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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU My Boyfriend wants me to FULLY ACCEPT his 5 year daughter, but I believe I AM!

457 replies

MNF2021 · 30/03/2023 10:02

I have been seeing my partner for coming up to you a year and we don't currently live together (which is fine and we are both in agreement that we are no where ready to live together)

I have a 13 year old daughter who lives with me and in all honestly he is round at mine almost 7 nights per week(in the evenings and stays overnight) which in my eyes is practically living together. He gives me money towards my food shop every week but nothing else. I will state, I am fine with this as we don't live together, he doesn't shower at mine etc. and whether he was here or not my household bills would remain the same. He currently resides at his Dads.

My daughter who is 13 isn't very keen on him but has no reason not to be. It has been me and her for majority of her life and if she had it her way - she would have it just as US.

He used to have his daughter EVERY weekend and after some discussion, the arrangement has now changed to the following -

  • Every other weekend - Friday from school to drop off with the Mum at 7:00am in another City on Monday morning (meaning he waking his daughter up at around 6am to travel)
  • On the weekends he does not have her - he has her in the week Wednesday through to Friday and every morning dropping back at the Mum's in another City (Thursday AM and Friday AM) for the Mum to take her to school.

Personally I find the arrangement bizarre as it not in the best interest of the child, waking her up early and having her sit through a full a day at school being tired but he is adamant he wants a 50/50 split.

The issue comes in where I have a very demanding job and I have said when it comes to his daughter as she is so young, I am fine for her to stay around at mine some of the days when he has her but not everyday he has her. For example last week, he had her Wednesday through to Friday - I worked on Wednesday so didn't see them (my Partner and his daughter) but they stayed on Thursday. He then decided to have her Tuesday just gone (outside of the arrangement), so I said you will need her at your Dads. I said this because I see this an opportunity for me to spend 1 on 1 time with my daughter and also it's an adjustment having a young child her also.

He has now given me an ultimatum to say - Either accept me and my daughter fully as in we both should be able to come there as and when want or it's over!

He has said I would gladly have him there everyday if it was just him - so why is it any different when it is him and his daughter.

It's different because it's my personal space currently and we don't live together. Therefore I have a right to choose when I have people my home.

Sounds a little selfish, but I am at the point in my life where my daughter who is 13 is semi independent so it's not all the time I would want a youngster around. Baring in my mind, he 2 children by 2 different woman; therefore 2 different arrangements.

I am open to phasing this in and having her more gradually but it's going to take some time for me to adjust and we don't live together for a reason. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Genevieva · 30/03/2023 11:55

I think for this relationship to survive you need to see less of each other. He needs to actually live at his Dad's and only stay with you when it suits you, rather than treating your house as his own. This way he might bring his daughter over for tea or a sleepover occasionally, but there is no obligation for you to have them. You will then give your daughter the Mum time she craves. But I don't think this is what he wants. I think he wants to play happy families and have you behave as a Mum to his daughter. The natural slippery slope is that she sees your home as her home when with her Dad and he is free to leave her in your care or in the care of your daughter.

Fraaahnces · 30/03/2023 11:56

He doesn’t want what’s best for his daughter. He doesn’t want what’s best for you or your daughter. He is pushing what is best for him in an obviously manipulative way. What IS attractive about this bloke? You’re not his partner and you’re not her stepmother. He needs to accept your boundaries and respect you. Having a little girl over is disrupting your child’s midweek routine. He can jam his emotional gaslighting up his arse and take his kid to his dad’s.

JorisBonson · 30/03/2023 11:56

Seriously. If this is your attitude I feel incredibly sorry for your daughter.

Cosyblankets · 30/03/2023 11:56

I'm a bit confused by the fact that you think you don't live together but he stays 7 nights a week.
Given that there are only 7 nights in a week what would you class as living together?

Gablonz · 30/03/2023 11:57

MNF2021 · 30/03/2023 11:54

I think you need to put your negative energy into other things hun.

Show quote history

So are you going to respond to anyone who has given you sensible advice as to what you think of their ideas or are you simply going to trawl through the thread and quote and have a pop at people who perhaps have posted less helpful comments?

Emotionalsupportviper · 30/03/2023 11:58

MNF2021 · 30/03/2023 11:54

I think you need to put your negative energy into other things hun.

Show quote history

I had a degree of sympathy towards you until this patronising comment.

It's your DD I feel heartily sorry for - you deserve all you get because you will not take notice of people who are truly trying to help you.

silverbubbles · 30/03/2023 11:58

If he does not live with you surely his daughter can't just stay at your house a few nights a week - the poor girl. Does her mother know that this is the way she will be living? Sofa surfing random nights at her ex's girlfriends house??

The poor child needs to stay at his house in her own space.

