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Original poster

Partner wants to go to Amsterdam .. history of cheating

251 replies

00621644B · 30/03/2023 09:27

Keep it brief. Been with partner for 4 years. We split a couple of years ago as I suspected cheating, he ended it, then confesses to big scale infidelity. Mostly with sex workers .

He spent time alone said he wanted to be sure he could treat me right and 18 months ago he asked to give it another go. Moved in with me . Last October I found out he cheated when I was away on a family holiday (he didn't come as he had no annual leave left) again with a sex worker. There's been in December him registering with adult work. Doing stuff on babestation too. Internet searches for escorts in the area.

A while ago his brother suggested a weekend to Amsterdam. I said I wasn't comfortable him going and why. We argued over it. He was very angry I didn't trust him.. that he felt he had no freedom no life if he couldn't go away with his mates. Then the October cheating happened and he stopped mentioning this trip. Now a friend has asked him. This morning I again Said no I not happy and I think its outrageous you would even ask or consider it. He's gone to the gym now but he's a sulker and I can tell this will.come up when he returns home. Its very much stamps foot its not fair my life is over all the other boys mummy's say they can boo hoo.

Next year there's most likely q stag to Vegas coming up, obviously I wouldn't expect him not to go and would suck it up. But again sex workers are ten a penny there and he's been before yrs ago and went down that road. His argument is he's been to dam 3 times and never used an escort or worker in the red light district. To be fair his use of them could happen here after a night out.

How do I approach and handle this now

OP posts:
CheersForThatEh · 30/03/2023 10:14

00621644B · 30/03/2023 10:11

I have asked him and he says he doesn't know. That he can't get an erection with tjem and it's about keeping the night going when he's drunk and done coke . Before he was with me he said it was loneliness and keeping the night going.. he has an addictive personality. Drink , drugs. Can be food sometimes. This all seems part of it.. he is obsessed with being liked. Wants to be the life and soul at all times . Has to be popular and fun. Alot of it a front. He's not abusive violent or controlling. If I ended it he would go with no issue. Its my house, we don't have shared assets. He wouldn't start being a nuisance I know he would accept it and be gone. he can't be happy with me to do this can he

No he cant be happy with you. Because he cant be happy. He is filling a massive void with drink drugs parties and women and is probably massively insecure and selfish.does he work? Volunteer? Go out of his way to be good to others? Pick up a bit of litter or do anything at all that doesnt directly benefit him?

Jacketspudtunamayo · 30/03/2023 10:15

I’m a big believer in, if you forgive your partner for cheating then you can’t expect to lock them away for the rest of the relationship in fear of them cheating again. It becomes your problem once you forgive but don’t forget & tbh it’s just not worth the stress. You could get better I’m sure.

Him cheating IS NOT your problem before my words are twisted. But you being paranoid & not doing anything about it other than trying to stop him from going places IS your problem because that’s the chance you take when you forgive a cheating fucker. Unfortunately.

But I completely see your point of view. Realistically though, you don’t trust him so
you should never have forgiven him. Easier said than done but that’s why I stand by what I said at the beginning. He sounds like a selfish prick & why waste your time on him other than the fact that you love him. But does he really love you when he’s cheated? I doubt it. I hope you see your self worth because he doesn’t deserve you.

pinkyredrose · 30/03/2023 10:15

Why are you with him? You can't trust him.

TheAustralian · 30/03/2023 10:16

I’m gonna go out on a limb and say any STI/STD tests you have will light up like a Christmas tree 🤢

thesugarbumfairy · 30/03/2023 10:18

How do I approach and handle this now?

Chuck him out. There is literally no reason to have this person in your home.
He will cheat on you in whatever country he is in.

FrostyFifi · 30/03/2023 10:19

I genuinely am struggling to understand why you have stayed with him. He's a cheat, and worse than that, he sleeps with prostitutes (no judgement on the women, I judge men who buy consent harshly however).

The only rational advice anyone can possibly give you is finish it and don't go back. The Amsterdam trip is a red herring although yes clearly he's going to be using sex workers again, that's 100%.

PurpleReindeer2 · 30/03/2023 10:21

I'm sorry OP but a relationship shouldn't be this hard. You should be happy together, content and be able to trust each other. Sadly that's not the case. You deserve so much better. Please end this relationship as it is toxic and not good for your physical or mental health.

StarDolphins · 30/03/2023 10:21

I amount of you stopping (rightly) him going away will stop him using sex workers.

you need to either end this relationship or accept that he 100% will continue to do this.

StarDolphins · 30/03/2023 10:21

*no amount

Original poster
00621644B · 30/03/2023 10:21

Yes he works, he is very family orientated , would do his nans shopping each week without fail right up until she passed away. Hes doing a charity 5k in the summer . Since the cheating in October he's got a friend since school who's a personal trainer to train him twice a week has joined q gym exercises most days. The going out has been cut down to once a month pretty much . He's not a drunkard my ex husband was an alcoholic so I am more than qualified to say that. He is more go put and have a big night out 2 or 3 times a month. That's been cut right down. The big nights out woild start the coke then this stuff would follow. So it's been in a bid to try and get it under control.

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 30/03/2023 10:23

00621644B · 30/03/2023 10:21

Yes he works, he is very family orientated , would do his nans shopping each week without fail right up until she passed away. Hes doing a charity 5k in the summer . Since the cheating in October he's got a friend since school who's a personal trainer to train him twice a week has joined q gym exercises most days. The going out has been cut down to once a month pretty much . He's not a drunkard my ex husband was an alcoholic so I am more than qualified to say that. He is more go put and have a big night out 2 or 3 times a month. That's been cut right down. The big nights out woild start the coke then this stuff would follow. So it's been in a bid to try and get it under control.

