What to do about Nanny

[Dilemma19]

Hi all, just looking for advice. We are a household of 5, 2 primary aged children and 10month old.
We have employed a housekeeper, nanny to assist us on a FT basis. I have some recent health issues with flare ups and struggled to keep up with home and kids. I'm a sahm, dh works and travels alot but is very hands on. The problem is the person has such a bad, awful attitude. She is perfectly fine until you need to ask her to do something your way or correct her about something and then the atmosphere at home is just awful. Another issue is that she is meant to help with my little one but she makes me feel under pressure to do what I need quickly and take the baby back. The problem is that it has taken forever to find someone and I'm really stuck without the additional help. It came to a bit of a head yesterday and I've been thinking about this and quite upset. Her contract states that we can request babysitting with notice. The last 3 times I asked her she couldn't do it. So yesterday I asked her again for next weekend and she firmly told me that she is never able because she has another job. So I brought up that, this was something that we were specific about and she has now changed the terms. Dh is away so that's why I asked her and yet again she isn't available. She spoke to me so so rudely, very arrogant as well. What would you do or how would you approach this?

@Kanaloa she doesn't need 40 hours a week though. She's paying for that because she can't find anyone part time. She just needs school drop off and pick-up plus a few hours after school without sole charge given she's at home. That's very much what au pairs do. An au pair and a cleaner would be a much better set-up as she really doesn't need full time help.

This is not okay, contact the agency, tell them it isn't working and you need an emergency cover in the interim and refuse to give her a reference. You can't have somebody in your home who is passive aggressive with the children because you dared ask her to do her sodding job! I nannied for years me would never have acted like that.

I love how people keep suggesting an Au Pair, given how hard they are to get these days 🤣

£4?! OP I'm a qualified Children’s professional with a title and I get a fraction of that pay! I'm in London if you're looking for someone new!!! I'm also a mum and so get it! in the meantime, get rid of this rude and entitled woman.

Plus I think part of the issue is that op also isn’t following the contract. She didn’t want babysitting - she wanted the nanny to work an extra hour per day. Saying you have the right to request babysitting does not mean you have the right to demand your nanny works over their contracted hours when it suits you. This was overtime, not babysitting.

I see no-one's asked why you decided to have another DC when your health issues are so debilitating? I'm not being mean at all, I just think perhaps it's been too much having your 3rd child. Life sounds tough. Did your 3rd DC cause the issues?

OP wants somebody to have sole charge of three kids, including a baby, plus be available to work over those hours any time she feels unwell. OP is also not able to really assist and can’t conceive of being able to even do the school run. An aupair really isn’t suitable in this particular situation.

I just don’t understand these posts where people have absolutely terrible nannies or housekeepers in London and out up with it. The agency you use is obviously shit. Find another one. There are LOADS of good nannies out there. What agency have you used? What area do you live? Roughly, like south west, south east etc

This exactly.

Sorry I should have been clearer to not create this confusion about nanny as her role is housekeeper and mothers help. She doesn't do any childcare stuff - meal prep, bathing kids, etc. I really just need her to entertain the baby and make her sleep sometimes when I'm not well. The baby is FF too, and I do all feeds. That is all she needs to do. However there isn't ever time because I have no idea what she does. I promise it's not as easy as just finding someone else. If I could, I would have done this a long time ago. I have spoken to the agency yesterday and they are going to address this with her. Today was really awkward at home. Her salary is normal for this part.
Dh has been very supportive in that I'm able to be a sahm to manage my Illness, and to get all this additional help. He is in a field that requires travel.

Out of interest op what is your illness?

We had someone like this. Only 15 hours a week but £11 an hour. She was a godsend. I found her on gum tree! I did interview a couple of other very strange people (one told me my 6 week old needed porridge!) so you have to be picky.

I really think you need to advertise and start interviewing.

What do you mean you have ‘no idea what she does?’ So you’re in the house with the baby all day, she is also in the house. How is it that you can’t possibly discover what she is doing at any point? Just find her and say ‘what are you doing? Here’s the baby.’

