Husband wants to return home

[Aussiewife]

My first ever post so forgive any mistakes. I am from the UK, my husband is Australian. We have been together 11 years and married 5. We have 2 kids under 5.
We have lived in the UK for the last 7 years. Before that we lived together in Australia for 3 years. We met while he was travelling the UK and I moved to Australia to be with him.
When we moved to the UK he never saw it as a permanent thing and I always agreed we would one day return to Australia. However every time he has suggested returning, he has always agreed to stay in the UK for a few more years.
Now he is desperate for us to move there in 2 years when our mortgage ends. I feel sick at the thought of it. We have a good life here, a nice house, well paid jobs and our children are very happy. I just can't imagine moving them, especially our eldest away from all his friends and everything they know.
We are in South England and all my family in Scotland so we have no family support nearby. Although we see my parents monthly and the kids are very close to them. I have one sibling and they live in Australia so moving to Australia would mean being closer to them and it would be nice for our kids to grow up with their cousins. We would living in the same city as my sibling. My husbands parents would be 2 hours away.
I just can't imagine leaving our life here. Aibu to tell my husband I don't want to go?
Sorry its for the long post.

I don’t think it’s likely OP has been deliberately misleading him for 5 years. I imagine she thought that since she’d be happy to return to Aus before kids, once the kids left baby and toddler hood and life settled she’d be happy to again. But as it turns out she isn’t. There’s nothing odd or wrong with that. But she needs to level with him now.

The people who are saying ''why did you agree to go...'', FFS circumstances and priorities do change in life.

The OP and her kids are settled and happy here. They live in a nice house and the OP has a good job.

Why would she want to leave that?

I would also think twice about moving to Australia due to climate change.

There is no point about banging on about what she should have done and not done, that's a complete waste of time and energy. The point is she realised she does not want to leave.

So back to you OP if your kids are settled and happy and if you also like your life here I don't think you should be forced to move based on the wishes of one person.

I would however be honest with your husband now and tell him that you no longer see a move to Australia as the best thing for you and your children. He will have to decide whether his family is more important than he desire to go home.

If you stay silent and move for his sake, you will end up resenting him and being unhappy.

Moving permanently is a huge decision. And you can’t really say how you will feel in years to come, especially after having kids as your life changes so much. It’s not unexpected that you both will want to live in your ‘home’ country. The only thing you can do is be honest with him. If he has been counting on moving he may be devastated. What will happen if he goes back without you? You might want to try couples counselling to get you through this.

I have to say why on earth did he have kids in a country he didn't want to stay in?

It's not unreasonable to change your mind. That doesn't mean you were lying previously just you don't want to now.

And that's ok. Having kids changes stuff

With the current international situation there is no way I would migrate with kids to a country you are not 110% percent about. You might well end up with the situation in reverse, stuck there if you find you don't like it and your husband doesn't want/won't allow the kids to return to the UK.

Yes you need to tell him. But whatever you do don't move.

Let’s stop with the accusations of ‘lying’ I am sure OP meant it at the time, bit life throws up new considerations and priorities/ preferences change.

i am in OP’s husbands shoes btw. We had agreed to move back to my home country, but then covid and kids starting school and job uncertainty. I do wish we had been able to make the move, but I also understand why we couldn’t (or maybe could have but decided it wasn’t worth it). I mourn the lost opportunity but also understand the trade off and choice made.

OP you need to have this dialogue (not a conversation-but multiple conversations) to weigh priorities and come to an agreement together. I was ultimately ok with staying in Uk with a few concessions, but I needed to come to the decision on my own

What about just playing along untill then and see what's his perspective is

YANBU to tell him how you feel but it would be UR to expect that to be the end of the conversation. Marriage is about communication and compromise. You haven't explained why you haven't been discussing it with him. You also haven't provided good reasons why the move wouldn't actually be better for your family (ie you, DH and DCs). You need to have an honest conversation and you need to be open to the possibility that the move might actually be better for everyone.

I feel for you, OP. It's hard when you and partner are pulled to different countries. I've been there too, and though we loved each other and really tried, it finished by splitting us up. We didn't have children, though.

You haven't lied, or future-faked, or done anything wrong. Your feelings changed while you stayed here, the way things often happen.

Are you sure it's not the upheaval of moving that disturbs you most?
As you say, you'd be near a sibling and DCs' cousins. The DC are at a good age to move, and I think their prospects in Australia are probably better than in the UK.

Importantly, did you like living in Australia when you were there? It's a different culture, for good and bad. Did you fit in relatively easily?

Could you rent out your home here and try Australia for a year or so?

Best of luck, whatever you decide.

I was I a very similar situation (bar the children). My partner was upfront with me from the very beginning (it was very serious very soon) that he always wanted to return to NZ. I did go because he couldn’t stand it in the UK any more and I couldn’t see him suffer. In the long term it didn’t work out but I had to go because we loved each other, he’d been straight from the start and I wanted to be with him. The breakdown wasn’t caused by the move. I think you should give it a go OP. You could be passing up a life of happiness together. Also if he sees that you have given it a good go but are unhappy then he may be happy to return to the UK. Have faith and make the leap.

