Page 17 | AIBU to think this is a complete waste of bloody money now?!

TheScreams · 2023-03-29T15:09:15+00:00

For Christmas, DH booked us a weekend away. In reality, what that means is that at 10pm on Christmas Eve, DH realised he hadn’t bought me a bloody Christmas present and so booked an airbnb hut on a campsite for next weekend. He spoke to a relative we were staying with for Christmas and they agreed to have DS and DD for the weekend (booked from Saturday to Monday). I tried to be grateful at the time and not express that it was bloody obvious that he’d thrown it together at the last second and not given it a single second of actual thought. He spoke to the relative a few weeks ago and they told him they can only look after DS and DD from 8pm Saturday until 8am Monday. So, we’ll get to the campsite from midnight on Saturday and will have to leave by 4am on Monday. He’s also not planned anything for the dogs so they’re coming too - so, on Sunday, our only day there, we can’t do anything that’s not dog friendly. But DH didn’t think to mention this until today. I live in a bloody national park so I’m not sure why my Christmas present is travelling across the country, for “two nights” where I don’t get a decent night’s sleep on either and then get to have a dog walk and to sit in a pub for the day. I could bloody well do that two minutes from my house! It’s bloody non-refundable. It feels like a complete and total waste of time and money to go on this trip. AIB a complete bitch to be completely ungrateful for this “gift” that actually just sounds like shit?

Antiquiteas · 31/03/2023 12:04

Chickenly · 31/03/2023 10:35

@Robinni I honestly cannot remember the last time I read anything so shamelessly nasty, dismissive, sexist and blatantly absurd. Take a look at yourself because that is disgraceful.

It’s not “hard work” or “particular” to want electricity and inside toilets. Some women don’t have a fucking oversupply of milk - are you really so stupid that you don’t understand that? Just because you had a sufficient supply to have a huge freezer stash and not care about throwing away milk doesn’t mean that OP does! Men are perfectly capable of arranging holidays if they want to. The fact you’ve actually responded to the comment about OP not wanting to express in a hut with no heat or light in the early hours of the morning by pointing out that her DH won’t mind says everything we need to know - the comment wasn’t about whether or not her fucking DH cares about it! It was about what she might want!

Your entire input has been pointing out all the ways that OP could’ve put up and shut up and run around and worked hard to make this trip enjoyable for her DH!! Does it not occur to you that her Christmas present that she paid for shouldn’t actually be just an opportunity to make him happy at her expense?

Learn to think before you type.

Well said.

she might be prepared to settle for the shit treatment by the men in her life, but I don’t see the OP should be laid into for not doing the same.

Original poster

TheScreams · 31/03/2023 12:04

*you sound incredibly hard work

It genuinely does sound nice

deal with the early start on Monday

Try and cheer up, many are not able to afford such luxuries at the moment*

Your entire comment was being nasty to OP, telling her she’s wrong and that she’s controlling and doesn’t understand breastfeeding. She has a breast pump, why the fuck are you giving unsolicited breastfeeding advice and telling her that her breastfeeding struggle is “really not a big deal”, shaming her for not having pints of milk on stand by and then inventing that she hates surprises and is so overwhelmed that she’s incapable of rational judgement. At no point has OP said either of those and it’s a really offensive invention that a woman is upset so she must be controlling and hysterical.

OP posts:

moomoomoo27 · 31/03/2023 12:05

Goldbar · 31/03/2023 09:17

Men very often leave things to the last minute and are not planners

Nonsense. There are plenty of men working in important and responsible jobs where planning ahead is crucial. If they choose not to exercise these skills in their personal lives, it is a demonstration of their clear priorities and not their abilities. What they're essentially saying to the women in their lives is "you come bottom of the pile, after everything else".

I only know of one guy who's good at planning things. I don't like to generalise but most men seem to wing it. As the saying goes, I'm not worried about my husband having an affair because he wouldn't be able to plan it...

