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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU My Boyfriend wants me to FULLY ACCEPT his 5 year daughter, but I believe I AM!

457 replies

MNF2021 · 30/03/2023 10:02

I have been seeing my partner for coming up to you a year and we don't currently live together (which is fine and we are both in agreement that we are no where ready to live together)

I have a 13 year old daughter who lives with me and in all honestly he is round at mine almost 7 nights per week(in the evenings and stays overnight) which in my eyes is practically living together. He gives me money towards my food shop every week but nothing else. I will state, I am fine with this as we don't live together, he doesn't shower at mine etc. and whether he was here or not my household bills would remain the same. He currently resides at his Dads.

My daughter who is 13 isn't very keen on him but has no reason not to be. It has been me and her for majority of her life and if she had it her way - she would have it just as US.

He used to have his daughter EVERY weekend and after some discussion, the arrangement has now changed to the following -

  • Every other weekend - Friday from school to drop off with the Mum at 7:00am in another City on Monday morning (meaning he waking his daughter up at around 6am to travel)
  • On the weekends he does not have her - he has her in the week Wednesday through to Friday and every morning dropping back at the Mum's in another City (Thursday AM and Friday AM) for the Mum to take her to school.

Personally I find the arrangement bizarre as it not in the best interest of the child, waking her up early and having her sit through a full a day at school being tired but he is adamant he wants a 50/50 split.

The issue comes in where I have a very demanding job and I have said when it comes to his daughter as she is so young, I am fine for her to stay around at mine some of the days when he has her but not everyday he has her. For example last week, he had her Wednesday through to Friday - I worked on Wednesday so didn't see them (my Partner and his daughter) but they stayed on Thursday. He then decided to have her Tuesday just gone (outside of the arrangement), so I said you will need her at your Dads. I said this because I see this an opportunity for me to spend 1 on 1 time with my daughter and also it's an adjustment having a young child her also.

He has now given me an ultimatum to say - Either accept me and my daughter fully as in we both should be able to come there as and when want or it's over!

He has said I would gladly have him there everyday if it was just him - so why is it any different when it is him and his daughter.

It's different because it's my personal space currently and we don't live together. Therefore I have a right to choose when I have people my home.

Sounds a little selfish, but I am at the point in my life where my daughter who is 13 is semi independent so it's not all the time I would want a youngster around. Baring in my mind, he 2 children by 2 different woman; therefore 2 different arrangements.

I am open to phasing this in and having her more gradually but it's going to take some time for me to adjust and we don't live together for a reason. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
carly2803 · 30/03/2023 12:21

have a world with yourself.
hes there 7 days a week? pays nothing towards the house and ha a space for him and his kid?

throw him back - this isnt the one for you!

Nailsandthesea · 30/03/2023 12:21

LifeInAHamsterWheel · 30/03/2023 12:17

I don't know who I feel more sorry for - your DD or the little 5yr old Sad

This and I’m not one to judge. He lives at his Dads he has children that he needs to spend time with 1-2-1. Your poor daughter - mine is 16 and I would never ever put a man before her - she can’t walk around and relax and have quality time with her mum as you put him first.

he is living with you - because he’s not living anywhere else

Macon · 30/03/2023 12:21

AndiOliversFan · 30/03/2023 10:10

2 kids by 2 different women and lives with his Dad. What a catch…

This.

And I feel sorry for both of the children in this dysfunctional set-up.

TattoedLady · 30/03/2023 12:24

He's round at yours almost 7 nights a week. Your daughter who is 13 isn't very keen on him. And now he wants to move his child in too.

You don't want a youngster around because "it's your personal space" yet you're happy enough to have a man in your house who makes your daughter feel uncomfortable.

Sounds a little selfish... yeah, it does.

PrincessScarlett · 30/03/2023 12:24

Sorry OP but I agree with everyone else that you need to prioritise your daughter.

Could you compromise and just have him staying a couple of nights a week rather than all week? I feel so sorry for your daughter, who is at a very difficult age with hormones and growing into a woman, having to share her safe space with a man she doesn't like every single night of the week.

BanditsGravyStain · 30/03/2023 12:25

I can see why you’ve gotten yourself into this position to be honest. You’re not willing to admit you’re at fault, not putting your daughter first and then spitting the dummy out when people call you out. People have given you some serious serious advise, I hope you take it seriously for the sake of your daughter.

jemimapuddlepluck · 30/03/2023 12:26

It's not negative energy, it's frustration at women making terrible choices time and time again, only thinking of their own need for a man, any man, instead of putting their kids first. It's depressing. Totally and utterly depressing. What is your 13 year old daughter learning? That women are there to facilitate shit men. It must be so frustrating for her.

jemimapuddlepluck · 30/03/2023 12:26
  • some women that should say
Raindancer411 · 30/03/2023 12:27

I would say bye bye then and have a lovely time having more time just you and your daughter personally. What other things will he then give you an ultimatum over in future?

