AIBU to think this is a complete waste of bloody money now?!

[TheScreams]

For Christmas, DH booked us a weekend away. In reality, what that means is that at 10pm on Christmas Eve, DH realised he hadn’t bought me a bloody Christmas present and so booked an airbnb hut on a campsite for next weekend. He spoke to a relative we were staying with for Christmas and they agreed to have DS and DD for the weekend (booked from Saturday to Monday). I tried to be grateful at the time and not express that it was bloody obvious that he’d thrown it together at the last second and not given it a single second of actual thought.

He spoke to the relative a few weeks ago and they told him they can only look after DS and DD from 8pm Saturday until 8am Monday. So, we’ll get to the campsite from midnight on Saturday and will have to leave by 4am on Monday. He’s also not planned anything for the dogs so they’re coming too - so, on Sunday, our only day there, we can’t do anything that’s not dog friendly. But DH didn’t think to mention this until today.

I live in a bloody national park so I’m not sure why my Christmas present is travelling across the country, for “two nights” where I don’t get a decent night’s sleep on either and then get to have a dog walk and to sit in a pub for the day. I could bloody well do that two minutes from my house!

It’s bloody non-refundable. It feels like a complete and total waste of time and money to go on this trip. AIB a complete bitch to be completely ungrateful for this “gift” that actually just sounds like shit?

Oh, and I forgot, she had to pay for it.

Sunk costs fallacy.

At some point, it begins to cost so much to make it work for so little gain that the only rational thing to do is to write off the initial investment.

But people aren't rational so they keep throwing good money/time/effort after bad.

My parents are like this to an extent. They'll eat out-of-date food because they don't want to waste it. And then spend the next few days panicking about food poisoning.

One would hope that the OP's husband would have some idea into which category his wife would fall, so he wouldn't just be making a random guess as to whether she'd like it.

On the other hand, perhaps not, based on this thread.

OP, you have to remember that men don't think ahead. Their brains don't work that way and they aren't able to plan anything. And when they do come up with something we need to be grateful for it. And we must, as women and the ones who willingly took responsibility for these poor men, take the time to do all the other the things in order to help the men's plans come to fruition. Your DH has been nice enough to book this (be grateful he paid half!) now you must make sure that you pack those bags for him too. And organise the other stuff like checking check-in times etc.

That's why in our society the precious men have to stay home and look pretty. They're not wired to be able to think ahead, come up with ideas and complete tasks like we can. If they were able to do things like that they would be leading industries. They'd be running companies, being the majority of politicians and world leaders. They'd outnumber women in managerial roles and, can you imagine, EARNING MORE THAN WOMEN! Ha ha. Sounds ridiculous right? Men working complicated jobs! Ha!

But seriously, I don't know if I would refuse to go now. If your man is sulky and blaming YOU for ruining his shit gift, then in his mind, you refusing to go will just prove him right and that would irk my petty ass self more than anything. I'd be a stubborn arse and go just to prove to him how shit it is.
I wouldn't pack or organise anything more than my own stuff either.
I'd be asking him what he's made for breakfast, and what are we having for lunch etc.
Make sure he lights the fire and not you.
He's in charge of dog walking and cleaning up the dog's car sickness.
MY turn at driving? Oh no dear, this is your gift to me. Wouldn't be much if a gift if I have to work to get it.
Let make him do everything and teach him a real lesson that he'll remember. Make sure that he is far more knackered than you.

Yikes!!

Presumably the husband has seen her tits before and dogs won’t care. Expressing with a hand pump takes about 10-20 mins. I had to do it when I wanted a girls wkend away it really is not something to get knickers in a twist about.

Point blank the men in my life do not plan well in advance. I am a bit particular like OP, so I specifically ask for things or to joint plan, I get some extras some of which I like and some of which I return or regift. They know to have receipts/refundable.

Honestly, OP can decide not to go or decide to make the best of it and strategise for more support to make it better for her. That’s it. No use dramatising everything. He’s done what he’s done, she can try and ensure to be specific about what she wants in future.

