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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU My Boyfriend wants me to FULLY ACCEPT his 5 year daughter, but I believe I AM!

457 replies

MNF2021 · 30/03/2023 10:02

I have been seeing my partner for coming up to you a year and we don't currently live together (which is fine and we are both in agreement that we are no where ready to live together)

I have a 13 year old daughter who lives with me and in all honestly he is round at mine almost 7 nights per week(in the evenings and stays overnight) which in my eyes is practically living together. He gives me money towards my food shop every week but nothing else. I will state, I am fine with this as we don't live together, he doesn't shower at mine etc. and whether he was here or not my household bills would remain the same. He currently resides at his Dads.

My daughter who is 13 isn't very keen on him but has no reason not to be. It has been me and her for majority of her life and if she had it her way - she would have it just as US.

He used to have his daughter EVERY weekend and after some discussion, the arrangement has now changed to the following -

  • Every other weekend - Friday from school to drop off with the Mum at 7:00am in another City on Monday morning (meaning he waking his daughter up at around 6am to travel)
  • On the weekends he does not have her - he has her in the week Wednesday through to Friday and every morning dropping back at the Mum's in another City (Thursday AM and Friday AM) for the Mum to take her to school.

Personally I find the arrangement bizarre as it not in the best interest of the child, waking her up early and having her sit through a full a day at school being tired but he is adamant he wants a 50/50 split.

The issue comes in where I have a very demanding job and I have said when it comes to his daughter as she is so young, I am fine for her to stay around at mine some of the days when he has her but not everyday he has her. For example last week, he had her Wednesday through to Friday - I worked on Wednesday so didn't see them (my Partner and his daughter) but they stayed on Thursday. He then decided to have her Tuesday just gone (outside of the arrangement), so I said you will need her at your Dads. I said this because I see this an opportunity for me to spend 1 on 1 time with my daughter and also it's an adjustment having a young child her also.

He has now given me an ultimatum to say - Either accept me and my daughter fully as in we both should be able to come there as and when want or it's over!

He has said I would gladly have him there everyday if it was just him - so why is it any different when it is him and his daughter.

It's different because it's my personal space currently and we don't live together. Therefore I have a right to choose when I have people my home.

Sounds a little selfish, but I am at the point in my life where my daughter who is 13 is semi independent so it's not all the time I would want a youngster around. Baring in my mind, he 2 children by 2 different woman; therefore 2 different arrangements.

I am open to phasing this in and having her more gradually but it's going to take some time for me to adjust and we don't live together for a reason. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
ItsHardknocklife · 30/03/2023 13:24

OP can't stand the fact she's been called out and has run away 🤦🏻‍♀️ tbh I wouldn't be chucking pathetic around cos you know you can't even put your own child first! Harsh but true 🤷‍♀️

AllIwantforChristmas22 · 30/03/2023 13:25

And yet another post where a child’s feelings are dismissed over some new exciting BF who is actually a lazy loser and a cocklodger.

AnotherEmma · 30/03/2023 13:26

teacakie · 30/03/2023 10:08

Your 13 year old isn't keen on him yet you have him almost living with you Hmm

Have a word with yourself.

This

GCAcademic · 30/03/2023 13:26

Oh dear, seems the OP was under the impression that this forum exists to validate her choosing cock over her child.

Gablonz · 30/03/2023 13:27

viques · 30/03/2023 13:23

Bye. Looking forward to the next episode of “ My Sad Life with a Loser”.

Is it the one where the OP discovers she is pregnant despite taking every contraceptive known to woman? oops, sorry, spoiler alert.

Show quote history

Already had that one with a previous boyfriend.

Crumpleton · 30/03/2023 13:28

we don't currently live together (which is fine and we are both in agreement that we are no where ready to live together)

he is round at mine almost 7 nights per week(in the evenings and stays overnight) which in my eyes is practically living together.

To be fair I haven't read all the thread....
Based on the fact that my DH is also at our house 7 nights per week and stays overnight I'd say you're living together, you may just not notice he's moving in but not wanting to contribute to his fair share of the outgoings.

Unless your daughter dislikes everyone that you have been in a relationship with it could be that she wants to continue being just the two of you, and while I don't think she should dictate who you have a relationship with she really does need to be included in decisions like having a five year old move into the home she lives in as it could affect her in many ways.

I also find it odd that your DP can't drop his DD off at school himself. Has the mum told people that DD's dad isn't in her life?

IMO ultimatums are never a good thing...he's affectively say put up and shut up or we're over.

2bazookas · 30/03/2023 13:32

Red flag. He's a user, trying to control you. No doubt he's currently controlling his ex, via that bizarre child contact arrangement

My daughter who is 13 isn't very keen on him but has no reason not to be

Oh yes she does. You should trust her gut instinct; it's clearly better attuned to him than yours.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/03/2023 13:34

You need to prioritise your DD. She is going through puberty, about to hit the GCSE years, loads of peer pressure and has told you she is unhappy with this arrangement.

Yet you encourage him to stay over EVERY NIGHT!? And now he wants to move his 5-year old in? Guess who will be doing the childcare... your poor DD.

