DP's attitude to small amounts of money - boils my piss. AIBU?

[MissMoneyBallBags]

Me and DP are on the same page about 'big' finances.

But our attitudes to small amounts of money don't tally, and it boils my piss.

Let me give you some examples:

• DP never ever scans his Clubcard at Tesco to get things at the lower price. We don't shop at Tesco for the big shop, so it's only really when he gets a meal deal for lunch at work. But why wouldn't you just scan your card?

• If there's a multi-buy offer on at the supermarket, DP won't get the additional items if we don't need the additional item that week. But this is stuff that we will probably need the following week or the week after. And we have room for it. So why not just get it while its on offer?

• DP has to do tax self-assessments. He missed the January deadline. He'll get fined £100 if its not done by end of April. But DP's away a lot over the next month so I don't see him getting around to it. So he'll just end up paying £100 to the government needlessly.

It's relatively small amounts of money. We can afford it. And its his money so his choice. So I know I'm kind of BU.

But I find it infuriating and wasteful.
I'm not advocating for him massively going out of his way to save a few pennies. I'm suggesting that things like bunging an extra bottle of squash in the basket when it's a 2-for-1 offer, or scanning your Clubcard at the self-service checkout aren't huge undertakings or impositions so why the hell wouldn't you do it?!
Please tell me you can see my perspective and I'm not being wholly U?!

No, this isn't the case at all. DP's absolutely shit hot when it comes to 'big' finances and 'big' amounts of money. He's really proactive.
He just CBA with smaller amounts of money that he sees as inconsequential.

When I said we're on the same page about 'big' finances I mean we both have the same attitude towards things like retirement, investment risks, housing etc.

It’s threads like this which make me so happy that DP and I don’t share finances.

If I came home after a day at work to “love I was looking at the account and you spent £3.90 on lunch while I spent £3.50, what’s all that about?” I would seriously think he had a meltdown

I seriously couldn’t be arsed with that level of scrutiny in my relationship

Oh I recognise your name now.

You always come on the berate people for perfectly reasonable posts and then resort to calling them stupid.

If a child has no recourse to getting a discount that is widely available to adults which results in them having to pay DOUBLE the price that the adult and does, they are paying DOUBLE the price.

Adults have the option to get a clubcard.
Children do not.

Do you work for Tesco or something? Why are you so defensive over a system that ensures children have to pay more than adults?

Eh? Cognitive resource is one of the most precious, useful things I have, and one of the most carefully allocated. Much more important than bloody money.

Having said that, I'm now going to stop wasting it on this thread.

It's not just £100 for his tax fine and £100 for "forgetting" to scan his Clubcard when he gets a meal deal, it's everything else on top.

About 4 years ago, I went through my spending to see what I was spending money on and put it into a spreadsheet.
I took a little bit of time now and then (and I mean maybe 10 mins a week) to gradually work through the list and see if I could save money there.
All the £10's here and there add up and I've managed to overpay my mortgage to the extent that I've taken 2 years off the term.
Being aware of the small stuff means I do buy the offers (although not for anything that can go off or that might encourage me to eat more of it), I made sure I had loyalty cards for all the stores I use regularly and scan them when shopping.

Your husband is being lazy.
Just think - if he scanned his Clubard every day, that would pay for his HMRC fine !

He didn't come home after a day at work and I pounced on him about the £3.90. I asked him as I was scrolling through, checking the account. He told me it was his daily meal deal at normal (not Clubcard) price and we moved on. I've never mentioned it again.
You'd understand this if you read my previous posts properly.

I haven’t called anyone stupid @GrinAndVomit. I’m not defensive of Tesco or anyone else but it’s factually incorrect to say that paying the shelf price is paying double, it’s not getting a 50% discount which is entirely different.

But the clubcard offers and 2 for 1 can add up to 100 fairly quickly, so they are both a big deal.

I would be v unhappy OP. It's sheer laziness keeping money out of your pocket and in the coffers of Tesco.

Paying 4 quid instead of 2 quid is BOTH paying double AND not getting a 50% discount.
It's not entirely different, it's the exact same.

Really?

Don’t they teach maths and comprehension in schools any more?

This isn’t calling me stupid?

Inference is a huge part of comprehension, ironically.

If you reverse it though, are you showing much care for him and his approach to life here? I feel like you are being pretty intolerant of the fact that he just has a different outlook than you on penny-pinching.

Oh dear.

Sorry, I’ve only skimmed but I wonder if this has anything to do with your money situation growing up.

