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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who should help with elderly dm ?

148 replies

Guesswhooo · 29/03/2023 12:31

4 siblings. All due to inherit an equal share (in case that’s relevant)

elderly dm very frail. Multiple medical issues. Needs a lot of care , taking to appointments regularly (1-2 a week)

DC1 - lives 10 mins away, doesn’t work however is a carer for disabled ds (CP, epilepsy,LD and ASD)
DC2 -lives 45 mins away, part time work
DC3 - lives 2 hours away, very busy has a very stressful job with long hours
DC4 - lives abroad visits 2-3 a year

All of us drive in case that’s also relevant
Now, the huge issue here is that I was the only one of the 4 who was emotionally and physically abused throughout childhood as DM is a narcissist and I was the scapegoat. My siblings kept quiet and didn’t get involved so as not to become another victim I think . I was hospitalised once due to the abuse - they know this. I’ve been NC for 5 years but get regular updates through siblings.

Im being instructed that I’m the nearest so need to go if DM has a fall and that we need to draw up a rota for her appointments. I’ve refused. They all know why I can’t . Apparently I need to drop it now and move on.

It’s been mentioned we are all due to inherit equally so they are saying DM has moved on (but from what hating her own child !!!)
AIBU to not help. I’m busy enough with my own life . If I wanted to make time I could but feel why should I

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 29/03/2023 12:54

If you don't feel you can help her or you don't want to help her after the way she treated you, and after being nc for so long, thats fine. Most people would feel the same. Not sure I would be accepting the inheritance money though, unless I used it solely to invest as a cost of care cover for my dc if needed in the future.

Oldnproud · 29/03/2023 12:55

Itsbytheby · 29/03/2023 12:50

In fact suggest that your mum pays for any help she needs. Theis will impact the inheritance which is fine as you will all be equally impacted. As is fair.

I think that is the best suggestion yet.

I certainly don't think you should actively turn down your share of any inheritance. Whatever you do about this current situation, you are no less deserving of it than your siblings.

GoldenGorilla · 29/03/2023 12:55

Even before I read about the abuse I had already decided that DC1 could not be expected to help. DC1 is a full time carer to a disabled son, so simply had no capacity to help. You must have enough responsibilities and medical appointments of your own to deal with!

The fact that you are no contact anyway just strengthens that view.

Bottom line is your siblings can think whatever they want. Your only response should be “No. I am neither able nor willing to be involved in mum’s care. You will have to make other arrangements. Please stop raising this.” And then repeat like a broken record (or after the first few times, just “As I have said, that’s not possible”.)

Original poster
Guesswhooo · 29/03/2023 12:57

Gingergirl70 · 29/03/2023 12:50

Let me ask you a question - if there was nothing to inherit, would you still be considering breaking your NC?
If there's enough money for 4 of you to inherit, then there's enough money to pay for carers and/or a nursing home when that becomes necessary.

They are almost making me feel like I have to earn my inheritance!

I really think my options are to move and/or ask to be taken out of the will . I think to me if I ever did get anything that I’ll feel it’s ‘bad’ money anyway and all I’d want to do with it would be get myself therapy I couldn’t enjoy anything else with it as I’d feel uneasy as it’s money from someone who detested me

OP posts:
HowcanIgetoutofthisalive · 29/03/2023 12:58

Your siblings are pressurising you because you're closest in distance and can therefore deal with things (falls/appointments) quicker than they could. It's convenient for them all that you pick up these things so they then don't have the responsibility or inconvenience of it. All well and good when they weren't the ones to suffer abuse from her hands.

Unless you've seen a copy of her latest will (guessing you haven't as you have been NC for 5 years), you don't know for sure that you are due to inherit a quarter of her estate, so your siblings could be using this as leverage to get you to do the visits etc. If she ends up in a care home, there probably won't be much of her estate left to inherit anyway. And why would you want her money? She couldn't or wouldn't give you maternal love, kindness, a safe home etc whilst you were younger so why would you want her money?

Personally, I wouldn't bow to their pressure. They already know the reasons why you're not interested in helping and they should be accepting of that.

Original poster
Guesswhooo · 29/03/2023 13:00

I think my siblings just want an easy life and want me to give in to the pressure

I also don’t feel I could care for DM in the way that a person deserves to be cared for. I’d not do anything deliberate but I wouldn’t make an effort it that makes sense so part of me although I made peace a long time ago with the situation when I went NC still feels like she deserves care from people who don’t feel negatively towards her so for that reason I wouldn’t do it either

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 29/03/2023 13:00

You don’t have to do anything.
Be prepared for the fact she may change her will though (assuming capacity), especially if your siblings influence her.

SunshineAndFizz · 29/03/2023 13:00

"No I'm afraid I can't help, my feelings towards DM have not and will not change, you'll have to make other arrangements."

Rinse and repeat.

Hoppinggreen · 29/03/2023 13:01

Guesswhooo · 29/03/2023 12:48

It even genuinely crossed my mind that perhaps it’s time to move then they can’t say it’s because I’m the closest

Or just stand up to them?

Delectable · 29/03/2023 13:02

Who ever carers should be compensated for their time and effort or she gets a live in carer or moves into a home.

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 29/03/2023 13:02

If you were my sibling I wouldn't expect you to help. I also wouldn't being any potential inheritance into it (and I wouldn't see you not inherit anything unless you very clearly were refusing).

