DP's attitude to small amounts of money - boils my piss. AIBU?

[MissMoneyBallBags]

Me and DP are on the same page about 'big' finances.

But our attitudes to small amounts of money don't tally, and it boils my piss.

Let me give you some examples:

• DP never ever scans his Clubcard at Tesco to get things at the lower price. We don't shop at Tesco for the big shop, so it's only really when he gets a meal deal for lunch at work. But why wouldn't you just scan your card?

• If there's a multi-buy offer on at the supermarket, DP won't get the additional items if we don't need the additional item that week. But this is stuff that we will probably need the following week or the week after. And we have room for it. So why not just get it while its on offer?

• DP has to do tax self-assessments. He missed the January deadline. He'll get fined £100 if its not done by end of April. But DP's away a lot over the next month so I don't see him getting around to it. So he'll just end up paying £100 to the government needlessly.

It's relatively small amounts of money. We can afford it. And its his money so his choice. So I know I'm kind of BU.

But I find it infuriating and wasteful.
I'm not advocating for him massively going out of his way to save a few pennies. I'm suggesting that things like bunging an extra bottle of squash in the basket when it's a 2-for-1 offer, or scanning your Clubcard at the self-service checkout aren't huge undertakings or impositions so why the hell wouldn't you do it?!
Please tell me you can see my perspective and I'm not being wholly U?!

I respectfully disagree.

I'm not talking about posting our private life all over social media. I'm talking about mentioning relatively minor things in passing to friends.

If I made my own decision to tell a friend that DP's mum was unwell, for example, that wouldn't affect his life one bit. But he wouldn't like it. So I wouldn't share it.

DP's never asked me not to share personal things. I just know him well and know what he likes and doesn't like, what he'd want me to share and wouldn't, and I keep conscious of that regardless of my own leanings.

If the dp hada moral objection to Tesco tracking his data then that works be one thing. But he has a club card on his key fob and just can't be bothered to use it!

Also the kid not being able to use a club are and paying double seems incorrect - it's £3.90 for meal deal and £3.50 with clubcard. So they probably didn't get meal deal items.

We're just talking shopping and Clubcards and BOGOFs and saving here so no big deal

It's a big deal to OP, It's a big deal to me. It's a big deal to lots and lots of people. It is literally throwing away money on a regular basis. It's lazy and it's disrespectful and its wasteful.

It's not just a different way of doing things that makes no difference. It's like setting fire to tenners on a regular basis.

That was my quote 😆

What I meant by 'no big deal' was that BOGOFs, Clubcard, promotions etc. aren't things I care about deeply and passionately.

I think expecting your partner to care bout your attitudes to minutiae is controlling. Even more if you’re checking up on it via bank statements and questioning his lunch spending.

There are lots of things you care about to varying degrees. It’s fine to expect him to care about the big stuff or the high priority stuff. But expecting him to adopt your perspective on supermarket promotions (when money is in no way an issue) is a weird attitude to take in a couple.

People have limited resources - cognitive and otherwise. I didn’t say he shouldn’t care about you or what you cared about. This is petty shit and you sound like a nightmare.

I mean, I care enough to always get a bargain and I physically can't understand people who pass up bargains. But its not something I lose sleep over or would sit my DP down for a 'big talk' about or anything.

My response was specifically about a PP's comment about DP spending 'cognitive resource' on things I care about. My comment was that spending his 'cognitive resource' on this particular is neither here nor there really. But that DP should care about other things I care about.

But, despite that, you think your husband should make sure he does it you way.

Thinking this stuff doesn’t matter so he can do it however he likes is a ‘shitty attitude’ apparently. 🙄

Even the fact you’ve aligned bogofs and not doing a tax return and presented it as the same, equally weighted problem is silly.

"take care of the pennies and the pounds will take care of themselves"

i was talking about expending cognitive resource on this petty shit - as you well know.

Not saying that your husband should never consider you in any way.

Not buying a BOGOF a bottle of squash is completely different to not caring about stuff that matters.

Given that I'm more like your husband, OP, I wonder if the following is true for you too?

I don't scour around for small deals. Likewise, when I'm doing a job, it's usually with a "bosh - first link on Google - follow instructions - done" attitude.

As a result, I do a lot more than my husband with the same amount of time, and 95% time it's good enough. 5% of the time, some kind of research would have saved from being bitten on the arse.