He's cheated on you twice in 4 years and you're still making excuses for him?

Somanysocks · 30/03/2023 10:23

I wonder why women live with men like this, they leave misery and destruction yet women cling on for tiny morsels of a relationship.

There is no reason to stay with this man, he won't change. Do yourself and your children a favour and dump him.

Duckswaddle · 30/03/2023 10:24

Jesus just send him on his sad, sex worker using way. He’s whining that you don’t trust him? Damn straight. Cut the fucker loose.

LadyOfTheCanyon · 30/03/2023 10:25

UnaOfStormhold · 30/03/2023 09:58

I suspect if you reach out to your friends who didn't approve of him and say you want to leave they will be delighted and supportive. And if they're not, I am sure there are other people out there that you will be able to befriend without this awful relationship dragging you down.

I suspect the nice side of him is just a front when he realises that he's pushed you too far - you'll probably see a lot of it if you initiate leaving but try to stay strong and remember all the times he has let you down before.

This is very good advice. Your friends will come rushing back once you get rid of him.

I must admit in the past I have cooled things down with friends whose partner I really didn't like.

I was once in a relationship with a dreadful controlling sulker/ cheater and after begging me to leave him a few times my friends started to distance themselves. I don't really blame them - they did what they could and I couldn't see what an arsehole he was. They came back once I'd left him.

It takes a lot of courage to leave but once you do, I PROMISE you that you will feel so much more lighter and better about yourself.

toastfiend · 30/03/2023 10:27

This man has proven that he is perfectly capable of cheating on you from home, OP, him going to Amsterdam isn't actually going to change anything - of course he won't be faithful when he's out there, but he isn't faithful now anyway so what difference does it really make?

If you're happy to turn a blind eye to his infidelity then fine, you do you. If you're not, and it doesn't sound like you are, then you need to accept that he is not going to change and protect yourself by leaving him. He has proven clearly and unequivocally that he has no intention of changing. If fidelity is what you want then this man is incapable of ever making you happy.

BansheeofInisherin · 30/03/2023 10:27

He's cheated on OP twice that she knows of. But he has been using sex workers for years, across the world.

I wouldn't even be able to be friends with such a man, let alone live with him.

Unicornsparkle1000 · 30/03/2023 10:28

You clearly love your partner and want this to work, however, it isn't going to. I totally get why you don't want him to go away, cos he may cheat and probably will. But he is also happy to cheer on you while in the uk. Would the cheating in another country be unacceptable and make you leave him? If that's the case let him go and cheat and then you will leave him. You need to leave him. Think of it like this if you had a grown daughter and her partner was cheating (sex workers or not) what would
You say to her?

StarDolphins · 30/03/2023 10:28

00621644B · 30/03/2023 10:21

Yes he works, he is very family orientated , would do his nans shopping each week without fail right up until she passed away. Hes doing a charity 5k in the summer . Since the cheating in October he's got a friend since school who's a personal trainer to train him twice a week has joined q gym exercises most days. The going out has been cut down to once a month pretty much . He's not a drunkard my ex husband was an alcoholic so I am more than qualified to say that. He is more go put and have a big night out 2 or 3 times a month. That's been cut right down. The big nights out woild start the coke then this stuff would follow. So it's been in a bid to try and get it under control.

Thing is, he could cut his nights out down to zero but if he’s that way inclined (he is, to have done it multiple times) then he will find a way.

Alsso, using sex workers is really really grim, to think it’s ok to see women to purchase says a lot about him. He could do everyone’s nans shopping but he’s still awful.

SoFED · 30/03/2023 10:30

This is so sad to read, that you don’t see your self as more deserving. He really isn’t worth it OP. I’d say he has ADHD and a number of other disorders but that’s doing him a favour - actually he’s a dirty cheating good for nothing man.

you mentioned childcare? Are your children seeing this behaviour?

I do believe your friends would return once you got rid of him. You’d be happier, you don’t need him.

Glitterybee · 30/03/2023 10:31

Unbelievable.

You deserve it at this point…

drpet49 · 30/03/2023 10:33

Seaitoverthere · 30/03/2023 09:37

I don’t think are going to get any responses other than why on earth are you still with him, which is a mystery to anyone on the outside of your relationship.

This

MrNook · 30/03/2023 10:35

Of course he's going to cheat on you again and again because you keep staying with him.

The cheating is gross and the paying for sex is even more disgusting. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life not trusting your partner and having him cheat on you? He's not going to stop.

Get some self respect and leave!

WandaWonder · 30/03/2023 10:35

Stick an air tag on him and follow him in a spy jacket wearing a trilby?

Maybe google ways to improve self respect? (The latter is a genuine suggestion)

Bintymcbintface · 30/03/2023 10:36

If you don't trust him and he's repeatedly cheated on you, why are you with him?? As you said in your op he could find a sex worker anywhere so going to a country with legalised prostitution isn't going to make a spot of difference.

You can't tell him not to go, he's an adult who can do whatever he wants but you should dump the guy, he doesn't respect you and you don't trust him the relationship is doomed regardless of how long you try and drag it out for

JamSandle · 30/03/2023 10:37

Absolutely NOT.