To be struggling to accept my new life

[Dreamegg]

I used to have a great life. I've studied and lived/worked abroad, travelled, had great friends. A successful career. I love being outdoors, cycling, hiking etc and I used to be out doing things all the time. Then I lost my job. I had to leave my lovely apartment and had to take a job back in London.

I've been back for 5 years now. I'm 36. For 3 years I've been living in a tiny, grotty flat with my partner next to a busy, loud and polluted main road, which has brought my childhood asthma back. I spend 20+ hours a day in my bedroom (I work remotely 4/5 days a week). I never get space or time to myself - my partner is always at home too. I can't afford to move. In fact I can't afford anything these days. I can't afford to retrain, and don't have the energy. I have no hobbies anymore - I can't do the things I enjoy here (eg. I can't have a bike as i have no space to store it). I'm constantly having to pick up side jobs to pay for unexpected bills or expenses. I have no friends. I'll never have kids.

Life is meant to progress and get better, but I feel like mine is going the opposite way and I'm struggling to accept it. Any advice?

Unfortunately I have suspected for a while that OP is a troll - she regularly posts this story in different guises (cladding issues, partner won't move, neighbours are a nightmare etc), drip feeds and refuses to even consider any of the brilliant suggestions that brilliant MNers consistently give her.

I really struggle to understand what kind of kick people like this get out of doing this.

I'd save your suggestions - if they haven't been made already in this thread, they've definitely been made by others in one of the many, many posts OP has created in the past!!

OP you absolutely have posted before - this is word for word your last post.

If you don’t want any of the advice being offered then at least be honest and say you just want to vent or wallow.

But the longer you stay in vent or wallow mode the harder it’s going to be to leave.

You seem to lack any perspective on how you can change your life - if moving means a salary drop of £20-30k then it sounds like you are actually earning a decent wage. Where is that money going?

Why are you in your bedroom 20
hours a day? You could work from the library or a coffee shop.

Folding bikes are cheap and easy to store. There are bike rental hubs popping up all over especially commuter belt areas.

If moving means train fares offset a saving in rent you are still not worse off.

If you have not been bothered to make even the slightest change since your last post - even down to posting the same thing - then you are probably in need of a GP visit or MH support.

If your default mode in life is to be a professional victim & moaner when you actually have more options than most people to improve your life, then nothing is going to change and you’ll be repeating this every year til an outside event forces you to change.

Can you go to office more often? You are saying it will soon be 3 days/week which suggests it's not mandatory to wfh.

Otherwise you need to work from a library or cafe or a communal workspace.

OP won't be coming back to this thread, but will no doubt be starting a new one, word for word, in a few months and we'll all be here again, offering the same advice and words of encouragement to no avail. Such a waste of everyone's time.

I’ve pasted below a link to a thread from last year that a few other posters have mentioned is a similar circumstance to yours. I’ve not re-read it but there might be some useful advice in it for you as well to supplement the advice you’ve had on this thread. I hope things improve for you soon

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4501094-To-be-absolutely-sick-of-DPs-flat?flipped=1

Currently I have to be in my office 1 day a week, sometimes 2. It may become 2 or 3 days compulsory soon. If I move much further out I may get slightly cheaper rent but will be paying £60/70+ each time in train fares. So swings and roundabouts.

Op, I currently live about an hour out of London on Essex / Suffolk border. I go into London 1 day a week and it costs me about £40 a time. So not as much as you think and considerable savings on London rent. Appreciate it might be less doable if working in London 3 days a week.

It is weird because it's the most mundane thing EVER to troll about if so. Maybe OP really does need to listen to the advice people have offered to improve their life.

If your idea of a hobby is making up boring sad stories on mumsnet then I would still recommend counselling.

Isn't it more likely that there are simply lots of people in a very similar boat?

If you read the thread, there are a number of us who recognise this OP.

If it is someone different, it would help if they can answer some questions.

Why can't they afford to move on a around £50k salary plus partner earning something, if they see renting.

Why needing to work extra side jobs for unexpected bills (and what are they if renting? Bar say a car I suppose)

Make an escape London plan if you’re not happy, move somewhere that you can easily commute from. You could move somewhere that is cheaper and has more opportunities to do the outdoorsy things you love.
Your post comes across quite down/low perhaps you are just stuck in a rut? You are in the fortunate position that you already work from home 4-5 days a week, so you won’t even need to change job.

