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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU My Boyfriend wants me to FULLY ACCEPT his 5 year daughter, but I believe I AM!

457 replies

MNF2021 · 30/03/2023 10:02

I have been seeing my partner for coming up to you a year and we don't currently live together (which is fine and we are both in agreement that we are no where ready to live together)

I have a 13 year old daughter who lives with me and in all honestly he is round at mine almost 7 nights per week(in the evenings and stays overnight) which in my eyes is practically living together. He gives me money towards my food shop every week but nothing else. I will state, I am fine with this as we don't live together, he doesn't shower at mine etc. and whether he was here or not my household bills would remain the same. He currently resides at his Dads.

My daughter who is 13 isn't very keen on him but has no reason not to be. It has been me and her for majority of her life and if she had it her way - she would have it just as US.

He used to have his daughter EVERY weekend and after some discussion, the arrangement has now changed to the following -

  • Every other weekend - Friday from school to drop off with the Mum at 7:00am in another City on Monday morning (meaning he waking his daughter up at around 6am to travel)
  • On the weekends he does not have her - he has her in the week Wednesday through to Friday and every morning dropping back at the Mum's in another City (Thursday AM and Friday AM) for the Mum to take her to school.

Personally I find the arrangement bizarre as it not in the best interest of the child, waking her up early and having her sit through a full a day at school being tired but he is adamant he wants a 50/50 split.

The issue comes in where I have a very demanding job and I have said when it comes to his daughter as she is so young, I am fine for her to stay around at mine some of the days when he has her but not everyday he has her. For example last week, he had her Wednesday through to Friday - I worked on Wednesday so didn't see them (my Partner and his daughter) but they stayed on Thursday. He then decided to have her Tuesday just gone (outside of the arrangement), so I said you will need her at your Dads. I said this because I see this an opportunity for me to spend 1 on 1 time with my daughter and also it's an adjustment having a young child her also.

He has now given me an ultimatum to say - Either accept me and my daughter fully as in we both should be able to come there as and when want or it's over!

He has said I would gladly have him there everyday if it was just him - so why is it any different when it is him and his daughter.

It's different because it's my personal space currently and we don't live together. Therefore I have a right to choose when I have people my home.

Sounds a little selfish, but I am at the point in my life where my daughter who is 13 is semi independent so it's not all the time I would want a youngster around. Baring in my mind, he 2 children by 2 different woman; therefore 2 different arrangements.

I am open to phasing this in and having her more gradually but it's going to take some time for me to adjust and we don't live together for a reason. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
JemimaTiggywinkles · 30/03/2023 12:49

OP, can you honestly not see the hypocrisy? You don't want his daughter there half of each week because you want to be able to relax in your own home. You are annoyed at him for not respecting your boundaries. Yet you aren't respecting your daughter's boundaries if you allowing your boyfriend to stay over every night.

Posters on this thread are exasperated because we see it time and time again - women putting their "need" for a man ahead of what their children need. Some were the child in the scenario and remember how hurtful it is to have a parent not care about your happiness. Some have watched as friends and / or family slowly destroy the relationships with their children. It is depressing, tbh.

AlexaFeedMyKids · 30/03/2023 12:50

So you don't want his DD in your house all the time but you're ok for him to be there all the time when your DD doesn't like him. If he was a true catch, and warming to your DD she would like him. He's clearly given her reason.....

BodenCardiganNot · 30/03/2023 12:51

I guess it's safe to assume that the father of the 13 year old is not in the picture. Otherwise she would be as well off to go and live with him, since her mother doesn't seem to care about her.

ButterCrackers · 30/03/2023 12:51

He has threatened you with the end of the relationship if you don’t have his kid at your house when he’s not visiting you! Time to finish with this loser of a parent and partner. How dare threaten you with ending the relationship if you don’t agree. It’s not a good sign as normally he’d be working things out. Also what does the kids mother think about you looking after her kid? Why can’t she look after her child when the dad can’t! You are not this families childcare. Time to find someone who appreciates you. Time to get your place back to you and your daughter. Also have you seen where he actually lives? Bet he has no place of his own. Sounds like he’s still living with the mother of his other child or at a mates place?

Pallisers · 30/03/2023 12:51

I think you sound perfect for each other tbh. Very aligned in values and attitudes. Pity about the two daughters but there you go.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/03/2023 12:54

MNF2021 · 30/03/2023 11:50

Thank you for trying to sympathise.

I am only responding to positive comments on here - we are not perfect hence me writing on this platform for support. Not for my past to be dragged up.

For all of you have given advise - thank you. For those who have just wanted to pick me apart - Up yours!

Show quote history

What is the point of this thread if you won't take any critical opinions on board??

You've been together a year, he's sleeping over 7 days a week despite your daughter notl liking him, but now he has his kid more you're unhappy that it isn't all a out you

You sound incredibly selfish.

This relationship isn't right for either of you. You don't want him as a package, you want someone who occasionally sees his kid around your needs.

Move on but next time don't love a guy you barely know into your child's home when she's clearly unhappy.

callmeblondee · 30/03/2023 12:58

I am always so open jawed when I read these things like cant you see he is being an asshole? when you read it back can you see that you are being taken advantage of? What are you actually getting out of this? I would also be really quite concerned that my 13 year disliked him. And for a relationship just up to a year, hell no. God where do these men get their ideas from? Pure entitlement. Gross.

