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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told DD6 the truth about Santa?

219 replies

Santaslittlehelper83 · 30/03/2023 10:13

A bit of an unseasonable thread, but it started as her questioning the existence of the Easter bunny, as a few things didn't add up to her about the school's easter egg hunt. We've never made a thing of the easter bunny, but have had egg hunts at home so I eventaully said 'yes it's the parents that hide the eggs'. I wish I hadn't as her train of thought went to the tooth fairy, then Santa. I wanted her to believe for a couple more years, as she still seems so little. I tried being vague saying along the lines of 'well we have to believe to keep the magic alive etc.....'. She wasn't to be fobbed off though and outright asked me if Santa was real and got the presents. In the end I felt I couldn't outright lie, so told her I didn't know whether Santa was real, but it is the parents that buy the gifts, and explained the tradition around that.

Well.....last night and this morning it is like the bottom has dropped out of her world. She is really upset and says she wishes she didn't know, that she feels there is no more magic in the world. I just don't know what to say to her, how to comfort her. She was so dejected going into school today, but she knows she can't say anything to her friends (I did have a quick word with the teacher). Has anyone else been through this, when a young child has been so upset? Was I unreasonable, should I just have lied?? Although I do believe she is upset, she is a bit of a dramatic child, and I think may be playing up to this abit. I feel awful and she is probably picking up on this. Arrrgh....any advice??? TIA.

OP posts:
Snugglemonkey · 30/03/2023 19:49

Ihavekids · 30/03/2023 11:06

Also wouldn't have been able to lie if my child looked me straight in the eye and asked for the truth. I think you did the right thing.

And I absolutely wouldn't worry about telling other kids. Christmas is time with family, presents, lots of treats and love. Santa or no Santa makes no difference.

Your daughter will get over it and in the general scheme of things not believing in Santa is the biggest 1st world problem I can imagine. Meh.

Bollocks. It makes a massive difference when you find out there is no Santa. The heart goes out of it. Especially when the youngest child stops believing.

DappledThings · 30/03/2023 19:53

Bollocks. It makes a massive difference when you find out there is no Santa. The heart goes out of it. Especially when the youngest child stops believing.

Nah, that's bollocks. Made no difference at all to my 6 year old last Christmas. He got presents, he got good food, he got a lovely time with his family, a Christingle and lots of chocolate. He was perfectly happy and played along with the leaving stuff out for FC for his little sister.

Think she might be a bit more bothered when she figures it out but not much. This "magic" stuff is all very OTT

usererror99 · 30/03/2023 19:54

I didn't know saying the Easter bunny hid the eggs was even a thing? I mean she's only got to go in Sainsbury to see wall to wall Easter eggs to know that one's a lie?

Perhaps we have too many of these things? To make them all believable. Tooth fairy easter bunny and Father Christmas? It's better to just stick with the main one - father Xmas

Antiquiteas · 30/03/2023 19:57

Oh wow @gannett. I presume you developed self-awareness as you got older?! 😆

WhatWouldJeevesDo · 30/03/2023 19:57

There was nothing else you could do.

Original poster
Santaslittlehelper83 · 30/03/2023 20:00

Thank you for the responses all, and the helpful advice. DD was brighter when I collected her today. Seemingly she hasn't told anyone at school, and she seems to understand how important it is not to. Knowing her nature I believe her, and believe she will try her best not to tell. On reflection, and looking through responses on here I really do think I did the right thing. As I say when she asked initially I tried to be vague, deflect the question etc, but she was having none of it. When she asked me the outright question and asks repeatedly 'tell me the truth Mum...pleeeease!', I am not going to outright lie. No judgement to those that would, but that just doesn't sit right with me. We have talked about her now being a 'guardian of the magic', which she seems happy with, and how she is part now of the Christmas magic for others (I think this will also help her not tell her peers), and that we can carry on the traditions as part of our own family Christmas magic....so I think Christmas will be different but still really special. I'm just glad this didn't happen right before Christmas! Thanks all, and Happy Easter (sod that Easter Bunny though that started all of this!).

OP posts:
BeautifulWar · 30/03/2023 20:05

I disagree with the majority. I asked my mum outright about Father Christmas after a kid at school laughed at me for believing in Father Christmas (we were 4 and 5). My mum told me the truth, I would have hated being lied to! As soon as the boy told me, I knew it wasn't true.

I didn't breathe a word to anyone. My mum impressed how important it was not to ruin it for anyone else.

Raeinbow · 30/03/2023 20:23

I dont usually reply to these, but yabu! Did you really say she is overdramatic? Thats very unfair.

Imagine you found out something you truly believe in was fake, youd be devastated! Its very unfair to put big grown up feelings on such a little girl, and now she has all the pressure of not not telling her friends

Snugglemonkey · 30/03/2023 20:26

toastofthetown · 30/03/2023 13:23

It’s not up to parents when children find out that lies (in the bluntest possible term) they’ve been told are lies. Different children believe in different things and it should be ok to discuss that in the classroom. Many families don’t celebrate Christmas at all and as such their children don’t get presents or believe in Father Christmas. Should the Jehovah’s Witness child in class at school have lied throughout December to maintain a myth for the rest of the class?

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Yes they absolutely should.

Snugglemonkey · 30/03/2023 20:30

Villssev · 30/03/2023 14:12

i wonder how people have had serious discussions with therapists talking about the profound distrust of their parent they have as a consequence of the years when they “lied about Santa”?!

I have been a therapist for 15 years. No one has mentioned it.

WhatWouldJeevesDo · 30/03/2023 20:32

BeautifulWar · 30/03/2023 20:05

I disagree with the majority. I asked my mum outright about Father Christmas after a kid at school laughed at me for believing in Father Christmas (we were 4 and 5). My mum told me the truth, I would have hated being lied to! As soon as the boy told me, I knew it wasn't true.