I currently have workmen in my home, the month-long project finishes today and they still haven't bought materials I chose and confirmed with them 3 weeks ago...

moomoomoo27 · 31/03/2023 12:06

TheScreams · 31/03/2023 12:04

*you sound incredibly hard work

It genuinely does sound nice

deal with the early start on Monday

Try and cheer up, many are not able to afford such luxuries at the moment*

Your entire comment was being nasty to OP, telling her she’s wrong and that she’s controlling and doesn’t understand breastfeeding. She has a breast pump, why the fuck are you giving unsolicited breastfeeding advice and telling her that her breastfeeding struggle is “really not a big deal”, shaming her for not having pints of milk on stand by and then inventing that she hates surprises and is so overwhelmed that she’s incapable of rational judgement. At no point has OP said either of those and it’s a really offensive invention that a woman is upset so she must be controlling and hysterical.

why are you talking about yourself in the third person 😂

Original poster

TheScreams · 31/03/2023 12:09

moomoomoo27 · 31/03/2023 12:06

why are you talking about yourself in the third person 😂

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Don’t! 🙄I copy and pasted parts of other people’s posts and got help writing it from my sister who is more eloquent than I am and then didn’t stop/change/fix it. I asked MN to remove when I realised and hoped I could repost with no one noticing. Awful. Mortifying.😂

OP posts:

Goldbar · 31/03/2023 12:12

Robinni · 31/03/2023 11:15

@Goldbar why be nasty?

The one who hates Xmas has several beareavments/anniversaries around that time so can’t face shopping - for anyone.

DH was spending £1500+ on unnecessary stuff which I thought was mental. So I had to curb it.

As for mr cheap and thoughtless, that is him all over.

It's not my intention to be nasty and I'm sorry you took it that way. The situation is not specific to you either - many, many women are in this position. The men in their lives just don't care enough about them to make them a priority. I disagree that this is acceptable.

Largely, I think, it is because many men are socialised this way. They get away with having a set of priorities which looks very different from women's priorities. Generally speaking, women are socialised to think that if you love and appreciate someone, you should show it through kind, thoughtful and appropriate gestures. These take time and effort and are part of the 'mental load' which is mostly borne by women. By putting this time and effort in, women are reducing their leisure time in order to make family/couple life more enjoyable.

So women often have a hierarchy of priorities that goes something like this:

ESSENTIAL CHILDREN'S STUFF/CHILDCARE (things like caring for children, covering sick days, organising childcare, school pick-ups, essential food provision and packed lunches, clothes, uniform, school stuff etc.)
WORK (often women can only prioritise work after they've sorted out the childcare/essential children stuff).
HOUSEHOLD CHORES/NON-ESSENTIAL CHILDREN'S STUFF (tidying, cooking nutritious meals, homework, reading to children, spending time with children, facilitating children's activities).
NON-ESSENTIAL FAMILY/PARTNER STUFF (days out, doing nice things for partner, presents, organising nights out/meals etc.)
SLEEP
LEISURE (if there's any time left at this point, which there often isn't).

Often for women, LEISURE is confused with NON-ESSENTIAL CHILDREN'S STUFF. So women get told that doing play doh with their children or taking them to the playground is the same as having leisure time for themselves. This mistake is not made for men.

An unacceptable number of men with children have the following hierarchy of priorities:

WORK
SLEEP
LEISURE
CHILDCARE/HOUSEHOLD CHORES/ESSENTIAL CHILDREN'S STUFF (under protest, often the 'Disney Dad' stuff and only when there isn't someone else to palm this stuff off onto).

Non-essential family and partner stuff isn't generally on their radar. On the rare occasions they have to do any of it (their OH's birthday/Christmas, for example), it's done badly in a half-arsed fashion without considerable thought because it's taking time out from sleep and leisure, which are more important.

Robinni · 31/03/2023 12:15

Chickenly · 31/03/2023 11:53

Come off it. You can’t be genuine.

