To be struggling to accept my new life

[Dreamegg]

I used to have a great life. I've studied and lived/worked abroad, travelled, had great friends. A successful career. I love being outdoors, cycling, hiking etc and I used to be out doing things all the time. Then I lost my job. I had to leave my lovely apartment and had to take a job back in London.

I've been back for 5 years now. I'm 36. For 3 years I've been living in a tiny, grotty flat with my partner next to a busy, loud and polluted main road, which has brought my childhood asthma back. I spend 20+ hours a day in my bedroom (I work remotely 4/5 days a week). I never get space or time to myself - my partner is always at home too. I can't afford to move. In fact I can't afford anything these days. I can't afford to retrain, and don't have the energy. I have no hobbies anymore - I can't do the things I enjoy here (eg. I can't have a bike as i have no space to store it). I'm constantly having to pick up side jobs to pay for unexpected bills or expenses. I have no friends. I'll never have kids.

Life is meant to progress and get better, but I feel like mine is going the opposite way and I'm struggling to accept it. Any advice?

This is interesting. OP had positioned herself as not being a homeowner, but apparently she is living with a homeowner and trapped by his inability to sell his property.

Perhaps, OP, you need to go and create a new life for yourself somewhere that'll suit you better and he can join you when his situation is sorted out?

The OP has much more serious issues than her housing situation I suspect. And would benefit from mental health support

If it is same poster the boyfriend she lives with didn’t want to do or go anywhere. I can see how you could end up really dragged down if the only other person you are interacting with is like that.
They hadn’t been together long.
If you work for a large organisation apply to move offices or a sabbatical.
Or apply for new role. If it’s less money so what? You only have 1 life.
You aren’t married, no kids, don’t own a house, wfh in main - look at these as positives.

I think I need to understand the math a bit.
OP says up to £30k salary drop if she leaves London job.
National Minimum wage FT job is £10.42/hour, which turns into about £20k/year.

So OP must be earning at least £50k/year.
Do you have bit student debts & other debts, OP? What are they for?

MN is very good, if you are brave... post your monthly expenses broken into categories and ask for help in saving money. The responses might help give you margin to more easily cover the unexpected expenses, or move to a nicer flat.

Yep, my thoughts exactly.

It'll likely end with a huff about how unpleasant and unsupportive everyone is.

Why shitty house share? If you are on London money you can live somewhere nice. Go as a lodger somewhere - en-suite bathroom, just 2 adults.
Choose somewhere with access to countryside walks, bike tracks.
I’m in Lancashire in an area that regularly comes top in best quality of life. Train to London is 2 hours 10 mins. One of my colleagues who lives locally has recently moved to a London based mainly wfh role.

Also a house share you cab probably pick something with a much more suitable space for working from home -ie big bedroom with space for good desk, overlooking a nice garden/park etc.

Ooh I want that Walthamstow flat now...

That flat is right on the edge of an estate that wouldn't lift the OP's mood. For the same money she could get something in Highams Park literally steps from Epping Forest, which has paths right out of London.

Is that extra 20-30k to live in the commuter belt in London in a grotty flat worth it? I've never earned a huge wage but I manage with 2 kids to pay for, however I moved for a better quality of life. It might be worth seeing a careers advisor or a life coach and work out what you actually want from life - there is a great term for it 'rust out' rather than burn out - maybe google it for some inspiration. And yes it's very scary to make changes, at one point I had accrued £5k worth of debt on credit cards for choosing to move into my own flat & not living in a house share and go on holiday that year - but it was manageable debt that I consolidated and paid off once I could, but it meant I was able then create the life I wanted & still do the things I wanted.

I would also recommend reading some books or watching some Ted talks on mindset - our mindset can shape how we create our environment.

this is great advice

Honestly OP when I saw your thread title I thought you had been permanently disabled and were struggling to come to terms with it.

You’re 36, healthy, you earn well. You wfh mostly which yes can be lonely but is also very flexible. Honestly the world is your oyster. Yes some options may not be open to you or trickier than you’d like - like living abroad - or you may have to choose, say, between living with your partner vs living somewhere you prefer. But you have lots of options.

Get off MN and make a plan.

I’m always baffled by posts like this.

