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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU My Boyfriend wants me to FULLY ACCEPT his 5 year daughter, but I believe I AM!

457 replies

MNF2021 · 30/03/2023 10:02

I have been seeing my partner for coming up to you a year and we don't currently live together (which is fine and we are both in agreement that we are no where ready to live together)

I have a 13 year old daughter who lives with me and in all honestly he is round at mine almost 7 nights per week(in the evenings and stays overnight) which in my eyes is practically living together. He gives me money towards my food shop every week but nothing else. I will state, I am fine with this as we don't live together, he doesn't shower at mine etc. and whether he was here or not my household bills would remain the same. He currently resides at his Dads.

My daughter who is 13 isn't very keen on him but has no reason not to be. It has been me and her for majority of her life and if she had it her way - she would have it just as US.

He used to have his daughter EVERY weekend and after some discussion, the arrangement has now changed to the following -

  • Every other weekend - Friday from school to drop off with the Mum at 7:00am in another City on Monday morning (meaning he waking his daughter up at around 6am to travel)
  • On the weekends he does not have her - he has her in the week Wednesday through to Friday and every morning dropping back at the Mum's in another City (Thursday AM and Friday AM) for the Mum to take her to school.

Personally I find the arrangement bizarre as it not in the best interest of the child, waking her up early and having her sit through a full a day at school being tired but he is adamant he wants a 50/50 split.

The issue comes in where I have a very demanding job and I have said when it comes to his daughter as she is so young, I am fine for her to stay around at mine some of the days when he has her but not everyday he has her. For example last week, he had her Wednesday through to Friday - I worked on Wednesday so didn't see them (my Partner and his daughter) but they stayed on Thursday. He then decided to have her Tuesday just gone (outside of the arrangement), so I said you will need her at your Dads. I said this because I see this an opportunity for me to spend 1 on 1 time with my daughter and also it's an adjustment having a young child her also.

He has now given me an ultimatum to say - Either accept me and my daughter fully as in we both should be able to come there as and when want or it's over!

He has said I would gladly have him there everyday if it was just him - so why is it any different when it is him and his daughter.

It's different because it's my personal space currently and we don't live together. Therefore I have a right to choose when I have people my home.

Sounds a little selfish, but I am at the point in my life where my daughter who is 13 is semi independent so it's not all the time I would want a youngster around. Baring in my mind, he 2 children by 2 different woman; therefore 2 different arrangements.

I am open to phasing this in and having her more gradually but it's going to take some time for me to adjust and we don't live together for a reason. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
FartSock5000 · 30/03/2023 11:35

What an absolute cock lodger!

Chuck this one back. He is taking you for an utter mug.

He wants you to give up your home, time and resources to him and his daughter when you've been together a year? Who does he think he is making any demands on you when you've already bent over backwards to be nice and you let her stay?

Your daughter may be on to something by not liking this user.

EggBlanket · 30/03/2023 11:35

The two kids are the losers in this situation. The OP’s child is being forced to live with a man that she doesn’t like, despite OP claiming they don’t live together and they’re “not ready” to live together. And the partner’s young child who gets shipped back and forth several times per week with no bed to call her own. This kid must be exhausted and disorientated.

Neither adult is doing what’s best for their child. The OP is ignoring her daughter’s feelings. Her useless partner should have relocated to be near to his child (children?!) so their life is less disrupted.

C8H10N4O2 · 30/03/2023 11:36

Kick the deadbeat into touch. He is living with you but not paying toward bills, your daughter is unhappy with the arrangement and he is avoiding CMS by bringing his daughter to live with you half the week as well.

Just because he keeps a (free?) room at his Dad's place doesn't mean he lives there. He is taking you for a ride.

LAMPS1 · 30/03/2023 11:37

Use this golden opportunity he has presented you with, (accepting his ultimatum,) to get rid of him.
He’s using you already and intends to use you more now that he has his feet firmly under your table (your daughter’s table too)
Do what’s right by your own daughter before you think about what’s right for his. His daughter isn’t your responsibility in any way.
So take him at his word and choose the offer he makes that it’s all over.
And thank him very much for presenting you with the perfect solution.