We didn’t have much money so getting the best value is important. Financially we could afford an extra 40p per day (for example) on lunch but if it’s unnecessary it would really bother me as it’s still a waste.

On this issue no. But he's not bothered about this issue, hence why he's not doing the saving things in the first place.

But, more generally, absolutely. I'm very conscious of the things DP cares about and will make efforts even if its stuff I don't care about. For example, DP's a really private person. I am absolutely not. But I don't share personal things because I know DP cares about privacy. I use my 'cognitive resources' to remember the things DP cares about this and act accordingly.

I'm with you OP. Generally being wasteful isn't an attractive trait, and the little effort it takes to scan a clubcard fob on your keyring.. it's disrespectful to the effort going into earning the income to BUY that stuff. I find it very distasteful actually - this money is not worth my time/energy when it's really no energy at all. And the tax penalties are just laziness.

Unless you're both millionaires/billionaires, I wouldn't like this, and financial values are really important to me in a relationship. I honestly couldn't be with someone who pissed money away on laziness. That's what's happening here.

Other people feel differently (you can see that on this thread). that's fine.

but i wouldn't want to enter into a relationship with people who do this - it's a fundamental incompatability.

It’s a discriminatory policy.

Hopefully that doesn’t hurt your head too much 😊

p.s. to add to this with a vague memory.. i once watched a foreign language film about a guy who dies and walks around his house/garden looking at all the stuff he owned and tallies them up to time. that bed cost me 2hours of work. that car, 20 months of work - that sort of thing. Money IS time if you live on earned income. i can't remember the name of the film, sorry, but it struck a really big chord with me as a teen.

if your DP didn't have such a wasteful attitude towards money, could oneof you drop a day a week of work?

that's how i think.

I think it really does, yes.

At times growing up we had absolutely nothing. We lived in an area of high poverty where most didn't have a pot to piss in. We had a food bank before they became a 'thing' because lots of people in the area couldn't afford to eat or prioritised other things over feeding their children.

DP's family had more. They weren't well-off but DP never went without and never watched his parents go without. He grew up in an area where everyone had enough to eat and nice houses etc.

So, yes, I really do think those experiences have had an impact.

But this is an arbitrary thing, different people look at it differently and both ways of doing it are actually (objectively) fine.

What if he started moaning at you because you are penny-pinching too much, started telling you to relax and stop being so uptight? That would be awful, but it's the same thing in reverse.

You're expecting him to change his behaviour to match your preference.

Can't you see a problem there? You're not giving him agency.

Well you have to do the tax return at some point, so you might as well do it sooner and not pay the fine.

Scanning a clubcard isn't something you have to do, and you have to do it all the time to get the rewards. So it's not zero-cost if you value not having to think about it.

We could drop time at work even with his approach.

As I said, he's very proactive on 'big' finances and big amounts of money. But smaller amounts he has a total blindspot for. I see the two as being connected but I don't think he does at all.

@MissMoneyBallBags I don't think it's comparable with the privacy thing. If you were to post all over social media about his life then that would be objectively a pretty shit thing to do if he's asked you not to.

The money thing is different because you can each make your own decisions about your own money without it having much impact on the other's life. The couple hundred pounds a year you might be worse off by will not affect your actual life at all.

I don't mean to be flippant but, truly, these issues are not comparable.

Agreed. I couldn't date someone who had such a different attitude to money -all this talk of "hassle" when it's a key fob he just needs to scan.

If he did it every time that's money saved plus points earned towards a day out /railcard each year. Would baffle me why he won't do it when it's straight money off at the till.

I see the two as being connected but I don't think he does at all.

To be fair, I don’t either. And that’s as someone who was scrabbling down the back of the sofa in the hope of finding coins at one stage. I’m so happy not to have to worry about 40p any more.

Yes, I absolutely can see what you mean. As I said in the OP, I know I'm being U because it's his money. I don't curtail his agency or expect him to change - he can do what he likes, I've mentioned the Clubcard thing once and I don't berate him for not getting offers when we're shopping. I've never suggested he change his behaviour, I'm just venting on MN.

I should say, I'm not penny-pinching in the sense of being miserly. I hate people who are like this, it makes for a miserable life.
I'm happy to spend huge amounts of money on things I want or need. I don't scrimp on things, I don't buy cheap.
BUT if there's a bargain to be had on the things I need or want, I'll get it. That might be £50 off a £2,000 handbag, or it might be 40p off a Tesco meal deal. If there's money to be saved, I'll do it.