He puts a lot of thought into jobs. Researchs, plans, gets every last tool. Does a very thorough job, with minimal errors. Sloooooowly.

We work with that. I deal with volume, he deals with precision. We decide what approach is needed as divvy up work accordingly.

I think expecting your partner to care bout your attitudes to minutiae is controlling
I respectfully disagree. I think its indicative that you know your partner well, you know what they care about you act in a way, albeit mundane, which shows them love and respect. For me, caring about a partner's attitude towards minutiae is partly what indicates a depth of feeling and care beyond friendship.

I absolutely don't expect DP to adopt my attitude towards supermarket promotions. That's why, as I've said repeatedly if you took the time to read the thread, I've only mentioned the Clubcard once and I've never berated him for him not taking advantage of BOGOFs etc. His money, he can do what he likes It absolutely baffles me and frustrates me but he's his own person so up to him.

Nope, as I've said repeatedly, I don't expect DP to do things my way.

I'm baffled and frustrated by his approach but I've never expected or asked him to change it.

It's lazy and it's disrespectful and its wasteful.

Thread had a pretty good hyperbole free run.

No, I don't scour for deals. Jesus no, I don't have time for that shit.

What I mean is that if I'm buying some squash and it's BOGOF, I'll get two. My thinking is that squash doesn't go off, we have room to store it, so might as well.

If DP's buying squash and its BOGOF, he'll get one. His thinking is that we only need one squash this week so only buy one. If we need another one next week, buy another one next week.

I absolutely don't shop around for who's got the best deal on squash. I wouldn't buy cheap, nasty squash. If the things I'm buying anyway have a deal on, I'll take advantage of the deal. DP won't always do so. I find it baffling.

** We don't drink nearly as much squash as this thread would have you believe 😅

None of that is hyperbole.

You're standing at the till in Tesco. Your bill is 30 quid, but if you scan the card that is in your pocket, its 24.

Are you seriously suggesting that its perfectly ok and normal to just never scan the card, paying extra every time you shop?

If you're so unaffected by the cost of living crises that you are happy to literally throw away your money, scan the card and give the difference every time to a food bank.

There is something actually wrong with some of the people on this thread

There is something actually wrong with some of the people on this thread
**
Like I say, good run.
**
**

Well the difference is, if his mum's unwell, that's his news to share or not share. It would be incredibly disrespectful of you to share his news, so obviously you are not going to do it.

Him "asking" you not to share his personal news (I know he didn't actually ask) - is not the same as you asking him to spend his money in a certain way.

The former is basic respect.

The latter is intrusive and controlling.

They're not comparable.

(I mean would be intrusive and controlling - I know you are not actually asking him to - I'm just saying these two things are definitely not comparable).

But that's kind of my point.

While I'm confused by DP's desire for absolute privacy, I respect it because I spend 'cognitive resource' thinking about what my DP cares about. I wouldn't find it at all intrusive or controlling if DP told people "my" news. I wouldn't see it as "my news" or particularly private.
We have different approaches. But I care about DP's approach and act accordingly even though it doesn't remotely chime with my own at all.

I don't think you understand the basic difference between these two examples.

One is about you wanting control over what your DP does with his own money (and it would be controlling/ intrusive of you to do so)

The other is that your DP has requested that you don't share his personal information with other people (and it would be controlling/ intrusive of you to do so). You think you are doing something nice for him by not doing so but this is just a case of giving him basic respect.

If he changed his spending habits to suit your preferenecs, that wouldn't be him giving you basic respect. That would be him being controlled by you.

I can't get with saving such tiny amounts of money that the club cards offer, its more faff than its worth, and I buy coffee and lunch out everyday, but i think they are very important items for my quality of life!

How can waving a key card at a scanner be more faff than it's worth ?

So if OP’s partner spends like this his whole life but OP doesn’t. What if she then ends up with far more in her pension in retirement?
I could almost GUARANTEE he is underfunded in his as the majority of the U.K. is. Does she have to subsidise him in old age?

Unless you have a good pension, savings and family choices are not impacted by budget, surely he is impacting OP. He’s wasting money in my view and there are likely higher priorities that he’s ignoring.

there are likely higher priorities that he’s ignoring.

Such as?

Rookiemere, cos it means getting my keys out as well as my phone