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Original poster

Boyfriend’s kid wants to go to private school

307 replies

Limegreencurtains · 30/03/2023 07:20

I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year and things are going well. We have been discussing the eventuality of us moving in together although neither of us are quite ready yet. I have young children from a previous relationship as does he. Yesterday, he told me that his child wants to go to private school and he will be funding it all. I am shocked at the cost and the fact his ex would expect him to cover all expenses. I can’t help but imagine that this is now going to affect our future. Do I have the right to bring this up or is it none of my business? I could never afford to send my own nor would I want to. Last year, just before I met his kid, he asked if they were ok with Dad having a girlfriend to which they replied, they thought it was fine as long as he didn’t stop buying them stuff. The kid and ex are high maintenance and I personally feel my boyfriend is seen as the bank of Dad. We both come from humble backgrounds. He earns £50000 a year and I work part time. Am I being unreasonable in wanting to ask where this leaves our future financially or is it none of my business how he spends his money?

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/03/2023 09:01

@Shelefttheweb

It becomes her business if they are to have a life together with sharing of finances and living expenses.

But my point was she is not living with him, they are not charing finances, and they barely know each other after a year, so she doesn't get to dictate how he looks after his own child.

CruCru · 30/03/2023 09:01

The private school is a bit of a red herring.

At present there is a plan to move two sets of children in together (although it sounds as though his child would be living with you only part of the time). These children have quite different lives and it sounds as though they are parented quite differently.

The OP describes the child as young but to say “as long as Dad keeps buying me stuff” means he is probably at least 8.

Ragwort · 30/03/2023 09:03

Do not move into together, you've only been together a year which is not nearly long enough to decide if you have a 'future' together, certainly not where children are involved.
Blended families rarely work ... and that's without private education, 'high maintenance' and financial demands from ex partners and DC. Don't do it.
I never understand why so many single mothers seem so desperate to move a new man into their family lives - surely you can just date and enjoy each other's company? (I think we all know why so many single men are so keen to move in with single mothers ...).
And agree with other comments ... how many 'children' just decide they would like to go to Private School? Hmm

Shelefttheweb · 30/03/2023 09:04

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/03/2023 09:01

@Shelefttheweb

It becomes her business if they are to have a life together with sharing of finances and living expenses.

But my point was she is not living with him, they are not charing finances, and they barely know each other after a year, so she doesn't get to dictate how he looks after his own child.

And my point is she gets to decide if she is happy to live with those decisions or leave.

RudsyFarmer · 30/03/2023 09:04

He can fund anything he likes until the point you move in together and he can’t contribute to your jointly owned assets. So for me it would be a no. Unless he had another zero in the end of that salary.

TomeTome · 30/03/2023 09:05

He can’t afford private school, so I’d just be worried that he can’t add up or make financial plans.

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/03/2023 09:05

I would end the relationship personally

life is too short

Justforlaffs · 30/03/2023 09:06

Gensola · 30/03/2023 08:58

Private school fees are £40k a year for most decent secondary schools. He’s living in a dream land.

Where are "most decent" schools £40k per year out of interest? Are we talking central London here?

Because my dc's go to one of the countries top schools in league tables and as voted by The Times year after year and it's £11,000 per year. I don't know any (bar boarding schools) that charge £40k per annum.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 30/03/2023 09:08

He won't be able to afford it.

We earn 120k between us but private day school for our two remains completely beyond our means.

TeaForMeandThee · 30/03/2023 09:08

If he's funding this himself he can't afford it anyway so I don't think this issue will become a reality. This aside can you afford to pay half of all the bills if you only work pt or are you expecting him to subsidise you so you can carry on pt? When you have children from previous relationships the "one pot" approach doesn't work as you'll both have expenses relating to your children which the other person is not responsible for. I think you need to sit down together and work out the logistics of how your finances will work. Your post reads that you are thinking how him paying out for schooling is going to impact your lifestyle, he shouldn't be subsidising you and nor should you him. All this need to be worked out before you move in together.

Thighlengthboots · 30/03/2023 09:08

But my point was she is not living with him, they are not charing finances, and they barely know each other after a year, so she doesn't get to dictate how he looks after his own child

Of course she has no right to tell him what to spend on his own child. BUT, if they are planning on moving in together and sharing finances which sounds like they are as they are talking about it, she does have a right to query the balance of contributions to ensure its fair. If he is so stretched financially from paying for private school which he absolutely WILL be on 50k, then that will affect what he can contribute towards their life together. If that means she will be contributing more than him and filling in the gaps that are caused by the cost of private school then thats absolutely pertinent to her and she has every right to discuss that with him. Its great that he wants the best for his child but if he hasnt properly worked out the budget which it sounds like he hasnt at all, as the sums simply dont work then thats concerning and he could end up in serious debt.

maranella · 30/03/2023 09:09

Gensola · 30/03/2023 08:58

Private school fees are £40k a year for most decent secondary schools. He’s living in a dream land.

They really aren't. My DS is a day pupil at a top secondary school and his fees are £21k a year (without any extras). If you're talking Eton, Harrow, etc, then yes those schools are considerably more.

user1477391263 · 30/03/2023 09:11

He needs to look at the fees for ALL years, right up to 18 - not just the annual fees for the little kids. It rises as they get older.

And then add in extras. Yes, some are optional, but it's hard to say no sometimes.

And then allow for 5% increase each year as standard.

