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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told DD6 the truth about Santa?

219 replies

Santaslittlehelper83 · 30/03/2023 10:13

A bit of an unseasonable thread, but it started as her questioning the existence of the Easter bunny, as a few things didn't add up to her about the school's easter egg hunt. We've never made a thing of the easter bunny, but have had egg hunts at home so I eventaully said 'yes it's the parents that hide the eggs'. I wish I hadn't as her train of thought went to the tooth fairy, then Santa. I wanted her to believe for a couple more years, as she still seems so little. I tried being vague saying along the lines of 'well we have to believe to keep the magic alive etc.....'. She wasn't to be fobbed off though and outright asked me if Santa was real and got the presents. In the end I felt I couldn't outright lie, so told her I didn't know whether Santa was real, but it is the parents that buy the gifts, and explained the tradition around that.

Well.....last night and this morning it is like the bottom has dropped out of her world. She is really upset and says she wishes she didn't know, that she feels there is no more magic in the world. I just don't know what to say to her, how to comfort her. She was so dejected going into school today, but she knows she can't say anything to her friends (I did have a quick word with the teacher). Has anyone else been through this, when a young child has been so upset? Was I unreasonable, should I just have lied?? Although I do believe she is upset, she is a bit of a dramatic child, and I think may be playing up to this abit. I feel awful and she is probably picking up on this. Arrrgh....any advice??? TIA.

OP posts:
gannett · 30/03/2023 10:45

Villssev · 30/03/2023 10:35

@gannett

calling a 6 year old “dramatic” in this scenario is a bit…. Odd

The OP used the word herself. Do you really not think 6yos can be a bit dramatic?

Villssev · 30/03/2023 10:46

OverTheHillAndDownTotherSide · 30/03/2023 10:41

We never introduced any of these concepts to DD. Society insisted (playgroups, schools, shops, complete strangers) so she played along with it for a bit. Never any encouragement either way from us. She decided the idea of a fairy who took children’s teeth was just weird and she didn’t want any part of that.

She worked out at 7 that Santa would have to travel faster than the speed of light to do what people said he did and that was that. We talked about being respectful of others and she’s never told anyone that he isn’t real.

It’s a bit sad if you consider a life without Santa to be “joyless”. There is joy in many many other things. We don’t really celebrate Xmas so it would be bizarre to big up this made up character.

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I hate it and work it every yearl

I wonder if your daughter would have had that approach if her mother didn’t “hate” the time of you so much

Villssev · 30/03/2023 10:47

gannett · 30/03/2023 10:45

The OP used the word herself. Do you really not think 6yos can be a bit dramatic?

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Yes
but we aren’t talking about what shoes she can wear today

come December time in year 1, she will struggle with all the Christmas school stuff

gannett · 30/03/2023 10:51

Villssev · 30/03/2023 10:47

Yes
but we aren’t talking about what shoes she can wear today

come December time in year 1, she will struggle with all the Christmas school stuff

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I am sure she'll be over it in nine months. She'll be fine in the long run. Every child finds out Santa isn't real at some point and it shouldn't be traumatising for any of them.

Funkyslippers · 30/03/2023 10:54

Lovingitallnow why would you want to fob off a child about death??

Nanny0gg · 30/03/2023 10:54

gannett · 30/03/2023 10:51

I am sure she'll be over it in nine months. She'll be fine in the long run. Every child finds out Santa isn't real at some point and it shouldn't be traumatising for any of them.

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But it's up to the parents and a 6 year old will tell, guaranteed

Nanny0gg · 30/03/2023 10:56

Santaslittlehelper83 · 30/03/2023 10:44

Thank you @HazyDragon ....this makes me feel a bit better. It did catch me off guard, and they way she questioned was very direct, so to have lied I would have had to outright lie and be very convincing, which just didn't feel right. I just wish it had been in a couple of years time though as she does seem so young!

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You'll be worrying at Christmas. That's when she'll tell, especially if she has an argument with a friend.

Thinkbiglittleone · 30/03/2023 10:56

You are entitled to tell your child whatever you choose. If you don't like lying you have done the right thing for you. I personally think it was a wrong choice as of how upset she is.

Oh and if she is that upset and you talked to her about it before school....yes....she is telling all her little friends once she gets in school, it's just what young kids do, not in a malicious way just chatting and she will probably tell them.

Some parents may be upset that they need to navigate this conversation now (I would be) but not angry or anything with you or your child, just sad my DS might then not believe for that bit longer.

It's done though, so don't worry.......maybe she will forget Confused

SophiaSW1 · 30/03/2023 10:57

@Lovingitallnow 6 year olds doesn't need to be fobbed off about death! My year ones have just learnt all about the life cycle of humans at school. It's an age appropriate thing to know!

gannett · 30/03/2023 10:59

Nanny0gg · 30/03/2023 10:54

But it's up to the parents and a 6 year old will tell, guaranteed

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I don't think parents can control when, where or how their kids find out. I agree a 6yo will probably tell, I did! None of my classmates grew up with any trauma from it.

TheKeatingFive · 30/03/2023 10:59

Oh and if she is that upset and you talked to her about it before school....yes....she is telling all her little friends once she gets in school, it's just what young kids do

Thats not fair, it's not a given. Plenty of children keep it to themselves.

