Partner wants to go to Amsterdam .. history of cheating

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Keep it brief. Been with partner for 4 years. We split a couple of years ago as I suspected cheating, he ended it, then confesses to big scale infidelity. Mostly with sex workers .

He spent time alone said he wanted to be sure he could treat me right and 18 months ago he asked to give it another go. Moved in with me . Last October I found out he cheated when I was away on a family holiday (he didn't come as he had no annual leave left) again with a sex worker. There's been in December him registering with adult work. Doing stuff on babestation too. Internet searches for escorts in the area.

A while ago his brother suggested a weekend to Amsterdam. I said I wasn't comfortable him going and why. We argued over it. He was very angry I didn't trust him.. that he felt he had no freedom no life if he couldn't go away with his mates. Then the October cheating happened and he stopped mentioning this trip. Now a friend has asked him. This morning I again Said no I not happy and I think its outrageous you would even ask or consider it. He's gone to the gym now but he's a sulker and I can tell this will.come up when he returns home. Its very much stamps foot its not fair my life is over all the other boys mummy's say they can boo hoo.

Next year there's most likely q stag to Vegas coming up, obviously I wouldn't expect him not to go and would suck it up. But again sex workers are ten a penny there and he's been before yrs ago and went down that road. His argument is he's been to dam 3 times and never used an escort or worker in the red light district. To be fair his use of them could happen here after a night out.

How do I approach and handle this now

You're already lonely and isolated. Nothing lonelier than being with a man who doesn't love you.

In my head I feel I will add to it if he goes as they know nothing of this side. I guarantee most of us on here have parents who we know nothing of certain things they have done or do now. They all have a close bond with him. He's been in my youngest child's life for half of it now. I am scared of hurting them and upsetting them

It's time to stop being frightened about a future that doesn't involve being cheated on and being constantly exhausted and walking on eggshells around a drug using, cheating piece of scum. You aren't married. You have no children together. Do you own / rent? Let's try and break down some of the barriers which are stopping you from moving on to a better future. You don't seem to have any legal ties.

I saw EVERYTHING when I was a child.

What upsets kids is an unhappy mum. They feel unsafe and unhappy when mum is walking on eggshells like you are doing. They won't be as attached to your partner as you think. Parents divorce all the time, the kids actual dads move out and the kids are ok with it. All they want is a safe home and a happy mum.

No there's literally nothing stopping me financially or legally.
Not married
No kids together
Hes got somewhere to live immediately so wouldn't be homeless
Both have our own cars
He works so do I. He earns more.
House is rented in my name I have lived in it for years

It's psychological and emotional what is stopping me. Maybe the disappointment it's not worked out. When we first met in the first couple of years we both discussed and genuinely were looking to marriage buying a place together and a life together one day. So that won't happen and its obviously very upsetting.

My ex when we split and divorced Said he hoped next partner cheated on me repeatedly. That I would end up on my own . We have no contact and he's engaged to someone else but if he knew he would find it so funny. He would love it. So thats a source of pain too

I never knew my dad I was born because of an affair he had with my mum. He was a married man. I guess it all boils down to rejection. Fear of being abandoned. Wanting someone to chose me.

Why does he do it with these women. What is it I lack. Its All my insecurities. I know I am being weak. I am being pathetic. If I had a better support network emotionally and friends it would be so much easier to cope with the emotional pain which is coming by ending it

You need to get this man away from your kids. You owe them safety and no more trauma.

You need to rip the bandage off and just end it. There isn't anything stopping you doing this. You have to want to do this for yourself and spare your poor children from watching their mother being humiliated and abused. I know you're scared about being lonely but we can't do this for you. I think you need to firmly tell yourself that you will have put an end to a relationship that's hurting you. Stop dwelling on why your partner cheats or the women he cheats with. They are nothing to you. Would the freedom programme be of benefit to you to give you some tools around coping with this better. You're worth so much more than this awful situation but you need to have courage and end this.

OP, you seem to be under an illusion that he’s a nice guy really? If that’s the case, ask him how he ensured that none of the women he paid had been trafficked or coerced. It’s likely he did fuck all to check, but even if he did, there’s no real way to be 100% sure, so that means he may have raped a trafficked woman. Does he care about that at all? Is he comfortable with that risk?

To be blunt yes you are being weak and pathetic. No wonder this man doesn’t respect you, or any other woman come to that! I’m being harsh with you for a reason. This man has got you right where he wants you and the longer you stay with him the more downtrodden, depressed, anxious and weak you will become. End it now, while you hopefully still have a little bit of strength/self esteem left, and once you get over that little period of grief I promise you that your life will begin to look so much brighter. Honestly freedom is the most fantastic thing. You really need to try it!