I think you need to calm down tbh

I think you need to stop acting so pious and holier-than-thou because you’ve either not read the thread or failed to comprehend it.

there is nothing you can do realistically in that situation but make the best of it or don’t go! And tell him he was moronic

And that’s exactly what OP is doing yet you’re ripping into her.

as OP has had ample opportunity to do

And how do you know she didn’t? She probably did.

how presumptuous of you - I had two glasses of wine

I didn’t presume anything. You said “I’d had alcohol so I wouldn’t have given that milk to a baby anyway”. You said it. How odd to be offended that I said you’d done something you just said you’d done!

I didn’t have an oversupply of milk

Then what the hell was your baby drinking while you were away? If your baby was fed and you had milk left over to put in the freezer then you had an oversupply. You very much did have an oversupply.

appears not to have had much forethought herself around the milk/childcare/dog situation

FFS RTFT!! Even if she hadn’t just found out, why do you think it’s her job to arrange the logistics when his gift to her is arranging a trip?! Why is her gift from hum simply just permission to arrange a trip?! Ridiculous. Why haven’t you sorted out the childcare/dogs/milk?

Which should have all been gone through with DH after he gave the gift and she realised it was terrible.

RTFT. She did go through it with him as soon as he told her.

You’re clearly not being genuine because no one is this ignorant.

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@Chickenly I’m not ripping into anyone, just saying energy would be more productively used to try and solve the problem with DH - or cut losses. Rather than have a whole massive emotional upset with him at this very moment in time. Trying to get him to mend his ways is more of a long term goal. And the damage is already done with this “present”.

You said
You wanted to go on holiday and get drunk so you chose to throw away milk when you had an oversupply of milk!

What I wanted to do was to celebrate a family members birthday with them as they live abroad. So I chose to do that and had a few glasses of wine. I purposely increased my supply 3 months before going by pumping on top of feeding and went through practice runs to make sure baby was ok with defrosted. And I had to pump and dump while away because otherwise I would have had rock solid, leaky breasts and potential mastitis!!! It was not a choice but a bloody necessity!

The relative letting OP and DH down by having less available hours than they anticipated is a new thing, but her dislike of no toilets/electric, where to put the dogs all that isn’t. It’s just come to a head now because of the added childcare stress and potential sleep deprivation.

Honestly, I hope OP is able to sort out extra help and make the most of a few days away. But if she’s so upset it might be better to just draw a line under it and move on. Making sure DH is aware of her expectations in future.

samsmum2 · 31/03/2023 12:22

@EpicDay at last a post that show some kindness. I totally agree, the gift is shit, and ill thought out, something many men seem to excel at (my man child husband being one of them). BUT, I doubt very much he booked it thinking this is a bit shit but it'll do. He probably thought it was a lovely idea but just didn't think it through, and I think to throw it back in his face would be hurtful. Why does every MN thread have to be so man hating? I'd gently explain to him why it doesn't work for you at the moment, and suggest that he goes with the older kids/dog or whatever... but that the weekend is just not what you really need at the moment. It's not 'pandering to his ego' - it's being kind to the man you're meant to love. And no my expectations are not rock bottom - I just think the aggressive response to people's DHs are so tediously regular, as if all the women on MN are perfect. A little kindness in life goes a long way. And yes - I know he hasn't shown much thoughtfulness towards OP, but in my experience, blokes get this sort of stuff wrong so often, it's clearly not intended to upset her. If it was me, as someone who can't stand losing sleep, I'd go for the Saturday night, lie in while DH walks the dogs, then head back to collect kids Sunday evening. That way he gets to see his original plan was crap, but doesn't feel completely flattened by you, you get to have some sort of relaxation and hopefully you'll both enjoy it. Then you can talk through how to give the perfect present at a later date...

Bamboux · 31/03/2023 12:26

TheScreams · 31/03/2023 12:09

Don’t! 🙄I copy and pasted parts of other people’s posts and got help writing it from my sister who is more eloquent than I am and then didn’t stop/change/fix it. I asked MN to remove when I realised and hoped I could repost with no one noticing. Awful. Mortifying.😂

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Why is your sister writing your posts for you?

Chickenly · 31/03/2023 12:27

Robinni · 31/03/2023 12:15

@Chickenly I’m not ripping into anyone, just saying energy would be more productively used to try and solve the problem with DH - or cut losses. Rather than have a whole massive emotional upset with him at this very moment in time. Trying to get him to mend his ways is more of a long term goal. And the damage is already done with this “present”.