Indoorcatmum · 30/03/2023 11:01

She asked and you didn't lie!

I think you did the right thing and I think if she was thinking about things and asking questions then she may not have believed much longer anyway.

AlexaFeedMyKids · 30/03/2023 11:02

I'd have been devastated having this magic ruined at the age of 6! Sorry OP!

I dont agree with lying, but at the age of 6 some lies are totally fine and needed!

EatYourVegetables · 30/03/2023 11:02

Well, that’s what you get for lying for 6 years.

EggBlanket · 30/03/2023 11:02

I didn’t realise any kids believed in the Easter bunny. It’s just not a thing anyone talks about is it? My 5 year old knows there is no Easter bunny but still believes in father Xmas and the tooth fairy.

Whatsthefrequencykenny · 30/03/2023 11:04

A lot of kids don't celebrate Christmas or believe that Santa is real. It is perfectly fine to tell her.

leggingsandasweatshirt · 30/03/2023 11:06

I did this exact thing to my mum and she ended up just telling me the truth. I felt grown up and like she thought I was different and better than all the other kids because she had told me. Maybe go down that route?!

Ihavekids · 30/03/2023 11:06

Also wouldn't have been able to lie if my child looked me straight in the eye and asked for the truth. I think you did the right thing.

And I absolutely wouldn't worry about telling other kids. Christmas is time with family, presents, lots of treats and love. Santa or no Santa makes no difference.

Your daughter will get over it and in the general scheme of things not believing in Santa is the biggest 1st world problem I can imagine. Meh.

goodkidsmaadhouse · 30/03/2023 11:08

OP, don't stress about it. I don't like outright lying to kids either. My oldest asked around the same age and I didn't want to lie to her so told her the truth (funnily enough she stopped believing in Santa before she stopped believing in the Easter bunny - for some reason she felt that was more plausible?!)
Though unlike your DD she wasn't upset in the least. She has never told anyone at school and it hasn't spoiled Christmas in the slightest for her. My middle is now 6 and doesn't believe (though he did once tell me that he believes only on Christmas Eve night). The youngest is 4 and still does. They're all equally excited to put out their stockings on the 24th. We all adore Christmas but you really don't need Santa for Christmas to be exciting and magical and wonderful.

Chocolateydrink · 30/03/2023 11:08

Don't worry about it and don't make a big deal of it. Christmas is months away, she might choose to 'forget' between now and then. I think some kids believe for ages and others work it out very young.

A few years ago on Christmas Eve DS wasn't going to bed and I said 'you need to go to bed or Father Christmas won't bring any presents' and he looked straight at me and said 'I'm looking at Santa right now' so I just said 'Are you sure you want to believe that tonight' and tucked him up and said goodnight. He was 7 at the time, I suspect his 10 yo sister had told him because she'd just worked it out and was buzzing with her new knowledge.

BarbedButterfly · 30/03/2023 11:11

We never had kids but always agreed that if our child had outright asked us, we wouldn't lie. I figured it out at 8 and though I was sad at first I was still bouncing off the walls at Christmas time and still am

Original poster
Santaslittlehelper83 · 30/03/2023 11:16

Ihavekids · 30/03/2023 11:06

Also wouldn't have been able to lie if my child looked me straight in the eye and asked for the truth. I think you did the right thing.

And I absolutely wouldn't worry about telling other kids. Christmas is time with family, presents, lots of treats and love. Santa or no Santa makes no difference.

Your daughter will get over it and in the general scheme of things not believing in Santa is the biggest 1st world problem I can imagine. Meh.

@Ihavekids thank you!!

OP posts:
Mamai90 · 30/03/2023 11:20

This is difficult. You were caught off guard so didn't have some kind of vague plausible answer ready. My parents were always vague when I started questioning santa aged 8, so they never actually lied to me and I think I found out gradually.

However, regardless of her age I think if your child was asking you for the truth you should give it to her. So don't feel bad, she'll rally.

When my 8 year old found out there was no santa he was a bit low but by the time Xmas came around the magic and excitement was still there.

Lovingitallnow · 30/03/2023 11:23

@Funkyslippers @SophiaSW1 apologies, I don't mean about death but the afterlife etc. I think these things generally need to be managed by degrees.

So at 6 my son understand people die, it can be old age or something happening to cause their body great damage. He understands he'll never see the person again. School have introduced the concept of heaven. However I don't think at 6 he needs to be aware that young children become gravely ill and die every day, and that the concept of a soul is unconfirmed, and that anyone in his family can die, and although I've explained that none of us actually know anything about heaven I've not spelled out that it might not actually exist. That's what I mean about fobbed off. Being able to manage it in degrees and in an age appropriate way.

for example when he asked could I die I say yes I will some day and move the conversation on (fobbing off) instead of laying the whole fragility of life out.

DaughtersOfAtlas · 30/03/2023 11:28

Villssev · 30/03/2023 10:16

Her daughter is so going to tell others

Why are you talking about the OP like she's not on the thread? Address the person asking the question.

OP, yes you should have lied. Kids are young for such a short time, it would have been kinder to let her believe in the magic as long as possible. Saying that, what's done is done and you can't change your story now. She'll get over it.

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