If the OP could solve it by moving, she’d move. Clearly in her current work situation, she can’t. It really is that simple.

@Dreamegg can you say a bit about what your skill set is, broadly what field you work in, and what you think you need to earn to improve things?

There doesn't seem to be any reason in her posts that she can't move.

You posted before and ignore advice.
And then reappear and repeat.

I think biggest issues are asthma, which will make you physically ill, and working from home 4/5 with your partner in the tiny place. It's suffocating. Could you work in the office?

I think some people just want a moan and to be validated. They don't want answers and solutions. That's completely fine.

If it were me I'd be figuring out how to get back to the previous points of happiness. Scrimp like mad for a few months and save as much as possible, live with a parent or friend for a reduced amount (if possible) for a few weeks or a month and then I'd be moving somewhere else whether that's out of the south or to a new country. Get a credit card, give yourself a 'new start' limit e.g. 5k and just get on with it.

I have a new work colleague that was recently in your position. She has left the UK (she got a bank loan to be able to afford to move!).

Getting a side job to pay unexpected bills is no way to live.
The UK is massively failing it’s citizens and they should leave. The politicians certainly look after themselves, citizens (or should I say subjects) should just emigrate.

I would also recommend reading some books or watching some Ted talks on mindset - our mindset can shape how we create our environment.

why would the Op do that when she can start multiple threads under different names about the same issue. That is clearly her approach

Bless you. As you don't have kids, I'd actually do anything to get out of this situation. I'd take a house share in a completely random rural town and get a job stacking shelves in Tesco over the life you're living. Imagine the freedom, to live and be outdoors again.

I'm similar to you OP in that going outdoors is absolutely essential for my wellbeing. It's what keeps me sane and happy. I'd then see what I could build up again over time.

Absolutely fuck being miserable and working for no gain and no joy.

The other option would be to reframe your life, as perspective means a lot. If you work from home can you spend 1 or 2 days a week working in a cafe or library instead of your home? Are there areas around you that you can scoot or cycle to that are enjoyable? What are you doing at the weekend?

Are you going to the gym or exercising? Why do you have no energy? Do you love your partner and do you spend time together? There's literally so many things you could change.

Get out of London. One of my kids is in Sheffield, lovely city with fantastic train links.

I think the first thing to do is try to let go of the notion that life is a progression where things have to get consistently better and better. Life is about ups and downs, sometimes more of a spiral than one linear movement.

The notion of constant progression and being ahead or behind at certain life stages is perpetuated by advertising and marketing teams to encourage buying, spending, competing with each other which leads to more buying and spending.

You sound as though you are exhausted and feeling ground down by life at the moment and it's very hard to see a way out, let alone have the energy for it.

Also, you mentioned your Mum having MS - I'm sure the worry about that is also affecting your emotional energy.

When I've felt like this I find the answer is in small, consistent steps. Pick a couple of areas - or just one to start with - and every day do something small to make it a little better.

The way this works is not only do you start to make actual changes, your brain gets a little dopamine hit every time you complete a goal no matter how tiny. (It's why gaming is so addictive)

So for you I'd start with:

Your asthma: every day take one action which improves your health in this area. Extra dust cleaning, researching a good air filter for your bedroom, replacing old pillows, meditation with breath training etc, push for the latest treatments at your doctors. I have asthma and when you can't breathe properly everything feels so much harder.

Making the flat less grotty on the inside: You can't change your location right now so do things to make the inside space more of an oasis so that your body and brain feel nurtured while you are inside. Declutter, decorate, find the colours and textures which soothe you etc. Move all the furniture around to get a 'new' feeling.

Committing to at least 30 minutes outside time in the daylight once a day.

Also as money is tight but you still need stuff to look forward to, see if there are places you could do as day trips or weekend trips where you could rent a bike and do the activity you love.

Take the pressure off yourself about not having everything you thought you'd have right now - make some small consistent steps forward. When you feel your mindset start to shift and you can feel a little more confident and positive about the future then is the time to sit down with your partner and get him on board to work as a team towards something better. Again, one small step at a time.

I'd love to live in London! There's free outdoor pools in hampstead heath. Bikes dotted about that you can swipe and rent. Free entry museum's and art galleries. The most amazing food.