You said
You wanted to go on holiday and get drunk so you chose to throw away milk when you had an oversupply of milk!

What I wanted to do was to celebrate a family members birthday with them as they live abroad. So I chose to do that and had a few glasses of wine. I purposely increased my supply 3 months before going by pumping on top of feeding and went through practice runs to make sure baby was ok with defrosted. And I had to pump and dump while away because otherwise I would have had rock solid, leaky breasts and potential mastitis!!! It was not a choice but a bloody necessity!

The relative letting OP and DH down by having less available hours than they anticipated is a new thing, but her dislike of no toilets/electric, where to put the dogs all that isn’t. It’s just come to a head now because of the added childcare stress and potential sleep deprivation.

Honestly, I hope OP is able to sort out extra help and make the most of a few days away. But if she’s so upset it might be better to just draw a line under it and move on. Making sure DH is aware of her expectations in future.

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I don’t believe you weren’t trying to rip into her because you changed your tune pretty rapidly when you were called out on it.

just saying energy would be more productively used to try and solve the problem with DH - or cut losses

Is there any indication at all that OP hasn’t done exactly that?

I chose to do that and had a few glasses of wine…It was not a choice but a bloody necessity!

So it was a choice but it wasn’t a choice? Who forced you into it? Are there no fridges where you went?

t’s just come to a head now because of the added childcare stress and potential sleep deprivation

Yes, well done. She tried to be positive and go with it like you’ve said she should until it came to light at the last minute that there are a number of things that make it worse. Now you’re saying to cut her losses which she’s also done. What’s your point? That she can’t win either way with you? She’s done nothing but exactly what you’ve said she should do and you’ve said she’s controlling and hard work??

I hope OP is able to sort out extra help and make the most of a few days away

It’s not her responsibility to fix this and it’s not a few days away.

You’ve contradicted yourself with your advice too. How is she supposed to draw a line under it and move on but also ensure DH knows what she wants in without having any kind of upset with him?

Robinni · 31/03/2023 12:33

@Goldbar & @samsmum2 agree with both of your last posts.

Didn’t realise I dissented so much from everyone else in my opinion that OP should try and make the best of the situation - by trying to find solutions with DH to childcare etc first - before totally cutting losses.

My opinion is probably coloured from the background of having a special needs kid; I’d absolutely love a break anywhere for any amount of time. And a babysitter of any description.

OP I hope you can find a resolution you are happy with and that DH is more on point for you in future.

StoneColdAlibi · 31/03/2023 12:35

Sock puppetting much?

NewCarOldCar · 31/03/2023 12:37

StoneColdAlibi · 31/03/2023 12:35

Sock puppetting much?

ummm.... certainly interesting 🤔

AdobeWanKenobi · 31/03/2023 12:39

The new MN Feature of setting the username is certainly 'useful' isn't it? 😂

thegrain · 31/03/2023 12:39

TheScreams · 31/03/2023 12:04

*you sound incredibly hard work

It genuinely does sound nice

deal with the early start on Monday

Try and cheer up, many are not able to afford such luxuries at the moment*

Your entire comment was being nasty to OP, telling her she’s wrong and that she’s controlling and doesn’t understand breastfeeding. She has a breast pump, why the fuck are you giving unsolicited breastfeeding advice and telling her that her breastfeeding struggle is “really not a big deal”, shaming her for not having pints of milk on stand by and then inventing that she hates surprises and is so overwhelmed that she’s incapable of rational judgement. At no point has OP said either of those and it’s a really offensive invention that a woman is upset so she must be controlling and hysterical.

But you are OP?

