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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU My Boyfriend wants me to FULLY ACCEPT his 5 year daughter, but I believe I AM!

457 replies

MNF2021 · 30/03/2023 10:02

I have been seeing my partner for coming up to you a year and we don't currently live together (which is fine and we are both in agreement that we are no where ready to live together)

I have a 13 year old daughter who lives with me and in all honestly he is round at mine almost 7 nights per week(in the evenings and stays overnight) which in my eyes is practically living together. He gives me money towards my food shop every week but nothing else. I will state, I am fine with this as we don't live together, he doesn't shower at mine etc. and whether he was here or not my household bills would remain the same. He currently resides at his Dads.

My daughter who is 13 isn't very keen on him but has no reason not to be. It has been me and her for majority of her life and if she had it her way - she would have it just as US.

He used to have his daughter EVERY weekend and after some discussion, the arrangement has now changed to the following -

  • Every other weekend - Friday from school to drop off with the Mum at 7:00am in another City on Monday morning (meaning he waking his daughter up at around 6am to travel)
  • On the weekends he does not have her - he has her in the week Wednesday through to Friday and every morning dropping back at the Mum's in another City (Thursday AM and Friday AM) for the Mum to take her to school.

Personally I find the arrangement bizarre as it not in the best interest of the child, waking her up early and having her sit through a full a day at school being tired but he is adamant he wants a 50/50 split.

The issue comes in where I have a very demanding job and I have said when it comes to his daughter as she is so young, I am fine for her to stay around at mine some of the days when he has her but not everyday he has her. For example last week, he had her Wednesday through to Friday - I worked on Wednesday so didn't see them (my Partner and his daughter) but they stayed on Thursday. He then decided to have her Tuesday just gone (outside of the arrangement), so I said you will need her at your Dads. I said this because I see this an opportunity for me to spend 1 on 1 time with my daughter and also it's an adjustment having a young child her also.

He has now given me an ultimatum to say - Either accept me and my daughter fully as in we both should be able to come there as and when want or it's over!

He has said I would gladly have him there everyday if it was just him - so why is it any different when it is him and his daughter.

It's different because it's my personal space currently and we don't live together. Therefore I have a right to choose when I have people my home.

Sounds a little selfish, but I am at the point in my life where my daughter who is 13 is semi independent so it's not all the time I would want a youngster around. Baring in my mind, he 2 children by 2 different woman; therefore 2 different arrangements.

I am open to phasing this in and having her more gradually but it's going to take some time for me to adjust and we don't live together for a reason. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 30/03/2023 11:10

7 days a week in your home and your daughter doesn't like him?

Shameful behaviour by any parent.

You must be utterly desperate for a man to sacrifice your daughters comfort and security for this user loser.

Do better OP.

Your daughter deserves better from you than this.

Squamata · 30/03/2023 11:11

I would bet a lot of money that he's committed to 50/50 split so he can pay less to his ex. That set up doesn't work for his daughter at all, the poor girl being moved around the place from mum to grandad to some random girlfriend.

Why doesn't he have his own place?

Hydrangeatea · 30/03/2023 11:11

Christ....🙄🙄🙄

WalkingOnTheCracks · 30/03/2023 11:12

There are a whole lot of AIBUs in this one post, but the first and most important one, I'd say, is...

AIBU to have a bloke in my daughter's home 'almost seven nights a week' when she doesn't like him?

Run that one on its own and see how it goes.

IncompleteSenten · 30/03/2023 11:14

Hahaha.
Course he does.
Round at your all the time, you take on his responsibilities for his children.
So he practically lives at yours, chucks you a bit of grocery money and you take care of the rest, and now he wants you to take his kids on too.
How much housework does he do in 'not his house that he lives in anyway'?

He thinks you're a mug.

How come your 13 year old can see something you can't?

SwordToFlamethrower · 30/03/2023 11:15

Just interested in who does all the cooking OP?

JudgeRudy · 30/03/2023 11:15

When do you get to stay over at his house? Oh wait you don't. Now he has you to provide a home, meals and a homely environment he elects to see his child extra nights.
He is a COCKLODGER of the highest order and now adds manipulative emotional abuser into the mix.
DUMP

Gablonz · 30/03/2023 11:15

He's moved in by stealth
And I'd hazard a guess that at some point he'll turn into a full-on cocklodger. He's at yours most of the time and has his child over to yours when he has contact which is 50:50.
The relationship has been going less than a year. He knows perfectly well you don't want him to move in yet as that has been discussed and I think it's far too early to move a man in when you have a child. So he moves in by stealth and then starts making demands.
He's manipulating you by claiming you are happy to have him there every day when it's just him. And then he says this:

He has now given me an ultimatum to say - Either accept me and my daughter fully as in we both should be able to come there as and when want or it's over!

