Who should help with elderly dm ?

[Guesswhooo]

4 siblings. All due to inherit an equal share (in case that’s relevant)

elderly dm very frail. Multiple medical issues. Needs a lot of care , taking to appointments regularly (1-2 a week)

DC1 - lives 10 mins away, doesn’t work however is a carer for disabled ds (CP, epilepsy,LD and ASD)
DC2 -lives 45 mins away, part time work
DC3 - lives 2 hours away, very busy has a very stressful job with long hours
DC4 - lives abroad visits 2-3 a year

All of us drive in case that’s also relevant
Now, the huge issue here is that I was the only one of the 4 who was emotionally and physically abused throughout childhood as DM is a narcissist and I was the scapegoat. My siblings kept quiet and didn’t get involved so as not to become another victim I think . I was hospitalised once due to the abuse - they know this. I’ve been NC for 5 years but get regular updates through siblings.

Im being instructed that I’m the nearest so need to go if DM has a fall and that we need to draw up a rota for her appointments. I’ve refused. They all know why I can’t . Apparently I need to drop it now and move on.

It’s been mentioned we are all due to inherit equally so they are saying DM has moved on (but from what hating her own child !!!)
AIBU to not help. I’m busy enough with my own life . If I wanted to make time I could but feel why should I

Why aren't they earning their's then?

OP I wonder if your abuse and the family dynamic is playing a huge part in this, becuase you do absolutely not have to move or remove yourself from the will to say no to this. No is perfectly fine. Your siblings are all saying no. OBviously there is some weird dynamic going on which makes you the only one who doesn't feel entitled to do the same. Ignore it.

Don't think about the inheritance, as PPS said that's up to your mum.

It's not reasonable for you to be the "on call" person for if she has a fall - it can take hours to get an ambulance out and be admitted for a start. Unless you've got a comprehensive backup system for your DS that's going to be impossible to manage.

No one has to earn their inheritance. No one has to feel obliged. It's a gift, given willingly by the person who makes the will. Don't take yourself out of it and don't feel guilty for receiving it. You have the same right as anyone else named as a beneficiary. It's absolutely nothing to do with anyone else.

If, as a result of you remaining NC, your dm decides to take you out of the will, that is absolutely her choice and, again, you should not feel bad about it. You didn't ask for any of this, it's just another manipulation by your family.

Tell them one more time that you are not going to get involved in any way and they can decide between themselves what to do about it all. Whatever happens be happy with this, be at peace.

People who SHOULD help are those that are both WILLING and ABLE.

If you’re not either of these, that’s fine.

I’d do myself and my siblings the courtesy of being really clear on my position though.

I’d help my siblings themselves if I was both willing and able.

What happens to your mum’s money is up to her. It may already all have gone for all you know, or it may already be in her will that she’s Leaving it to a donkey sanctuary.

Really think about some counselling/emotional support for yourself too, this isn’t easy.

If she wants to change her will let her but don't ask to be removed from it.

I don't see what the debate is about.

You can't look after her as you have a DC who needs you. THAT IS THE END.

Whether she goes into a home, gets a live in carer, one of your siblings moves in with her, she moves in with a sibling etc etc etc etc etc

Don't get into the discussion - don't answer. Ignore discussion on inheritance. These miserable horrible siblings of yours know all about your childhood. She is their problem. and as there are 3 of them they can come up with a solution not involving you. Stay out of it.

Would you even consider going if not for the inheritance? Because you might not get it. She can change her will at any time. You could rock up every time she calls and take whatever abuse she offers, letting your siblings off lightly from 'caring', and get nothing at all.

NC for five years suggests to me they have no right to try to insist you take part in caring.

Yes, why are you the only one who has to earn your inheritance? They all get off v lightly. It's much easier for them to pressure you, in the way that has been done their whole lives, than to step up to the plate. The dynamic has not changed all these years. Even though they may not have actively abused you, they stood by and watched, and are still standing by and watching passively, wanting someone else to deal with their DMum.

I would continue to say no. Don't mention the inheritance. If you get cut out, well so be it. But if not, that inheritance could make a real difference in your life, and would be some sort of redress. Anyway, it doesn't really come into this situation.

Your siblings do not have your back, they want you to pick up the dirty work. Hold strong. And I don't see that you actually are in a position to drop everything as you're carer to a DC with complex needs. It's just not practical.

There is no need for you to ask to be cut out of whatever will there is.

Your siblings are clearly continuing the family dynamic set in motion many years ago by your mother. You’ve had loads of good advice from previous posters. Make your position clear, stick to it, and carry on with your life with a clear conscience.

Best wishes.

Can the other siblings pay for someone to do these things?

Its reasonable for you to say no to your time for the reasons stated, as is it is for them as they live further away.

The only solution seems to use money (hers or theirs) to pay for carers.

Why can't your DM use her money to get as much care as she needs?
My grandmother is in her 90's and flatly refuses to let any of us provide care for her.

She has money and prefers to pay, it makes her feel she's in control and doesn't have to be grateful all the time.
She's still alive so it's HER money to spend as she wants, not anyone's inheritance.

If she lacks capacity it is too late for you to be removed from the will. And even if she has capacity it would take a lot of work. They would need to arrange an appointment to demonstrate that she has capacity and is making a free and informed choice to remove you. Then she would need to arrange a new will with a solicitor. All that could set her back £1000 and a lot of time and energy. Sounds like she doesn't have that any more. So maybe you are in the will as an equal. Maybe you aren't. You won't find out until she dies. It sounds like you are owed your share as compensation anyway.

Caring responsibilities require the carer to want to do the caring. You are not in a mental place where you can do that. You certainly can't be expected to do anything that involves regular contact with her, like taking her to appointments. She will have to pay for a taxi.

