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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told DD6 the truth about Santa?

219 replies

Santaslittlehelper83 · 30/03/2023 10:13

A bit of an unseasonable thread, but it started as her questioning the existence of the Easter bunny, as a few things didn't add up to her about the school's easter egg hunt. We've never made a thing of the easter bunny, but have had egg hunts at home so I eventaully said 'yes it's the parents that hide the eggs'. I wish I hadn't as her train of thought went to the tooth fairy, then Santa. I wanted her to believe for a couple more years, as she still seems so little. I tried being vague saying along the lines of 'well we have to believe to keep the magic alive etc.....'. She wasn't to be fobbed off though and outright asked me if Santa was real and got the presents. In the end I felt I couldn't outright lie, so told her I didn't know whether Santa was real, but it is the parents that buy the gifts, and explained the tradition around that.

Well.....last night and this morning it is like the bottom has dropped out of her world. She is really upset and says she wishes she didn't know, that she feels there is no more magic in the world. I just don't know what to say to her, how to comfort her. She was so dejected going into school today, but she knows she can't say anything to her friends (I did have a quick word with the teacher). Has anyone else been through this, when a young child has been so upset? Was I unreasonable, should I just have lied?? Although I do believe she is upset, she is a bit of a dramatic child, and I think may be playing up to this abit. I feel awful and she is probably picking up on this. Arrrgh....any advice??? TIA.

OP posts:
ananass · 30/03/2023 14:18

Villssev · 30/03/2023 14:10

The idea that we, as adults, are all going around harbouring resentment at our parents and disbelieving everything they ever told us since the fateful day when they said Santa wasn’t real 😂

Show quote history

Except I never said any of that. I just responded to a poster on one point, you’ve gone off on a tangent.

Villssev · 30/03/2023 14:19

CurlewKate · 30/03/2023 14:10

6 really is, in my opinion, the upper limit for believing in Father Christmas! I think the best thing to say is that people believe in Father Christmas when they're little because it's lovely to believe in magic. But when you grow up, you become one of the people who keeps the magic going for other children- and helps with presents etc. So you believe in the magic when you're little, then become part of the magic when you're older.

Another poster who doesn’t have children I suspect

MasterBeth · 30/03/2023 14:20

CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 30/03/2023 10:38

She is really upset and says she wishes she didn't know, that she feels there is no more magic in the world

Such profound words for a 6 year old.

Yeah, bollocks did she say that.

CurlewKate · 30/03/2023 14:27

@Villssev why on earth you you conclude I have no children? I have two young adults who still hang up stockings...

Villssev · 30/03/2023 14:34

So sorry! I misquoted!

Whitewolf2 · 30/03/2023 14:37

My 6 year old figured it out too and asked me outright with all her reasoning!, I didn’t want to lie either - she was so sure and it felt like I’d be doing her a disservice to say no your instincts and common sense are wrong.
I said that Father Christmas was based on a real person long ago, we all keep the joy of Christmas alive by giving presents to loved ones as he did. She was fine with this.

Antiquiteas · 30/03/2023 15:12

I’m always surprised by threads where kids believed until they were 8/9 years old. I figured it out at 4. It didn’t add up.

JudyGemstone · 30/03/2023 15:20

I think if they’re old enough to ask a sensible question about it then they’re old enough to hear a sensible answer.

my son was about 4 when he asked me, I told him the truth. No one was traumatised and everyone still enjoys Christmas!

Ihavekids · 30/03/2023 15:22

SusiePevensie · 30/03/2023 13:20

Plus - if Santa is real and gives good children presents, then the kids that don't get nice presents must be bad. Which is just lovely for poor kids.

Exactly this. I can't bear the naughty and nice bit. Lazy parenting. I cringe when I hear parents say 'be good or Santa won't come' absolutely awful for families who know they won't be able to afford loads for their loved ones. It's magical enough to have family and food and love and a few thoughtful gifts.
Down with the whole Santa narrative.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/03/2023 15:29

To the parents who 'don't like lying', seriously...
'That drawing is rubbish. It's basically a scribble.'
'Well, it's hardly very good colouring is it? You haven't even stayed in the lines.'
'Yes, there's loads of the vegetables you hate hidden in this bolognaise.'
'No, that sparkly skirt doesn't go with that ridiculous top'
Etc etc. we lie, all the time!! To be nice.

OverTheHillAndDownTotherSide · 30/03/2023 15:58

There is a massive difference between talking about a picture (and actually I always ask what they think of the picture, what their favourite thing about it is etc - good for self esteem not to need external praise all the time) and deliberately creating an illusion that something unreal
is real. White lies are needed for society to function (does my bum look big in this?!).

People tie themselves in knots trying to keep their kids believing in something that ISN’T REAL.

SpookyFBI · 30/03/2023 15:59

You could try spinning it into a positive. Celebrate with her that she’s reached the milestone of developing such sophisticated critical thinking skills and tell her how proud you are that she’s figured it out - much sooner than most other kids! Then share with her how much fun it’s been for you to keep the magic alive for her and how much fun it will be for her to keep the magic alive for all her friends at school

Ihavekids · 30/03/2023 16:07

arethereanyleftatall · 30/03/2023 15:29

To the parents who 'don't like lying', seriously...
'That drawing is rubbish. It's basically a scribble.'
'Well, it's hardly very good colouring is it? You haven't even stayed in the lines.'
'Yes, there's loads of the vegetables you hate hidden in this bolognaise.'
'No, that sparkly skirt doesn't go with that ridiculous top'
Etc etc. we lie, all the time!! To be nice.

