Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner wants to go to Amsterdam .. history of cheating

251 replies

00621644B · 30/03/2023 09:27

Keep it brief. Been with partner for 4 years. We split a couple of years ago as I suspected cheating, he ended it, then confesses to big scale infidelity. Mostly with sex workers .

He spent time alone said he wanted to be sure he could treat me right and 18 months ago he asked to give it another go. Moved in with me . Last October I found out he cheated when I was away on a family holiday (he didn't come as he had no annual leave left) again with a sex worker. There's been in December him registering with adult work. Doing stuff on babestation too. Internet searches for escorts in the area.

A while ago his brother suggested a weekend to Amsterdam. I said I wasn't comfortable him going and why. We argued over it. He was very angry I didn't trust him.. that he felt he had no freedom no life if he couldn't go away with his mates. Then the October cheating happened and he stopped mentioning this trip. Now a friend has asked him. This morning I again Said no I not happy and I think its outrageous you would even ask or consider it. He's gone to the gym now but he's a sulker and I can tell this will.come up when he returns home. Its very much stamps foot its not fair my life is over all the other boys mummy's say they can boo hoo.

Next year there's most likely q stag to Vegas coming up, obviously I wouldn't expect him not to go and would suck it up. But again sex workers are ten a penny there and he's been before yrs ago and went down that road. His argument is he's been to dam 3 times and never used an escort or worker in the red light district. To be fair his use of them could happen here after a night out.

How do I approach and handle this now

OP posts:
TenThousandSpoons · 30/03/2023 10:37

LTB
Cheating, using sex workers, sulking, drug-taking, the more you write the worse he sounds.

Bananalanacake · 30/03/2023 10:37

You can have a relationship without living together.

Nanny0gg · 30/03/2023 10:40

00621644B · 30/03/2023 09:27

Keep it brief. Been with partner for 4 years. We split a couple of years ago as I suspected cheating, he ended it, then confesses to big scale infidelity. Mostly with sex workers .

He spent time alone said he wanted to be sure he could treat me right and 18 months ago he asked to give it another go. Moved in with me . Last October I found out he cheated when I was away on a family holiday (he didn't come as he had no annual leave left) again with a sex worker. There's been in December him registering with adult work. Doing stuff on babestation too. Internet searches for escorts in the area.

A while ago his brother suggested a weekend to Amsterdam. I said I wasn't comfortable him going and why. We argued over it. He was very angry I didn't trust him.. that he felt he had no freedom no life if he couldn't go away with his mates. Then the October cheating happened and he stopped mentioning this trip. Now a friend has asked him. This morning I again Said no I not happy and I think its outrageous you would even ask or consider it. He's gone to the gym now but he's a sulker and I can tell this will.come up when he returns home. Its very much stamps foot its not fair my life is over all the other boys mummy's say they can boo hoo.

Next year there's most likely q stag to Vegas coming up, obviously I wouldn't expect him not to go and would suck it up. But again sex workers are ten a penny there and he's been before yrs ago and went down that road. His argument is he's been to dam 3 times and never used an escort or worker in the red light district. To be fair his use of them could happen here after a night out.

How do I approach and handle this now

You're being unreasonable to still be with him

Dump him today

Raise your bar much higher.

Nanny0gg · 30/03/2023 10:40

Bananalanacake · 30/03/2023 10:37

You can have a relationship without living together.

Why would she want one with this waste of space?

highfidelity · 30/03/2023 10:41

Amsterdam is a red herring.

It's not because you're boring. It's not because he doesn't fancy you. He chooses to pay for sex because he can, and because he wants to. Even if you were having sex with him numerous times a day, I have no doubt he would still seek sex elsewhere.

Men don't need any reasons to cheat or use sex workers, it has everything to do with them, not the person they're cheating on. He's hugely disrespectful to you, this is the bottom line. Kick him out, block him and don't waste a second more on him.