I didn't breathe a word to anyone. My mum impressed how important it was not to ruin it for anyone else.

Same here (except nobody told me not to tell). Even at four, I think it would have been wrong and not very easy to argue me out of my senses.

Snugglemonkey · 30/03/2023 20:34

NotAHouse · 30/03/2023 18:33

There's a difference between "being nice" and "making up an elaborate story to scare children into behaving". HTH.

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In this house Santa is pure magic. There is no threat. It is nothing to do with behaviour. I do not think that must people use Santa as a weapon.

toastofthetown · 30/03/2023 21:20

Snugglemonkey · 30/03/2023 20:26

Yes they absolutely should.

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You seriously think that children from non-Christian religions should pretend to follow the beliefs of another religion so that your child doesn't consider that a fictional toy distributer is fictional?

LSSG · 30/03/2023 21:21

Oh op same thing happened to me last year with Santa - dd was 7! I was also caught off guard and couldn't lie. but her line of questioning was so direct in any case, there could have been no fobbing her off with vagueness or 'what do you think's (I did get away with doing this the year before). It was clear it had come up at school.

She hasn't mentioned it so far this year, I hope we don't have to go through it all again Sad

I really sympathise and have enjoyed reading many of the replies, thanks for posting.

Snugglemonkey · 30/03/2023 21:51

toastofthetown · 30/03/2023 21:20

You seriously think that children from non-Christian religions should pretend to follow the beliefs of another religion so that your child doesn't consider that a fictional toy distributer is fictional?

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I think that if you cannot say anything nice, you say nothing. You do not ruin Christmas for people. You do not have to pretend, you just do not say anything. We are not christian. Religion has sod all to do with Santa.

toastofthetown · 30/03/2023 22:05

Snugglemonkey · 30/03/2023 21:51

I think that if you cannot say anything nice, you say nothing. You do not ruin Christmas for people. You do not have to pretend, you just do not say anything. We are not christian. Religion has sod all to do with Santa.

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So when a well meaning adult asks a child who doesn't celebrate Christmas in front of their peers what they are asking Father Christmas for are they meant to answer 'no comment'? Ignore the question and walk away? Rather than the truth which is they aren't asking for (or receiving) anything as Christmas isn't celebrated in their house.

Snugglemonkey · 30/03/2023 23:02

toastofthetown · 30/03/2023 22:05

So when a well meaning adult asks a child who doesn't celebrate Christmas in front of their peers what they are asking Father Christmas for are they meant to answer 'no comment'? Ignore the question and walk away? Rather than the truth which is they aren't asking for (or receiving) anything as Christmas isn't celebrated in their house.

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I think it is a travesty that it is not. I would never dream of putting a child in that position by excluding them from such a massive cultural event, but if I was going to other my child like that, I would teach them to say a surprise or something generic.

Why should Christmas be wrecked for others because some people decide to deprive their children?

SusiePevensie · 30/03/2023 23:12

It's hardly wrecked, is it? It's just minus a creepy story about a bloke from the North Pole climbing down your chimney.

I'm not even religious and it still seems weird to make Christmas all about Santa and not about Christ (clue in the name there).

GrowThroughWhatYouGoThrough · 30/03/2023 23:22

The rule in our house is if you don't believe you might not receive is it worth the chance you might wake up with no presents! 🤣

Minfilia · 30/03/2023 23:24

JudyGemstone · 30/03/2023 15:20

I think if they’re old enough to ask a sensible question about it then they’re old enough to hear a sensible answer.

my son was about 4 when he asked me, I told him the truth. No one was traumatised and everyone still enjoys Christmas!

My (albeit slightly naive) twins still believed at 10. Even when told by their friends he wasn’t real, they still insisted he was.

my other DC figured it out at age 7&8 but still pretended for their younger brothers sake!

Maray1967 · 30/03/2023 23:25

TidyDancer · 30/03/2023 10:25

Yeah you've made a mistake with this one. Nothing you can do now obviously though! Just hope she keeps it to herself, although I would work on the assumption she may not.

This.
Why not tell a few fibs and keep the magic? I got both of mine to 9-10 before it was over. Why spoil it?

neslop · 30/03/2023 23:39

Had to tell my DS2 when he was age 4 -first year in school, we hadn't really made a big thing about it before but all the hype at school got him scared at the thought of a strange man coming down the chimney into our house at night, and he asked me if Santa was real or not so I had to tell him. And had to ask him not to tell his older brother!

Jeevesnotwooster · 31/03/2023 06:45

I do think that whole countries of adults lying to children every year is weird but personally I still would have found anyway of not telling her outright at that age. 6 is very little still. Glad she is taking it well

Odile13 · 31/03/2023 07:00

I get confused reading threads like these because I don’t ever remember thinking Santa or the Easter bunny were real! I mean, my parents and family members gave us Easter eggs, I knew who they were from. At Christmas we didn’t leave anything out for Santa or have discussions about him - presents were given by parents and wider family, again I was told who they were from. I still absolutely loved Christmas and other celebrations!

I now have a 3 year old DD and we’re going to an Easter egg hunt at her grandparents house. DD already knows grandad hides the Easter eggs - we haven’t mentioned an Easter bunny, it wouldn’t have occurred to me to do so! I wonder if I’m going to be out of step with others when she goes to school - I honestly don’t know!

OverTheHillAndDownTotherSide · 31/03/2023 07:50

GrowThroughWhatYouGoThrough · 30/03/2023 23:22

The rule in our house is if you don't believe you might not receive is it worth the chance you might wake up with no presents! 🤣

Nothing like a bit of coercive control, eh?

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