Clymene · 30/03/2023 12:27

Everyone is wasting their time. The OP won't be back because she will always put cock before her child.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/03/2023 12:27

Get rid of the civil offer. Trying speaking to him the way you’re speaking to people on here who are trying to help you.

Your poor Dd. You need to put her first, and not have a man she doesn’t like and hardly knows in her house 7 days a week.

Embelline · 30/03/2023 12:29

It’s your daughter’s personal space as well OP. It really saddened me to read how quickly you dismissed the fact she isn’t keen on him.

AitchPeeVee · 30/03/2023 12:29

OP will very much regret ignoring this thread when her DD turns around in a few years time and walks out, goes NC and makes very clear that OP prioritising her vagina over her child is the reason why.

Gablonz · 30/03/2023 12:31

AitchPeeVee · 30/03/2023 12:29

OP will very much regret ignoring this thread when her DD turns around in a few years time and walks out, goes NC and makes very clear that OP prioritising her vagina over her child is the reason why.

And on one of the other threads we are not allowed to mention, the DD was already misbehaving at school. I feel really sorry for the DD and for the 5 year old who has a waster for a Dad.

BellePeppa · 30/03/2023 12:31

Personally I would split up. Your daughter should be coming first and the whole set seems complicated and messy. I would never put a man (especially one who’s not even their father) above my child!

HaveSomeIntrospect · 30/03/2023 12:31

You are not being unreasonable to not want his daughter at your house every time your boyfriend has her for visitation.

You do need quality time for your dd, it is important that she knows that this is time that you want to spend with her, not just time you have because your boyfriend Is not available.

BellePeppa · 30/03/2023 12:33

AitchPeeVee · 30/03/2023 12:29

OP will very much regret ignoring this thread when her DD turns around in a few years time and walks out, goes NC and makes very clear that OP prioritising her vagina over her child is the reason why.

I can’t tell you how much I despise women who do this (men as well but we’re talking about this thread). Any mother who prioritises her sex life with a ‘boyfriend’ over the well being of their child is not a good mother.

Delectable · 30/03/2023 12:38

I'm sorry OP but this guy adds nothing to you or your daughter.
Paying just for his dinner I show I see it but he's getting much more and will like his daughter to enjoy it too.

No. He should go.

WisherWood · 30/03/2023 12:40

Well, on the off chance that you do come back OP, I'll tell you this. When I started dating my DP his daughter was a little younger than yours is now, and living with him 5 days a week. I only stayed over when she was at her mum's, so generally only 1 night a week. I have my own home that I pay for. We're a few years in now and his daughter is actually at his full time now. I still only stay 1 or 2 nights a week, but it is now when she's there, as the relationship is established and she's happy with that. Also, she needs someone to watch Disney films with and he falls asleep

When I met her, she liked me but she didn't like my relationship with her father. And I think that's a key difference. She was jealous of the relationship and worried it wouldn't last. She got on fine with me as a person. So we took it slowly and now the three of us get on fine.

It might seem like people are being harsh but I think they're just giving it to you straight. No-one expects you to be perfect. But this man sounds like a waste of space who doesn't properly care for either of his children. He's moved in with you and now wants to strongarm you into having his daughter there. Tell him to fuck off.

dancinfeet · 30/03/2023 12:42

why is he there 7 nights a week?? spend some time with your daughter- no wonder she feels a bit pushed out, he is there all the time! until you make the commitment to properly move in together, that is

Nanny0gg · 30/03/2023 12:43

MNF2021 · 30/03/2023 11:50

Thank you for trying to sympathise.

I am only responding to positive comments on here - we are not perfect hence me writing on this platform for support. Not for my past to be dragged up.

For all of you have given advise - thank you. For those who have just wanted to pick me apart - Up yours!

Show quote history

Why bother?

You're proving my point about your attitude. If you only want people to agree with you you're wasting your time (and ours)

You don't need sympathy, you need a kick up the backside

TruthsAndALie · 30/03/2023 12:45

^This

Gablonz · 30/03/2023 12:46

You don't need sympathy, you need a kick up the backside

Well said @Nanny0gg

knittingaddict · 30/03/2023 12:47

"Up yours" and "hun"? What a delight you are op.

mybeautifuloak · 30/03/2023 12:48

OP your other threads give us an insight into the whole scenario beyond the edited version you are giving here. Of course they are relevant to this thread