I am guessing sibling 2 is female and sibling 3 is male and basically expects the sister to pick up the slack. It might be convenient for them if you got over the trauma that she inflicted on you, but they are going to have to live in the real world, with the consequences of what happened.

Are you sure you're in the will ? She might not have changed her ways even in old age.

You absolutely are not getting an inheritance. A narcissist will always disinherit one child, it’s already clear it will be you. Do not help with your M. You siblings will need to step up and stop expecting you to take the responsibility, like you did when you were younger.

I’m sorry that you were abused by your M. You didn’t deserve that. I’m sorry your siblings let you down. There is no such thing as an innocent bystander.

DO NOT HELP THEM

This. Just say no I don’t want to. And the inheritance is nothing to do with your siblings who frankly aren’t doing anything either.

Just from the first description of the siblings I knew all care was going to be heaped on DC because no work and local. Taking out the previous abuse for a second you realistically don't have capacity to care for her an a DC with significant needs. There are always siblings who live far away giving opinions on what SHOULD be done, it's a recognised thing in healthcare, because they aren't seeing the decline day to day they have no idea what the siblings who is close is dealing with and there's always an element of guilt.

If she's frail has she been assessed by a physio and OT? Does she need care support at all? She will of course say that she won't have carers in her house but realistically if you weren't providing the care she wouldn't have a choice...get things in place as proactively as you can. These multiple weekly appointments is this for dressings? If she's unable to get out the house and you are unable to drive her then she will need District nurses to the house. If its for dialysis it's a bit more complex but she should get patient transport. Can she get a blister pack from the chemist delivered and Wiltshire farm foods deliveries so you don't need to be involved getting shopping? These are things that can be organised by one of the other siblings if they are so sure that 'it's not much work'.

Bringing back in the previous abuse...you are already stretched thin with the massive commitment with your DC, who is of course more important to you than someone who abused you. YANBU to take a step back and let the other siblings work it out between each other.

Don’t try and convince them. You won’t win.

unfortunately my experience with this is that you’ll lose your siblings - they’re being utterly unreasonable and won’t see it. Mine didn’t and never have.

Tell them you won’t be taking part in their rota or having anything to do with your DM. Read up on grey rock.

Don’t give in. Don’t move. Don’t make statements about giving up inheritance. Just don’t get involved.

It’ll be hard, but they’re making you the scapegoat again. You must stand your ground.

The inheritance is a seperate issue. Your siblings can't bring that in to the discussion or they could equally start squabbling with each other over who gets what based on time spent - e.g DC4 you don't even live in the country, so you shouldn't get anything etc. It's ridiculous to go down that route.

And unless you've specifically seen the Will then I wouldn't take it for granted that everything will be split 4 ways. If your DM hated you and you were NC - you may very well not be in the Will at all. If she is a narcissis she may well have left everything to a cat charity.

It's not down to anyone to say how the finances of their mother should be allocated, except your mother. So I wouldn't be allowing yourself to be beaten with that stick.

You do or don't care for someone based on your relationship with them. What do they say - your relationship with your adult children is a performance review of how you parented them as kids. Nothing holds more true than a situation like this.

Hell would freeze over before I helped my mother with that history: she put you in hospital. It’s perfectly reasonable to do nothing - your siblings know why and they’re now adults so don’t get to hide behind ‘consequences’ if they speak up because there will be none. They’re also selfish, horrible people, apparently. How disappointing for you that they’re still prepared to use you as the scapegoat even though they’re grown ups now. Say no to them one last time and then don’t discuss further.

She can get hospital transport for her appointments.
she can get carers - needs a social services assessment.
needs a lifeline and keysafe installed.

with these in place she can remain independent of family support.

I would in your shoes I think only attend in an absolute emergency. Your siblings are unfair to expect you to do any more than that.

You are under absolutely NO obligation to step up and help in any way. The inheritance is a red herring.

Your siblings have no say in your choices. They can't tell you what to do and have no right to pile on the guilt and further scapegoating.

Be very clear about your position.

If they are struggling to manage (or don't want to do it) then they call in adult social services and arrange carers.

I've been though this too so sending solidarity to you.

Absolutely not.

This is not on you.

Do not entertain your siblings or your mother.

They are continuing to protect and suit themselves.

Do NOT tell them to take you out of the will.

They are CF's to mention it.

Stop entertaining them.

You are NC through severe abuse.
End of.

Let them spend her money, whatever.

But you will not be involved in the care of someone who abused and hospitalised you.

You poor woman.

Protect yourself.

Don't be bullied by them.

All they care about is dumping this awful woman on someone else.

Well NOT on YOU.

Let the horrible woman pay for her care. She may be old, but that doesn't make her a nice person, nor does it mean you owe her anything.

Your siblings are trying to preserve their inheritance, f* them.

FWIW I would play nice to retain inheritance if you can. But I would just keep the line that you would if you could but your son needs you.

I'm sorry for your childhood. Being the only one treated like that adds a whole new cruel twist to the abuse. I can't imagine the emotional pain your parents must have caused you.

"No". Is a complete sentence.
I'd be cutting off the lot of them. Abuse enablers.

No, no, no they are not your only choices. You can also say "no, I will not be involved in my mother's care". The she's moved on thing is bullsh*t, what does that even mean? Does it mean that she's decided to forgive herself for what she did and now it's all fine? That is not a consideration. And the inheritance isn't a consideration either. What happens with the inheritance is out of your control and not your decision to make. If and when you ever do inherit you can decide what to do with it then.
Her moving on - irrelevant.
Inheritance - irrelevant.
What's right for you right now - this is what you base your decision on.