Frankly I'd just ditch him. He's taking the piss. He should be at his Dad's where he's supposed to be living while he has his daughter. Not cocklodging at yours and hoping you won't notice. Won't be long until you're looking after his child when he's supposed to be doing it. There'll be some kind of work emergency where he needs to work longer and you'll be asked to provide spontaneous childcare.

And last but certainly not least, and in fact the most important thing of all, your child is not keen on him so therefore he shouldn't be living with you. Get rid of him OP.

Eyerollcentral · 30/03/2023 11:18

Ponderoveryonder · 30/03/2023 10:04

I’m not surprised your daughter isn’t keen on him. Are you sure she has NO reason?

This. Why does your daughter need a reason not to like him? You sound domineering. He sounds like a bit of waster. It’s the children I feel sorry for, especially the little five year old who is flung from pillar to post and having to stay at the house of some woman and a teenager who she will know don’t really want her there, just so her dad can get a shag on the nights he has her. You probably should both focus on your children and they are a very distant second for you both at the moment

krustykittens · 30/03/2023 11:18

He has moved in by stealth, now he wants to move his kid in too. He is adamant on 50/50 so he doesn't pay CM. Where is the other child by another woman in this scenario? Will he expect you to house them too? He is a pushy, mentally and financially abusive twat. That is why your DD doesn't like him. Dump him and find a man who prioritises you both and can pay his own way.

Emotionalsupportviper · 30/03/2023 11:18

Ponderoveryonder · 30/03/2023 10:04

I’m not surprised your daughter isn’t keen on him. Are you sure she has NO reason?

This.

I would tell him to sling his hook, myself. His child, his responsibility - not yours. He has no right to try to cll the shots in your home, and this will make your own DD increasingly uncomfortable.

Decide what YOU want with regard to his DD (and to him for that matter) but I would suggest that you have at least a couple of nights a week when he ISN'T there, so that it is just you and your daughter. She must feel crowded out of her own home already - letting him bring his young child into your home and giving them priority will be even worse for her.

If he feels you are unreasonable and he wants to break up - let him go. You'll find smoke with more respect for you. He has none.

Tabitha888 · 30/03/2023 11:19

Listen to your child

Lostinthesouth · 30/03/2023 11:21

Hard though it may sound, your 13 year old is your complete priority, not the easiest years of her/your life either.

TruthsAndALie · 30/03/2023 11:23

FFS OP 🙄

CiderJolly · 30/03/2023 11:25

He is a nob and I feel sorry for your daughter, who at 13, needs some privacy without mum’s douche bag, waste of space, man child in her home all the time.

You might be ok with him cock-lodging but it’s setting a shite example for your daughter.

I hope you laughed at his ultimatum before telling him to jog on.

AmandaHoldensLips · 30/03/2023 11:25

He sounds like a real prize. He wants 50/50 so that he doesn't have to pay any child maintenance. Yet he wants YOU to house and look after his child because it suits him not to have to provide all that himself.

If I was your daughter, I wouldn't like him much either.

Back2front · 30/03/2023 11:29

"Hi CF boyfriend, this isn't working for me and my daughter. Bye Bye"

GrinAndVomit · 30/03/2023 11:30

I think it’s really unfair that that you’re uncomfortable with his daughter being there less than half the time but you don’t have any empathy for your daughter who is uncomfortable in having him there almost all the time.
Where is her respite?
Where is her space?

happysingleversary · 30/03/2023 11:30

Stopped reading at daughter isn't keen.

No reason not to be? Whatever her reason it's her reason and you should be putting her first.

beachcomber70 · 30/03/2023 11:31

I was that 12/13 and upwards child. He was an idiot and went on to make my mothers life unhappy [and to make a disgusting sexual advance to me when I was older -'I knew it']. Her choice of choosing not to be single and 'having a man' ruined our relationship.
Your cock lodging 'partner' is a loser, blatantly using you, and I feel immensely sorry for your daughter and his.

qpmz · 30/03/2023 11:31

OP, it's unlikely you're going to dump him based on the responses here. What you can do is reduce the number of days he stays with you so it's no more than 3 nights a week. That way you get quality time with your lovely daughter for more than half the week. She will hopefully open up so you understand why she dislikes your boyfriend.

JFDIYOLO · 30/03/2023 11:31

Your daughter is not the only one who isn't too keen on him, is she

She's also the one doing the adulting in your house

MrsMontyD · 30/03/2023 11:32

My DP has recently moved in with me and DD after more than 4 years together, if she'd had any objections it wouldn't have happened, in fact the relationship wouldn't have got to this stage if she didn't like him.

He's a cocklodger, looking for someone to house him and wash his pants.

Don't be another one of those women who put having a man before they're dc.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 30/03/2023 11:33

He's a cocklodger op and he's now bringing his dd into the equation.

Take him up in his offer and tell him he can't stay over with his dd and see how he reacts. If he respected you and your home he'd understand just what a huge ask this is, this is your and your dd's home and he's treating it (and you both) badly

diddl · 30/03/2023 11:35

YABU to even entertain this.

Get rid FFS!