Partner wants to go to Amsterdam .. history of cheating

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Keep it brief. Been with partner for 4 years. We split a couple of years ago as I suspected cheating, he ended it, then confesses to big scale infidelity. Mostly with sex workers .

He spent time alone said he wanted to be sure he could treat me right and 18 months ago he asked to give it another go. Moved in with me . Last October I found out he cheated when I was away on a family holiday (he didn't come as he had no annual leave left) again with a sex worker. There's been in December him registering with adult work. Doing stuff on babestation too. Internet searches for escorts in the area.

A while ago his brother suggested a weekend to Amsterdam. I said I wasn't comfortable him going and why. We argued over it. He was very angry I didn't trust him.. that he felt he had no freedom no life if he couldn't go away with his mates. Then the October cheating happened and he stopped mentioning this trip. Now a friend has asked him. This morning I again Said no I not happy and I think its outrageous you would even ask or consider it. He's gone to the gym now but he's a sulker and I can tell this will.come up when he returns home. Its very much stamps foot its not fair my life is over all the other boys mummy's say they can boo hoo.

Next year there's most likely q stag to Vegas coming up, obviously I wouldn't expect him not to go and would suck it up. But again sex workers are ten a penny there and he's been before yrs ago and went down that road. His argument is he's been to dam 3 times and never used an escort or worker in the red light district. To be fair his use of them could happen here after a night out.

How do I approach and handle this now

Ive heard it said when men are rejected they think "what's wrong with her?!" while women ask "what's wrong with me?!". You are the personification of that.

Why don't you focus on what's wrong with him that he's always high seeking, always illicit high seeking, has no integrity, doesn't appreciate a nice person as a partner, is disliked by friends of yours/makes them uncomfortable etc etc.

Is he decent? Is he truly functional?.Is he well adjusted? No, no and no.

He's a dud.

He holds down a job so far ...so what, so do most people.

That saying the devil makes work for idle hands.

Yeah well most people take up wood work or crocheting; not doing drugs and hiring prostitutes.

I know a guy a bit like this; has always had a job (mostly), did a stint in the army and almost got into an elite force within it, into running & fitness ... Also alcohol dependant, and went through a phase (I think a phase, I'm not sure) of trying to hire prostitutes every night he was out drinking and hadn't pulled. He also used them with other policemen while doing a stint in the London metropolitan police.

He's been in an on off relationship now for a while with an immigrant single Mum. They break up, get back together on and on. She said he's a week day partner and does his own thing (pub) and acts like she doesn't exist at the weekend. She's convenient for him when he's not drinking, socialising etc. You'd feel sorry for her but I've heard she replaces him every now and then for a while and I also heard she comes onto his friends and acquaintances.

You don't sound like her, you're too good for this set up.

Get rid of him. You'll likely meet someone else in time. In the meantime you need to build up your social and hobby circle any way you can.

I guarantee most of us on here have parents who we know nothing of certain things they have done or do now. They all have a close bond with him. He's been in my youngest child's life for half of it now. I am scared of hurting them and upsetting them

I'm going to be blunt - your parents should know he cheats on you, uses prostitutes and takes drugs.

They have the right to know that.

They gave the right to choose to have any association with him in full knowledge of extremely important aspects of his character and behaviour.

If they knew, I doubt they'd feel well disposed towards him. And i doubt they'd want you with him.

Keeping them in the dark is not fair or appropriate.

If they think you should continue the relationship when they know about his behaviour; they need their heads checked.

Your welfare and happiness is more important than their temporary shock, disappointment and sadness. And believe me it will be temporary.

The same rule applies to your child. Your welfare (and by default your ability to be a stable, happy, relaxed Mum to them) is more important than their temporary disappointment. Children adjust very quickly. Their bonds with people are often nowhere near as deep as you think they are. They are not in the position to make or influence decisions about issues like this; that is your responsibility.

And above all your child in future would no doubt be fucking horrified of they knew you were staying with a man who was treating you like this in order not to disrupt them. The disruption will be temporary and life will move on.

How would you feel if your daughter was with a man like this and kept it from you; so you had no opportunity to support them, and you were being polite and entertaining him, not knowing he was abusing your daughter (and it is abuse, cheating is a type of abuse)?