Nanny0gg · 30/03/2023 10:43

00621644B · 30/03/2023 09:49

When he was caught in October he said he would get counselling. Nearly April and none has been arranged. I am not sorting it !! He gave me the password to his phone. Phones now been changed as old one broke and passwords changed. I know what the answer is deep down. It's being strong enough to do it. I do love him as he has another really nice side to him too. It's like 2 people. My friendship network is all via him. One friend stopped talking to me over him. Another friend isn't keen and doesn't keep in touch or wants to meet up as they don't like me being with him. So I feel lonely and isolated . I do care about him as do my wider family (who don't know obviously )

Please go to counselling yourself

And listen to the friends that know. Maybe you'll find you have some when you ditch him

Nanny0gg · 30/03/2023 10:44

00621644B · 30/03/2023 10:07

Yeah we don't have sex much at all. He has something of a death grip so is happy with hand relief mostly. Also I don't initiate sex at all anymore and deep down its down to the cheating. As I think i bet he wishes it was with an escort. He probably doesn't fancy me. I am probably boring. Things like that. So it's a catch 22. Maybe that's why he goes to them. As we don't have much of a sex life now.

Natural to wonder why he does it and whether it's to do with me.

No. It's to do with excessive use of porn

NewtoHolland · 30/03/2023 10:44

If you insist on laying down like a rug sure enough people will walk all over you.

I'd advise looking in to some therapy for yourself, focussing on your self esteem and boundaries.
This isn't love is it? You wouldn't want your kids having a relationship like this?

Bin him and learn to live yourself ♥️

Thinkbiglittleone · 30/03/2023 10:45

How old are your children?

This sounds really hard for you OP as you do seem to have an element of thinking is this your fault he uses escorts, well no it's not, only he can control his actions and behaviours.

He does sound like he has a very unhealthy relationship with drugs and an alcoholic if once he can't Just gave a few beers and cone home, the need to carry on fir more alcohol (and drugs and sex workers) i would suggest means he is addicted to those things.

Why have you not told your close family to help support you through this? Is it because you know they will advise you to leave and you are not ready to do that yet ? Because you are embarrassed ???( you really shouldn't be, all this is on him)

You do need to make plans to leave him, he will not change, he has had ample opportunity to get counselling for his addictions and opted not to.

He is not family orientated if he is showing his wife, the mother of his kids, such a disrespect and hurting you so much. Just because he used to do his nans shopping doesn't make him a good person, he just did a weekly good deed.

He is a liar and a cheat and potentially an addict.

You need to remove your children from this toxic relationship because they need to learn what healthy relationships look like, and that is not being scared of your DH going on a night out and having to tell him what to do, that's toxic.

Can he go on holiday, well yes of course, it's not your job to tell him what to do, he is cheating here so of course he will chest their, but he is an adult. If you need to manage him, you need to leave him.

I do hope everything works out ok for you and the children, sorry but you all deserve better.

Sugargliderwombat · 30/03/2023 10:45

Yeah you make really feeble excuses for him, he cheated when you were on holiday and you add that he didn't have any annual leave left (as if that has anything to do with himbeing a cheating scumbag). You could do better than this man.

NewtoHolland · 30/03/2023 10:46

He goes to them because he's a nasty piece of work.

Shoxfordian · 30/03/2023 10:56

Why are you wasting your life with him?

Puppers · 30/03/2023 10:56

He's not going to change. He's given absolutely no indication that he intends to. He's said sorry/I'll get counseling/I'll be a good boy etc, but in reality his actions have not changed one bit. He has continued to cheat and exploit women for sex, he still hangs round the same people, he still goes out drinking which he knows often leads to this behaviour (and which is not an essential pastime for a man, by the way. He can socialise in a million other ways), he continues to make plans to visit places where he knows there will be booze, drugs and prostitutes like Amsterdam and Vegas.

