AIBU My Boyfriend wants me to FULLY ACCEPT his 5 year daughter, but I believe I AM!

[MNF2021]

I have been seeing my partner for coming up to you a year and we don't currently live together (which is fine and we are both in agreement that we are no where ready to live together)

I have a 13 year old daughter who lives with me and in all honestly he is round at mine almost 7 nights per week(in the evenings and stays overnight) which in my eyes is practically living together. He gives me money towards my food shop every week but nothing else. I will state, I am fine with this as we don't live together, he doesn't shower at mine etc. and whether he was here or not my household bills would remain the same. He currently resides at his Dads.

My daughter who is 13 isn't very keen on him but has no reason not to be. It has been me and her for majority of her life and if she had it her way - she would have it just as US.

He used to have his daughter EVERY weekend and after some discussion, the arrangement has now changed to the following -

• Every other weekend - Friday from school to drop off with the Mum at 7:00am in another City on Monday morning (meaning he waking his daughter up at around 6am to travel)
• On the weekends he does not have her - he has her in the week Wednesday through to Friday and every morning dropping back at the Mum's in another City (Thursday AM and Friday AM) for the Mum to take her to school.

Personally I find the arrangement bizarre as it not in the best interest of the child, waking her up early and having her sit through a full a day at school being tired but he is adamant he wants a 50/50 split.

The issue comes in where I have a very demanding job and I have said when it comes to his daughter as she is so young, I am fine for her to stay around at mine some of the days when he has her but not everyday he has her. For example last week, he had her Wednesday through to Friday - I worked on Wednesday so didn't see them (my Partner and his daughter) but they stayed on Thursday. He then decided to have her Tuesday just gone (outside of the arrangement), so I said you will need her at your Dads. I said this because I see this an opportunity for me to spend 1 on 1 time with my daughter and also it's an adjustment having a young child her also.

He has now given me an ultimatum to say - Either accept me and my daughter fully as in we both should be able to come there as and when want or it's over!

He has said I would gladly have him there everyday if it was just him - so why is it any different when it is him and his daughter.

It's different because it's my personal space currently and we don't live together. Therefore I have a right to choose when I have people my home.

Sounds a little selfish, but I am at the point in my life where my daughter who is 13 is semi independent so it's not all the time I would want a youngster around. Baring in my mind, he 2 children by 2 different woman; therefore 2 different arrangements.

I am open to phasing this in and having her more gradually but it's going to take some time for me to adjust and we don't live together for a reason. Am I being unreasonable?

You've been together a year and he's in your house every single day and you can't work out why your DD isn't happy with that. YABU for that 100%.

I would never have a boyfriend my kids didn’t like

my mother did that and it was fucking horrific. I think you’re hang out of order for that alone.

Congratulations on your new cock lodger and stepdaughter. Very generous of you to pay for their accommodation, electricity, gas, and Wi-Fi in return for a bit of food, and to prioritise your cock lodger over your daughter. Well done.

it's not all the time I would want a youngster around

Sigh. Reading that sentence. I'm going to speak from a place of long and bitter experience, here: End it now, avoid a scenario where you ruin the little one's life without even realising it.

You write this about yourself:

It's different because it's my personal space currently and we don't live together. Therefore I have a right to choose when I have people my home

Imagine it's your daughter saying that. You don't want a child there for more hours because it impinges on your personal space. But your daughter is expected to accept another adult?

I know you said you're not coming back, but I really hope you do @MNF2021.
Other posters have been harsh in their responses - but they're right. Forget the other child for the moment. Concentrate on what your child is telling you.

But you do live together. The sneaky fucker has moved in by stealth.

Without asking, or paying his way. Stop thinking he's not affecting your bills - the fact that he pays for a bit of food is nonsense. What about heating? Wear and tear? Water use? I presume you've told your insurer he's basically living there? what about affect on council tax - if he's there ALL WEEK and now wants his daughter there too, despite you putting reasonable boundaries in place, you won't have the 25% single person discount.

he's already taken a mile and now he's pushing for more.

i think you need to relegate him back to being a BOYFRIEND who isn't hanging around your daughter every single bloody day, and move him back out.

you never agreed to this, he's not paying his way, and now he wants to foist a blended family on you all?

tell him to fuck off.

i'm outraged on your daughter's behalf here - her private safe space has been invaded for long enough and it's only now he's taking even more of the piss and impacting YOU in your home that you have a think?!

separate out your boyfriend with your living arrangements. you've sleep walked into merging them.