Would you be better off employing two people? A cleaner x hours a week and a nanny who just looks after the children? She does not sound a suitable person to be caring for your children.

This could easily be resolved by having set times when she helps care for the baby and set times when she cleans.

In all honesty, if you keep having the same issues with nannies then you need to take a step back and look at what you are doing.

Ive been a nanny and I have employed nannies.
It isn't that hard to recruit and retain a good nanny if you are clear on your expectations and don't micromanage. You say you aren't micromanaging so you need to be clearer on what needs doing and when.

Checking your paying £4k/month? That does feel like a good salary for 40 hours, I can’t believe you can’t find someone good. I would definitely let her go, you could get agency cleaning help every day for 3-4 hours and get what you’re getting currently. You could also get meal delivery.

I’m not UK but nanny salaries are very high here and you’re paying only a little less than our nanny was earning.

I agree - especially with the expectation.that she should be available at weekends.

I employed a nanny and she didn't do any housework. I employed a cleaner for that.

There was no expectation my nanny would babysit - if she was available, she did and was paid extra for it.

1. I had a nanny to help me with my then babies (single SAHM). I know that nannies in general hate working with a mother (as in alongside a mother), they prefer to be left on their own. So you have to find a nanny who really doesn't mind working with you.
2. I hired nannies twice. I went through an agency. The agency ones were rubbish - and these were fancy agencies. They sent me peoples whose references they hadn't checked one Nikes 100 pounds from me on our trial, neber oroued the references and when I checked myself using Facebook she seemed to be taking a lot of drugs at raves. They also sent me a born again Christian who thought the children born of intentional single mothers would be cursed (jolly) .
3. The best way to find a nanny is through gumtree (worked brilliant for me two times) and through word of mouth with other mums.
4. i agree with the person who says divide up jobs. When my kid were two I didn't need a nanny so much so instead I paid for a cleaner to come in twice a week and then I paid for someone (lovely, from gumtree) to come twice a week for six hours a time so I could do driving lessons. Both nannies were a delight to be around, and I am still friends with them.
5. sack your nanny. She's not worth it!
6. good luck

Just let her go and find someone who will actually be helpful and nice.
Give her notice, you can pay her notice and ask her to go immideatly I think.

Really? When your thread includes the word "nanny"?

Is that back pedalling because posters have told you nannies don't do housework?

If she isn’t the right fit then focus on finding a replacement and give her notice.

You might have more luck via an agency

It's not a quick solution but I do think with a chronic health condition, your husband needs to look at his job role and being away from home. It's never easy, but where there's chronic health issues and children, the other partner does need to be more available. My husband has a chronic health condition and I am always able to do the drop and collection from school wraparound. I don't do it every day as when he's well he does 50%, but I can do it at a push.

In the meantime, a quick look on childcare.co.uk throws up loads of mother's help type folk in my area (not London) but I imagine there's similar in most cities. There's pages and pages of them, ex nursery staff and teachers, mums with older kids.

I would also find a separate babysitter via an agency (you can use ones where you can request the same 2 or 3 people). It puts less pressure on your mother's help to stay late when you're unwell which they might not be able to unless you contract them for the longer hours.

I'd also get a cleaner for at least the kitchen and bathroom(s). Leaves your mother's help to do simple cleaning jobs not being half way through scrubbing the bathroom when you need baby help.

Ultimately you could end up with three or more people giving you support, that over time, might prove to be people you could ask for extra paid help in an emergency.

I think they arise because posters don't understand the difference between a nanny, a housekeeper, a cleaner and a general dogsbody.

The OP started off talking about problems with the "nanny/ housekeeper" but oh,no that's not right. It's not really a nanny.

I've never btw come across anyone who hired a combined nanny/ housekeeper.

I should add, that we don't have local family support, which is why I (as the supporting partner) do need to be more available when my husband is ill as I can't just call parents or family to help. It is just us.

4k is a massive amount - please organise a taxi service for the children/ a cleaner and a babysitter separately and I’m sure you will get better service and save money too!