@Robinni . Shameless curiosity here. What do the men in your life do work-wise? Do they work in jobs that don't require any forward planning?

@Goldbar all professional jobs, teaching and middle management. To give examples of what some of them are like:- One hates Xmas and all sorts of celebratory gatherings. Another spends far, far too much and gets all sorts of bitty things. Another buys all sorted of cheap crap and thinks it’s funny. In all cases shopping is done the week or so before, whereas I begin in October… different way of thinking.

I prefer one or a few presents, things that I actually need or a trip to enjoy, for the expense to not be so ott and to not be disappointed or feel money is being wasted. So about 7yrs ago I started being specific with all, or suggesting shared experiences we all plan and it’s worked a treat.

Trying to change people doesn’t work, accepting reality and getting what you want does.

No use dramatising everything. He’s done what he’s done, she can try and ensure to be specific about what she wants in future

Fuck me, I didn't realise that I should be specifying to DH that any future holidays should involve electricity and a bathroom, arriving at a reasonable time and not getting up at stupid o' clock on the last day to go home.

@Robinni I honestly cannot remember the last time I read anything so shamelessly nasty, dismissive, sexist and blatantly absurd. Take a look at yourself because that is disgraceful.

It’s not “hard work” or “particular” to want electricity and inside toilets. Some women don’t have a fucking oversupply of milk - are you really so stupid that you don’t understand that? Just because you had a sufficient supply to have a huge freezer stash and not care about throwing away milk doesn’t mean that OP does! Men are perfectly capable of arranging holidays if they want to. The fact you’ve actually responded to the comment about OP not wanting to express in a hut with no heat or light in the early hours of the morning by pointing out that her DH won’t mind says everything we need to know - the comment wasn’t about whether or not her fucking DH cares about it! It was about what she might want!

Your entire input has been pointing out all the ways that OP could’ve put up and shut up and run around and worked hard to make this trip enjoyable for her DH!! Does it not occur to you that her Christmas present that she paid for shouldn’t actually be just an opportunity to make him happy at her expense?

Learn to think before you type.

Tell him you don't fancy it but you're cool with him going and taking one of his mates. And he can still take the dogs.

@Robinni . It sounds like they're perfectly capable of sorting themselves (and other things) out, they just don't think you're worth the effort.

I think i would tell DH he is going by himself, with both dogs. Relations can still have the kids and you can stay at home enjoying bubblebaths and sleep until your heart is content. Now that is the perfect present (and he gets to see why his present is crap)

@Chickenly there is no need to be so insulting.

My observation is that OP is getting very upset about this so there are three options 1) don’t go 2) give the hol away 3) make the best of it. And in future, particularly if her money is involved, state that she wants to pick her present or be involved in planning.

For some people their ideal holiday is camping, others prefer a spa break. Sometimes partners get it wrong and they need a kick up the arse to improve.

As for the milk, are you honestly telling me that 1-2oz a week for the last 14 weeks couldn’t have been pumped?! Planning!!

And what on Earth, where are we to express?! In a gold tiled room, smelling of jasmine with enya playing, while being fanned with palms?!? I had to express in train toilets, in offices behind a screen, in any numerous of places because it needed done, it is not some sort of holy experience… it’s a bodily function that needs to take place. I wanted to get on with living my life and have some time away from baby. Throwing away milk that will have gone off by the time the trip is over seems logical.

Why on earth would a woman care about being in the same room as her husband while expressing is what I was getting at. I did it in the same room as a friend in a darkened room in the middle of the night, I’d had alcohol so I wouldn’t have given that milk to a baby anyway - down the drain it went.

And I was pointing out all the ways she could make the situation easier for HERSELF, if it’s that bad she can’t stomach at all then don’t go!

@Goldbar why be nasty?

The one who hates Xmas has several beareavments/anniversaries around that time so can’t face shopping - for anyone.

