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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wants to return home

137 replies

Aussiewife · 29/03/2023 21:35

My first ever post so forgive any mistakes. I am from the UK, my husband is Australian. We have been together 11 years and married 5. We have 2 kids under 5.
We have lived in the UK for the last 7 years. Before that we lived together in Australia for 3 years. We met while he was travelling the UK and I moved to Australia to be with him.
When we moved to the UK he never saw it as a permanent thing and I always agreed we would one day return to Australia. However every time he has suggested returning, he has always agreed to stay in the UK for a few more years.
Now he is desperate for us to move there in 2 years when our mortgage ends. I feel sick at the thought of it. We have a good life here, a nice house, well paid jobs and our children are very happy. I just can't imagine moving them, especially our eldest away from all his friends and everything they know.
We are in South England and all my family in Scotland so we have no family support nearby. Although we see my parents monthly and the kids are very close to them. I have one sibling and they live in Australia so moving to Australia would mean being closer to them and it would be nice for our kids to grow up with their cousins. We would living in the same city as my sibling. My husbands parents would be 2 hours away.
I just can't imagine leaving our life here. Aibu to tell my husband I don't want to go?
Sorry its for the long post.

OP posts:
echt · 30/03/2023 03:32

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 29/03/2023 22:52

I wouldn’t go to Australia as a women just now. They don’t believe in it.

Hard to respond to due to piss-poor grammar/expression, meaning I don't know what the poster is on about. If anything.

Codlingmoths · 30/03/2023 03:33

Is it really about putting your children first? Your children could have an amazing life in Australia, and moving children around is not by definition a bad thing. It sounds like they’d see more family in Australia (you don’t mention your dhs family either).
I think yabu, both to say it’s about the dc, and to think it won’t change your marriage forever if not end it for you to turn around and say actually I’m not going.
I had my dc in london. London was amazing and I loved it. My dc have a better life now we are in Australia. My nieces and nephews moved away when they were late primary school and are now coming back as soon as they are able.

Codlingmoths · 30/03/2023 03:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You are both ridiculous. Yes australia is grappling with gender identity which I do mostly disagree with but for gods sake it wouldn’t define your life here. And of course it’s not going to be vastly less sexist than the uk.

Roselilly36 · 30/03/2023 04:14

Not unreasonable for your DH to want to return home. I had a friend in a similar situation, however not so far away, her DH said I have lived where you wanted to for 20 years, now want to be close to my home/family etc. They moved much to the upset of her mum & dad. It has worked out ok for them. But this is your life, if you don’t want to go I can understand that, but you need to be honest with DH. Good luck OP.

MermaidMummy06 · 30/03/2023 04:27

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 29/03/2023 22:52

I wouldn’t go to Australia as a women just now. They don’t believe in it.

I'm glad you wouldn't come here.

We don't need uneducated bogans who have zero idea of our lives except what you read online.

marcopront · 30/03/2023 04:52

You need to have a discussion with him about it.

Someone said "you haven't lied, you have just changed your mind". I disagree because by not telling him you have changed your mind you are deceiving him.

You say his family will be two hours away as if that is a bad thing but your family are much further away.

Why is you being in the same land mass as your family more important than him being in the same landmass as his family?

CoffeeBean5 · 30/03/2023 05:04

Would you be financially better off and have better career prospects in Australia?

emptythelitterbox · 30/03/2023 05:13

No way would I move to sexist and racist Australia.

Whatsthefrequencykenny · 30/03/2023 05:31

Do not tell him that your four year olds friendships are more important to you than he is as a husband or his feelings or wants. That is just a see through and lame excuse. If you don't want to go, say it but don't blame it on Johnny who lives four doors down and that Billy just could never leave him. People and families move all the time. Kids move all the time. I am not sure what the percentage of people are who always stay in the same home with the same friends throughout life but I doubt it is that high.

Remaker · 30/03/2023 05:41

I’m Australian living in Australia and married to an Englishman. Fortunately he believes life is better here and is happy to stay. We visit as often as we can and are both keen to spend more time in the UK once our kids have left school.

The majority of our friends here are from the UK. We’ve seen your situation come up many times with our friends. It is extremely difficult to resolve because effectively it requires one partner to sacrifice their preferred home to make the other partner happy. Some people never resolve it and split up. And some have moved back to the UK, regretted it and come back to Australia again.

With young children under 5 this isn’t about their happiness. They’re a perfect age to move and will adapt well. It is about you and your husband. You need to have an open and honest discussion about why you don’t want to move and why you believe that the UK will provide a better future for your family. And you need to listen to his reasons with an open mind. Good luck.

Tourmalines · 30/03/2023 05:55

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 29/03/2023 22:52

I wouldn’t go to Australia as a women just now. They don’t believe in it.

good, don’t come. Ignorance is not a good thing.

Tourmalines · 30/03/2023 05:58

emptythelitterbox · 30/03/2023 05:13

No way would I move to sexist and racist Australia.

Another ignorant twat .

lugeanjaam · 30/03/2023 06:09

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 29/03/2023 22:52

I wouldn’t go to Australia as a women just now. They don’t believe in it.

Urgh such ignorance and stupidity.

Please educate yourself OP, your attitude is embarrassing.

TheJanitor · 30/03/2023 06:15

Id be concerned that if you wanted to move back to the uk at any point, he could stop you taking the children.