And then add on some extra for inflation, due to the times we live in.

And then add in some extra on top of THAT for when private schools lose their charity status and have to start paying VAT, which they probably will when we get a Labour government.

And then think about the stress of moving a child who is happy if you decide halfway through that this is too much.

And then choose!

Luckydip1 · 30/03/2023 09:11

He doesn't earn enough.

swayingpalmtree · 30/03/2023 09:12

They really aren't. My DS is a day pupil at a top secondary school and his fees are £21k a year (without any extras). If you're talking Eton, Harrow, etc, then yes those schools are considerably more

21k a year on a 50k salary is not doable though is it? that leaves you with 17000 a year!!

ArcticSkewer · 30/03/2023 09:12

Do you both earn similar amounts? If so, maybe it is worth a chat at some point as things become more serious... it would impact how much he can bring to the household and mortgage loan for example.

If you earn less than him, then I'd expect he will have the same conversation with you at some point.

If you earn more - be careful - he may see you as the way he will maintain his lifestyle while he spends on his son!

mondaytosunday · 30/03/2023 09:12

So take away the school fees, how much do you all think you spend on your child a year? Food, clothing, birthdays, birthday parties, Christmas, trips etc? The Times puts this figure at around £11k/year. Some of this would be part of household expenses anyway, but school fees are not the only costs in raising children.
Fees are going up about 5% or more a year. And secondary is significantly more than primary. However I don't agree there's a huge surcharge on top - uniform can be expensive but after the initial cost not so much (you don't replace all of it every year and there's the second hand market) and most activities, other than residential trips, of which there aren't many (in fact my children only managed one which didn't cost much plus one ski trip in 12 years) are built in to the fees.
Anyone considering private education should plan out the full years, taking into account fee increases (as well as salary increases), other living expense increases and so on. Maybe he has savings or parents that will contribute.
Scholarships are usually only worth about 10%, and do come with strings. Bursaries would take in to account his, his ex, and your finances if he's living with you. And it's not just income, it's any holdings, and they look at it with forensic detail. Plus the child would have to be very clever to earn one. I know a few who got scholarships, I don't know any on a bursary.
His decision to consider a private education is between him and his ex, but as PP point out, if it affects how he can contribute to your living situation if you move in together, or if living together affects how much maintenance you get from your ex or the state, it warrants an open and honest discussion.
Too many people move in together without working out how the financial aspect will work, regardless of this particular issue of school fees.
You also refer to 'children' and 'they'. Does he have one child or more? As for him having a girlfriend yet still buy 'them' stuff, they should understand that private fees would impact on this far more than a girlfriend would!

RudsyFarmer · 30/03/2023 09:12

21k a year with potentially a 20% increase each year (as discussed on here last week). With extras on top such as uniform, clubs, trips. Private school is not affordable for most and certainly not on an average salary unless grandparents are helping out too.

AlexaFeedMyKids · 30/03/2023 09:13

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 30/03/2023 08:33

Yes. That was my point. His situation is very different to OPs and so the attempts to compare the two financially are pointless.

Show quote history

So if OPs post said....

"Been with my bf for however long, just found out he's on £31k but I wanted to move in with him and share costs. I only work part time, but I would have hoped he was on more"

Would your reply still be the same?

AbsoIutelyLovely · 30/03/2023 09:13

He can’t afford it. A terms fees, at best will wipe out a months salary. Every three months….

HappinesDependsOnYou · 30/03/2023 09:13

How much do you earn? You say you work part time but not what your income is. If he can pay private fees and match what you would be putting in then it's none of your business. If you will be expected to pay out more then him it is your business and you shouldn't move in with him

Shelefttheweb · 30/03/2023 09:15

And then add in some extra on top of THAT for when private schools lose their charity status and have to start paying VAT, which they probably will when we get a Labour government.

Not just 20% extra VAT, they will also need to cover business rates. Though on the flip side they could stop offering bursaries and any community activities they do.

FrostyFifi · 30/03/2023 09:15

He's obviously entitled to take on ridiculous, unsustainable costs associated with his child but you're equally entitled not to like the impact it will have on you in future as a combined household.
Unfortunately the only option that leaves you though is to walk away from the situation. The whole thing as you've described sounds like a nightmare waiting to happen, I don't see the blending of your two families having any chance of success.

puretit · 30/03/2023 09:16

It's his child and it's his choice to send the child to private or not. However, it is your choice to stay in a relationship where a mans earnings is diminished by debt or private schools fees affecting you when he moves in.

maranella · 30/03/2023 09:18

swayingpalmtree · 30/03/2023 09:12

They really aren't. My DS is a day pupil at a top secondary school and his fees are £21k a year (without any extras). If you're talking Eton, Harrow, etc, then yes those schools are considerably more

21k a year on a 50k salary is not doable though is it? that leaves you with 17000 a year!!

No, absolutely not, which is why in my previous post I said there is no way he can afford to send his DC to private school on a salary of £50k. Obviously, that salary will go more or less far in different parts of the country, but as this guy is funding his own home and presumably at least part of his ex's home, plus 'buying stuff' for his child that sees him as 'the bank of dad', I'd say he's already spent that £50k salary without adding in any more expenses. As a PP said, if he's willing to go along with his ex's greedy plan then I'd worry that he can't do maths. He simply cannot afford to spend anything from £12-21k per year on school fees.