DH was spending £1500+ on unnecessary stuff which I thought was mental. So I had to curb it.

As for mr cheap and thoughtless, that is him all over.

Your comment was insulting!

Have you not noticed that you aren’t the centre of the universe and the whole world doesn’t have to be happy to do something just because you chose to do that?

Some babies won’t drink defrosted milk, have you considered that? My baby drinks around 40oz a day, if I pumped 1oz per week like you’re suggesting then I couldn’t go away for a weekend! I’d need to have an oversupply of almost 1oz per day every day to meet that demand - luckily, my baby will drink defrosted milk. If she didn’t, I wouldn’t be able to do that. It’s not about “planning”, it’s about biology and babies being different.

You wanted to go on holiday and get drunk so you chose to throw away milk when you had an oversupply of milk! How on earth is that the same as being forced to throw away milk when OP is already saying she doesn’t have enough?! Are you always so self-obsessed?

You didn’t point out ways she could make the situation easier for herself. How is running around like a headless chicken begging people to help with childcare “easier” than staying at home while DH does away? How is travelling back in time and expressing milk she may or may not have even had “easier”? How is just shutting up about how she feels “easier”?

If you actually bothered reading what the OP said, she said the main reason she’s upset is because they share finances, the thought really is the only part that counts. So, her explicitly saying exactly what to buy her is not actually getting her a gift, is it? She’s paying and she does all the thought - that’s her buying herself a gift and DH getting her absolutely nothing.

And when you’re making catty jibes about “planning”, you could’ve read the thread well enough to realise she only just found out a lot of this information!

So in fact... it's nothing whatsoever to do with them being male, and is in fact the result of their individual personalities and life experiences. As it is also with women.

And your sexist generalisation was complete bollocks, as it has nothing to do with their sex.

But it's all OK, because you felt insulted that someone pointed out they don't value you enough to buy decent presents, so now you've told us that actually your husband values you SO much that you had to stop him spending so much on you.

Haha.

So, of the three examples you gave, none of them are actually incapable of planning. One is capable of planning but struggles with Christmas specifically because of grief, which doesn’t apply to OP. The second one is capable of planning but you’ve not allowed them to do so because you decided they were spending too much money, which doesn’t apply to OP. And the third is capable but is lazy and thoughtless, which it sounds like applies to OP.

Lazy and thoughtless doesn’t mean “incapable”. It means lazy and thoughtless. Not sure why you think OP should be grateful for her DH being lazy and thoughtless and should put herself out to make a nice time for her lazy, thoughtless DH.

@Chickenly I think you need to calm down tbh.

Of course I realise everyone has different preferences for what they do/don’t want to do and that is fine. I just don’t see why OP is getting so upset about something ultimately out of her control as DH booked non-refundable, there is nothing you can do realistically in that situation but make the best of it or don’t go! And tell him he was moronic.

I understand perfectly about Biology and babies - I started leaving baby with Dad for a few hrs with defrosted milk 2 months ahead of my trip to see if baby would take to it and ensured it would be ok - as OP has had ample opportunity to do. I didn’t just leave milk and F off with no idea if baby could take it! And how presumptuous of you - I had two glasses of wine, and I didn’t have an oversupply of milk - I needed to express multiple times while away because my baby was not with me to feed and I needed to get rid of the milk I was producing.

Bloody hell - you call phoning round a few friends, or getting DH to, running around like a headless chicken!!

It’s all double standards, she’s blaming DH for not having forethought in planning Xmas present. But appears not to have had much forethought herself around the milk/childcare/dog situation either. Which should have all been gone through with DH after he gave the gift and she realised it was terrible.

we went away for the weekend in January.
First time in years and years.

we agreed to go together and it took shit loads of planning.
I actually couldn't believe how much planning it took.

We have 2 older teens (17 and 15) and a dog. So miles and miles easier than Op.

teens can look after dog, but younger teen can't walk him and older teen was at work, so needed dog walker, younger teen would not do well on her own all day Saturday and Sunday and so I needed to arrange Granny popping in on Saturday pm. Leave them both food they can cook etc etc etc .

