Who should help with elderly dm ?

[Guesswhooo]

4 siblings. All due to inherit an equal share (in case that’s relevant)

elderly dm very frail. Multiple medical issues. Needs a lot of care , taking to appointments regularly (1-2 a week)

DC1 - lives 10 mins away, doesn’t work however is a carer for disabled ds (CP, epilepsy,LD and ASD)
DC2 -lives 45 mins away, part time work
DC3 - lives 2 hours away, very busy has a very stressful job with long hours
DC4 - lives abroad visits 2-3 a year

All of us drive in case that’s also relevant
Now, the huge issue here is that I was the only one of the 4 who was emotionally and physically abused throughout childhood as DM is a narcissist and I was the scapegoat. My siblings kept quiet and didn’t get involved so as not to become another victim I think . I was hospitalised once due to the abuse - they know this. I’ve been NC for 5 years but get regular updates through siblings.

Im being instructed that I’m the nearest so need to go if DM has a fall and that we need to draw up a rota for her appointments. I’ve refused. They all know why I can’t . Apparently I need to drop it now and move on.

It’s been mentioned we are all due to inherit equally so they are saying DM has moved on (but from what hating her own child !!!)
AIBU to not help. I’m busy enough with my own life . If I wanted to make time I could but feel why should I

You don't have to help and neither do they. Just leave the old witch to sort herself out - she can call adult social care for an assessment if needs be. And fgs don't try to get yourself taken out of the will. There's no need. Either there will be some money left when she goes or there won't, either some will be left to you or it wont. Worry about it when she dies. Until then the only thing you need say is "no can't do that".

It's really tricky
I'm one of 4 and our mum has dementia
I had a very poor relationship with my mother as a child due to neglect & emotional abuse
I said I would never have anything to do with her care
However as her dementia has progressed and she has turned into a very frail person with a completely changed personality (nicer) I have become involved just from a humane point of view especially as my siblings have often just not done anything and I can't leave her helpless if nothing else than just a good example to my kids.
I have a points however completely stepped back for my mental health and have also made sure that we utilise mums funds to pay for carers and now a care home to give us support and allow some distance.
I don't have the waters muddied by inheritance as she never put me in her will just her favourite child (who has fucked off and had nothing to do with her as it's "too stressful ")
It has a times really stretched my relationship with my siblings
I think you need to do what's right for you first and only help if you have the emotional bandwidth and even then just in your terms not terms dictated by others.
There is no obligation to help although it would obviously be nice (to both your siblings and your mother ) if you could but it is your option nobody else's

I have a narc mother. My Dad always says to take whatever you can from her as she owes you. So don't feel bad taking any inheritance.

That said, due to the narcissism, you'll probably find that she cuts you out of the will on purpose so I would think like that just so you're prepared for that eventuality.

And, no, you owe her nothing. Don't listen to your siblings. They weren't there for you when you were a kid. You owe them or her nothing.

When my Mum was being awful to us, my siblings and I stuck together. We sometimes took the blame for each other, knowing that we'd suffer for it. So your siblings protected themselves which is fine but now it's your time to protect yourself.

In your position, I'd fantasise about giving her a dose of her own medicine. Drop her half way to the hospital and then kick her out of the car. I probably wouldn't do it in reality but I'd enjoy thinking about it 😁

Whoever can & wants to helps.

Re inheritance-that's up to the person who makes the will!

If I inherited from someone I was NC with I'd probably give it to an appropriate charity if I didn't want to keep it.

Your DM can subscribe to an alarm service (around £3-4pw), so that an ambulance can be called if necessary in the event of a fall. There are sometimes charities who have volunteer drivers to take frail elderly people to medical appts etc and some areas have hospital transport for people who can't get there under their own steam.

But really she needs an adult social care assessment to see what help she needs and and how best to provide it. Families can't always do this, they have jobs and care commitments of their own. And some (like me!) simply don't have the temperament and patience for it.

She sounds very frail, and I also think that someone should help her apply for attendance allowance. This will help cover some of the cost of buying in the help she needs. The inheritance is neither here nor there

It's not your responsibility and it sounds as though your siblings are trying to pressurise you into getting involved. I could never have looked after my mum, who had dementia, and was bloody glad that I lived 160 miles away and no-one ever expected me to.

And no-one should expect you too, either. Even if you hadn't been treated so appallingly, they still shouldn't expect you to. You already have significant caring responsibilities for your disabled DC.

The inheritance is just being used to guilt trip you, and your siblings ABU.

Have you come across Dr Ramani /Dr Les Carter on Youtube... They have excellent resources on Narcissism and narcisstic abuse.?

Recommend! (from a fellow traveller on this shitty journey).

V quick, haven't rtft, nearly asleep here, but...

DON'T tell them to do anything with the will!! Ever! If she decides to cut you out, that's one thing.

But if anyone deserves their quarter, it's you.

Does everyone think the inheritance is just post payment on services rendered in the final years??

FFS, clearly you have concrete reasons you can't help. Either you just reiterate that it's impossible with your children, or refer to the past.

