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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wants to return home

137 replies

Aussiewife · 29/03/2023 21:35

My first ever post so forgive any mistakes. I am from the UK, my husband is Australian. We have been together 11 years and married 5. We have 2 kids under 5.
We have lived in the UK for the last 7 years. Before that we lived together in Australia for 3 years. We met while he was travelling the UK and I moved to Australia to be with him.
When we moved to the UK he never saw it as a permanent thing and I always agreed we would one day return to Australia. However every time he has suggested returning, he has always agreed to stay in the UK for a few more years.
Now he is desperate for us to move there in 2 years when our mortgage ends. I feel sick at the thought of it. We have a good life here, a nice house, well paid jobs and our children are very happy. I just can't imagine moving them, especially our eldest away from all his friends and everything they know.
We are in South England and all my family in Scotland so we have no family support nearby. Although we see my parents monthly and the kids are very close to them. I have one sibling and they live in Australia so moving to Australia would mean being closer to them and it would be nice for our kids to grow up with their cousins. We would living in the same city as my sibling. My husbands parents would be 2 hours away.
I just can't imagine leaving our life here. Aibu to tell my husband I don't want to go?
Sorry its for the long post.

OP posts:
RoddyStJames · 29/03/2023 21:57

If you don’t want to go, you don’t want to go. But, you need to tell him sooner rather than later. It’s unfair for him to be counting down the months and then you spring it on him in 18 or 20 months time.

gamerchick · 29/03/2023 22:00

It's fine not to want to go, but it's not fair to future fake, or whatever it's called. You need to let him make his choices OP.

Shoxfordian · 29/03/2023 22:01

Yabu to have always agreed it when it’s not something you want

MuffinToSeeHere · 29/03/2023 22:02

You need to tell him asap it's very cruel to keep dangling the carrot that you agree you will move back only to then unilaterally decide to take it away with no warning.

I suspect he rightly feel very cross and that you lied to him and he will need some time to process what he thinks his next step should be in whether he can remain here or if he wants to move back. Tell him, give him space and then prepare for some very difficult conversations.

PeachPiePrincess · 29/03/2023 22:02

I wouldn't worry too much about moving away children from their friends at that age TBH
Could you rent out your house in the UK and trial it for a few years?

Dotcheck · 29/03/2023 22:03

Why don’t you want to go? How did you feel about living there before?
Your kids are an excellent age to move, and honestly, there is such value in having cousins/ extended family nearby.
Are your parents fit and well? Would they be able to spend extended periods of time there?

Circumferences · 29/03/2023 22:04

You knew all along that he didn't want to live in the uk permanently, so now the time has come to accept the reality of that.

Glitterbaby17 · 29/03/2023 22:04

Having been there and done the move back at DHs urging when I really didn’t want to I would listen to your gut. Some people love Australia and want to stay, if you’ve lived there before so know what it’s like and still don’t want to you are likely to be unhappy. It’s not the big sunshine adventure the second time…

MissEira · 29/03/2023 22:09

Of course you are unreasonable. You agreed to go and now that hes “tied down” with a family you changed your mind. He can hardly go without you and the kids now. Maybe of you hd told him from the start, that you dont want to live there, he could hve made different choices.

Paesano · 29/03/2023 22:11

Your kids are a good age for moving - they'd be fine and it would only get harder to move them. It sounds like you'd have more of a support network and family there. Why don't you go for a few years and then see how you feel?

Original poster
Aussiewife · 29/03/2023 22:12

It's not that I have never wanted to go..I did and thought we would until we had our children.

OP posts:
Pythonesque · 29/03/2023 22:15

I agree you need to open up discussions. I think you might have to be quite frank, say, I'm worried because I can see how much you want to be there, and similarly I feel ill thinking of leaving here.

Can I suggest that possibly a useful approach would be to sit down and go through the practicalities in fine detail. Consider the differences systematically across all areas of your lives. Look closely at education, broadly specifically to the area you are in and where you might move to. Think through issues of weather/climate/lifestyle (how do you both react to extremes of weather for example). Think about healthcare and health related costs, factoring in insurance (how old are you, will you earn enough to have to take out insurance in Australia, will this be at a significantly higher rate unless you move back "soon"?). Jobs/taxation/savings/pensions etc. Hobbies and interests that are important to each of you. Attitudes to return trips, how often are they likely to be viable (cost/time wise).

That "work" might help you move past the raw emotions of it all, and hopefully give you a mutual framework for wor.king out what to do.

I can absolutely see where you are coming from. We moved Australia to UK, I prefer the climate here, DH struggles with cold weather and is less bother by heat. His immediate family are still there, my sister is also in the UK. Had I been interested in going back there were times when that would have happened. Our children have I think had a better overall education here, but I can't say that was guaranteed at just any school.