When he goes on these holidays, he will be paying prostitutes for sex. There's almost zero chance he won't. He will continue to pay prostitutes for sex whenever he gets the opportunity. Your decision to stay in the relationship should be based on this reality.

I know you say your self esteem is low, but I'm willing to bet it would be vastly improved if you weren't in this relationship.

NewCarOldCar · 30/03/2023 10:57

How do you handle this?

By raising your bar 🙄

IndigoLight · 30/03/2023 10:57

ChickenDhansak82 · 30/03/2023 09:33

The biggest issue here is YOU!

FFS stand up for yourself! This man clearly doesn't respect you at all and has cheated on you multiple times!

Let him go to Amsterdam and end the relationship! There are far nicer men in the world and you are being treated like a doormat!

This ! The question you should be asking is why are your standards so low and how you can work on that.
He cheats with sex workers and you take him back, that's on you. You have to take responsibility for your choices.

nettytree · 30/03/2023 10:57

I hope you have been to have a std check. Get rid off him and get straight down to the nearest clinic.

YourApplePie · 30/03/2023 11:03

Amsterdam is a beautiful city, rich in culture, with wonderful people, amazing food and loads to do.

This man is a walking bin fire and you need to leave him.

MyPurpleHeart · 30/03/2023 11:05

You cant watch him 24 hours a day. You will never feel comfortable with him going anywhere that has the potential to cheat, which in reality is everywhere.

Save yourself the heartache and bin this one!

Starlitestarbright · 30/03/2023 11:10

Your flogging a dead op. How are you not repulsived by him. He will always been unfaithful and he's targing vulnerable woman in which to do so.

GigiGrey · 30/03/2023 11:13

Bin him off as soon as you possibly can. He's proven he's not going to get help, and he's also proven that he doesn't care one iota about your wellbeing by even considering going/reacting the way that he has. You're wasting your life.
I wouldn't even let this man in my house, never mind let him touch me. He's repulsive.

FartSock5000 · 30/03/2023 11:16

@00621644B you've chosen to be with a serial cheater who has proven time and time again that he doesn't love or respect you despite any lies he comes out with. You provide a home, maid service and free childcare. You're the comfy, easy option for a nice life and you let him shag around. He really has it great!

Him going to Amsterdam is not the issue. He is. Yes, he is going to cheat on you again. Even if it wasn't in Amsterdam or on the stagg do you mentioned, he will find a way to cheat.

You've given him a green flag to do so because you've never made him face consequences.

You are accepting all of this because you think you can't have anything more and that isn't true. Even being on your own for a few years has to be better for you than being with this person.

I think you should end the relationship. You can still co-parent and even be friends but without his dead weight you'd be free to build yourself back up and meet someone new eventually.

Remember, even if you believe he is a sex addict and cannot help himself, he is doing nothing at all to stop or get help. If he ever did, he'd be living with that addiction for the rest of his life and would always be at risk of relapse. It takes years after you seek help for addiction to be in a place ready to shift focus onto others. He doesn't deserve to take up any more years of your life while you wait for him to MAYBE be ready to not cheat and lie. That is even IF he is a sex addict. Good chance he just really enjoys the high of cheating and having sex with someone who is paid to let him have all the fun.

Real relationship sex means caring about the other persons needs too and he clearly doesn't.

Free yourself.

eggsandbaconeveryday · 30/03/2023 11:17

Give the man his freedom that he so desires and dump him ! He has no respect for you at all . You deserve better

Clymene · 30/03/2023 11:17

You need to work on your self esteem. This man has no respect for you because he hates women.

And you're internalising that hate every time you plead or worry. You're telling yourself you don't deserve better.

You do.

HistoryFanatic · 30/03/2023 11:17

He has a history of cheating and you are still with him?!?

YoungBritishPissArtist · 30/03/2023 11:26

Do you have children together, OP? Is that why you stay with him? Please do the freedom programme that some posted up thread.