I think he's is moving in stealthily and you need to either finish the relationship completely or limit it to a couple of nights a week.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 30/03/2023 13:36

OP, does your daughter have any other family that she can go to for a break? Or to live with?

I ask because she needs somebody in her corner. You're supposed to be that person but, you're not. You should be ashamed and putting things right, not asking for validation here for you in pandering to your 'boyfriend'.

His respect for you is lower than yours is for your daughter or for yourself even.

Villssev · 30/03/2023 13:38

I am only responding to positive comments on here

Im not surprised Op. why would you want to understand how utterly shit you are being to your daughter.

BessieSurtees · 30/03/2023 13:40

MNF2021 · 30/03/2023 11:50

Thank you for trying to sympathise.

I am only responding to positive comments on here - we are not perfect hence me writing on this platform for support. Not for my past to be dragged up.

For all of you have given advise - thank you. For those who have just wanted to pick me apart - Up yours!

Show quote history

You really need to direct that “up yours” to your cocklodger.

Wheresthebeach · 30/03/2023 13:42

In case you are still reading - he is taking advantage of you and you need to open you eyes and see how badly he is behaving. Ditch now

RayofSunshine18 · 30/03/2023 13:44

Did you consult your daughter when you moved him into her home?

My daughter was 3 when my partner started living with us, and even then I asked her almost daily if she was okay with him staying with us in, what is effectively, her home and her safe space.

She is nearly 5 now and I still sometimes ask if she is okay with it, as I want to make sure she feels happy in her own home. She loves him and actually asks for him on the days he isn't there but that is because we drip fed him into the house and made sure she felt happy and secure every step of the way.

You and your partner are both being unreasonable in not respecting your daughters wishes and more importantly, boundaries.

At the end of the day, your daughter doesn't like him and doesn't want him in her home. This should come first.

RedToothBrush · 30/03/2023 14:14

YABU for thinking this relationship should continue

There are problems with your daughter
There are problems with the cocklodging
There are problems with the 5 year old not fitting into your lifestyle.

Cheapasscrewtoprose · 30/03/2023 14:20

Why does he drop his daughter off at her mums on school mornings and not just take her to school?

Moveoverdarlin · 30/03/2023 14:21

Don’t know who to feel more sorry for. Your daughter for having a man she doesn’t like and random child in her home. Or his daughter for having to sleep at three different houses (yours, her mothers and her grandfathers) in the space of a week.

Your daughter is right, it would be nicer if it was just the two of you.

Newestname002 · 30/03/2023 14:23

@MNF2021

He's made it really easy for you by giving you an ultimatum. The clear answer to him is "Bye then" and remove from his possession any keys he has to your/your child's home.

This man doesn't sound anything like a catch and you'd be well shot of him. 🌹

noimaginationforausername · 30/03/2023 14:26

Two kids by two different women, neither of them are you and he lives with his Dad.. He sounds like a right catch!

Hankunamatata · 30/03/2023 14:27

I don't think there's a future.
He wants his dd 50% which is great but your at the stage with work and your own teen that you don't want a young child in house all the time - again fine. Plus he has another child who needs him.
Unless your going to keep this super casual and only see him when he doesn't have either of his kids?

ittakes2 · 30/03/2023 14:27

Sorry he sounds like a cock lodger.
in our family all step children are treated exactly the same as biological children - and yet I agree he is being unreasonable here - you are being perfectly sensible phasing things in if you see this as the best way forward for your and your daughters lifestyle and home

woodsandwaves · 30/03/2023 14:29

What about his other child? I can't see in your post about the arrangements for seeing them?

HelpNeeded7 · 30/03/2023 14:30

Just No to all of it

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 30/03/2023 14:33

AndiOliversFan · 30/03/2023 10:10

2 kids by 2 different women and lives with his Dad. What a catch…

This. His long term goal is for you to provide a home for him and a place to have his kids as and when suits him. Perhaps his father is not happy with all the comings and going at his. Your daughter dislikes him yet he is there almost permanently. Your daughter should come first in your decisions on this and it is sad that this waste of space who does not seem to bring much to this relationship is taking priority over her. He sounds pretty awful. His way or no way . Get rid as if he is such a twat and so controlling before he has moved in then it will only get worse if he does. Remember he has 2 kids with 2 women who have both kicked him to the curb

BeginningToLookALotLike · 30/03/2023 14:39

It's going to take some time for me to adjust

Where is your concern for your daughter? Are you just assuming that she will adjust?

BeckyBeehive · 30/03/2023 14:50

we don't currently live together (which is fine and we are both in agreement that we are no where ready to live together) Yeah, I bet he's in agreement. He gets board and lodgings 7 nights a week while paying no bills. Now he wants you to house and feed his child as well, again while paying no bills. He also doesn't want to meet your mother - probably because he doesn't see your relationship as serious. Honestly OP he's using you. You're just a resource for him.

I feel so sad and angry for your daughter. I read your other threads after you mentioned them (I didn't notice any other posters mention them). How many men have you moved into her home, apart from the 2 most recent ones?

Tell the cocklodger to stick his ultimatum where the sun don't shine and focus some of your emotional energy on your daughter. She needs you.

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