'I love the colors, but can't see what it is, can you tell me?'
'Nah that's not great coloring in, you're supposed to stay in the lines, try again I'll do some with you.'
'Yes, I've put corgette in the bolognese sauce, gives it a smoky flavor, I know you don't like it plain but it tastes really good in the sauce.'
'You look beautiful and I love you.'

Sorry but it's really not that difficult.

There's always a way to be authentic but not unkind. You really don't have to lie to your kids. Yes yes I know I'm terribly worthy and tedious etc

NomiMacaroni · 30/03/2023 16:22

This is exactly why I'm not doing Santa with my kids. I don't need to exhaust myself keeping track of an elaborate lie, and their inevitable disappointment when they find out the truth.

CurlewKate · 30/03/2023 16:40

@SophieinParis Of course 6 is a little child. 6 is also a Year 1 who will be starting to think seriously about the world they live in. About distances and numbers of children in the world and why some children get more presents than others. And to reason things out. And to deserve proper answers to their questions.

mezlou84 · 30/03/2023 17:04

You can't go back on it now. We say we send money to santa and he gets sends elves out to find the best prices so he can get as many presents as he can with what he has. My son believed until about 6mths ago and he's 15 in June lol. Start a new tradition like Christmas pyjamas, hot chocolate, film Christmas Eve instead of the leaving of food and drink for santa. Start letting her buy her own gifts to you and her dad etc. Explain that the St Nicholas of Myra was the original santa claus and loved to give secret gifts so we carry it on as it makes us and the gift receiver very happy. By letting her choose her own secret gifts it may give her some happiness and excitement back xx

CurlewKate · 30/03/2023 18:25

@mezlou84 Are you genuinely saying that your NT son believed in Father Christmas until he was 14??

NotAHouse · 30/03/2023 18:33

arethereanyleftatall · 30/03/2023 15:29

To the parents who 'don't like lying', seriously...
'That drawing is rubbish. It's basically a scribble.'
'Well, it's hardly very good colouring is it? You haven't even stayed in the lines.'
'Yes, there's loads of the vegetables you hate hidden in this bolognaise.'
'No, that sparkly skirt doesn't go with that ridiculous top'
Etc etc. we lie, all the time!! To be nice.

There's a difference between "being nice" and "making up an elaborate story to scare children into behaving". HTH.

TeaForMeandThee · 30/03/2023 18:39

My children are 7 and 5 (and younger) if they asked a similar question I would literally think on my feet and make up a lie. Why on earth ruin it for a 6 year old? She will have told the entire class today, their parents are trying to salvage christmas as we speak!!! I'd be mad if my kid's were in your child's class.

Lovesacake · 30/03/2023 18:44

My parents never pretended Santa was real. We had brilliant Christmas’s, we put out mince pies and carrots, wrote letters to Santa, had stockings delivered in the dead of night etc. it was magical and fun and just a great game to play which culminated with presents, I don’t think it occurred to them to try and convince us it was anything other than fun make believe.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/03/2023 18:46

@NotAHouse
You what now? Is that what Santa was for you? I'm sorry to hear that. No, not used like that in my house. Just magic and excitement.

JessicaBrassica · 30/03/2023 19:03

I still haven't been that black and white with my 11yo. DD knew at 10, but understood she had to become part of the magic and therefore not say anything to others.

SophieinParis · 30/03/2023 19:03

CurlewKate · 30/03/2023 16:40

@SophieinParis Of course 6 is a little child. 6 is also a Year 1 who will be starting to think seriously about the world they live in. About distances and numbers of children in the world and why some children get more presents than others. And to reason things out. And to deserve proper answers to their questions.

Im assuming you haven’t parented a year one for a good while.. (my children are 11/9/7/1 so I’m in the thick of it..) but the lovely lovely thing about 6 year olds is that they do indeed have questioning minds and a curiosity about the way the world really works…alongside an innocent belief in magic and miracles. It’s a brilliant combination unique to a small stage in childhood. But 6 is definitely the age when that combination is at its height. Long may it last I say.

CurlewKate · 30/03/2023 19:14

@SophieinParis I agree in part. But if they ask questions they deserve a proper answer.

Snugglemonkey · 30/03/2023 19:43

gannett · 30/03/2023 10:34

She's being dramatic. She'd obviously worked it out anyway hence all the probing questions. She might be sad for a short while but she'll be fine soon. There's no reason for you to feel awful at all! Kids work it out at different ages and 6 is a normal age to develop some critical thinking.

I wouldn't worry about what she tells the other kids either. I was never a Santa believer and I told my entire primary school class he wasn't real when I was 5 or 6. There was drama and a few tears but no outraged parents came after mine. Not that I had any remorse, apparently I just said "the TRUTH is more important" - I was rather a know-it-all and a right little madam.

Do you see how awful this is?

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