AdoraBell · 30/03/2023 11:37

YANBU.

HaveSomeIntrospect · 30/03/2023 11:38

Your boyfriend of 1 year is staying at your house 7 nights a week. He may contribute towards food costs but is that it? Is he cooking and cleaning and contributing in all of the ways that count when you live with someone? He is a cocklodger

Original poster
MNF2021 · 30/03/2023 11:41

Are you that pathetic, commenting on my previous posts. I am talking about this post alone and WILL NOT entertain any previous topics.

OP posts:
taxpayer1 · 30/03/2023 11:43

OP is delusional. we are both in agreement that we are nowhere ready to live together. 😂😂

gamerchick · 30/03/2023 11:43

You've had plenty of posts going on this thread alone OP.

MzHz · 30/03/2023 11:44

Ponderoveryonder · 30/03/2023 10:04

I’m not surprised your daughter isn’t keen on him. Are you sure she has NO reason?

Yeah, i think she can see the wood for the trees... he's AWFUL @MNF2021

Bin this idiot for the love of all things holy.

Laurdo · 30/03/2023 11:47

So many red flags here!

I understand people can fall on hard times but he has 2 kids and he's living at his dad's. Time to get his shit together I think.

I find it a bit strange that he drops his DD off to her mum for her to get her ready for school. Would it not be easier for him just to get her ready and drop her off at school?

I don't necessarily agree that you shouldn't have him over if your DD doesn't like him. It's quite a common thing for kids to claim to dislike new partners when they've been used to having their parent to themselves. However in this situation, given how he behaves I would be inclined to take her concerns seriously.

I have a 5yo. They're hard work sometimes and require a fair bit of attention. You definitely can't just chill as you would with a 13yo. Ultimately it's up to you who you have in your home. And it's not like you've said she's not welcome, you just don't want her there constantly which is completely understandable. Maybe he should get his own place then he can call the shots on who comes and goes from there.

I'd throw this one back! There's nothing attractive about a man who can't stand on his own 2 feet yet expects everyone to pander to his wants.

happysingleversary · 30/03/2023 11:48

MNF2021 · 30/03/2023 11:41

Are you that pathetic, commenting on my previous posts. I am talking about this post alone and WILL NOT entertain any previous topics.

Entertain putting your daughter first then.

Are you expecting or hoping she will move out at 18? That's what I did and never looked back.

I couldn't imagine losing my daughter at that age. I want her around as long as possible.

She's probably going to end up shacking up with a really horrible guy just to get away from the one you've moved in on her. It's not right. YOu should be a parent first and a girlfriend second but you're doing the opposite.

teacakie · 30/03/2023 11:50

MNF2021 · 30/03/2023 11:41

Are you that pathetic, commenting on my previous posts. I am talking about this post alone and WILL NOT entertain any previous topics.

That's what you have taken from near 200 replies?

JorisBonson · 30/03/2023 11:50

MNF2021 · 30/03/2023 11:41

Are you that pathetic, commenting on my previous posts. I am talking about this post alone and WILL NOT entertain any previous topics.

Yeah, cos that's the real problem here.

Your poor kid.

Original poster
MNF2021 · 30/03/2023 11:50

euff · 30/03/2023 10:41

I think some of the responses are harsh on you.

You are right to guard and protect your personal space though him being able to come and go as he pleases and that generally staying over 7 days a week seems not to be doing that. He sleeps at your pretty much every day then showers at his dads / gym/ work?

He contributes to your food bill and in return you cook and feed him 7 days a week. He pays no cm by having his daughter 50/50 but he doesn't want to parent or feed or entertain her on his own during that time? She and her grandfather don't enjoy spending any time together?