TheCatterall · 30/03/2023 12:59

@MNF2021 if you can’t accept anything but ‘positive’ comments then I really think AIBU was not the thread for you.

this is not a healthy relationship at the 1 year mark.

yoi need to set some boundaries as to how often he is at yours so that you and your daughter have regular uninterrupted alone time with each other or yourselves. I can empathise with your daughter not being able to verbalise why she would rather it just be the two of you - she probably just feels like she can’t fully relax as he’s there every day.

he’s given you an ultimatum but you could say the same thing to him. He either accepts your need for some time with your daughter in your own or it’s over.

he’s trying to bully you into accepting his decisions. Which is to treat your home as his when it suits him.

please OP. Don’t concede to his demands and set boundaries around yours and your daughters life’s.

JeanMarsh · 30/03/2023 12:59

Lots of sensible advice on here, the OPs posts are completely depressing.

SpringleDingle · 30/03/2023 13:02

My DD (12) would be very unhappy at having my boyfriend round 7 nights a week. I think you need to set some boundaries here and having his DD round has an impact also on your DD.

Eyerollcentral · 30/03/2023 13:02

MNF2021 · 30/03/2023 12:14

I can't respond back to every comment. There are far too many. Thank you to those who have taken the time out to give some honest and sensible advice.

Not to those trying degrade my character. I will no longer be commenting or watching the thread. Thank you.

Put your daughter first. Kick him out. Get counselling. Your poor daughter needs stability.

callmeblondee · 30/03/2023 13:03

Nailsandthesea · 30/03/2023 12:21

This and I’m not one to judge. He lives at his Dads he has children that he needs to spend time with 1-2-1. Your poor daughter - mine is 16 and I would never ever put a man before her - she can’t walk around and relax and have quality time with her mum as you put him first.

he is living with you - because he’s not living anywhere else

Show quote history

Actually this as well. A grown man living at his Dads, cocklodging 7 days a week but "not living together" whilst 13 year old is prob thinking this guy is a loser, and such an age where they are sensitive and need their house to feel safe, bringing a man into who sounds like he adds not much just all round sounds shit.

wonderinglywondering · 30/03/2023 13:03

He’s 100% a cocklodger. Just waiting to offload his childcare onto you with his daughter.

Having been that 13 year old daughter, I wish you would listen to her.

tara66 · 30/03/2023 13:05

OP just a warning - if he lives in your house for 2 years, he can make a claim against it - you know that?

Butteryflakycrust83 · 30/03/2023 13:06

Absolutely guarantee that little instances would start to creep in where you would be looking after his child.

Sorry, he sounds like an absolute prick.

Put you and your daughter above this waste of space.

allmyliesaretrue · 30/03/2023 13:15

AndiOliversFan · 30/03/2023 10:10

2 kids by 2 different women and lives with his Dad. What a catch…

^This.

An ultimatum like this for any reason is a dealbreaker.

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship?

TuesdaysChild2 · 30/03/2023 13:15

Why do people put their kids through this absolute bullshit for their own selfish needs? The OPs daughter is having to live with a person she doesn't like in her house full time. The partners little girl is being dragged out of bed at 6am and spends half the week with one parent and the other half with the other! As parents, we can all do better than this!

MavisMcMinty · 30/03/2023 13:17

Here’s a positive comment for you @MNF2021 -

You sound like a really great girlfriend. A girlfriend any man would want.

northernsquirrel · 30/03/2023 13:18

Nedmund · 30/03/2023 10:59

He's a cocklodger.

Your DD has a better radar than you.

This

Blossomtoes · 30/03/2023 13:20

Paq · 30/03/2023 10:05

YANBU. But I do think you are BU for him to be staying so often when your daughter doesn't like it. It's her home too and she doesn't have to have "reasons".

This. I can’t imagine how shitty this is for her.

iaapap · 30/03/2023 13:21

Free your daughter of this person who encroaches into her private home. Get rid. Having a home as a sanctuary has strong links to mental health. Get rid.

Ktime · 30/03/2023 13:21

None so blind as those who won't see.

OP will be positing in 10 years time wondering why her daughter never visits.

cartagenagina · 30/03/2023 13:22

Mate, I am trying to be constructive here.

This man has moved into your house by stealth.

Your DD doesn’t like him but you have prioritised him over her needs.

Now he wants to move his DD in too.

Time for you to muster some self respect and tell him to fuck off.

viques · 30/03/2023 13:23

MNF2021 · 30/03/2023 12:14

I can't respond back to every comment. There are far too many. Thank you to those who have taken the time out to give some honest and sensible advice.

Not to those trying degrade my character. I will no longer be commenting or watching the thread. Thank you.

Bye. Looking forward to the next episode of “ My Sad Life with a Loser”.

Is it the one where the OP discovers she is pregnant despite taking every contraceptive known to woman? oops, sorry, spoiler alert.

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 30/03/2023 13:23

MNF2021 · 30/03/2023 12:14

I can't respond back to every comment. There are far too many. Thank you to those who have taken the time out to give some honest and sensible advice.

Not to those trying degrade my character. I will no longer be commenting or watching the thread. Thank you.

I'm sure you are still reading.

Most posters are genuinely trying to help you here and to do what's right you and your daughter.

The advice that is hardest to hear is nearly always the advice that we truly need.

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