Things to consider:

• Relationships change when you change the context. Things may get better… or worse as he reintegrates himself in his culture while you deal with possible culture shock (but he has done that for you already, so he is just asking for his turn back)
• if you go and you don’t like it, he may refuse to move back and if that happens, you may end up feeling resentful with each other and your relationship may get sour or end.
• if you split… good luck at trying to get back to the UK with your children. If they are settled there and have a good relationship with their dad the chances of a court ruling to let you take the kids back to your country and away from his Australian dad are very very small.

Personally, I would rather let my marriage fail in a familiar place where I know how the things work than having my children trapped in a country I do not even want to move to.

I would also think twice about moving to Australia due to climate change

This comes up on just about every thread to do with Australia. It's very important to remember that climate change has not, does not and will not affect the UK.

This is why I tell all my kids NEVER to have kids with someone from another country and in another country unless they are 100% sure they want to stay in that country forever. The reality is they are not just stuck for 18 years but for life really if they want to remain geographically close to them (in same country). I know several people here who are now trapped as they have divorced and want to ‘go home’ but spouse, rightly so, won’t agree to them taking kids overseas permanently and our court system certainly doesn’t allow it. Then there’s the case described here where promises are made but circumstances seem to change in favour of the person in the country they want to be in. I push these unfortunate cases in my kids faces at every opportunity to get them to think about these things before racing off with people and having kids.

No answers OP, a stuffed situation all round. I think the reality is staying put and just accepting that you will have a DH who will resent you for the rest of your life. Getting angry and begrudging him that would be a poor show on your behalf so I’d just suck that aspect up and move on as it is what it is at this point.

I don’t think you should move to a country you don’t want to live in. What happens next will be a difficult. Either DH will accept it and move past it, or he won’t.

Only you know if you’ve been lying to him, or genuinely changed your mind, or genuinely thought things would be different after a couple of years. But you need to be honest with him now.

Of course not, it is not that we are not seeing houses going down cliffs often, experiencing serious heatwaves more often and don’t start me on regular flooding and droughts… All quiet here… 😉🤣

I agree it's important to discuss this with him now.

I totally agree with everything @MonkeyMindAllOverAround said. Just be honest with him how you feel and do it as soon as possible.

It’s normal to change your mind on things like these as you grow older and particularly have children. It will be very hard, likely impossible to return, if you go. I would caution doing so.

However every time he has suggested returning, he has always agreed to stay in the UK for a few more years.

it sounds like he was asking before you had children and if that’s the case it would be a quite unfair for you to use the children as a reason not to move back now, besides if they haven’t started school yet, it’s the perfect time to move them, they’d settle again and make new friends.

me personally I’d be weighing things up VERY carefully, a lot has changed in the last few years and that is as good a reason as any to open a dialogue on any doubt you now have, but you should probably try and get to the bottom of what is really bothering you about the move before you discuss it further, hopefully he’s willing to sit down and weigh it up completely.

but, ultimately, I’d be asking, can the children have a better life over there? If so, will that be enough to cast aside any doubts you have? I’ve got a two year old and I feel really quite apprehensive about the uk that she’s going to grow up in, but we live in a shit area, we’re planning on moving to a nicer area before she starts school, but everything is hard and getting harder here, no matter where you are.. no idea what it’s like in Australia though!

good luck OP, it’s a difficult problem to negotiate.

I always agreed we would one day return to Australia

But now you've changed your mind?

Why should your wishes trump his?

Talk to each other like adults. Maybe he wants to see more of his family.

Be citizens of the World.
In two years time it will be the perfect time to move.
Your children will make friends at school and they will have great memories of Scotland and their grandparents.
Try to get jobs that transfer well and back again to UK if you wish after seven years out there.
Keep your house and rent it out; you can always go back and it is a good investment.
Buy or rent in Australia.
How wonderful for you to live in the same city as your sibling while the kids are young.
Your parents will be able to visit once every year or two and visa versa.
I think you will regret not moving.
Once the kids are in upper secondary education, you will be able to choose which university system to aim for.
Do right by your promise. It is only fair that your husband can live with his children in Australia for a few years.
It's whether you wish to join them and make it a positive experience, I guess.

I don't agree that it will be hard to return - or to live - say seven years Aus, five years UK, five years AUS etc.
The schooling systems compliment each other. There are advantages to both at certain stages.
We know two families that traverse, with friends in each country, every five years and some every two years.
Why would you never comeback should you wish?
Of course you can.

The hard to return bit is that if he doesn’t want to, she won’t be able to force the issue.

I wouldn’t leave based on ‘fairness’ around your change of heart. It’s really hard, but it’s too big a deal to sacrifice yourself over. Shit happens unfortunately, and one of you is going to be unhappy. Women usually end up being the one that capitulates but you only have one life. Don’t do it if you really don’t want to.

I wouldn't go before my children were adults. If you go and split up you will be stuck there as you will be very unlikely to be allowed to take your children back to the UK.

For me it would be too much of a risk. If the move doesn't work and you / dc are very unhappy he is unlikely to agree to you moving back.

If you do consider it, get legal advice from a good family lawyer. Maybe if you kept your house, sabbatical from job etc you can price it was never a permanent move if you wanted / needed to come back.

Having divorced and gone through a nightmare custody battle I would do anything to avoid a situation like that again.