They all have a close bond with him. He's been in my youngest child's life for half of it now. I am scared of hurting them and upsetting them

He's not, though - is he??!!

Cause he keeps acting in a way that would end most relationships.

Or are you sting he only acts like that because he knows he'll get away with it, you'll not tell your parents, and you'll stay with him? That's even worse.

But actually I think he doesn't truly care either way. Not when he's thrill seeking.

And that, is a reflection on him and his character

Further on asking what is lacking or wrong with him instead of you - what's wrong with him that he values being accepted into his partner's family, forming a bond with her parents, forming a bond with her child as a sort of step father; so fucking little that he risks it and throws it away (and if would be gone over what he's done with most partners) repeatedly. He appreciates that so little. He had such little integrity on both fronts. What's wrong with him that he treats people he's close to like that? Not only his gf but his gf's parents and young child.

You count his relationships with your parents and your child as reasons not to get rid of him, but those relationships only exist because you have kept from them crucial facts about his behaviour.

Oh and if he truly pays prostitutes to yap at cause he can't get it up .... ( Though that might be untrue and just him trying to make out he hasn't physically cheated on you with all of them) he's truly the dumbest punter ever.

Paying through the nose to chat shit at prostitutes who don't give a flying fuck about him.

He lives with you, that's you household money he's blowing on drugs and prostitutes. That's your household money he's blowing on trips to drug and prostitution destinations. If you had a child with him, it would be family money, money out of your kid's resources.

I dunno about you but I'd rather not be with a punter let alone a fucking dumb one.

And note that he (if true) he couldn't get it up, not "didn't want to" or "didn't intend to". You don't hire prostitutes for conversation. You can chat to your partner and friends for free.

Can I ask what the last straw was. Or what made you end it
.
How did it feel. How did you get through it
.did you tell people the real reasons? Thanks

It wasn't anywhere near as bad as what you have described. Just cheating with regular girls, not sex workers as far as I'm aware.

The last straw was that he had been on holiday with friends and while he was away he had asked me to stay with his mum and give her support as she was on her own. He phoned me in the middle of the night from the holiday to tell me that he had cheated and then when he got back he dumped his bag on my stomach while I was sunbathing in the garden. Sounds a silly thing but I was like - fuck this, he is just treating me like a piece of shit expecting me to be there to look after his family while he's away in another country shagging someone else! The dumping his bag on me in the garden was just the final straw - I don't know why he did it but I was already so angry and he just seemed to have zero remorse for what he'd done.
He was also doing drugs which he knew I hated.

It wasn't until years later that I realised how he had very slowly led me to falling out with or drifting away from many good friends so I was completely isolated and reliant on him.

He did keep chasing me for a while after we split up but it felt sooooo good to be able to say sorry, you had your chance and blew it.

I felt nothing but peace when I ended it - I wasn't even sad. I was delighted with myself that I'd got to a place where I felt confident that it didn't matter. I didn't have many people left to tell the real reasons to but I did tell my mum and sister the truth.

I found out years later that he married a woman and cheated on her too. On his stag and also the night before his wedding. Got so drunk the night before the wedding that he vomited just before walking into the church. Gross. So glad I got away.

he ended it, then confesses to big scale infidelity. Mostly with sex workers.

He himself knows he's no good.

I have no idea why he asked for another chance after considering if he could treat you right; but it was clearly a mistake. He can't, he hasn't.

He cheated again, was caught contacting prostitutes and using online sex stuff and is now choosing to go to a drug and prostitution destination.

He himself knows.

Whatever conscience he has (if it was even conscience and not just him deciding to get out and telling you all that to make it a clean break cause he thought you'd not give him another chance if he told you the truth, which was obviously not the case) is not working in this second try. It didn't in the first either til he decided to end it. He hasn't changed or stopped.

I don't know why he's continuing to see you - housing, company, laundry, meals, regular sex, emotional support, plus one/not having to be single and alone, familiarity/habit, outward respectability/looking well.adjusted etc etc??
He knows hes treating you like shite again and I have a feeling you'll be in for another dumping in time.

