Husband wants to return home

[Aussiewife]

My first ever post so forgive any mistakes. I am from the UK, my husband is Australian. We have been together 11 years and married 5. We have 2 kids under 5.
We have lived in the UK for the last 7 years. Before that we lived together in Australia for 3 years. We met while he was travelling the UK and I moved to Australia to be with him.
When we moved to the UK he never saw it as a permanent thing and I always agreed we would one day return to Australia. However every time he has suggested returning, he has always agreed to stay in the UK for a few more years.
Now he is desperate for us to move there in 2 years when our mortgage ends. I feel sick at the thought of it. We have a good life here, a nice house, well paid jobs and our children are very happy. I just can't imagine moving them, especially our eldest away from all his friends and everything they know.
We are in South England and all my family in Scotland so we have no family support nearby. Although we see my parents monthly and the kids are very close to them. I have one sibling and they live in Australia so moving to Australia would mean being closer to them and it would be nice for our kids to grow up with their cousins. We would living in the same city as my sibling. My husbands parents would be 2 hours away.
I just can't imagine leaving our life here. Aibu to tell my husband I don't want to go?
Sorry its for the long post.

I’d be concerned of moving, not liking it and wanting to return but being stuck out there because of the kids. I do feel for your dh though.

So I saw this suggested in a counselor’s magazine column as a way of resolving a different No-comprise-possible decision couples have to make (about how many kids to have):
Can you both spend some time imagining a scenario where you are not living in your preferred country but you are happy? What would that look like?
So you imagine a life in Australia where you are happy. What would you need for that to be the case? Trips to the UK every Christmas with the kids to see your parents? A house with a garden? Melbourne rather than Brisbane for the climate? A full time job and an au pair? A part time job in school hours? Paying for your parents to fly over to visit once every few years? And understanding you will need to fly to the UK and stay for a number of weeks to sort out your parents if they reach a crisis point in the future (eg. When they can’t safely live at home and need either an extensive care contract or setting up in a retirement home).

And your husband needs to do the same for a life where you’re still in the UK. What would he need to be happy? A trip to Australia every year? Australia in the school holidays plus a week in the sun somewhere cheaper and closer mid winter? To get Australian passports for the kids so they have that choice later? A sabbatical year soon where you all spend a year in Australia but as a temporary thing?
Neither of you will be imagining your ideal scenario. Just one where you are happy.

I would also think twice about moving to Australia due to climate change.

I'd think twice about staying in a country that is on its last legs. The OP may have a nice life here and for now. Her husband hasn't, and has always been clear he wanted to return to Australia - which the OP agreed to do and never raised any doubts over for several years (and still hasn't, it would seem). But also, what about the children's future? Does anyone truly think that prices will fall, cost of living crises will be over (as opposed to just becoming the norm), that the NHS and public services are going to improve with new investment, etc., etc? It's convenient for the government to blame all this on the Ukraine war or whatever else they can claim isn't within their control, but that fact is that things won't get any better, they are very likely to get a lot worse, and even with a decent start in life the future can look rather bleak for many.

This is such good advice.

OP it’s totally reasonable that you’ve changed your mind, but you absolutely need to tell him ASAP to start the discussions about moving forward.

Sorry, but yabu; you said you would go back to live in Oz, you should go back.
This is quite honestly ridiculous. This isn't about whether she ordered a side of chips.

She thought she would want to. Now she doesn't, probably because she's had children.

What an amazing country to grow up in. Why deny them that chance?
I take it you live in Finland or wherever it is that has the best quality of living. I don't think you can live your life thinking that you are denying your children something by not living in another county.

This is a really tough situation. I think when you have children your perspective can really change. It is natural to prioritise different things, like stability over adventure, especially if you are doing most of the care of the kids.

Relationship dynamics can change and it's possible that you might feel slightly more vulnerable and more aware of needing a network so as not to become isolated, and the idea of a big life change might be coloured by this. Wanting to be near your parents could also be part of this. It might be a small shift towards these feelings, but enough to make you feel wary.

You do see places through different eyes after having children too.

And the thing is that if you do go and invest in a life there and you don't like it, you will then be dependent on your DH agreeing to return or else you won't be able to come back with the children. Even if the marriage broke down you wouldn't be able to come back with them without his agreement. That's a massive thing to take on board that will have felt very different pre-children. Non-international couples don't have that reality to contend with. So it's very reasonable to think carefully.

There is someone else's life and their hopes as part of this too and that's very hard to balance. But really think about where your qualms are coming from and then you'll have to try and figure this out together.

I do think it's a positive that your sibling is there and that the cousins will be close. Their family could be the way into establishing a new network there. But I understand if you are not that close, this might not feel like it would make up for the loss of other relationships. One other thought is that when the children start school you'll develop friends around that too.

Good luck with figuring this out!

If you have a good life in the UK, (which it sounds like you all have), then I wouldn't go. The grass is rarely greener.

Whatever decision you end up making, for the sake of your children, don't change it again for at least a decade.