I can only assume your siblings are in denial about how bad things were for you.

Original poster
Guesswhooo · 29/03/2023 13:02

Hoppinggreen · 29/03/2023 13:00

You don’t have to do anything.
Be prepared for the fact she may change her will though (assuming capacity), especially if your siblings influence her.

I can live with that

OP posts:
Salie68x · 29/03/2023 13:02

Sounds like you have been treated awfully and you also have enough going on in your life.

Just wondered who told you you were included in your mum's will? Since you weren't supported by your siblings as a child, maybe they using this to guilt you into helping.

Personally I think you should take a big step back and let them get on with it. She certainly doesn't deserve any care or love after the way she treated you as a child.

Bluetrews25 · 29/03/2023 13:03

Your share of the inheritance is your compensation/damages for what you went through, OP. Theirs isn't.
Don't give it up.
Don't throw yourself under the bus for someone who doesn't deserve it, either.

Original poster
Guesswhooo · 29/03/2023 13:03

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 29/03/2023 13:02

If you were my sibling I wouldn't expect you to help. I also wouldn't being any potential inheritance into it (and I wouldn't see you not inherit anything unless you very clearly were refusing).

I can only assume your siblings are in denial about how bad things were for you.

I think they were scared , probably thinking all the time would they be next if they didn’t do as she asked or if they defended me so I can really understand what it must have been like for them

OP posts:
Stigsmother · 29/03/2023 13:05

I agree, it does sound as though you are expected to earn your inheritance.

My question is how are your siblings going to earn theirs? 🤔

Ilikewinter · 29/03/2023 13:05

10000% I wouldnt be helping out, sack that off OP. If your mum needs care then she can use the inheritance to pay for it. Its outrageous that your siblings are even suggesting that you become the 'on call' carer.

Original poster
Guesswhooo · 29/03/2023 13:05

Salie68x · 29/03/2023 13:02

Sounds like you have been treated awfully and you also have enough going on in your life.

Just wondered who told you you were included in your mum's will? Since you weren't supported by your siblings as a child, maybe they using this to guilt you into helping.

Personally I think you should take a big step back and let them get on with it. She certainly doesn't deserve any care or love after the way she treated you as a child.

I expect it’s true. For the ‘public image’ as that was always a huge thing for DM

i was treated awfully and left out at home BUT if we went anywhere she treated us equally and I got the same as my siblings (I’d pay for it at a later time) but for the public image she was a fair and equal mother

OP posts:
Theelephantinthecastle · 29/03/2023 13:06

You don't have to convince them.

It's your choice what help you want to offer to your mother.

It's her choice who she leaves money to.

Stop trying to convince them of your decision, just tell them once more that you don't want to help and remind them why. Tell them it isn't up for discussion and debate. Stop responding to their messages on the subject, if they phone you, hang up if they mention it

Gingergirl70 · 29/03/2023 13:06

Guesswhooo · 29/03/2023 12:57

They are almost making me feel like I have to earn my inheritance!

I really think my options are to move and/or ask to be taken out of the will . I think to me if I ever did get anything that I’ll feel it’s ‘bad’ money anyway and all I’d want to do with it would be get myself therapy I couldn’t enjoy anything else with it as I’d feel uneasy as it’s money from someone who detested me

Show quote history

I'm not sure if anything you said there actually addressed anything I asked so I'm not sure why you quoted me?
So, again, if there was no inheritance money, would you still feeling pressure to break your NC?
And if there's money in the pot, so to speak, why can't this be used to pay for a care home instead of inheritance?
You just tell your family no, it's not possible but you're happy to forgo your inheritance so the money can be put to good use paying for her care. It's then up to them whether they feel the same.

feelinglikeanewparent · 29/03/2023 13:07

Apparently I need to drop it now and move on.

They're saying this because it's most convenient for them.

Forget the inheritance. Trust your gut.

MatildaTheCat · 29/03/2023 13:07

I’m guessing that currently DC2 is having to do a lot of the running around and is now wanting you to be helping? DC3 is ‘too busy’ and 4 is abroad.

So really there are probably 3 siblings who are doing less than their ‘fair share’.

I think in your position IF I had a good relationship with my siblings, especially no.2 I might offer to do some admin stuff like contacting SS for an assessment or applying for AA etc. that’s IF you have any capacity for it. So you aren’t helping your not DM but you are helping your siblings.

If you dislike all your siblings as well and can deal with the loss of inheritance ( probably not guaranteed unless she’s really wealthy) then feel no guilt about walking away. She can reap what she’s sown.

Beautiful3 · 29/03/2023 13:08

If no-one can help her, then she'll either need carers or to go into a home. The more available you make yourself, the more it will be left to you. No-one will take turns, they lie. I know this because I'm in a similar position as you right now.

Whoiscomingtosaveyou · 29/03/2023 13:09

I suspect the other have their “eyes on the prize” so to speak, and think you can be the unpaid worker to protect it all.
Inheritance is not a right and your mum’s money should be used in what ever way is deemed necessary to give her the most comfortable life until she dies.
Asking you to look after her when you are no contact is deeply unfair. Your mum’s character won’t have suddenly undergone a change just because she is old. We have a family member who is a narcissist and it has got worse not better with age.

whattodo1975 · 29/03/2023 13:09

Would you be bothered if she dropped down dead tomorrow ?