If it was me, I would just stick with a steady, "I'm not able to get involved", over and over, and over.

Just STOP. Stop talking about it, stop listening, stop worrying.

Truly.

But do NOT offer to forgo your inheritance.

If you get anything, I'm sure therapy and/or the long term future of your kids will use it 10x over.

(As someone who went through similar...)

I absolutely don't think loud should give up your inheritance, you damn well deserve it.

Abuse aside. You're all equally busy, nobody has the time. She needs care.

But your NC with her and unless she grovels and apologises you shouldn't even consider helping her.

I wouldn’t cut your nose off to spite your face so don’t tell them to remove you from the will. If you’re removed then so it but any money you get you can give to your DC.

You’re not bothered about the inheritance so what do you have to lose by not helping? Your siblings? It sounds like you need help yourself and your siblings aren’t concerned about you or recognising that your situation is difficult. They’re also completely invalidating your experience. So you’re not losing much.

You may also find that you’ve been cut out of the will anyway.

Put the inheritance aside - how do they know what is in the Will? It may have been changed.

They’re bullying you - don’t let them. They can employ someone to do this, as we did for MIL - only because we live 4 hours away and other siblings lived abroad. Keep strong.

You don't have to 'earn' your inheritance
They chose to move abroad or away and the careers they have - you're reply as DC1 is
"I'm unavailable to do that as already main carer to disabled DS , & DH works long hours"
(What's good for goose is good for gander ...)

But you don't have to justify not being free or able to take mother.
Nor should any of you tie this up with what inheritance mum leaves you!!! They are unrelated.

If she needs taking to appointments the GP surgery can set up hospital transport to collect and return her or one of her other adult children can arrange to be there to take her.

45 mins drive away is nothing nor is 2 hours if it's only every couple months. I do that for my parents (3 hours drive away) and so so many many other families

I would be telling them straight.
Siblings. You all know about the horrific abuse I suffered at my mothers hands while we were growing up. It is very unreasonable for you to now expect and insist that I take a caring role in her life when she never cared for me when I needed it most.

Do not allow them to bully you

your NC, you don’t want anything from her or from them. They didn’t look out for you when she was abusing you so you won’t be helping them or her.

it’s only complicated if you allow it to be.

say no, mean no and mute all conversations about it

Tell them that unless they’ve suddenly qualified in psychiatry, they can keep their ignorant opinions on your experiences and reaction to themselves as they don’t have the first fucking clue what they’re talking about. They’re clearly expecting you to swallow down your feelings in order to make their lives easier, in other words, their suggestion is self serving and not because they actually give a shit about your mental health, and I’d call them out on that in a heartbeat.

How is the one who lives abroad earning his/her inheritance, as a matter of interest?

Your siblings are just trying to get you to do the work that none of them are willing to do. The will has nothing to do with it. I am horrified that they've even mentioned it.

In any case, you have enough responsibilities of your own. How are you supposed to drop everything at your own home WRT your son, if your mother needs help?

Fuck that. Just keep telling them that you're not doing it. I am really sad for you that they're even bringing the subject up. Why the hell should you give care to someone like your mother? No way.

Don't help

The inheritance is a red herring.
With that taken out of the equation you do whatever is best for you and your MH. If you don't want to do it don't.
If your siblings keep asking just say no and keep saying no. Be strong.

No sorry I can't I'm busy
No sorry I'm not available
No sorry I'm looking after my child
Rinse and repeat

I was the scapegoat and no fucking way would I be looking after my evil mother in her dotage.

She would love it! Loads more opportunities to hurt me, and she would probably still leave me out of her will for the kicks.

I am NC for a reason and so are you. You need to protect yourself.

Can’t she pay for caters and that will be deducted equally from all of your inheritance when the time comes?

Sorry! Carers

It sounds to me as if your siblings continue to see you in the role of scapegoat. Tell them to do one. Whether you inherit or not should not be affected. The next sibling, who works part time, can step up as far as necessary BUT social services should arrange the care your mother needs. She will still have to pay for it. If you become her carer now, you can bet your siblings will expect you to continue as she needs more support.

Forget about the inheritance-it may have been used for care home fees. She showed you no loving kindness as a a child so she gets none from you now.
Tell your siblings quite bluntly that you can't/won't be helping every time they raise the subject. Stick to your guns.

Your siblings want you to look after your mum so that their inheritance is preserved. What needs to happen is that your mum pays for all the care she needs, including, if need be, selling her home to pay for residential care when that time comes. Forget inheritance! And stay strong saying NO to their demands and pressure on you.

bollocks should you remove yourself - you went through enough as a child to deserve whatever is left

I'm partially NC with my mother, but i'm not stepping back

You don't have to do either of these @Guesswhooo You can just tell them that you are not available, and you won't be available to care for someone who abused you to the point of hospital admission.

You can't move past things like this, and their suggestion that you do is borne out of their selfishness and her narcissism. You are NC for a reason and wont be guilt tripped into doing anything for her. or for them. They are now crossing the line between siblings and enablers.