Is he just pretending that he is fine not to move in together at the moment but that's his longer time plan where you will raise his daughter and he's pretty much doing it anyway?

With that ultimatum I would at the minimum be backing off for a while and getting some space from him.

Thank you for trying to sympathise.

I am only responding to positive comments on here - we are not perfect hence me writing on this platform for support. Not for my past to be dragged up.

For all of you have given advise - thank you. For those who have just wanted to pick me apart - Up yours!

OP posts:
TomHanksIsFuckingAmazing · 30/03/2023 11:50

He's a fucking loser

P3N · 30/03/2023 11:51

I think you need to end this now.
You don't have to accept anything you don't want to. Your DD is already explaining how she's not happy with him being there all the time. He's already moved in practically. It's not an equal relationship. I'd call it a day.

Gablonz · 30/03/2023 11:51

MNF2021 · 30/03/2023 11:41

Are you that pathetic, commenting on my previous posts. I am talking about this post alone and WILL NOT entertain any previous topics.

How rude.
The majority of people have been trying to help you - yes, there's been some tough love but sounds like you need that.
I didn't bother to check your posting history until you posted this having a go at someone for commenting about previous posts. Naturally I was curious.
You WON'T entertain any previous topics, but I'm saying it anyway, a quick look at the previous topics suggests that you do have issues setting and maintaining boundaries - the one about your Mum turning up whenever she likes. The same thing is happening here with this guy.
You really need to think about what you do and don't want to happen, but the boundaries in place and stick to them.
Eg. Boyfriend can stay from Monday to Wednesday but not on other days of the week so that you and your daughter have space. He does not bring his DD to yours, he needs to have contact at his Dad's. It is too early in the relationship for this anyway. And then stick to what you have decided - he can choose to flounce off if he likes but that's his issue.

furryfrontbottom · 30/03/2023 11:51

Do you really think he would be with you if you didn't have a house?

TennisWithDeborah · 30/03/2023 11:52

He’s a financial genius, I’ll give him that. Rocking between his dad’s house and yours with minimal expenditure, and paying no child maintenance because he’s engineered an equal custody split. A clever man.

But your perceptive daughter has the measure of him !

CiderJolly · 30/03/2023 11:53

Yeah I’ve read the history now too, is this prize among men the same one who got you pregnant and left? And you have the cheek to say your daughter has no reason not to like him? You’re living in fantasy land.

Eatentoomanyroses · 30/03/2023 11:54

So there are a heck of a lot of problems with blending families together. You’ve got issues with exes, adults trying to parent children that they don’t love like their own, contact arrangements that can mean lots of travel and logistical organisation that impact on family life, children who don’t get on with eachother, jealousies… it just goes on and on. You have to really look at if having this person in your life and in your home is adding enough to yours and your child’s quality of life to make it worth putting up with some/ all of those issues. From what I can see he’s not going to add anything financially and he’s not going to forge a decent relationship with your daughter so all your left with is a bit of sex and company for you. Even that will go sour eventually because he’s clearly a selfish cocklodger as others have said.

GG1986 · 30/03/2023 11:54

He sounds like a that! Trying to play happy families, yet doesn't contribute to your household bills and thinks he can just come and go whenever he likes. Your daughter doesn't like him, listen to her.

Original poster
MNF2021 · 30/03/2023 11:54

teacakie · 30/03/2023 11:50

That's what you have taken from near 200 replies?

Show quote history

I think you need to put your negative energy into other things hun.

OP posts:
mincedtart · 30/03/2023 11:54

MNF2021 · 30/03/2023 11:50

Thank you for trying to sympathise.

I am only responding to positive comments on here - we are not perfect hence me writing on this platform for support. Not for my past to be dragged up.

For all of you have given advise - thank you. For those who have just wanted to pick me apart - Up yours!

Show quote history

Never quite understand the intention behind the phrase “we are not perfect”. Is it supposed to justify all of these terrible decisions that most of us wouldn’t make?

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