You are continuing to see him largely because you think if you don't, you will have "failed' and proven your ex right.
And you don't have a social network.
And the oxytocin from shagging him will keep women with totally shit men.
Trauma bonding too, perhaps.

when he got back he dumped his bag on my stomach while I was sunbathing in the garden

Maybe he wanted/expected you watching out for him and then crying and hysterical and berating him for his cheating; instead you were chilling out in the garden, not displaying any distress, sounds like his ego demanded a demeaning/aggressive action towards you since you weren't acting "correctly".

Probably - who knows. Just so glad I got away. I see him every now and again as he's a police officer in my town..... always have a shudder

Oh fuck me, the police don't have attract some psychopaths and degenerates. Any personality testing is clearly failing abominably.

Oh fuck me, the police don't have attract some psychopaths and degenerates. Any personality testing is clearly failing abominably.

Not just a police officer, but a feckin inspector now!!! I know - it's a bit concerning...

That is depressing.

LEAVE HIM
THIS IS NO WAY TO LIVE

So much of what you write I have thought. I think in his own way he cares about us. But fundamentally doesn't know how to be in a relationship how to behave , how to leave that single life behind. He's seen all his friends settling down, having kids, marrying so feels he should too. But also misses the single life still pulling girls. Having his freedom . Probably knows he's no good and going to keep letting us all down.

Your probably right if I don't end it he will in time look for a manufactured reason his side to end it. A dumping will come. It will be because he wants his own family or he misses his own house , or he misses being single .

He doesn't like it if we are out and men Try as he puts it to hit on me..I don't speak to these men or encourage it. Not me at all. But he doesn't like it. Deeply insecure person he is. I said to him shock horror has it ever occurred to you that other men might find me attractive. That I am actually attractive or are you blind. His response
Well to be fair it doesn't matter how ugly a woman is she can always pull. Men will always try and pull a bird doesn't matter what she's like. I mean charming. He doesn't see, realise or appreciate what he has.. what I look like, what I offer or how fucking lucky he is. People would kill to have a partner like me. Someone who's loyal caring, keeps a nice home, has lovely children works . He doesn't appreciate me, he doesn't know what he's got sadly. He's In for a very lonely superficial life.

And yes I also believe he uses me and us as a veneer of being normal and respectable
.to appear this great guy who took on a woman with kids. He's hiding behind me

Why are you with him? Are you that desperate?

And get an STI check. He's probably riddled 🤮

He sounds absolutely repulsive, I don’t know how you can stand being in the same room as him long enough to even have a conversation. Get an STI check and leave him.

Oh come off it OP. He didn't cheat becuase he was at a loose end. He also didn't cheat because you "lack" something.He cheated because is a dick. Stop blaming everything and anyhting other than him.

You need to kick him out. You clearly have a pattern of being attracted to crappy men. Leave him and get some counselling.

People would kill to have a partner like me

You won't meet one of them while you're still with him.

You're also risking a nasty std from all this cheating and sex worker use.

You're also having regular distress inflicted on you; that's bad for your physical and mental health; you can keep functioning but it takes its toll. You shouldn't have to try to parent your kids with that regular distress & stress.

He's not invested and doesn't value your relationship; that's obvious from all his behaviour. Don't bother twisting yourself up trying to work out why, or blaming yourself.

He is what is he is. Maybe he'll stop all the compulsive drugs and hookers eventually, maybe he won't. People have to want to stop something to do it, he doesn't.

And forget a iit your nasty abusive ex and his bullshit. He's a wanker. So what he's in a relationship ATM; Joseph Fritzl was in a relationship, Fred West was inna relationship, Chris Watt's was inna relationship; what does it signify?

He doesn't like it if we are out and men Try as he puts it to hit on me..I don't speak to these men or encourage it. Not me at all. But he doesn't like it.

Well that is some nuclear level hypocrisy and double standards, from the cheater - with both sex workers and non sex workers. Tells you a lot about his values and attitude towards women and to relationships.

"I get to fuck whoever I like but you can't look sideways at anyone else", "you're mine but I'm not yours".

People (usually men) with an attitude like that rarely rarely - in fact I'd say never : change.

You also need to tell your parents what he's done and doing.

It's not real - your world - while they don't know.

They wouldn't be entertaining him if they knew.

how to leave that single life behind

It's not just about a single life though, is it - the majority of men do not hire prostitutes even when single. And lots don't use drugs regularly either. His "single life" is not normal, it's extreme and pretty degenerate.