Goldbar · 31/03/2023 12:40

samsmum2 · 31/03/2023 12:22

@EpicDay at last a post that show some kindness. I totally agree, the gift is shit, and ill thought out, something many men seem to excel at (my man child husband being one of them). BUT, I doubt very much he booked it thinking this is a bit shit but it'll do. He probably thought it was a lovely idea but just didn't think it through, and I think to throw it back in his face would be hurtful. Why does every MN thread have to be so man hating? I'd gently explain to him why it doesn't work for you at the moment, and suggest that he goes with the older kids/dog or whatever... but that the weekend is just not what you really need at the moment. It's not 'pandering to his ego' - it's being kind to the man you're meant to love. And no my expectations are not rock bottom - I just think the aggressive response to people's DHs are so tediously regular, as if all the women on MN are perfect. A little kindness in life goes a long way. And yes - I know he hasn't shown much thoughtfulness towards OP, but in my experience, blokes get this sort of stuff wrong so often, it's clearly not intended to upset her. If it was me, as someone who can't stand losing sleep, I'd go for the Saturday night, lie in while DH walks the dogs, then head back to collect kids Sunday evening. That way he gets to see his original plan was crap, but doesn't feel completely flattened by you, you get to have some sort of relaxation and hopefully you'll both enjoy it. Then you can talk through how to give the perfect present at a later date...

It's not hatred of men, it's disappointment with men. They can and should do better.

Goldbar · 31/03/2023 12:43

@Robinni . I hope you get a break soon, it must be tough 💐. I hope those in your life who care for you can get their act together sufficiently to make it happen.

GMOOH2023 · 31/03/2023 12:44

My opinion is probably coloured from the background of having a special needs kid; I’d absolutely love a break anywhere for any amount of time. And a babysitter of any description.

Bet you'd probably want electricity and an indoor toilet though?

runforyourdog · 31/03/2023 12:45

I would go, nice dog walk and day at the pub sounds quite nice to me!

Could you get someone else to have the kids so you don't have to set off late / early? Could you take the kids?

Tattooname · 31/03/2023 13:34

What is the point of a holiday that is more stressful and less comfortable than your day-to-day life?

Sod "making the best of it," the money's gone - why go somewhere so clearly rubbish on top of already having lost the money?! Seems like compounding a negative with another negative.

I'd also find his lack of consideration, not to mention the subsequent doubling-down, hurtful.

Always4Brenner · 31/03/2023 14:19

Lampshadeandchristmasbaubles · 30/03/2023 21:37

Yer you’re being really ungrateful. From some one with all dead grandparents and not one night away for the whole of adult children’s lives. You have a chance to spend a weekend with someone you love , and have someone who will give care and joy to your children….I would say make the most of your break.

It’s not a break though is it huge travelling time, odd hours cold damp conditions, no electricity no not a break hell on earth.

illiterato · 31/03/2023 14:54

Always4Brenner · 31/03/2023 14:19

It’s not a break though is it huge travelling time, odd hours cold damp conditions, no electricity no not a break hell on earth.

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All four of my dead grandparents are saying "fuck that" from beyond the grave. Seriously.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 31/03/2023 15:22

I'm someone who loves camping. This weekend gift would -usually- be up there with Best Gifts Ever. Not though if I'm arriving at midnight, getting one full night of sleep, then having to leave at 3am. Especially not if it's a 4 hour drive from home.
I hope you're staying at home OP and having a relaxed weekend to recharge your batteries and just have a rest. If your OH sulks so be it. He can always go on the road trip on his own if he wants to go so badly.

Boudicabooandbulldogs · 31/03/2023 15:27

Late to the thread, read all posts.
OP, hope you have decided not to go as that is really the only sensible choice.
@Chickenly thank you for your responses Robini, was going to try but was just too gobsmacked…
I truly don’t understand why op should be happy and make the best out of NO indoor plumbing and No electricity, with No sleep, just so the poor DH doesn’t have to be confronted by his lack of thought…

Tealsofa · 31/03/2023 15:38

TheScreams · 31/03/2023 12:09

Don’t! 🙄I copy and pasted parts of other people’s posts and got help writing it from my sister who is more eloquent than I am and then didn’t stop/change/fix it. I asked MN to remove when I realised and hoped I could repost with no one noticing. Awful. Mortifying.😂

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so your (air quotes) sister (air quotes) calls you "OP" ?

erm ok