Who should help with elderly dm ?

[Guesswhooo]

4 siblings. All due to inherit an equal share (in case that’s relevant)

elderly dm very frail. Multiple medical issues. Needs a lot of care , taking to appointments regularly (1-2 a week)

DC1 - lives 10 mins away, doesn’t work however is a carer for disabled ds (CP, epilepsy,LD and ASD)
DC2 -lives 45 mins away, part time work
DC3 - lives 2 hours away, very busy has a very stressful job with long hours
DC4 - lives abroad visits 2-3 a year

All of us drive in case that’s also relevant
Now, the huge issue here is that I was the only one of the 4 who was emotionally and physically abused throughout childhood as DM is a narcissist and I was the scapegoat. My siblings kept quiet and didn’t get involved so as not to become another victim I think . I was hospitalised once due to the abuse - they know this. I’ve been NC for 5 years but get regular updates through siblings.

Im being instructed that I’m the nearest so need to go if DM has a fall and that we need to draw up a rota for her appointments. I’ve refused. They all know why I can’t . Apparently I need to drop it now and move on.

It’s been mentioned we are all due to inherit equally so they are saying DM has moved on (but from what hating her own child !!!)
AIBU to not help. I’m busy enough with my own life . If I wanted to make time I could but feel why should I

And i forgot the important bit . I’m dc1 obviously

Forget the inheritance. You are under no obligation. Your siblings obviously don't want to and are trying to guilt-trip you into taking up the slack.

Be practical and tick off everything they throw at you and tell them it's your decision to remain NC or not! Falls? DM can get one of those pendant alarms. Hospital appointments? Taxis or surely the hospital has some kind of bookable transport service? DM struggling to manage day to day - cleaner, gardener, carers.

You've been the victim of abuse and if you don't wish to/can't move on from that - that's your decision and not theirs.

It was so awful that part of me wants to say I’d rather have no inheritance if getting it means I’m expected to help her at all. She was evil to me.

It’s basically the fact I am so near to her I think it’s just expected but I can’t do it. The way I’m told to move on and drop it as well by people in the privileged position of not having been abused

If I were you I’d let the inheritance be split 3 ways and the others can get in with it. Or you can find a suitable home where she can get the care she needs.

Forget the inheritance, there might be nothing left at the end, and the will could have been changed.
Are Social Services involved ?

Sorry, putting feelings to one side for now, what are your siblings expecting you to do with DS if you attend to a fall? What if it happens at 1am?
I understand why you'd not want to get involved, you received no care yourself as a child. There will be people who disagree and that's fine, everyone would react differently, some can move on from the past, some can't. That doesn't make your feelings less relevant though.

Take yourself out of the equation. You've said that you are not prepared to have contact with her and that still stands. You have every right to have your boundaries respected.

Btw, the will thing is irrelevant.

This

They are using it as if it is by saying DM has moved on and almost like I’m meant to be grateful so that I’ll help. Even if I was left millions it wouldn’t erase the pain and suffering of my childhood and teen years so they can stick it

I think they want me to taxi her to appts and be on call , they know my DH is here at nights so think I could drive over and be there soonest to help but I don’t want to. I can’t care for someone who did the things she did to me

You don't have to help anybody who treated you so cruelly. I sure as hell wouldn't. She might have moved on from abusing you, but I imagine that's much easier to do as a narcissistic abuser than it is as their victim. I'd put the inheritance out of my mind and let them get on with it.

They need to arrange carers to take her to appointments if they can't manage. You should refuse inheritance if you want nothing to do with her.

Another one here saying forget the inheritance as likely to go on care home fees if the others can't step up anyway and she can't cope alone. I would suggest a pendant alarm, and let siblings have their name of the list of people to be called if/ when she falls.

I’m so close to saying to them to sort out removing me from it

You're no contact with her, and she abused you. You are absolutely right to not help BUT I think you should also cut yourself out of the Will - (if that's possible).

You can just not accept the Will money when it’s time, or put it into trust for your kids.

The inheritance is neither here nor there.

you have no obligation to care for someone who abused you. You siblings are putting it on you because they don't want to deal with it. If you didn't exist what would they do?

That’s how I feel 90% of the time then a small amount I think well actually I deserve something it can’t change the past but might buy me some decent therapy !
In a way it just hurts more that they all know what it was like but are pressuring me despite that

It even genuinely crossed my mind that perhaps it’s time to move then they can’t say it’s because I’m the closest

Dont cut youself out of the will if you don't want to. Why should you?

The will is not payment for helping, otherwise why would your siblings deserve theirs?

Let me ask you a question - if there was nothing to inherit, would you still be considering breaking your NC?
If there's enough money for 4 of you to inherit, then there's enough money to pay for carers and/or a nursing home when that becomes necessary.

In fact suggest that your mum pays for any help she needs. Theis will impact the inheritance which is fine as you will all be equally impacted. As is fair.

@Guesswhooo
That's true op, but you might be able to move better on with your life if you just draw a line under the whole thing. I remember my mum being in a horrible bind with splitting her late husbands will with his awful kids, to the point where she just said fuck it, have it- and breathed a sigh of relief it was over.

You're under no obligation to do anything.

Personally, I'd make it very clear you're unable to do any regular commitments, such as the appointments.

However with being the closest you're happy to be called in event of a time critical emergency, on the understanding that your DC caring responsibilities means you can't promise you can help. And you'd be doing this purely to help your siblings out.

So in the event of a fall, if you're able to, you will go and sit with her until another sibling arrives. Or if one of the siblings is unable to get hold of her you can pop and do a welfare check as soon as you can.

But if that's not for you, then don't feel any guilt for saying an outright 'no I don't want to be involved'

She needs to go into a home really because none of you can give her the attention and care she needs or wants. Are the others trying to reduce this cost so there's more in the inheritance?