I'm in a slightly different situation but with some similarities. The wonderful life I thought I was going to lead based on early academic success never came to be due to my health issues and disability and it's been difficult watching my peers achieve all sorts of things that I knew I was capable of but would never achieve due to factors beyond my control. My life has always been quite limited as a result and I've been lucky to have had support from family but I'd say the key to some sort of happiness is relationships and a sense of purpose. I haven't RTFT but I think getting some friends back in your life is key. It doesn't sound like you've lost them but rather that they're just not in your life anymore due to situational factors but could that be changed? If you're low on money could you reconnect with those you were closest to over zoom or the phone or have some of them over for some cheap food and maybe a bottle of wine if you drink? And then just work on keeping them in your life. My friends make the world of difference to me even if I don't see many of them all that often due to life circumstances. How much would it cost to get out on your bike once every few weeks? I'm guessing you might have to travel to get to an area you want to cycle in but could you afford to do that once in a while? I always wanted to travel and haven't done much recently due to my health but I sometimes watch Youtube videos of walking tours round beautiful towns in villages in other parts of the world. It's not the full experience the real thing would give you but it does give you a sense of life elsewhere and it makes me happy. Previous generations would never have had this as an opportunity at all and I try to see myself as lucky to be able to experience little Italian mountain villages in a way my ancestors never would, even if I never go there.

What is your salary?

Because if it would REDUCE by 20-30k then that means you're on at least 60k I'd guess? And childless?

You have no financial constraints, what you have is a bunch of entitlement and unmet expectation alongside an unwillingness to compromise.

My guess is you grew up well off, remained well off and now don't even know that you're still well off.

Go to the library!!! Why are you not changing your life. Move!!!! You are not happy and you have very limited choices in this situation. You don’t want to be renting when your 60 do you?

Only you can make a change. Have you considered therapy. You could talk through your thoughts and feelings. You don’t sound happy. If your outer London you could move slightly further out and have what you need on offer. Maybe consider visiting some areas as a starting point. As others have suggested Essex/Suffolk/Norfolk would be a good place to look with a longer commute but your wfh days and weekends would be worth it.

By 12 pages in, posters must surely realise that OP doesn't really want 'advice' even though she asked for it.

She just wants to vent and wallow. That's where she is right now.

When she is willing to take on constructive advice she will give us more information so we can actually help her.

OP - I was where you are now about 15 years ago. I will let you know what I did when you are ready to take it onboard.

Hope you get out of this rut because it sounds shit

As a mother I’d far rather my children were further away and happy that near me and miserable. I think you sound a bit depressed and it’s stopping you taking control of your situation. You need to get active and meet people as a priority. You need to force yourself out, it might be hard at first. Maybe a visit to the GP too.
I live up north (far up north) and it is cheaper, friendlier, cleaner and the standard of living is so much higher.

If I were you. I’d make a list of places that have train stations nearby that would me back into London in under two hours.

I would pick them move to the one I liked the best and would meet my requirements.

You have to be in London once a week anyway so you could combine it with a weekly overnight stay with your mum.

This. Someone upthread posted a link to a very similar thread and in that one I and several others were saying 'you've talked about this before', so that's at least three threads with very similar stories, or three posters with coincidentally very similar problems of being a pair of reasonably well paid DINKYs who can apparently only afford a tiny 1 bed flat in a crap area that they both have to WTH from with no spare money to move anywhere more spacious or to be able to anything nice, no matter how modest.

Being 'trapped by the cladding scandal' is a real problem for homeowners wanting to sell, but it doesn't fully explain all the issues that the OP claims to have, or prevent her from taking some constructive steps to alleviate some of them.

Being 'trapped by the cladding scandal' is a real problem for homeowners wanting to sell, but it doesn't fully explain all the issues that the OP claims to have

For this thread she has abandoned that narrative and is renting, so the cladding isn't even an issue.

It's so odd. I have so many biker friends in London and nearby, and DS is a biker too. They hang their bikes on the wall. Compared to so many world cities, London has incredible green spaces. But I get the feeling OP likes the way she is, blaming everybody but herself for the unfairness of life.

You’ll never progress in London in this climate. Have you thought about finding a job abroad? The Middle East is excellent with foreign expats. Much high standards of life too.

Also other European countries eg Portugal, nicer weather, much lower expenses (average salaries there £500 a month). If you can take your remote work there, you can probably even purchase a property by the sea.

It sounds like you are possibly still reeling from the loss of your job, if that was the only turning point between your former, happier life and now? Has everything always gone smoothly until now?

Your problems are surmountable, they just don't seem it right now because of the headspace you are in. And I say that as someone who has been in grim situations, and now looks back and sees all the steps I could have taken towards a better life, but just couldn't see at the time. When it seems like there is no way out, no hope, it's possible you are depressed. You could see the GP about that.

Enacting a complete overhaul of your life may seem unmanageable right now i.e. moving house, retraining, getting a new job. That's fair enough. My advice is to take on one small thing that will make your life more pleasant on a day to day basis, and focus on that alone. Could be making sure you have a walk at lunchtime (get away from that road!)
, or making a corner of your home look nice. Declutter a small area. Buy a £1 bunch of daffodils and enjoy the hell out of them. You say you used to have great friends? Did they all die?! Arrange a phone call with one of them. Hire a bike for 1 hour. Arrange your old photos of happier times and curate an album (even a digital one). If you have old pics of friends, do this and share with them.

But just do one of those things, do not attempt to do all. I'm not saying that alone will solve everything, but it sounds like you need to get back in touch with your agency. You've done lots in your life, and you can again.