DP's attitude to small amounts of money - boils my piss. AIBU?

[MissMoneyBallBags]

Me and DP are on the same page about 'big' finances.

But our attitudes to small amounts of money don't tally, and it boils my piss.

Let me give you some examples:

• DP never ever scans his Clubcard at Tesco to get things at the lower price. We don't shop at Tesco for the big shop, so it's only really when he gets a meal deal for lunch at work. But why wouldn't you just scan your card?

• If there's a multi-buy offer on at the supermarket, DP won't get the additional items if we don't need the additional item that week. But this is stuff that we will probably need the following week or the week after. And we have room for it. So why not just get it while its on offer?

• DP has to do tax self-assessments. He missed the January deadline. He'll get fined £100 if its not done by end of April. But DP's away a lot over the next month so I don't see him getting around to it. So he'll just end up paying £100 to the government needlessly.

It's relatively small amounts of money. We can afford it. And its his money so his choice. So I know I'm kind of BU.

But I find it infuriating and wasteful.
I'm not advocating for him massively going out of his way to save a few pennies. I'm suggesting that things like bunging an extra bottle of squash in the basket when it's a 2-for-1 offer, or scanning your Clubcard at the self-service checkout aren't huge undertakings or impositions so why the hell wouldn't you do it?!
Please tell me you can see my perspective and I'm not being wholly U?!

Clubcard points: personal choice. It's a way to get you to sell your valuable data at an undervalue so they can use it to rip you off later. Bogof: depends. Maybe he has too much to carry? Tax fine: irritating. Yanbu.

I think you are making mountains out of molehills on 1) and 2). In fact I don’t know how you would even know these things never mind have them “boil your piss”.

I don't think you understand that you're over-playing the differences between these two examples.

It's not specifically about the examples but about their underlying foundations - that we should both spend 'cognitive resources' on behaving in ways that cater to the other's outlook on life even if we're completely baffled by it.

I absolutely am not expecting DP to change his behaviour on this. As I said in the OP, his money/his choice [though we do have shared finances] and I've never berated him or asked him to change.

DP has never asked me not to share personal information, I just don't do so because I know he's a very private person. Ergo, my point: I spend 'cognitive resources' thinking what DP would want in particular situations and act accordingly even though his approach baffles me and me acting otherwise would have zero impact on him.

You keep maintaining you're baffled and frustrated, surely you need to try and change how you think about stuff that is beyond your control

You wanting him not to spend his money in a certain way is very different from him wanting you not to share his personal data.

The latter is basic respect.

The former is controlling.

Agree with this standpoint

It's not just the money. HMRC regard late filing/late payment as a warning flag and such people are more likely to get a tax investigation!

Have this same problem. We needed an air conditioner and I found one on sale and wanted to order it and pick it up the next morning. It was more than 30% off. We were 100% getting it. It had great reviews. He would not let me pay for it online (not a scam fear or anything, he buys online all the time).
Of course, when we go to get it the next day in store, they are sold out. Because duh, 30% off. So, not only did we not get that one cheaper, they barely had anything in stock, he didn't want to go to another store and we paid twice as much. he wasted a weeks grocery budget but then whines when I buy a drink during checkout.
and when I get deals or BOGO, he is always complaining. Yeah, if there is dish soap for $1.50 each when it is usually $4, I am buying 5 of them. It is not heads of lettuce that will go bad before use.

He has no common sense. Or lazy. I don’t understand why he can’t scan his card, so easy to do.

I hate waste so that would really annoy me too!

Put Tesco app on his phone? Either direct or on Stocard.

Not unreasonable at all! I get the same with my OH. Lends money to people at work, small amounts but annoying no less. Orders things that don’t get fulfilled (FBook goods) so I chase through PayPal to get refund. Forgets weekly train ticket so has to buy daily on top. The list goes on! Drives me nuts and is probably main thing we argue about.

This would irk me! Is he too lazy to be bothered?

They have joint finances so it's not his money.

It's not controlling to be annoyed that your partner is wasting £100+ a year of your money.

OP hasn't even told him to stop. They just mentioned it once.

If I decided to set fire to £100 every year, I'm sure my husband would have something to say about it!

OP quote clearly explained how the knew about them. OP literally sees her DP not picking up BOGOF items and noticed an unusual amount on the joint bank so wondered what it was.

His money, his choice. Your money, your choice. If it’s his money they he can waste as he likes surely. You may find it irritating but it’s not yours so why get stressed? Personally I always scan my Clubcard but some people just aren’t like that.

Has DH never really ever needed to budget particularly so meal deals & offers are completely meaningless to him & views them more as a hassle than a benefit. Can’t be bothered to go get an extra item for longer term benefit cos it’s not that much money type thing. If he has needed to budget in a day to day way in the past - the relative comfort of having a comfortable disposable income now maybe means he doesn’t feel any real incentive to with the small stuff. These things I think are habits however so I think if you’re that way inclined - effectively making the most of a bargain:discounts etc you do them regardless of your financial status. Some people are more thrifty by nature than others. The not filing tax return on time & happily paying the penalty does suggest he’s a bit avoidant about money matters however. Rather just pay penalty than face up & bust a gut to get it in on time. Maybe the minutiae is too small & equals hassle to him which is easier to avoid. Lots of pple with adhd struggle with this. But I’m not saying he has this!!

Well yes it's about quality of life, not sure I'll look back on my life and regret not tapping my tesco club card more

I never scan my Sparks card, surprised I'm not divorced

It would bug me too. I do always shop the offers, buy things at the lowest price, use Quidco etc
Which is why I have a bit of a stash of stuff, like when flash bathroom spray went to 50p a bottle on Amazon. I didn't need it that day or week but it would have been stupid not to get it when I use it
This thread meant I used my club card today (we don't have a Tesco where I live!) and it brought my total down from £16.67 to £13.40 which isn't a small amount of money over time

I'm with him on the examples you gave. I HATE clubcards and never use them.
I don't buy 2 for 1s that often and certainly wouldn't care if he didn't. Ok the £100 a bit annoying I guess. But of these are the worst examples I'm struggling to see the issue.

Let's say every week you spend $100 and get 100 points. That is 400 per month. Now, I don't know what Tesco points are for, but we have a store here that you can earn points for gas or petrol. That 400 points is $.40 off a gallon of gas. In my car, that is $8 per month. Add in missing 2 free items a month at $2-3 each and that you still have to purchase later and that is another $4-6. And that is just for a couple who don't really bargain shop. If you have a couple kids and prioritize sales items, you save even more money. I have seen my grocery total at register go to half or less merely by using the loyalty card. That $12 per month may not be much to some people, but for others it is lifesaving or at least pays for a streaming service. If you saw $2 on the ground, you would pick it up. If something you use all the time and is not immediately perishable is BOGO, you are basically just leaving money on the ground. I don't know why anyone would spend $3-4 on dish soap or something and then happily spend another $3-4 the next month when they could have gotten the second months one free with zero effort. And if there is no limit, you could get an entire year of dish soap for 1/2 price. `
I get that you don't see the issue, but you claim $100 is a big deal while the simple act of not using the card and not grabbing the free item is probably losing them the same amount or more each year. It is just happening slowly in small amounts.

OP says in the opening post that it is "his money".

They live together and have a joint account. I don't mind a man seeing his money as his own but he wouldn't be living with me; we'd live seperately. Then he could waste his money as he chooses. Having a joint account or any finances joined with a man who shows signs of being careless about money is bound to end up being a headache

So true about the offers actually. Come to think of it, I never see BOGOFs anymore either. In fact it often seems to be clubcard offers instead.