Original poster
Aussiewife · 30/03/2023 06:18

I wouldn't say I've lied to him, my mind has changed. Especially after a recent visit to Australia...it wasnt the same as I remembered and my husband knows that. I think I was seeing it through a different perspective having kids.
We agreed to move to the UK to get married and start a family. I wouldn't say my husband is unhappy here. He finds the winters tough but he has a good job, friends and a few hobbies here.
He could get a similar paid job in Oz but mine would be less well paid.
And although his parents would be 2 hours away they are much less hands on grandparents than mine so we couldn't rely on them for much childcare.
I have suggested renting out our house but I don't think it is possible as we are paying back our help to buy and the rent wouldn't be enough to cover that.
I think one of my main reasons for not wanting to go is leaving my parents with no children nearby...what if something happened and they needed help/support. My husband has a number of siblings so doesn't have that worry about his parents. The other one is probably fear...I'm scared to leave everything we know and the routine we have...we have a great support network of friends here and I'm terrified of moving there and having no one. Apart from my sibling who to be honest I am not particularly close to...we are very different people. Anyone who I was good friends with when we lived there previously has moved away. I know I will make friends there, especially through the children but it's the initial period with no one that scares me.

OP posts:
Zipettydooda · 30/03/2023 06:24

As time goes by and circumstances change you are allowed to change your mind.
I can understand why you don’t want to go back there but you’re best to tell him now.

Bansheed · 30/03/2023 06:25

I have lived in both countries and have dual citizenship, but now live somewhere else.

Australia is more racist generally ( though my UK MIL would rival anything i heard there). Aus does feel behind; the humour a bit rougher, quite parochial but the quality of life there, I found to be better. I definitely enjoyed living there more and I miss my friends there dearly. My happiest years were spent there.

The rain is insane but the sun is fantastic and there is a breakfast and beach culture, which I and my kids loved.

Schools are good.

Your main issue is if you don't settle you won't be able to take the kids back to the UK unless their father agrees. I don't know if you can mitigate that with a contract? Worth exploring.

hallodarknessmyoldfriend · 30/03/2023 06:26

YANBU to change your mind and he is not unreasonable to want to move back to Australia. You need to tell him asap, hopefully you will be able to find a compromise.

It's a really tough situation to be in, but not uncommon in couples from different countries. I was in a very similar situation and we were on a brink of a break up because I couldn't cope staying in his country. I started resenting him towards the end as he kept changing the moving date - at the end we moved and he is actually very happy here and glad we made a move.

You need to have an honest discussion as soon as possible, because this won't go away.

Snugglemonkey · 30/03/2023 06:30

Clymene · 29/03/2023 23:06

I wouldn't move to Australia. Also if you move there and split up, you can't bring your children back to the U.K. so you're stuck fhere.

How old are your kids?

Ike he is after being misled by op?

Snowontheblow · 30/03/2023 06:33

At the moment, you have the upper hand so to speak as you cannot be forced to move, whereas in Australia you could be prevented from moving back until your dc are adults (well you could move back, but without your dc which I assume wouldn't be an option).
So think very carefully before you give that up.

Dibbydoos · 30/03/2023 06:40

How do the children feel?

Is it worth taking them over there for a few weeks during school holidays to start establishing with them the changes between SE England and where you'll settle in Australia? The environment is completely different and they might like that.

And ref jobs, if you have the right skill sets you'll pick up jobs in Australia no probs. Having a house that's mortgage free in SE of UK will either be a good investment to rent out or give you a tidy sum to buy a new house in Australia.

savoycabbage · 30/03/2023 06:52

I don't think it's particularly helpful to the OP to let this descend once again into an argument about which country is 'better'.

That's not really what her problem is about. There isn't a right answer and there never will be.

I think what is really important is that you don't lose yourself here and what you want and what's best for you. Don't be someone who sacrifices their own life because other people think it's better for your children. You are allowed to want things for yourself even though you are someone's mother.

I can completely understand why you thought you would want to go after you had children. That's exactly what happened to me! Exactly. You are a different person before children. Free and adventurous. You have only yourself to be responsible for.

👋 Hi @echt hope everything is good with you.

Silverperch · 30/03/2023 06:54

I am in a similiar situation with kids and DH from another country. We met in the UK, moved back to Australia where I'm from for a number of years and now in his birth country. And talking of moving back to Australia, for a while!

Australia was a big culture shock after 12 years in the UK but great for little kids - nice public schools, playgrounds, lots of museums, galleries and festivals etc. My suggestion would be to rent out your place in the UK and if you're both working and not living somewhere too expensive try to buy a townhouse in Australia - property prices are falling and the rental situation is pretty dire, so if you can buy something small it's better than renting.

And talk to your DH about trying it out first and seeing how you like it but keeping one foot in the UK with a home there.

follyfoot37 · 30/03/2023 07:00

Sorry, but yabu; you said you would go back to live in Oz, you should go back.
I don't get the parents may need care bit. What if they lived abroad? Who would be caring for them then? What if you had stayed in Oz the first time?
Your kids are at a very adaptable age. Many kids in this country move away from friends and family regularly (military, diplomatic families etc). And what a fantastic opportunity for the. What an amazing country to grow up in. Why deny them that chance?

PurpleFlower1983 · 30/03/2023 07:05

The kids world be absolutely fine, you need to be honest with him and tell him you don’t want to go. Be prepared for him to be gutted though, you’ve led him on a bit!