Sounds like he wants everything on his terms. You need to discuss moving in together properly, with him contributing properly, if he wants to fully treat your place like his home.

I feel sorry for both kids in this situation.

In particular his dd. Poor little one being passed around like a parcel, no thought to how she feels about that at all. It makes me sad to think she has no stability.

If you were 100% into this relationship, you’d be putting his little girl higher up in your list of priorities, but you don’t seem to care that much about her.

I think you should split from him tbh.

Camping at his dads, moving in by stealth but not offering to pay his way, bet he does no chores either. Demanding 50/50 with his daughter despite it clearly not being in her best interest and having no actual home for her, no doubt so he doesn't have to pay child support. Now demanding you take her in (and pay for her too). No wonder your daughter doesnt like him, children can be very perceptive. What a prince.

Whaat I see a reason what set alarm bells ringing in your daughtees mind- he is a fully grown man with a child and sofa surfs either at his dads or his current girlfriends house and has his daughter tagging slong? Thats to lame.

I would be put off by the fact he doesn’t have somewhere to live. The way he is living must be confusing for his 5 year old too. 3 houses in one week for her. I would need him to arrange his own home then you could maybe just stay at each other’s when you don’t have the children or not as much. That way the children's needs come first. I think your daughter deserves a bit of space from him.

My friend moved her bloke in and her daughter hates him. He lost his job and became alcoholic. Now she can't get rid of him. He stays up all night playing video games and she works and provides for him during the day. Fuck only knows why. She cannot get rid of him and the daughter grew up not speaking to her mum

Just. Saying.

A relationship has to work for both of you. It does not matter whether we think it reasonable, if that is the way he wants to live he needs to have a partner who will accept him on those terms. You can both choose to walk away or agree to what the other wants. I think it sounds odd that he wants to bring his daughter with him when he visits you though, and agree that is not great for the child unless she is really welcome.

That's heartbreaking. That poor girl.

(Poor friend, too - but is there nothing she can do? Change locks give him notice etc?)

I dont get women who do this, someone i know got together with a guy who is a time waster just like your guy- they were together,he moved in from his dads to her council house, she spent thousands on him by food gifts etc,he started to boss around her daughter, dumped her when she got pregnant, demanded her to have the A thing, she miscarried.. aaaand she has taken him back. Like seeeriously isnt it better to be single than hang around with a waste if space. Your daughter can not get away from him either if he spends every evening/night at yours, its her home too not just yours. Why dosent he grow up and rent a place for himself and his daughters visits,and you could visit him without cornering your daughter every day with a person she dosent like.

Useless fucker breaks up with/is chucked out by mother of his child cause he's a useless fucker. Moves in with his Dad cause he's too useless to get his own accommodation. Wants to go 50-50 access cause he can't be arsed to pay child maintenance either. Can't be arsed to look after his child on his own. Moves in on woman to accommodation away from his Dad's, and to provide meals, utilities, sex, company, and share childcare for his child. Is coercing new gf to do this now she's dared to question it.

What a new and shocking story.

Another charmer who only wants 100% agreement with her shit life choices. I feel sorry for your daughter.

Your daughter can not get away from him either if he spends every evening/night at yours, its her home too not just yours.

Exactly.

And within only a year.

Sorry but that's not actually good parenting.

total dysfunction on a plate

Only read the OP's (increasingly childish) comments and am really wondering what the point was in starting this thread. Only bothered about "positive" comments? So just continue to do whatever you want irrespectively of your child's needs and don't ask anyone else for their opinion 🤷‍♀️

As always, just feeling sorry for the poor kid who has no choice but to put up with mum's boyfriend hanging round like a bad smell making her unhappy in her own home.

Same OP will probably be back in 10 years nonplussed as to why her daughter is has chosen to go NC

Feel for the child.

He's using you.. there.
Get some self respect and kick his arse to the curb.
Just feel sorry there's a 5 year old involved in this.

You both have to accept each others children 100% or call it a day. How would you like it, as a mother, if he was not accepting of your daughter?

Bin him off

Sheesh.