My mother was a trailing spouse for most of my childhood, she is Australian, my father French but they met in the UK. They went back to Australia just before I was born, my father hated it and we (I have a younger and older brother) then spent the next 15 years being dragged back and forth between the two countries (and all over the world).

It would have been far better if one of them (and it really should have been my mother) had put their foot down when we all started school and refused to move until our education was over. I'm 55 this year and my life is still being affected by the decisions that were made then. Personally, I wouldn't go back. Even though I still see Australia as 'home' - and the only family I have left live there - I have no desire to go back on a permanent basis. Australia has much the same problems as the UK.

I think this is really difficult. I feel very sorry for your husband in that he is essentially "stuck" here. He cant realistically move back home without you all, as he wouldn't be able to take the children with him and I imagine he wouldnt want to be so far away from then.

Its hard as you always agreed it would be the plan to move back once you had children but then, people do change their minds...you weren't to know how you would feel 4 years ago.

I think you need to sit down together and write down a detailed plan of what life would potentially be like in Aus, how you would manage trips home, potential emergencies back home, finances, jobs, lifestyle, where you would live etc...everything. And then discuss potential solutions for any cons in detail... Not just the emotion behind them,but how you might potentially overcome that. If you still cant see a life for yourself out there, then i think it needs to be clear that for you, moving to Aus is off the table and you and your husband should then try to come up with realistic solutions for his cons of remaining in the UK eg how to manage winters here, more or longer trips back home to his family.

If you go you won't be able to come back! That is the reality.
Australians always go back to Oz.

@follyfoot37
“Sorry, but yabu; you said you would go back to live in Oz, you should go back.
I don't get the parents may need care bit. What if they lived abroad? Who would be caring for them then? What if you had stayed in Oz the first time?
Your kids are at a very adaptable age. Many kids in this country move away from friends and family regularly (military, diplomatic families etc). And what a fantastic opportunity for the. What an amazing country to grow up in. Why deny them that chance?”

OP is allowed to change her mind. It was years ago and circumstances change.
It’s like consenting to an operation then being told , “sorry you agreed, no changing your mind now !”

I have lived in uk and Australia and definitely agree with this.

It doesn’t matter what you said in the past. It is a huge decision, and one that possibly can’t be undone if you change your mind.

I think you need to be honest to your husband as soon as possible. He needs to know the truth.
To everyone saying you should move to oz because you said years ago you would are ridiculous. How wonderful for the children, what an opportunity ect very rose tinted viiew my opinion.
My friend is in Australia now with her dh and children. She hates it. Shes late 30s found it hard to make deep friendships, she feels isolated, it's very expensive and she clashes with his family too. She is desperate to come home. She's very depressed and guess what her dh is refusing to move back. It's causing alot of problems between them. She is now stuck there. She can split with him and move back on her own but without the children hess made that clear.
This is a massive reality. It's not all rainbows and sunsets. Would you be able to cope there forever? What if he doesn't want to move back to the UK. As you know yourself people can change their minds. Good luck op!

Great advice.
Also lived there for nearly 2 decades. It was fine at first but the constant low key hate towards my nationality and difficulty making close friendships took a toll on my mental health.

Its a very expensive beige country. If you're into drink and sport you may fit in, otherwise expect to be isolated.

I don’t understand why you’re not talking to your husband about it. That’s a terrible way to manage a relationship. If you don’t want to go own it and stop future faking him, it’s a shit way to behave and treat someone.

It's not future faking. I doubt their marriage was based on if she'd move to Australia or not. They're settled and established in the UK which he has decided was fine for years. If he would break up their marriage and family on the now far fetched idea of moving, he's silly.

This.

No they don’t.

If you do go you won't be able to get back as they won't let the children leave without DHs agreement. I really wouldn't do it if you aren't keen and the children are happy and settled where they are.
You must tell DH though.

Unless people have been in this circumstances it's impossible to understand. I do.

I feel for you.

It's an incredibly hard decision and one of the biggest most expensive things you'll do in life.

All I can suggest is communicate. Calmly & often, listening to both sides.

There are websites with many similar stories and support eg "British Expats"

I wish you well.

They really don't! What an odd thing to say.

Was replying to Valeriekat

I can understand that you have a good life in the UK & you don’t want to move, but this could change. Just the same as Australia could change, & this in turn would change your mind about going back there. Discuss it with your H.

You say that you wouldn’t want to move your kids away from their friends, I’m not sure this would effect 2 under 5’s that much. It’s not like you would never return.

Although in saying that I met a lady & her mom on a flight a few years back. The lady had emigrated 20+ years ago, & she was taking her mom back to Australia for a few months. This, was the first time they’d seen each other in all that time. I felt quite sad for them both, & often wonder how it worked out with the mom going back home alone.

I feel for you, OP. I have a friend in a similar position, but she has always been very open with her Australian husband that she wouldn't consider living there. They go for a long holiday to see his family every other year and every trip reminds her how much she hates it.

I also know an English guy who went out there with his Australian wife, raised their kids there, and came back to the UK alone once they'd finished their education. I haven't seen him since he's been back, but he told a mutual friend that he'd basically been really homesick for 25 years.

You need to tell him how you feel, and soon.