Good luck!

Tryphenia · 29/03/2023 22:16

Yanbu not to want to go, obviously, but surely this has always been an obvious pressure point, as with any relationship between two people from distant countries, especially once there are children? Why are you so head in the sand about it all? How/why did you move to the UK after you’d initially moved to Aus to be with him? Had you agreed to live only temporarily in Aus? What was the agreement when you both moved to the UK? Had you talked though having your children there?

MuffinToSeeHere · 29/03/2023 22:17

Aussiewife · 29/03/2023 22:12

It's not that I have never wanted to go..I did and thought we would until we had our children.

Surely though if he's brought it up more than once in the last 5 years then you can see you've been unreasonable, lied to him and chosen to mislead him on your intentions.

He obviously isn't settled here and wants to move back, you admit you'd have more support and family if you moved and your children are so young they will easily make friends which seems to be your biggest issue. What else is actually holding you back?

NotStayingIn · 29/03/2023 22:19

For your children it would be better to move sooner rather than later so I wouldn't necessarily worry about that. Can you both get good jobs in Australia? But as mentioned, if you really never want to go you need to tell that to him right now so he can plan his life accordingly.

billybear · 29/03/2023 22:39

my friends sister went to live there for 2 years just came back could not settle,they rented their house so have a hiuse to return to

Cantstaystuckforever · 29/03/2023 22:49

NotStayingIn · 29/03/2023 22:19

For your children it would be better to move sooner rather than later so I wouldn't necessarily worry about that. Can you both get good jobs in Australia? But as mentioned, if you really never want to go you need to tell that to him right now so he can plan his life accordingly.

Why should he have to plan his life according to her wish? She's lied to him for years, if she's known since having kids that she doesn't want to return.

If there was a woman who came on to say she was trapped in Australia with a husband who promised to come back to her home in the UK, where her family live, but also his own sibling, there would be an outcry.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 29/03/2023 22:52

I wouldn’t go to Australia as a women just now. They don’t believe in it.

NotStayingIn · 29/03/2023 22:56

Cantstaystuckforever · 29/03/2023 22:49

Why should he have to plan his life according to her wish? She's lied to him for years, if she's known since having kids that she doesn't want to return.

If there was a woman who came on to say she was trapped in Australia with a husband who promised to come back to her home in the UK, where her family live, but also his own sibling, there would be an outcry.

Show quote history

I think we are saying the same thing! She needs to stop lying to him. He needs to know the truth asap. He might decide to stay, might decide to break up, who knows. But it's very unfair to keep him in the dark like this. He's making decisions not knowing the full facts.

MuffinToSeeHere · 29/03/2023 23:02

He's making decisions not knowing the full facts.

This is the crux of the issue. In the last 7 years since he moved to the UK he's rightly been under the assumption the joint idea was at some point to move back.

In that time he's got married and had 2 children all under the assumption they would move home soon the UK was just temporary and that his children would grow up in Australia and now he's going to find out that for at least the last 5 of those 7 years he's been lied to and misled.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/03/2023 23:04

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 29/03/2023 22:52

I wouldn’t go to Australia as a women just now. They don’t believe in it.

Agreed.

Clymene · 29/03/2023 23:06

I wouldn't move to Australia. Also if you move there and split up, you can't bring your children back to the U.K. so you're stuck fhere.

How old are your kids?

Luredbyapomegranate · 29/03/2023 23:07

Aussiewife · 29/03/2023 22:12

It's not that I have never wanted to go..I did and thought we would until we had our children.

It’s natural to change your mind about big life decisions (like moving to the other side of the planet) when major life changes happen (having kids).

You just have to open the conversation with him, you don’t have to feel bad about having changed your mind, but you do have to tell him now.

Drop the arguments about not wanting to move your kids because they are happy in the Uk - they are little and will adapt fine.
You’ve lived in Australia so what is it that you don’t like and don’t want? It will help you to be clear and your husband also.

It’s a bit of a mess but life is like that. You will just have to worth through it.

Clymene · 29/03/2023 23:08

Oh sorry, you said under 5. So if you move, you're there at least 15 years.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/03/2023 23:09

I agree with all the comments about you agreeing to return and reneging on your agreement. He’s going to be really cross. But you need to tell him asap. It isn’t fair to keep him dangling. As for moving to just try it, you now know the risks involved. You could be trapped abroad with your kids, the same as he is here.

I have a foreign dh but from much closer to home. We never really decided upon the ultimate future but it was understood we’d probably stay in the uk. Dh likes it here, which is really important. I think you’ve both been really naive.