Right, well end it with him then you won't have a partner who repeatedly cheats on you and your ex will have nothing to laugh about. I do know this, your OH will continue to sleep with sex workers at any and every available opportunity. You should want your children to grow up in a happy, calm, drama free home, you are not providing that. If you won't end it then i repeat, ignore the messaging and sleeping with sex workers and get on with it, with a smile plastered on your face and an Oscar worthy performance of everything being ok. For the sake of your kids, their childhood and own future relationships.

Your self esteem is on the floor because you let this man treat you like this. You are never going to gain confidence with a man like that around. Get rid and find yourself a hobby you enjoy. This will help with confidence and friends

He will hire a hooker in Amsterdam
He will also hire a hooker in Vegas
He will probably hire a hooker whenever he is left unsupervised.
he won’t stop.
The only thing you can stop is being in a relationship with him. Then he can bang all the hookers he likes with no repercussions.
And he will.

I've been in your position and I lost all my friends as they hated him. I ended up being scared of being on my own. But it got to a point where enough was enough and I found the strength to end it. I made new friends and found a new boyfriend who was lovely, caring and most importantly treated me very well and never cheated on me. I felt so happy and content with someone who I could 100% trust when he wasn't with me.

This could be you.

You are an absolute super star! ⭐️

What is it I lack.

You - nothing.

Him - he's lacking quite a lot by the looks of it. Hes compulsive, high seeking, desperate and all over the show.

Your previous relationship/ex sounds abusive - just from what you said he said to you at the end of your relationship; it's very common to go from one type of abuser to another.

It's also very common to try to force your next steady relationship to work out - even when it shouldn't and isn't - to "make right"/overwrite the failure of the last one (and to prove an ex wrong) but it's a fallacy. It's just inflicting shit on yourself and wasting your life trying to make something with with another abuser/loser .... To prove the first abuser & loser wrong. Forget about them. They don't matter.

True success would be getting rid of people whose behaviour is shit, not taking it and living a horrible stressful, up and down life in desperation to 'prove" your ex wrong or not fail again. You don't need to prove them wrong. And the real failure is staying with someone who acts really badly towards you.

You also keep saying you have no friends but you mentioned two of them aren't friends with you because of him (?)

Maybe they would come back into your life if you got rid of him. And by fuck he needs gotten rid of.

Even if they don't, you can try to make new friends and acquaintances.

Also people who cheat on their partners, once let alone repeatedly, are by default not exactly "nice".

And the drug use I'd another aspect of getting involved in a supply chain that wreaks hovoc, violence, murder etc all the way back to South America etc. And the drug trade is wrapped up with other criminal activities - trafficking etc.
So noone truly "nice" is doing that and conveniently not thinking about it either.

Can I ask what the last straw was. Or what made you end it
.
How did it feel. How did you get through it
.did you tell people the real reasons? Thanks

Why does he do it with these women

You've described a high seeking, compulsive, party can't end, there can never be enough, kind of person. He .at have a personality disorder, he maybe has MH issues. I have a horribe feeling you'll take that to mean he can be "fixed" but the reality is that many (most?) disordered, compulsive people never get fixed. They just go on they way do til they're old. I met a guy who came onto me while he had a gf (her younger and me younger again. I was seeing a couple of guys consecutively when I knew him and he was of the opinion they must/were certain to be cheating when we weren't together a few nights a week. It was because he projected his own values & behaviour into everyone else. His background was cheating on his ex wife and mother of his kids with. 15 yr old glass collector from his pub in his 30s. He eventually married the 15 yr old and the broke down too, but not before he persuaded her i to threesomes with other women. When i met him years later he was taking about visiting Thailand regularly, enough said. He was also alcohol dependant and would drain unfinished glasses; like mine if I didn't finish it.

They don't change.

Your non bf is wired that way ... He's going to the places famed for drug use and prostitution . You know when he's socialising he's always seeking iut drugs and prostitutes.

He can go to counseling but it may be er change him. He's have to change himself .... and He doesn't want to*.

Youve taken more than enough way more than enough... I wouldn't be hanging around for the next act, and the one after that, and on and on.

I'm also surprised he's holding down a job.

He is a type.... It's nothing to do with you.

Recognise the type and get rid

You need to get out of this relationship. It’s toxic

You’re a mug

Yeah he's always worked. Held down jobs for many many years in the same role. My ex also did always worked never took time off sick. Worked in the same industry his whole life . Both individuals seem to benefit from the routine and structure of work. It's when they are at a loose end . That saying the devil makes work for idle hands.

YABU because you repeatedly stay with him when he has shown time and time again that he can't be trusted and has no respect for you.

You've given him the green light by repeatedly tolerating it so you can hardly be surprised that he's still doing it 🤷