps we could suggest cheaper areas that would suit your lifestyle better. You need to change something.

And one day a week in the office doesn't mean you need to live in London. My friend does a commute once a week from Newcastle!

Love both @TheEverdelightfulsamantha and @Dancemonkee advice. I wish Mumsnet had a "like" button so that these positive posts could be highlighted.

OP - I too left a city and country that I loved to return to the UK, also because of redundancy. It was a shock, and I certainly wasn't ready to leave. It's hard, and I feel for you. I spent a long time feeling bitter. But I have come to realise that I can be bitter and unhappy all my life because of this set back, or I can pick myself up and start living again (that's the one I chose to do). Either way, I'm the only one affected - the company that made me redundant and the country that wouldn't keep without a visa don't care - in being unhappy we are only affecting ourselves. It IS tough - I feel for you - and I agree with others who have suggested that it sounds like you're depressed. Get medication , sign up for CBT, attend therapy - whichever one works for you. The only person that can change this is you. You're allowed to be shocked and depressed that your life isn't where you expected it to (I certainly was), but we have to look forward to, and start creating, a new life. It may even turn out to be a better one. One step at a time.

OP "Moving 'up north' is not that much cheaper considering I'll be losing roughly £20-30k of my salary if I take a job based elsewhere,"
If that amount is a "loss", it sounds like you earn well. So I'm wondering why you can't afford somewhere better, and what the unexpected bills are?

How exactly did you lose your job and why couldn't you get a similar one where you were before? I'm not having a go or anything. I'm trying to get a fuller picture of what's going on and what your constraints are.

You're renting, so it's much easier to up sticks if the job is the issue. You may earn less elsewhere but if costs are lower, that could still amount to a gain in real terms. Especially in terms of housing and clean air for your health.

I swear I have seen this post before...well over a year ago. 😯

I don't have any advice but I wish you all the best.

Best thing I and my family did was move half the length of the UK to the highlands for a new job which was a 60% pay cut. Transformative in quality of life, amazing place to bring up kids, fabulous community (still with the bumps and lumps any community has) and just the right thing to do.

I now can walk out my front door with a bike, boots or even canoe and access adventures and greenspace with wonderful friends. I have the money to do so as my home is so much cheaper (even after a split and having to move/buy on my own).

You only live once.
Fight for what you want.

Me too

There is no reason for you to be trapped in this life. Stop being so passive. Stop wasting your life.