You are creating your self rather a messy unpleasant situation here.

Clymene · 30/03/2023 11:58

He's a horrible cocklodger. Put your daughter first.

twilightcafe · 30/03/2023 11:58

This 'partner' needs to sort himself out and get a place of his own. Not worm his way into yours.

You will be looking after his daughter every weekend sooner rather than later.

You've rushed into all of this. He is not your partner. Your fella of barely a year stays at yours every night and pays you loose change in the form of 'contributing' to food bills. What about utility bills? Now he's trying to lay down the law like he owns half your home!

arethereanyleftatall · 30/03/2023 11:59

As you say you are looking for advice - here's mine - if you don't end this relationship now, and start putting your daughter first - as soon as she is able she will be running as far from you as her legs will carry her, and never look back. By that time this bloke will be long gone. Although you may still be looking after his child.

monsteramunch · 30/03/2023 11:59

I am only responding to positive comments on here - we are not perfect hence me writing on this platform for support.

Your poor daughter 😞

You aren't willing to acknowledge that 'practically moving in' (your words) a man you've been with less than a year, let alone a man she doesn't like, is incredibly selfish.

Put her first. Not a cocklodger who doesn't respect your (already pretty weak) boundaries.

Emotionalsupportviper · 30/03/2023 11:59

Cosyblankets · 30/03/2023 11:56

I'm a bit confused by the fact that you think you don't live together but he stays 7 nights a week.
Given that there are only 7 nights in a week what would you class as living together?

He spends his daytimes at another house. OP doesn't know this house - it goes to another school.

Probably over a bridge.

Beautiful3 · 30/03/2023 12:00

He's clearly using you to help him parent. I think its bizzare to keep bringing her to yours, when you dont live together. You need your time and space with your daughter, no one should take that away from you and your daughter. Sounds like he wants 50/50 to avoid paying maintenance, yet doesn't want to actually parent alone. So he is emotionally black mailing you, to do it. Anyone who uses blackmail, is bad. I'm sorry but it's the truth. I'd ask him for space e.g a week apart, just to think about the relationship. Also a side note, why ask you to fully accept her, when you live apart and aren't married? Seems a big ask of a casual partner, don't you think?

Tealsofa · 30/03/2023 12:02

MNF2021 · 30/03/2023 11:41

Are you that pathetic, commenting on my previous posts. I am talking about this post alone and WILL NOT entertain any previous topics.

Is this aimed at anyone in particular??

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 30/03/2023 12:05

MNF2021 · 30/03/2023 11:41

Are you that pathetic, commenting on my previous posts. I am talking about this post alone and WILL NOT entertain any previous topics.

Makes sense. The other threads add context to you and your daughter life. And you don't appear to be good at reflecting on what's best for your dd.

NewCarOldCar · 30/03/2023 12:06

I am only responding to positive comments on here

Wow, you are such a great mother! We could all learn SO MUCH from you!!

Mother of the year - you have it all spot on 24/7, no need to ask us imperfect, lowly plebs OP, what do we know?!

That positive enough for you? 🙄

SpilltheTea · 30/03/2023 12:09

It sounds like your daughter sees him for what he is.

SwordToFlamethrower · 30/03/2023 12:09

I'd be getting really bad vibes if this guy was giving me ultimatums like that.

Go with your gut instincts! He is not the one for you.

Get back to your cosy home with your beautiful daughter and leave this man behind.

BelindaBears · 30/03/2023 12:11

It’s way too soon for him to be spending this much time at your house. Put your child first.

Axahooxa · 30/03/2023 12:11

He wants 50-50 to avoid paying maintenance.
He wants to come to yours to make life easy.

Take the ultimatum as a gift!

GrinAndVomit · 30/03/2023 12:14

Your poor daughter 😞

Original poster
MNF2021 · 30/03/2023 12:14

I can't respond back to every comment. There are far too many. Thank you to those who have taken the time out to give some honest and sensible advice.

Not to those trying degrade my character. I will no longer be commenting or watching the thread. Thank you.

OP posts:
user1471538283 · 30/03/2023 12:16

He is moving in by stealth!

Of course your daughter wants it to be the two of you. I am upset for your daughter. At this stage you and your bf should just be dating not having him there all the time and now his daughter!

I would end it.

LifeInAHamsterWheel · 30/03/2023 12:17

I don't know who I feel more sorry for - your DD or the little 5yr old Sad

Sloth66 · 30/03/2023 12:20

Your daughter has the measure of him and can see him for exactly who he is. A sponging cocklodger. He’s using you to save money on rent, and now childcare, to avoid maintenance. You know you will end up caring for this 5 year old?
Also I suspect this man’s father is delighted to be rid of him most of the time.

Your poor daughter has told you her views on him, you’ve chosen not to listen.

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