Right up until the last minute dh was saying - the place takes dogs, we could just take the dog, it would be nice walking him on the beach.

1. dog doesn't travel well, he is very car sick, we went 2 hours drive away
2. he is rescue and gets anxious, so leaving him in a strange flat on Fri and Sat night when we went out for dinner was a no go
3. he is dog reactive, so walking on a big empty beach = lovely. Walking on a busy beach in a tourist resort with lots of other dogs = nightmare.
4. we had an air bnb flat, no garden.

Honestly, I had to repeat those things about 10 times before he got it. Then we discovered a small theatre doing a comedy night for Fri, and I asked dh what exactly we shoudl do wiht the dog, 1.5 hours after we arrived when we went to the theatre? He finally accepted we should leave the dog at home!

mental load at its worst, and my dh is usually pretty good at sharing mental load

@AitchPeeVee

Lazy and thoughtless doesn’t mean “incapable”. It means lazy and thoughtless. Not sure why you think OP should be grateful for her DH being lazy and thoughtless and should put herself out to make a nice time for her lazy, thoughtless DH.

I definitely do not think OP should be grateful for her DH being lazy and thoughtless. I think he needs a kick up the arse as I’ve already stated.

What I’m saying is, there is a holiday, with apparently good reviews. There are potential options, yet to be exhausted, to try and make the situation easier around childcare and dogs to make it less stressful. It is only a few nights so if it is awful then not the end of the world, can always come home early. If she can’t stomach it at all she shouldn’t go and he could try and make it up to her - with his own money.

If the milk situation hasn’t been planned for in advance it could make any break away impossible. But other than that, it could be salvaged.

Come off it. You can’t be genuine.

I think you need to calm down tbh

I think you need to stop acting so pious and holier-than-thou because you’ve either not read the thread or failed to comprehend it.

there is nothing you can do realistically in that situation but make the best of it or don’t go! And tell him he was moronic

And that’s exactly what OP is doing yet you’re ripping into her.

as OP has had ample opportunity to do

And how do you know she didn’t? She probably did.

how presumptuous of you - I had two glasses of wine

I didn’t presume anything. You said “I’d had alcohol so I wouldn’t have given that milk to a baby anyway”. You said it. How odd to be offended that I said you’d done something you just said you’d done!

I didn’t have an oversupply of milk

Then what the hell was your baby drinking while you were away? If your baby was fed and you had milk left over to put in the freezer then you had an oversupply. You very much did have an oversupply.

appears not to have had much forethought herself around the milk/childcare/dog situation

FFS RTFT!! Even if she hadn’t just found out, why do you think it’s her job to arrange the logistics when his gift to her is arranging a trip?! Why is her gift from hum simply just permission to arrange a trip?! Ridiculous. Why haven’t you sorted out the childcare/dogs/milk?

Which should have all been gone through with DH after he gave the gift and she realised it was terrible.

RTFT. She did go through it with him as soon as he told her.

You’re clearly not being genuine because no one is this ignorant.

You’ve not RTFT or even the OP at all, have you?

OP said she was making the most of it and willing to go and have fun until she realised that she was getting no fucking sleep. How exactly does making the trip shorter help there?! You seem to have completely invited a different scenario to justify shitting on the OP just because you think you’re being edgy to give a dissenting viewpoint. You have absolutely no idea what options OP has or hasn’t exhausted so why don’t you stop inventing things to try and make your ridiculous input valid?

It went through my mind that it was a bit of a Freudian autocorrect, I admit (I have a springer and two cockers )

Been there, done that! 😁

(Still have the mud on the tee-shirt!)

If your babysitter lives near you I agree that you should drop the kids off and go home. You can have a nice day and meal out on the sunday but no travelling and two full nights sleep. The money for the break is gone and 4 hours of driving and 2 nights of very short sleep won’t bring it back.